Feeling Defensive?

We've all felt it.

Someone says something and we get that hot feeling in our chest and it feels like we're all ready for a fight. (At least that's my physiological response, yours may be different.)

Our natural, uncensored reaction at this point is to push back.

To make sure the other person knows our point of view.

We feel the need to prove to the other person that we're right, or we're not that wrong or unkind or insensitive.

Or to push back against being unjustly accused of something we didn't do.

We feel like we need to defend ourselves.

But even if the statement made towards us wasn't completely correct, the reason we often feel defensive is because there is at least a bit of truth in it.

Think about it.

If someone were to accuse you of something that was completely false, it wouldn't strike that defensive chord.

If I was told by someone that they didn't like my purple hair, I would just laugh and wonder who taught them their colors, because my hair is not purple.

But when someone tells me that something I said was insensitive and unkind, I feel that hot shame in my chest, and I feel like I want to defend myself.

I want to tell them that I really am a nice person and I don't ever, ever try to hurt others.

The reason I get defensive is because there is some truth in it and I feel shame.

Sometimes I am insensitive and unkind, even if unintentionally.

So, rather than get defensive and start pushing back with how I didn't mean to be unkind, my best option is to look for the truth, find it, and acknowledge it.

"Hmmm.  I can see why you would say that.  I think you're right - that was unkind."

And then two amazing things happen:

One, I have seen a truth about myself that is vital for my progression as a person.

And two, I have averted contention and instead created connection.

Finding the truth when we feel defensive is an amazing way to connect with other people on a deeper level.

It's a great way to connect with ourselves on a deeper level.

Being okay with being a human who will make mistakes, who will sometimes be unkind, is a great place to be.

Not that we need to love that place and want to stay there forever.

But it is really helpful to acknowledge that we don't need to be perfect.

We don't even need to be close to perfect.

We were sent here to earth to be imperfect.

To experience the challenge of growth that comes from mistakes.

Learning to find the bit of truth and own it allows us to defuse our own defensiveness, create greater connection, and grow into the next best version of ourselves.

And who doesn't want all of that?

Want to dig a little deeper?

Check out these podcasts:

#196 How to Break the Blame/Defense Cycle

#302 Gottman's Four Horsemen - Destroying Relationships Has Never Been So Easy