When You're Being Critical

When was the last time you realized you were critical of someone?

Being critical can be one of those things that sneaks up on us.

We don't start off wanting to criticize others.

In fact, many of us were raised in fairly critical homes and we swore we would never be that way.

But since we were raised on a diet of criticism, it tends to be our brain's default and we become critical without a lot of conscious awareness.

We may just start off feeling some frustration.

And we don't say anything.

And over time that frustration can begin turning into resentment.

And we don't say anything.

And then the resentment grows and turns into anger, and then we just have to say something!

And it comes out as criticism.

The thing about criticism — it rarely works.

When someone criticizes me, my first response is to get defensive.

When I catch the defensiveness, I can bring myself back into curiosity.

But when I don't catch the defensiveness, I start spinning in accusations and blame, and we're off to the races!

Let the disagreement begin.

And neither the criticism or the defensiveness is good for our relationships.

So here's a thought I think you'll find fascinating:

Criticism is just a poorly worded request.

Wait. . . go back and read that last line one more time.

Got it? Alright then - let's talk about it.

Criticism can stem from frustration, and frustration stems from feeling that we would like things to be different.

So instead of letting the frustration mount and grow into resentment, here's what to do instead.

Make a request. Use your words. Communicate.

Instead of, 'You never take the garbages out to the curb on Friday.'

Try, 'Will you please take the garbages out to the curb on Friday.'

Instead of, 'You drive like a maniac! You're going to kill someone someday!'

Try, 'Will you please slow down? I feel nervous when we're going so fast.'

Try turning your criticism into asking for what you want.

And if you can start catching it before it turns to frustration or resentment, you get bonus points!

Open, honest communication is so vital to the health of our relationships.

And learning to ask for what we want rather than being critical about it is a great step toward better communication.

You've got this!

Want to learn more?