Our Relationship Rules
A lot of us got married when we were young and we just started winging it.
And I know for me and my ex-husband, it wasn't pretty.
There was a lot of emotional immaturity, a lot of blaming, and a lot of one upping and one downing.
After my divorce I started looking for answers to why two good people couldn't create a successful marriage.
And I found a lot of answers.
I also found a lot of personal behaviors and thought patterns that were destructive and hard to see.
I kept working on discovering my failings, and I not only worked with a life coach, I also got two life coach certifications.
I started working with clients to help them work through their relationship concerns.
I started dating with a specific goal of creating a very intimate partnership.
I used what I had learned in coaching to decide how I wanted to show up and what I wanted to create.
I discussed these ideas with the men I dated, and a few of them bought into it and we had great experiences.
I refined my ideas and practiced them with these men.
Then I found the man who ended up being my person, and we decided, from the very first weeks of our relationship, to incorporate these rules.
And it has been an amazing experience.
So, I'd like to share these rules with you in the hopes that they will spark some ideas for you on how you can strengthen your relationship.
1. No back-burner issues - it doesn't matter how small the issue is, it is discussed.
2. We own our own thoughts and feelings - no blaming here, when we bring up a back burner issue we are only allowed to explain how a circumstance impacts our thoughts and feelings.
It sounds like this: When (name the circumstance), I feel (name the feeling) because I'm thinking (name the thought that created the feeling).
Here's an example: When there are dirty clothes on the floor I feel frustrated because I think I am being expecting to clean them up.
Finish this statement by asking them how they are seeing the situation, 'I'm know I'm probably wrong with that assumption, will you help me understand it from your perspective?'
3. Move into curiosity, not defensiveness - when the above statement is shared, the other person gets to practice showing up with a lot of curiosity, asking all sorts of questions to understand the other person better. The purpose of this is not to defend our position, but to understand the other person's point of view.
4. Circling back around - when one of us does something we don't feel good about, as soon as we recognize it, we offer grace to ourselves for being human and making mistakes, then we apologize for our behavior and ask the other person if we can circle back around. They offer grace to us because they acknowledge that we are a human and we aren't trying to hurt the other person, and they say something like, 'Absolutely you can circle back around.' Then we practice saying what we wish we would have said.
These four rules have become the backbone for how we interact with kindness and compassion, and they are doing amazing things for helping us to create the intimate partnership we both desire.
This process has required me learning to have honest conversations in a way I never did in my previous marriage, and while at first they felt scary and intimidating, now I can't imagine not being honest about all the things.
Give these a try; even if you're implementing them on your own, you'll love the impact it can have.
