When You Feel Defensive

You know those times that someone tells you something about yourself and you get that flooded, hot, burning of defensiveness in your chest?

At least that's what it feels like to me and where mine is.

When this happens, we can very quickly put on our boxing gloves and get ready for a good sparring.

Or we immediately put up a brick wall around us and then we start hurling accusations back over our wall at the other person.

I really don't think I'm the only one who does this. . .

Here's a fascinating piece of information that I want to share with you about when we feel defensive.

The only reason we feel defensive is because there is truth in it.

If, for example, someone accused you of something that you have never done, say, you left bags of trash in Antarctica, you wouldn't feel defensive.

You would have a bit of confusion, think that the other person was off their rocker a bit, and blow it off.

But, if there is, or could be, truth in their statement, our primitive brain freaks out, gets defensive, and prepares to protect ourselves.

So, when you feel that flood of defensiveness come over you, ask yourself where is the truth in what they are saying?

Look for what is true, and you will find something, maybe big or maybe small, but you will find some truth.

Then, acknowledge it.

Say something like, "Wow. You're right. I didn't see before that I had done that."

And watch how quickly something that could have turned into contention, becomes a point of discussion.

A discussion where there is mutual understanding and where trust and intimacy grow.

Just because someone says something that may be difficult for us to hear does not mean we have to get all hurt and angry about it.

We could get curious instead, look for the truth, and openly acknowledge that we made a mistake.

This one tool, looking for the truth when you feel defensive, just might change the course of your relationships.

Give it a shot and let me know what you think!