Do Love Languages Matter? part 2
Last blog we talked about Love Languages and how, when used as a gauge for how much someone loves us, they can be harmful.
But today I want to talk about the positive side of love languages.
So, first, let's talk about control. . . and you.
Control can be a sneaky little devil because it disguises itself in all kinds of thoughts that seem really loving and kind.
'I just want everyone to be happy.'
'I want everyone to get along.'
'I just want to help my kids be happy.'
'I want this to be the best Christmas ever.'
You know, lovely sentiments like that.
The control here is tricky because it sounds like the end result would be exactly what we, and probably everyone else, would want.
But on closer examination, we see elements of seeking to control other people in these comments.
Underlying ideas of how people should show up -- what they should say and how they should behave.
And this is just not a space that creates a healthy relationship.
In the last blog we talked about how the Love Languages are harmful when we use them as an expectation of how other people should show up.
They should give gifts, they should do acts of service, they should give words of affirmation, they should spend quality time, or they should give me the physical touch with both the right quality and quantity.
When the love languages are couched in terms of expectations for how others should show up, they can be really harmful.
However, when placed in the context of how WE want to show up, the love languages can be an incredible tool.
When we know the love language of our partner, our children, or our friends, we can choose to show up in a way that we know will be meaningful for them.
We can deliberately choose to step out of what may be comfortable or easy for us, in order to reach out and let the other person know we see them.
We see their wants and their needs, their likes and their dislikes.
And then we get to control how we show up in the relationship.
And love languages can help us understand how we can let the other person know we are engaged in the relationship.
Because although we can't control how another person thinks or wants to engage, we can put actions into their circumstance line, and maybe they will interpret our behaviors as being loving.
When used as a gauge to monitor our own behavior, attitudes, and feelings, the love languages can be a great tool.
If the other person in your relationship has different love languages than you, we are in a really great space to reach outside of our comfort zone, be a little bit more vulnerable, and deepen the relationship through engaging in their love language.
What love languages do the people in your life speak?
Take an opportunity this week to speak their language without any expectation that they will speak yours, and see what happens.
Want to dive a little deeper? Check out this podcast:
