00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 55, "Don't Should Yourself." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

And welcome back to Intentional Living. This is Tanya Hale. I'm really happy to have you here with me today. On a personal note, this has just been a crazy week for me. This will come out in about three weeks, but I had my first week of middle school students this week and I have to tell you that this is an exhausting week. The first two weeks of school are always just super tiring because when you're in a classroom, it's kind of like being on stage for six hours a day and monitoring constantly the behavior of anywhere between 25 and 35 kids. For me, seventh and eighth graders, so that's 12, 13, 14 year olds. And though I love it, the first few weeks building my stamina back up is kind of exhausting. 

01:12 

So it's actually Saturday afternoon. I try and record these a little bit earlier in the week, but it has been a tiring week. And to top it off, I sent my daughter Allison, you met her in "Divorce and the Kids," I sent her to the Missionary Training Center in Provo this week. She's going on a mission to Ecuador and so that has made it a super emotional week for me. She's one of my best friends and we just get along so well and I'm going to miss her like crazy. So I've had a week where I woke up this morning and I was like, "huh, you know what, I didn't send out my Friday email." So I just sent that out as well. So some weeks are like that, right? There's a lot going on. I came home every night exhausted, but a really, really. week and some great things going on. I'm happy to be back at school with my kiddos and so so happy to be sending my daughter out to do some missionary work. And then to top it off I'm happy to be here with you today. 

02:13 

So I love today's topic. It's all about that little awful little SH word: should. I really should clean my bathrooms more often than I do. I should call my friend more often. I've all said this right and we all kind of believe this. I have a friend who always used to tell me she would say "don't should yourself." I always loved that so that's what I entitled today's podcast: don't should yourself. So should should should. What is so wrong with the word should? 

02:46 

Okay, here's what's wrong with it: it keeps me living in a space of guilty limbo because here's how it works. As soon as we think we should do something we are recognizing that we are not doing something that we kind of sort of wish we were doing. But we know we're not doing it, so then we start to feel something along the lines of guilt or shame. And I would put this type of guilt in the unhealthy category of guilt. It's not guilt that's doing us any good. It's not motivating us to action. And although guilt can sometimes be a positive thing, when we know we're not really going to do anything about it, it becomes unhealthy guilt.And often this unhealthy guilt has roots in shame, or it can easily turn into shame. And a shame storm is never a good place to be, because that is when we start attacking ourselves and not just our actions or our behaviors. 

03:45 

Shame is where we start believing that we are bad for not doing what we feel we should. And when this happens, our self respect starts to take a hit. If we were really committed to doing the things we were telling ourselves that we should be doing, we would find ourselves saying something like, "okay, I'm going to call my friend today," instead of "I should call my friend." Okay, this type of language, "I'm going to call my friend today," promotes action and direction. But in saying "should," it does not promote action nor direction. "Should" is a word that implies that we think it would be really nice or great if we did a certain something, but we're actually not really committed enough to that action to actually do it. So we sit there shoulding ourselves and feeling guilty that we're not doing the things we're really not committed to doing anyway, or we're feeling guilty that we're not wanting to really do the thing we keep telling ourselves that we really should be doing. 

04:49 

Okay, did I just confuse you? Let's put it this way. We're not committed to a certain action. We're not fully committed. We know we're not committed to that action. But we think somewhere in our head that we want to be committed or should be committed, or we think that there is some external reason that we should be committed to it. But because we're not committed, and we think we should be, we start to feel as though there is something wrong either with us, which is shame, or with our behavior, which is guilt. 

05:25 

So the first question we need to ask when we start shoulding ourselves is "why am I actually not committed to this behavior?" And I don't even want to get started in on the "I don't have time" argument. We always have time for the things we really want to have time for. And that's a whole different podcast. But let's get really honest with ourselves, and ask why we're not committed to what we are telling ourselves we should do. When I say "I really should clean out the storage room," I'm saying that it's something that would be really nice if it were done, but not something that right now I feel is worth my time, my attention, nor my energy. 

06:10 

And guess what? That's okay. If my storage room is not perfectly organized the way I think I would like it, life will go on. Because the truth of the matter is, I could make the time if I really wanted to. I could be downstairs right now organizing my storage room instead of doing this podcast. But for now, I've decided that my time and energy and attention are being better used preparing this podcast rather than cleaning my storage room. And really, isn't that awesome? Isn't it amazing that I'm so clear on my priorities here that I know that this recording takes priority over an organized storage room? I love that I've gotten to that point with some things. 

06:57 

Now, not all things in my life, but some things I can really prioritize. Okay? But here's what happens when I keep shoulding myself about my storage room. If I put this idea in the back of my head that I really should be getting my storage room cleaned out, it stays in my brain. And my brain has to keep remembering it, and remembering it, and remembering it. So it's using a lot of mental energy just to keep remembering it and to keep putting it to the front of my brain. And then my brain will occasionally push this thought that I should clean my storage room to the front of my consciousness. And then I have this aware thought that I should clean my storage room. But I know I'm not really going to clean it, so then I start feeling guilty and expending emotional energy dealing with that guilt. So then I push it back down after a bit, and then the cycle starts all over again. My brain expends mental energy remembering and pushing it forward to my consciousness and me expending emotional energy working to submerge the guilt. So if it's something that we really want to do, at some point we just need to put it on our calendar and get it done. Then our brain can let go of that thought. 

08:19 

So here's a silly example for you and I call these my two year 10 minute jobs. But I'm going to give you an even worse example than that. Okay, when I first moved here to Utah 15 years ago, I bought two 50-gallon drums to fill with water for emergencies. Great idea, right? Because you just never know and to have a hundred gallons of water that we could use to drink or to whatever else is a great idea. But apparently, I didn't want to be prepared enough that I would actually fill the barrels with water. Last summer I sat through an emergency preparedness class and I was reminded of how I really do kind of want to at least have the basic emergency prep done. 

09:05 

So within a week I had tackled my biggest obstacle to filling the barrels. Guess what my biggest obstacle was? Okay, figuring out how many drops of bleach to add to the barrel of water to kill what needed to be killed and to make it safe. Serious, that was my biggest issue. That's what was holding me back. Okay, and when I got down to doing it, when I actually stopped shoulding myself and just decided I'm just gonna do it instead, that huge obstacle took all of 30 seconds. It sounded something like this: "Siri, how much bleach do I add to a 50 gallon barrel of water so I can store it?" Serious! I waited 14 years to ask that question? I shoulded myself for 14 years while I waited for me to find the answer to that question. And once I found out, I got the hose from my front yard. I drug it into my garage. I filled both of those babies in about 20 minutes and voila! A job that took me 14 years and 20 minutes was finished. 14 years to getting around to doing this should and 20 minutes to actually do it. Think about the brain energy, the mental energy required to constantly be reminding me that I needed to fill those barrels. Okay, that's a lot of energy. And then think of how much emotional energy I spent saying, "I know I should, I know I should, I know I should." So that's a serious lack of mental energy and emotional energy. I had felt guilty about that should for 14 years. And guess what, this last year, no mental or emotional energy expended toward those barrels at all. And it only took me 20 minutes and 30 seconds, 30 seconds to find the answer on my phone, and 20 minutes to fill the barrels. 

11:17 

Okay, so the first reason we want to stop the shoulds is because of the energy drain. Most likely we won't pick up on the fact that we're shoulding ourselves until it has come back to haunt us several times. But once we notice this pattern of shoulding going on in our lives, we need to either give up the idea that it's something we want and just say, "you know what, I don't care about that anymore. I don't care about my clean storage room. It's clean enough." Or I need to act on it. And there has never been an easier time to act on things than this day and age, really. When the thought of a should comes up and if it's something you really want to do, drop the should and just do it or put it in motion. 

12:00 

Send that friend a text suggesting you get together rather than keep saying, "oh I really should contact so-and-so and we should get together." Open your shopping list on your phone and put that item on your to buy list right now. Okay, or open up amazon .com and order it right now. Okay, just drop the shoulds and either decide you don't want it or if you do want it, get it done. Decide that this afternoon when you have a free 20 minutes that you're going to go down to the storage room and organize just a portion. Do something right now and move it from a should to a done or in progress. Free up some brain space and give yourself some mental energy back and free up some emotional space and stop feeling guilty about something you're not doing. 

12:56 

Okay, so let's talk about another aspect of shoulding, and this ties in directly with so much of what I've been focusing on so heavily lately, this whole idea of love. When I take a should idea and I act on it, when I'm actually doing things from a place of should, a place of responsibility or duty, it is exhausting and it drains our energy rather than feeling our energy. Okay, remember the podcast on self-care? If you haven't heard, listen to one. That one's a great one. Okay, this is a really important aspect of self-care that I didn't really talk about in that episode. A huge part of self-care is getting to the point that we live our lives from a place of love rather than from a place of responsibility or fear. Because if we're living it for from a place of responsibility, it drains our energy. If we're living it from a place of love, it creates energy. 

13:59 

Okay, let's take an example of raising children, being a mom, taking care of all the things there. When we're doing what we do as a mom from a place of responsibility, it is exhausting. So say like when I'm doing the dishes and I'm angry about it because it's my responsibility. I'm banging dishes and I'm snapping at people who are coming by because they aren't volunteering to come in and help, but really, who wants to help me when I'm in that sort of a mood and acting that way? Nobody does. And when our small children ask us a question, we feel irritated and annoyed at their interruptions because there are things I should be doing. Okay, I'm speaking from a place of experience. I have been there, I have done that. I get those thoughts and emotions for sure. And I did a lot of parenting from a place of responsibility. But in this situation we're acting off of the thought that we should be doing the dishes. And this thought drains our energy. This is not good self-care. Good self-care is doing things that build our energy and build our self-compassion and love. So when we're doing the dishes from a place of should, we are getting things done. And maybe that's better than not getting things done. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. But our thought that we should be doing something creates feelings of resentment or anger or frustration. And these emotions drain our energy. 

15:23 

Okay, so let's take a look at this from the thought model perspective. If I think I should be doing the dishes, that thought will create feelings of resentment, resistance, anger, frustration. Take your pick. Okay, any day it could produce a different negative feeling similar to one of those. But any one of those feelings would create actions where we start snapping at the people around us. Or we start saying passive-aggressive things to let other people know we're not happy that we're doing the dishes. Or we become really impatient with any interruptions. But let's create a new model by taking out the should and replacing it with love. Okay, now I would never in a million years say that I love doing the dishes. So that is not a thought that I would ever want to go with. I would know that that was a lie from the second I thought it. And so that's not a thought that I can use. But I do love having a clean kitchen. So that's a thought I can get behind and I can believe. 

16:26 

So when I think the thought, "I love having a clean kitchen," my feelings become much more positive as well. I might feel gratitude that I have such a great kitchen to work in or that we just had such an amazing meal. I might feel more peace  because I know that in cleaning my kitchen I'm creating a more peaceful place and when I feel these more positive emotions I'm acting completely different. I'll be more patient with a child who comes up and needs my help with something. I may even pull in one of my kids to help and we can chat or we can get playful while cleaning. I might start singing or whistling while I'm cleaning or even dancing. I've been known to dance while I load the dishwasher, okay. But we might be doing that because my thought is "I love having a clean kitchen." This is getting me to a place of peace it's getting me to a place I want to be. That is part of my self-care. When my kitchen is messy my insides feel like they're crawling with bugs. I can't stand it. Now everybody's different but that's one of mine. So even though I don't enjoy cleaning the kitchen, it gives is a piece of self -care for me because it's something that needs to be done for me to feel good. 

17:45 

Okay, now you may think this is silly, but I really want you to give this a serious try. Moving from a place of should with doing what we want done to a place of love makes a huge difference. It creates a space where connections can be made with people around us because our feelings and our actions become inclusive. Whereas when our feelings and actions are coming from a negative thought, they become exclusive. The thought of should produces negative emotions such as compulsion. "I feel compelled to do this. I have to do this." While the thought of love creates positive emotions. I'm grateful for the for this for whatever reason, right? 

18:30 

Okay, so let's put this into one last example. Let's say you had a bit of a quarrel with your spouse. Think about how this works. When your thought is, "I really should go in there and apologize." Okay, that is a place of compulsion, a place of "it's my duty, it's my responsibility." So when you do go in there to say you're sorry, you're not a hundred percent behind those words. When we feel that apologizing is something we have to do or we should do, our hearts are never 100% into it. And when we hold back our hearts, it can be heard in the tone of our voice. It can be seen in our eyes and it can be felt in the lack of connection. Doing something because we feel compelled to do it, even when it's the right thing to do, is always shallow. And when the apology is not received the way you anticipated that it should be received, then the anger rises up again and we often dig ourselves even deeper into the argument, right? 

19:33 

Anybody besides me been in this place before? It's just so human nature, right? However, when we let go of the should, when we don't apologize, because we think we should, but we use some actual self-reflection and some prayer to get ourselves to a place of love, then our approach is completely different when we go in the room to apologize. We approach our spouse with humility and with empathy, with a desire to strengthen the connection rather than continuing to break it down and prove our point. We're not just going through the motions because we feel we should, we are going, we're creating those actions because we want to, we want to create that connection. And when the spouse can feel the love, we have a much better chance of connecting in a place where we can resolve the concerns because we will really listen and seek to understand them and their point of view. They will feel the difference and very often their hearts and fillings will soften towards love as well. 

20:44 

Alright, so another place where "should" always seems to throw us into a place we don't want to be is when we use it in relation to our past behaviors. For example, the phrase, "gosh, I just should have known better," can bring a lot of angst into our lives. Should we really have known better? There's really no way we can answer that. Obviously, we didn't know better, or we would have done better. It's not like we're always out there trying to self-sabotage on purpose, right? We wouldn't be in the situation that we're in if we really did know better. But after something happens, after the fact, saying "I should have known my son was lying to me," does absolutely no good but to cause us to beat ourselves up. Should we really have known? If we had had indisputable evidence that our son was lying to us, we would have known they were lying and we would have acted differently. But should we have known better? Most likely not. Most of us, again, don't self-sabotage on purpose, right? 

21:53 

So this kind of should, this in the past, relates to past expectations that are not being met. At this point, what can we do about our past? We can learn from it. That's all we can do. We can learn from our past. We can't do anything to change it. And if we continue to should ourselves to death, we will never find peace. We will never learn from the situation and we will never be able to move on. So once again, shoulding ourselves doesn't do anyone any good. It only takes us to a place where there is no way out. And when we feel trapped, we start doing and saying things that we don't really want to do or say. And when we have should expectations of other people we continue to create a place where unhappiness reigns. When we think  that someone should be doing something, we're seeking to control their behavior which never ends up in a good good place. He should be on time, he should tell me he loves me... we're trying to control somebody else's behavior. Never a good place to be. So we have got to learn to let go of our should. We should let go of our should. Let's say it again and we'll drop the sh word: let's stop shoulding ourselves. Let's drop the word "should" from our vocabulary. Do or do not, there is no "should." I'm going to change that little quote there. There is no should. Stop shoulding yourself and you will be a much happier and a much more productive person. 

23:47 

I love growing up, don't you? Such an amazing place to be. I just think it's amazing. Okay, if you want some help from me, I would love to be a benefit to you. I would love to add value to your life and help you to see and experience the freedom that comes as we learn to control our thoughts. That may sound awkward to you, that we control our thoughts and get more freedom, but that is exactly what happens. Go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can book a free 20 minute coaching session to get you started. I am only offering three of those a week at this point. I've just got too much going on to offer more than that. So if you want one, get on and snag it before they all get filled. I would love to help you get to a better place. 

24:33 

And also, I am hoping to get a hundred reviews on my podcast on iTunes. So if you listen to this on iTunes, and if you listen to it a lot, that means you must kind of like it at least a little bit, right? Hopefully it's adding some value to you. If that's the case, get on iTunes. It's really a quick and easy process to leave a review. So how you do that, you open up your podcast. You can go to your library. You can click on my podcast. And you'll come up with my page and it will say "ratings and reviews." It will show you what's going on. And if you scroll down just a little bit, there's a little place that says "write a review." So awesome place to be, and I would really appreciate your help on that. And then share it with some friends. If you like listening to this, chances are some of your friends will like listening to this. So go ahead and share it with them and let's just keep this moving. Okay, that is it for me today. I hope you have a really, really amazing week and I will talk to you next time. 

25:48 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!