The What And Why of Boundaries
Do you sometimes roll your eyes when someone starts talking about their boundaries?
Boundaries have become a sort of buzz word in the last several years.
And it's great, because boundaries are a very necessary part of a healthy relationship.
But when misunderstood, people can, and will, often use the word boundaries when a more appropriate word would be 'control' or 'manipulation.'
Many people seem to think that if they set a boundary the other person needs to change their behavior immediately.
This is not a boundary.
Boundaries are not about changing how the other person acts.
Boundaries are about taking responsibility for our own behavior.
Boundaries are about love ā€” love for myself and love for the other person.
Setting a boundary is about protecting my own heart from resentment by being clear on what is okay and what is not okay with me.
And then choosing my own behavior when something happens that is not okay with me.Ā
When I continue to get frustrated or angry because something is happening that I'm not okay with, resentment begins to build within my heart.
And the more resentment there is in my heart toward someone, the less space there is in my heart for love and compassion.
If this goes on long enough, my heart is filled only with resentment for that person and there isn't any space left for love and compassion.
I have destroyed the relationship from the inside out.
So, boundaries are about taking responsibility for my own behaviors and responses, and also for the feelings that I allow in my heart and in my life.
Boundaries are not about telling someone else how to behave.
They are about letting them know how I will behave when certain conditions are met.
So, if you love someone and want to protect the relationship, boundaries are a must.
It may feel a little uncomfortable at first creating a boundary when there hasn't been one before.
And the other person may even be a little angry because now you're 'changing the rules.'
But the boundary you're setting is not about them and trying to change or control their behavior.
It's about you and what you feel comfortable with, what's okay and what's not okay with you.
You're not telling them what to do, but you're letting them know what behavior is okay with you and letting them know how you will respond.
Coming from a place of love, boundaries create a safe space where true intimacy can flourish.
Want to dig a little deeper into this concept?
Check outĀ these podcasts:
