Feeling Defensive is Good Information 

Though most of us don't have positive connotations when we think of being defensive, we also tend to defend ourselves when we believe we are right and think we need to be protected.  

In fact, a dictionary definition I looked at used phrases such as 'drive away danger or attack,' 'support in the face of argument or hostile criticism.'

But here's something about being defensive that is fascinating in the context of relationships:

When you feel defensive, it's most likely because there is some truth in it.

I know that seems crazy, but hear this out.

If someone were to accuse you of something that was not true, you wouldn't feel defensive.

You might be confused, or think the other person is confused, but you wouldn't get defensive or angry.

For example, if someone accused me of disturbing the neighborhood when I drove my Harley through it at 3am I wouldn't get defensive because not only do I not have a Harley, I am generally fast asleep at 3am.

I might be confused by their accusation, but I wouldn't feel defensive.

But when we are confronted with something that has some truth in it, and if that truth stings, we will get defensive.

Now, there may only be 2% truth in the accusation, but even that 2% needs to be looked at and explored in order to find the truth.

These areas of defensiveness are a huge clue as to where our personal growth work is.

For example, I always get really defensive when someone tries to tell me what to do.

My defensiveness lets me know there is something there for me to get curious about.

What thoughts am I having that cause me to feel threatened and defensive?

This is something that I am taking to my own coaching sessions in an attempt to better understand myself, my thoughts and feelings and behaviors.

So, there is intelligent information in my defensiveness, if I can learn to slow down and explore it.

Now, getting defensive isn't something to feel shame about, you are a human after all, and this is all part of the experience.

So rather than moving into shame, it's a great time to practice moving into curiosity. 

I encourage you to pay attention to when you feel defensive and slow down enough to explore it, to get curious about it.

In doing so, you will come to understand yourself better and develop a greater ability to show up the way you want to in your relationships.

Interested in learning more? Check out this podcast:

#228 Our Relationship Rules on Apple on Spotify