00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 83, "Self-Honesty." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Well, hello there, my friend. So glad to be with you again today. I hope that things are going fabulous for you. I am just in such a good place. I am just really starting to connect with a lot of things with my business, loving where I am, love working with my clients. It's just so fun to watch them have these big ahas of awareness that they go, "oh my gosh, I see this. I see what I'm doing. I see what I'm creating and they understand what's happening in their lives and how they're creating it." And I love, love, love that. 

00:55 

So, if you want to experience that, get on my website, tanyahale.com. Sign up for a free coaching session. It is so amazing and it's free and I love to do it, and you don't even have to feel like you're wasting my time because it's something that I enjoy doing so much. I love it, love it, love it and I love sharing it with you. 

01:17 

So, today we're going to be talking about self honesty. Okay, so this is a concept to tackle that I think, if we're honest with ourselves, is going to hit home with all of us because it is so easy to be dishonest with ourselves and try and justify our thoughts or behaviors and to avoid to seek shame. But mostly I think we're dishonest just because we're not aware of our thoughts. So let's dig into this today, shall we. 

01:44 

Alright, the reason this self-deception can be so damaging is because it keeps us from really acknowledging our thoughts, thoughts that are creating our lives. And until we can really learn to be honest with ourselves at every level, our growth is stinted. And I think it's perfectly okay to acknowledge our thoughts that we may not love and decide to keep it there for whatever reason, right? But when we're honest with it, then we can make a decision Intentionally because we're fully aware that we are the ones doing the creating. We are completely stepping into the responsibility of the situation. As long as we are deceiving ourselves, whether intentionally or non-intentionally, we are being a victim and we're not taking responsibility for our for our own lives, right? And that is never a place of growth. So although I know there are instances where we will intentionally be dishonest with ourselves, telling ourselves one thing when we really kind of know deep down something different, I'm not really going to focus on that too much today. Because I think the bigger culprit is when we are unaware of the dishonesty going on in our brains because we really think that we're telling ourselves the truth or we've never questioned the thoughts that are going on in our brains. This would be when our thought patterns have become so ingrained that we find ourselves lying to ourselves and we truly are completely unaware of what's going on. 

03:16 

So let me give you an example from my life just this last Christmas. Alright, so just a month ago. Over my 51 years of life I have trained my primitive brain to skip over the negative emotions and focus only on the positive. So I find myself doing what's called "buffering." So I engage something that would cause a negative emotion and I automatically start thinking positive thoughts to keep that negative emotion from coming. There are a lot of things I think in my lifetime that have played into this and though I've identified a few, I'm sure that I'm not even aware of the majority of the things that play into this. But for various reasons this is what I have trained my brain to do. Now, seeing the positive is a great thing in life, but what I'm realizing is that it cuts me off from feeling negative emotions that connect me really to myself and to other people. And I want to start feeling more emotion rather than just buffering with positive thoughts all the time. 

04:24 

This is interestingly enough the exact opposite of what I think so many other people do. Many people are inundated with negative thoughts and emotions and they struggle to get into the positive side. I'm the opposite, but it's what I do and it's what I've done as long as I can remember. So as I've become aware of this, I'm working to try and notice when I'm buffering with positive thoughts to keep out the uncomfortable emotions. So I've been aware probably for about four months, but it's been difficult for me. I'm not really seeing myself do this when it's happening, mostly just recognizing when it hits my R line, my results line. I've not been noticing it until sometime after the situation occurs. So something happens, later on I go, "oh, I think I was doing that," or I'm not even recognizing it, I'm not even seeing it, right? 

05:17 

So this Christmas my children were with their dad, but I did have family in town staying with me and I had plans to spend the day with other siblings as well. But I wasn't with my kids. And Christmas morning I was texting a good friend and he asked if it was hard not being with my kids on Christmas. And the first response I started texting back was "a little, but it's okay." And then I stopped. And this is the first time this has happened to me. I caught myself doing this. I caught myself in the act of buffering with a positive thought, right? So I stopped and I thought, "actually it does kind of bother me." And I really hadn't allowed myself to go there yet at all. I hadn't thought about my kids being gone because, gee whiz, I'm buffering the negative emotions right? 

06:06 

So I erased that response and I typed, "yeah, but I'm okay." And then I stopped again. I found myself doing the exact same thing. I found myself avoiding the emotions I was having regarding not being with my children on Christmas. So then I erased that and I typed, "it is hard." And immediately I started to cry. And I allowed myself to feel the negative emotion associated with the honesty of it being hard to not be with my kids on Christmas. So I had a nice little cry and it was all good. I mean, I'm probably buffering there, right? But I did have a nice little cry. Not huge and long but it was such a thing for me to connect with the thought that, "you know what, this is hard for me and I've just been putting it off and putting it off." 

07:01 

So it was a huge breakthrough for me and this is why: I've spent my life buffering out the negative emotions with these positive thoughts, with really avoiding that part of this where I start to cry. So the awareness that I was buffering by just saying "a little, but it's okay," was a big breakthrough for me. I saw very clearly what I was doing for the first time and I caught myself in the act. And then I worked myself into being honest with what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel a lot of love for my children and also sadness for not being with them on Christmas Day. And what did it do for me? It helped me connect with myself more, to feel more in touch with the kind of person I really want to be. And I also felt more connected with my kids even though they weren't there because my thoughts were acknowledging how much I love them and how much I miss them. 

07:58 

And to be 100% honest with you, I was completely unaware that I was buffering with positive thoughts. I had not even allowed it to come into the playground with me, okay? I was completely unaware until I said that first "a little, but it's okay." And this was the first time I recognized the buffering during the action line, right? The A line, yay for me, okay? I've moved up and I've caught myself doing it while in the act of doing it. So that's huge progress for me. And it took me about four months to move from the awareness where I just would see it in my results and recognize that I was doing this to being able to see it in my action line, to be able to catch myself in the act of doing it. So my next goal for this level of honesty is to start recognizing it in my feeling line, start allowing myself to have those feelings. And who knows, this may take another four months. but that's okay if I'm moving forward, right? 

08:59 

Alright, so this was a bit of a story, but I wanted to illustrate the point that at first, I had no awareness that I was avoiding the difficult emotion. No awareness I was lying to myself, and I've been in this state for years. But this last fall, I realized this was what I was doing, and I've been trying to become more aware of it. And after a few months of trying to be more aware, I had this experience where I saw it so clearly. This is how honesty with ourselves will often work. We will be having thoughts, often dishonest thoughts, and be completely unaware of them. Then we may get some awareness like I did, but it will still take some time before we really start to see it clearly. But if we stick with it, eventually, as I did on Christmas Day, we will see it clearly and be able to take a step in the direction we want to go. 

09:52 

But as I've analyzed this situation, here's something else important that I've discovered: I realized that when I was avoiding the negative emotion by buffering with positive thoughts, my thought behind it was that I have to be strong. I'm in this situation as a single mom, a single woman, and I feel as though I've always had to be strong for myself and also for my children, but also to prove to other people that I've got this. In my mind, weakness is not an option here. And that, my friends, is based in shame, right? So I've been having some real ahas about myself as I've gone through this. When I think about not being strong enough to handle my situation, I feel shame. And so I've not even been letting myself go there. 

10:47 

And in my head, as I sit here talking to you, I know this is ridiculous. I really do see how letting down my guard and being strong and strong, vulnerable with accepting that sometimes this whole single mom and single woman thing is overwhelming and hard, that acknowledging that would actually be the stronger thing to do. I realize that I could grow more and understand more if I would acknowledge these things, right? But my primitive brain hasn't caught up with that thought yet, so my primitive brain is still pushing all of that aside, right? So now that I'm more aware of the kinds of situations I do this in, I can start to look for it, see it more often, and start being more honest with myself. 

11:35 

And I think there are a lot of situations where we've created these deep-seated patterns of behavior because they protect us in some way, or they're a coping mechanism we've created for a difficult situation. And because they've been happening for so long, we can often be in the action or the result line before we're even aware that we're engaging in it. 

11:58 

So here's something I wanna point out: being unconsciously dishonest with myself is serving me in some way. For this particular situation, it is serving me by helping me to feel strong, to feel that I have nothing to be ashamed of, by creating this idea that everything is okay. It's protecting me from the discomfort of the negative emotions that would come if I were to fully acknowledge them. So, how do we get to the point of awareness? How do we even know when we're being dishonest? If most of it is unconscious, how in the world are we ever supposed to see it? That's a really good question, so let's talk about that for a minute. 

12:43 

Really coming to a point where we see ourselves more clearly has to start with being self-reflective. We have to be looking at ourselves with the intention of wanting to see areas where we can grow and move forward rather than just being content to stay exactly who and where we are. So since you're listening to this podcast, it's a pretty safe bet that you're a person who is working to be more self-reflective and wanting to grow, and that is the first great news, right? Good for you. Wanting to engage in the really difficult work of self-growth is a huge advantage that you have, because there's a lot of people out there who don't have the awareness yet that growing is what this is all about, and so they're not very self-reflective. I think most people will get there eventually, but there's people who haven't even started on that path yet, so the fact that you have is great. So here you are, you're already seeking growth. So how do we increase our self-reflection? 

13:41 

I think it comes in a lot of different ways. For me last fall, I was actually writing a podcast, and while I was engaging with the thought processes of figuring out the content, all of a sudden, I had a huge aha where I realized that I was buffering with positive thoughts. So the fact that I was engaging in thinking and processing information brought this to my mind. Sometimes the awareness of my self-deception comes when I'm discussing things with a trusted friend or with my trusted exercise friends in the morning. We'll be discussing a concept and I get a glimpse into what I'm doing that is not congruent with the kind of person that I want to be. Sometimes it comes when someone calls me out on my behaviors or interactions. This could be a family member, maybe another coach I'm working with, or a friend, but we have the trust and the relationship that they can actually approach me with something they see that is not working in my favor. I've talked about this quite a while ago on a podcast, but I had an experience a few years ago with a brother where we had a conflict, which is not my norm. I don't do that very often. But as I looked back on that conflict, I saw something about myself that I had not seen before. I saw an area where I had not been being honest. 

15:08 

And then one last one. I also find that when I'm consistent in my prayers of asking my Heavenly Father to show me what I need to be working on, what I need to see, I will usually have one of the above-mentioned circumstances. He answers that  prayer through one of those ways usually. And I love the verse at the end of The Book of Mormon, Moroni 10:4, that says we have to pray with real intent, meaning that I really want to know so that I can move in a better direction. When I do know, I'll make the change. 

15:44 

So one reason I love coaching so much is that I can be one of those people for you. Having someone else show us our thoughts is amazingly helpful. Just as last week I was working with my coach and she pointed out another area in my life where I'm avoiding negative emotion through positive thoughts. And it was mind-blowing for me. And it was more than a little exciting for me to also see another situation where I'm buffering to avoid negative emotions and so I can start working to engage with those more. I truly believe that when we're ready, God gives it to us. A big part of our work here on earth is getting ourselves ready to receive the truth. Our Father in Heaven is very merciful and kind and He gives us things when we're ready and when the timing is perfect. When we are open to the growth that comes from self-honesty, God will help us see where we are being dishonest with ourselves. 

16:46 

And then once we become aware, it's important to put it on the front burner and watch that pot, right? Keep it on the forefront of your mind and look for it in other places of your life. See how it's showing up and what it looks like. This can be a process. For me, it took three to four months before I caught myself lying to myself in order to avoid negative emotion. So be prepared to only see your dishonesty in your results for a while. It may take a while for all of us to click in, but the more aware you become, eventually you'll begin to see it in your actions, just as I did on Christmas Day, right? The more aware I become of my actions, eventually I'll be able to catch it when it's in my feeling line. And then over time I'll start catching it in my thought line. 

17:35 

I think sometimes we think that when we have a new thought or a new awareness that we should be able to change it immediately. And I just do not think that that is usually the case. Occasionally? Probably. But normally? No. Remember the path in the forest that we've talked about in the past? We have our old thoughts that are like a well-worn path. Hard-packed dirt with weeds growing, with no weeds growing in it, no branches, no rocks, no logs. These are our old, dishonest thoughts. Our primitive brain, our cerebellum, loves these thoughts. They're easy. They require very little energy. They are the go-to thoughts for our brain. 

18:18 

But to create a new thought path in our brain forest is hard. There are thigh-high weeds and rocks and branches and logs in the way, and our primitive brain doesn't want to engage with that. It doesn't want to walk this new path because it's hard and requires a lot of energy. We have to be really consistent with walking our new path if we want it to become easier to walk. But the more consistent we are with jumping from our old thought path to our new thought path, the easier the new path gets and the more difficult the old path gets because it starts growing up with weeds, right? The less we walk it, the more difficult it's going to get. So if we want to start being more honest with ourselves, it requires a lot of self-awareness, really seeking to see where we are telling ourselves lies and then telling ourselves the truth over and over and over until eventually telling ourselves the truth is easier than telling ourselves a lie. 

19:24 

And then we can move on to the next lie, right? Because they're ingrained in us. That's what creates so many of these issues in our lives. So much of what we live is based in coping mechanisms and unhealthy thought patterns that have protected us at some point, but that aren't really serving us at the moment and they're not helping us to become better versions of ourselves holding us back from becoming the Christlike people that we are truly seeking to become. And I think as we hit middle-age, many of us have moved past a lot of the sins of commission that may have once held us back. We're mostly good people who are trying to be kind and serve others. We might go to church every week and take the Sacrament. We live the Word of Wisdom. We pay our tithing. You know, we really have learned how to be more patient, how to be more loving. 

20:18 

But the sins of omission are the ones that really start to come out and to be seen. And they're the ones that are playing our lives at this stage. So to me, this seems like the fine tuning that starts to take place at this stage in our lives. But sins of omission aren't often glaring, staring us in the face like other things contend to do. They're often hiding behind our good behaviors and are only found when we really start looking for them. When we are really cleaning out the back closets of our lives, not just the common areas that everyone sees. 

20:55 

So this is what I love about this work as a coach. I really feel it helps me to become more aware of my sins of omission, the things I'm doing that are keeping me from having that deeper, stronger connection with my Savior, the lies I tell myself that are holding me back, that are filtering the Spirit and keeping me from truly reaching my God-given potential. I love when Christ in the New Testament says that we shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. Our ability to tap into our potential, to grow into our best selves ever, truly is freedom. And when we can move into our thoughts, start identifying and recognizing those that are not true, then with the help of the Atonement, we can clean those out and replace them with truths and with honesty. 

21:50 

And then we can begin to really step into the freedom that we have been created to experience. This is the place of true connection with God and Christ, when we can truly connect to ourselves in honesty, when we can set aside the lies that we tell ourselves that hold us back from growing and discovering, when we can grow into the truth of who we really are and who we're meant to be. This is our place of happiness. This is when we are growing up. And I love it, don't you? I really, really, really love this growing up gig. I just think it's amazing the things that I'm learning at this stage in my life and what my life has prepared me for. And I think that you're probably feeling a lot of the same as well. We've lived a life, we have experiences, it has placed us here. 

22:45 

Alright, so again, as I mentioned at the beginning, I would love to coach you if you would like to work through a situation or some thoughts. Would love to do that and I offer a free mini session. So go on my website, tanyhale.com, go to the "coaching" tab and you can see a place to get in touch with me and we will set up a time. Okay? And also if you haven't signed up for my "weekend win" yet, you can do that on my website as well. Just go to the home page and scroll all the way down to the bottom. There's a place for you to sign up. I just send out a quick email every Friday morning. It's meant to be read in one minute or less, just a little life coaching thought to think about, to help you hopefully start to change your perspective and help you see things more clearly. 

23:31 

Alright, thank you for joining me here today. I am so grateful for the growth that my podcast is experiencing and it's because of you. So thanks for being here. If you haven't subscribed, go ahead and do that. Leave me a review if you love what you're hearing and also please share this with people that you feel could also benefit from this information and who would love to progress as well and come into that that place of self-realization. And my dear friends, that is going to end it up for me today. I hope that you have an amazing day. I hope that you contemplate this self-honesty piece and consider that "hmm maybe I'm not always honest with myself because we're not okay." Alright, move in there, talk to you next time. Bye. 

24:19 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.