00:00 

You are listening to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 8, "Boundaries 1.0, Part 2." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hello there again, everybody, my dear friends. Thank you so much for coming here today. Today we are hitting number part 2 of Boundaries 1.0. Boundaries are just so much to talk about. This is my passion. This is what I love is talking about boundaries. And at some point I'm going to be creating a boundaries course and putting it on my website that will be available because I just think that boundaries are such a vital, vital part of having good healthy relationships. And if we can get to the point that we can set healthy and good boundaries, we are in a good emotional place and I love that. I love that we can get where we want to be and have the kinds of relationships that we want to have. 

01:03 

So let's start off today by a quick review of what we talked about last time. So what are boundaries? So boundaries are what I'm responsible for and what I'm not responsible for. What is me and what is not me? What do I like? What don't I like? And what is okay and what is not okay with me? And we're going to start, we're going to jump right into it today by talking about why do we resist boundaries? 

01:26 

So last time we talked about we sometimes have a fear of repercussion or of making someone angry or upset. We might have a fear of a loss of a relationship or we might have feelings of guilt and selfishness. And let's dive into each of those a little bit more today. So we resist for these reasons but these are all false reasons. None of these really hold water when it comes right down to it. In fact, these reasons are the exact reasons that we should set boundaries because a healthy relationship cannot survive in an atmosphere where we are fear of making someone angry or where we're afraid of losing that relationship or where we have feelings of guilt and selfishness. That is not a healthy place for a healthy relationship to be and so we've got to learn to get rid of those. 

02:11 

Let's talk about the first one, a fear of repercussion. If we're afraid that someone's going to be angry or upset... first of all if we're in a relationship with a healthy person they will respond with respect when we put forth our boundaries. When we talk about what is okay and what is not okay with me. When we say, "you know what, when you say this I don't like it and I would be very happy for you to stop saying this to me" or to "stop doing this to me." And a healthy person is going to look at us and say "wow, I'm sorry, I didn't know that that's what was going on. I will look at that again and I will try and make some changes." And so if we're in a relationship with a healthy person that's a great place to be. 

02:55 

If I am afraid of anger or or making the other person upset, it shows, first of all, a lack of trust in my relationship. And this is an indicator that there is something bigger going on here. Something needs to happen to fix this, because to be fixed in that relationship. If a lack of trust is one of the biggest harmful things for a relationship, and so if there's a lack of trust going on because I'm afraid of repercussion, that's a huge indicator, a huge sign. 

03:30 

Another thing in here is we have to be aware that there's a difference between hurting and harming. I love that in their book, "Boundaries," Cloud and Townsend talk about this. They talk about hurt and harm. And they basically say that if I truly value a relationship, I'm not going to cause it any long-term harm, but some things might hurt in the short term. Let me give you an example. If my child broke her arm, that would be horrible. Well, if I'm trying not to hurt her, I would say, "oh sweetheart, let's just give you some medicine, let's just wrap it up, and we'll just let it do by itself." But I'm not going to do that. I'm going to take her to the doctor, we're going to get an x-ray, they may have to set it, which is going to be a painful process, and it's going to cause some hurt in the short term as they set that arm and as they take care of it. 

04:29 

But long term, I'm not creating any harm. In fact, I'm healing that arm correctly in the long term. So again, let me say that how Cloud and Townsend say it. They said, "if we truly value the relationship, we will not cause it any long-term harm," which means that I would take her in to go get the arm set, because I don't want it to set incorrectly and have her to have an unusable arm later on in the future. So I'm not going to cause it any long-term harm, but some things may hurt in the short-term. 

05:04 

Does setting boundaries hurt? Sometimes yes. Sometimes it's scary and it's painful for us, and sometimes it's painful for the other person to be told that something they are doing is not acceptable or is not right. And it may hurt in the short-term, but in the long-term it is better for the relationship. And so as we continue to discuss boundaries that's going to become more and more clear. A second reason that we oftentimes resist boundaries is because we are afraid of losing the relationship. 

05:33 

And again, if we set a boundary out there and and we're in a relationship with an unhealthy person, they're going to resist that boundary. And again, that is a magic indicator that something is not right in the relationship and that something needs to be fixed. Two healthy people are needed for a healthy relationship. You cannot have zero healthy people, as I well know from my situation. And we also can't have one healthy person and an unhealthy person. If we really want to have a healthy intimate relationship, it takes two people. And if both people are healthy, boundaries actually strengthen the relationship rather than harm it. They make the relationship better if there are good strong boundaries. 

06:19 

And that is because there is a whole sense of honesty and that increases the trust. And that to me, that is something that I did not get. And I'm gonna talk about that a little bit later on, but I did not understand that by not setting boundaries, I was not being honest in my relationship. And how can you trust a relationship in that way you can't at all. 

06:44 

The third reason we oftentimes avoid setting boundaries is because we will have feelings of guilt and selfishness. So I read this book a couple of years ago called "Give and Take" by Adam Grant. Brilliant, brilliant book. So this book talks about three groups of people. Talks about people who are givers and people who are takers and then people in the middle who are kind of like matchers. So the matchers will just kind of do whatever to match up with the people around them. 

07:11 

And one of the concepts that they taught in this book that was so brilliant to me, I was listening to it in my car the first time that I read this, so I listened to it first and then I went and bought the book and I read it because it was so brilliant to me. But then he talks about a success scale. So you look at a line with the least successful people on the bottom and it moves up to the most successful people on the top. And the question that he was asking was, where do givers fit on that success scale? Where do matchers fit and where do takers fit? And I'm listening to this book and I'm totally into it. I'm loving it. And he says, well, first of all, givers are on the bottom of the success scale. And I was like, oh, well, okay, I can see that, right? Cause they're always giving up to help other people do stuff and they're not getting what they want. So that was totally making sense to me. And then he said that matchers and takers are in the middle. And then he explains that and I was like, okay, I can see that. 

08:08 

And then he says, and who do you think is at the top? And he said it was givers. And he says, do you know why? And I was in my car and I was going through all my boundary work at this time where I was learning all about boundaries and I was in my car freaking out. And I was like, oh my gosh, it's boundaries, it's boundaries, I know it's boundaries. And you know what it was, the difference between the givers at the bottom of the success scale and the givers at the top of the success scale were that the givers at the top had boundaries. 

08:44 

Now in the book, I don't believe that they use the word boundaries, but as they talk about what's going on, in my brain, I was like, it's entirely boundaries, that is what's going on. So a giver, which many of us will associate with being a giving person, that's how we're raised, right? And that's how we want to be in this. As women that's our natural inclination oftentimes is to be a giver but givers will be on the bottom of the success scale if we allow people to walk all over us. But if we set clear boundaries and stand up for ourselves we can be at the top of the success scale, and that to me was a huge huge brilliant aha, where I just went "oh my gosh this is what I need to do." 

09:33 

Because this is what happens: if I can be at the top as a giver and if I can set healthy boundaries, what does that say? It says that I believe that I'm a person of worth, that my thoughts, my beliefs, my values, my desires, these all matter. And they do because I'm a person created by God. Because it doesn't matter what I've done, it just matters that I am and because I am I matter. And if I can learn to live my life as though I matter then I will be setting boundaries. Because all of those things, my thoughts, my beliefs, my values, my desires, those are all a part of the beauty that is me. They are all part of what makes me unique and beautiful. 

10:24 

And as I find acceptance in this person that I really am, I begin to find my worth. And the more I find my worth, the more I set strong boundaries. And this becomes a cyclical relationship between these because as I accept who I am more and more, that leads to me finding my worth and to feeling like I'm more worthwhile. And the more I feel worthwhile the more that I can accept who I really am. And it becomes this upward spiral of acceptance and self-worth and acceptance and self-worth that continues to lead us into better and stronger places. 

11:03 

So another huge aha that I had. I was preparing a presentation for boundaries, and this was the first time that I ran into Brooke Castillo, and found a podcast that she had done about boundaries. I was listening to it and I was blown away because Integrity is one of my top values. It's so important to me that I try and live my life with integrity and try and and do good things, but it's also important to me that people around me are also living with integrity. And I listened to her podcast and she said something that blew me away. And she said basically if you're not setting boundaries, you're not being honest with the people around you. You're not being honest about yourself and about what you want and about what you need. 

11:52 

And I had to stop the podcast for a minute because I was like, what? What? I pride myself on being this person of integrity and on always really trying to do what I feel is right. And all of a sudden I found out that for years I had been a person that did not have integrity in this particular area because I was not being honest with myself or with my husband because I was not saying what I was okay or not okay with. I was not saying what I was and was not responsible for. And I was not saying what was me and what was not me. I was sacrificing myself, my wants, my desires to try and have a relationship or save a relationship or build a relationship. 

12:42 

And this is the thing that I learned from that, as I process through that and work through it, is that a healthy relationship demands honesty. If I'm not showing up as my true self and if the other person in the relationship is not showing up as their true selves, how can we really love them? How can they really love us? Because our true self is not there. For ourselves, we have to know who we are and we have to know what we value and we have to know where our boundaries are. And for others, we have to be able to voice our values openly and honestly. 

13:25 

So honesty to ourselves and to others about what our boundaries are and about what that is. So first I have to understand what I value and I have to decide what is okay and what's not okay for me. And I have to realize that I need to be responsible for me and not for other people. And I need to make decisions accordingly. Do you remember in the last podcast, we talked about that list of negative feelings, okay? We can be an indicator that boundaries are being crossed, that we feel like our boundaries are being crossed is if we start to feel pushed around, pressure to say yes, if we feel ignored or misunderstood, betrayed, disrespected, unappreciated, violated, if we feel angry, unloved, frustrated, or taken advantage of, if we fear confrontational conversations, if we tend to ignore what's important to us in order to make other people feel more comfortable, or if we feel restricted, these are indicators that we are not being honest with ourselves or with others about our boundaries. 

14:32 

Let me share with you an experience that I had just this last week about boundaries, and I'm going to be very vague with details because I don't want this person to to be called out, and actually it ended up being a really really great situation but I don't want people to know who this is. So I'm going to call this person Chris because Chris could be a female name or Chris  could be a male name and I'm going to work really hard to not use pronouns here. So I may use the word Chris a lot but I had an experience with Chris this last week where I volunteer some time doing something and Chris sent me a text message indicating something that was going to be happening and kind of telling me what I needed to do with it. 

15:22 

Well, in my brain this was crossing a boundary; not that what this person was asking was wrong or not, and it wasn't even that I wasn't willing to do what this person was asking, but it was in the way that I was told what was going to be happening instead of being asked if it was okay if that happened. And it was a text message which you know sometimes text messages can can be good and sometimes they can be bad. In this case I think it was good because it gave me time to think and to process what I was feeling and how I wanted to respond with a boundary but also in a loving and a kind way because to me that's important. I don't want to be ornery, I don't want to be mean and I don't want to make people feel bad but I'm also at a point in my life, thank you for growing up, I'm at a point in my life where I understand that I am teaching people how to treat me with the boundaries that I set. 

16:16 

And so I finally responded to Chris by saying, this isn't exactly but basic idea, was "I'm a little concerned about about how you requested that because I felt like you were telling me that instead of asking me that and that doesn't feel right to me and it I don't feel like that was very considerate. I'm happy to do what you're asking me to do but I was would appreciate some more consideration in the future, considering the situation." And Chris wrote back, and interestingly enough, as is almost always the case, the first text back was a little bit defensive and a little bit blaming. And that's totally normal. When we set a boundary with someone, or if someone sets a boundary with us, our first inclination is to get defensive or to start blaming somebody else. And that's just natural. And if that doesn't happen, then we're working with a saint. Because I think we just have these natural inclinations to respond that way. And Chris did. And I kind of wrote something back. 

17:31 

And then the next text message that I got back from Chris was very much like, "wow. I just went back and reread, and you're right. And I'm sorry and I apologize," and we ended up getting to a point where, sorry I just think this is amazing, we got to a point where our conversation, even texting, was comfortable and easy and I realized that this person is a healthy person because there was a conflict in ideas, a conflict in how something should be said, and yet as it was resolved. Chris really took the time to listen and to hear and to understand what I was saying and it ended up being a very, very good situation. 

18:29 

And when I saw Chris the next day, there was no awkwardness, there was no uncomfortableness, there was no resentment or frustration in my heart at all, it was completely resolved and I just, I was blown away with the beauty of the situation and what it took. It was uncomfortable for me for sure to write back and to say "hey, you didn't say this very nicely and I would like to be treated with more consideration," and yet I saw that I walked away with so much more respect for this person because Chris responded in such a healthy, kind, Christlike way. And I believe that Chris walked away with greater respect for me because I stood up for being treated with consideration. 

19:20 

And this is the thing, I've come to realize that I cannot have the connected, intimate relationships I desire without boundaries. It is emotionally impossible for us to have those deep, intimate relationships if we are not willing to set boundaries. Because if I'm not setting boundaries I am withholding the true me and I am keeping the relationship very shallow. And along the same lines, if I am not allowing the other person to be their true self, I am also keeping the relationship shallow if I am not allowing the other person to set clear boundaries. I realize as I look back on my marriage that I was wrong on both sides of this; I was withholding the true me but I was also not allowing my husband at the time to be his true self as well because I was intimidated and scared. And that was part of keeping the relationship shallow and not allowing us to have the the deeper connection that we wanted. 

20:32 

So this is kind of the bottom line about boundaries. You know what, we want to be kind, we really do. We want to be compassionate. We want to be loving. We want to be Christlike, and we want to be peacemakers, don't we all? But this is the thing. I cannot be any of these things if my heart is full of resentment. How can I be peaceful if my heart is full of resentment? How can I be loving if my heart is full of resentment? There is not room in my heart for love and peace if I am full of resentment. And resentment comes when my boundaries are crossed, when I don't talk about those boundaries and talk about what's important to me. 

21:15 

Boundaries are a gift to other people because we are giving them the best version of ourselves. We're giving them the best experience with us that they can possibly have. We are giving them the ability to see and to love the real authentic us, and this is what creates intimacy in relationships. So when I present my true self to the world, sharing what is close to my heart, or being vulnerable, right, that other brand new word in my vocabulary, as I choose to be vulnerable, I build self-respect and I receive respect from other people. I make a contribution to the world of myself, and that is a worthy contribution. When I am no longer an easy target, I gain the respect of others, and healthy boundaries are a path to get me ahead, to be seen, to be heard, to be respected, and my ability to communicate my boundaries becomes one of my greatest strengths. 

22:19 

My situation with Chris this week was a huge validation of that idea for me, because as I communicated my boundaries, I felt stronger and better about myself, and I just felt my self-respect go up, and I also felt his respect for me go up as well. So when I learn to really love what is, to embrace people and to embrace their boundaries as well. I value where they are and I value their boundaries and I value my own boundaries. 

22:50 

And one other thing, we don't need to explain or reason out our boundaries with anyone. We just need to say what our boundaries are and when we start explaining to others, they can see it as something that is negotiable. We don't need to explain and another important part about as we start closing up on boundaries, we have to realize that the other person that we are dealing with is not responsible for our boundaries or our limits. We are. Only we can know what we want to give and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. And if we don't draw it, we can quickly become resentful. But we also need to understand that I'm not responsible for other people's boundaries. 

23:31 

But I do need to learn not to manipulate or push others boundaries, but rather be respectful of other people's boundaries. Even if they have not yet learned to express them. So, being cognizant and aware of where other people are and where their boundaries are is a very important skill to learn as well. When I'm setting boundaries, my boundaries need to deal with myself and not with the other person. I'm not telling the other person how to behave. I'm just telling them the behavior that I will accept. I'm not demanding that my spouse or my friend or my parent or whoever do something. I'm not even demanding that they respect my boundaries. But what I am saying is that these are the behaviors that are okay with me and this is what I will or will not do if these boundaries are crossed. 

24:22 

Okay, so here's the deal. I am going to need one more, part three, to finish talking and wrap some of this up about now how do we really set boundaries and how do we start to do this in a way that is helpful and useful because there's just so much to do here. So, next time we will do Boundaries 1.0 Part 3 and we'll talk a little bit more about this. In the meantime, thank you. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope that you've learned some things that are helping you to be a stronger and a better person. 

24:56 

So, with that, if you would like to get some personal help from me with boundaries or with anything else that's going on in your life, you can go to tanyahale.com to sign up for a free 20 minute coaching session. And if you love what you're hearing, please share it with other people who may need this same information and need to know about boundaries and what we can do to have healthier, better, more intimate relationships. Alright, that's it for me. Don't you love growing up? I love growing up. I'm so glad to be where I am at this stage in my life and to be understanding the things that I do. What a brilliant thing life is. I hope you have a terrific, terrific week and we'll see you here next time talking about how to set boundaries. See you later. Bye. 

25:42 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.