Arguing With Reality
Byron Katies teaches: When you argue with reality, you're going to lose 100% of the time.
This is one of my favorite quotes.
When we stand back and think about it, it seems so simple.
If I argue with the fact that my body is 5'4", I will always lose.
The trick though, is learning to recognize the things we think are facts that aren't facts at all — they're thoughts.
Because our brain thinks a lot of things are facts when they're not.
Here are some examples:
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My daughter-in-law shouldn't tell me how to grandparent.
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My husband should plan romantic get-aways.
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My boss should recognize all the hard work I do.
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My son should return my text messages.
Notice that all of these have the word 'should' in them.
'Should' is generally a key indicator that we are in a thought and not in a fact.
But the thing is, they sound true to our brains, and so we generally don't question them.
We just accept that the thought is true and then we feel frustration or anger because things don't work out the way we thought they should.
Because when we think something should be different than it is, we are arguing with reality.
And as Byron Katie says, we will lose this argument 100% of the time.
We are in a no-win situation.
So, learning to accept that things are what they are is an incredibly empowering skill.
The only way we can 'win,' is if we change things, and identifying the fact gives us the data we need to change.
Let's take another look at our examples:
My daughter-in-law shouldn't tell me how to grandparent,
The fact here would be, 'My daughter-in-law asked me not to give my grandchildren candy.'
Look at how that is different than the original example.
It's factual, and it creates the space to think a more productive thought like, 'I'm grateful she has my grandchildren's health in mind, and I also want them to be healthy.'
Rather than, 'my husband should plan romantic get-aways,' we can identify the fact, 'my husband hasn't ever planned a romantic getaway,' and then we can either decide to have a discussion about it with him, or plan it ourselves.
We can choose to acknowledge the facts.
Instead of, 'my boss should recognize all the hard work I do,' the fact may be 'my boss hasn't recognized my hard work for two months,' and then we can decide how we want to approach this situation.
You may think it's a fact that, 'my son should return my text messages,' but the fact actually is, 'my son has not replied to the last six text messages I've sent him.'
Now what? How to respond to that fact is entirely my choice.
Learning to pull the facts out of our thoughts helps to empower us.
Because then we're not fighting with reality, we're choosing instead how to respond to reality.
And this is where our self-empowerment lives.
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