00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 427, "Considering Love." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there. Welcome to the podcast. So, so glad to have you here, and I'm really glad to have prepared some content for you today that I think you're absolutely going to love. Before we jump in, I want to remind you, if you are listening to this on the day that it comes out, on September 7th, tomorrow, September 8th, is Talk With Tanya. That is just a free webinar that you can come to. It's live. We do not do recordings. It's just a time where you can come ask me any question. You can just listen to other people ask questions and get coached. We talk about all kinds of things. We coach on anything under the sun. I'm an open book. You can ask me any questions about my journey in this work, and with my divorce, and with getting remarried. Like, it's all fair game, and it's just... We have the best discussions. I think you're gonna love it, so you need to go to tanyahale.com, go to the Group Coaching tab, and get signed up for that if you wanna join us. 

01:21 

Also, don't forget to check the show notes. If you listen to this and you go, "I love this. I want to, like, develop this more. I want to figure this out more," go to the show notes. I always put down there... Gosh, I try and keep it small, but every time I end up with, like, 10 or more podcasts that have to do with the same concept or that build on specific elements of the concept that we just talked about. So go down to the show notes. The links are even there. You don't even have to look up the podcast. You can just click on the link and listen to the next one that has to do with it. I think you will love that as a resource. I've been doing that for, gee whiz, probably almost two years now, and I love offering you that resource. Because this work is so important in creating the kind of life that you want, but we have to learn and understand the concepts. 

02:12 

And then I'm just gonna tell you, learning it is great, but if you really want to up-level your game at a quicker pace, one-on one coaching is the gig that you're looking for. I will tell you, my clients who listened to me for a long time, they do great, but as soon as they sign up for one-on-one coaching, their progress multiplies, and they move so fast, and they see things that they didn't see. Where do you wanna be in 20 years? Let's get you there. I promise you, if you want a certain kind of relationship, if you want to feel more loving, to have less angst in your life and, and be less frustrated and, and be able to create a space for your kids that is accepting and kind, and space for your spouse that is beautiful and warm and engaging and connected, this is the work that we do. 

03:08 

This is the work. And I'll tell you, it's capital W Work. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it and tell you that it's easy, but I will tell you that it is worth it. One-on-one coaching, though, is really going to push you next level. When you're just listening to podcasts, it's really easy to learn the content and go, "Oh, that sounds great. That sounds lovely. I really like that." But one-on-one coaching is when the, the rubber meets the road, right? This is where you have to get down and actually do the work at a level that it will significantly change you, the way that you see the world, and how you engage with the world. So gonna invite you, if you love this content, if you show up a lot, let's get some serious work done. 

03:56 

I'll tell you what, it is an investment in time, in energy, in money, and it is so worth it. The money that I have invested over the years in coaching has come back to me multiple, multiple, multipledfold times in satisfaction in my life, in gratitude for my life, in my sense of self, all of these things. You cannot put a price tag on any of those things. It's so worth it. And the life I'm living now with a person who is my equal, with being able to have emotionally mature discussions and awareness and treat each other and love each other in ways that I never thought was possible, it's so worth every penny that I have spent with coaching. And I think I figured it out once that I have spent, ooh, gosh, probab-- I am trying to remember the number. I figured it out. Well over $50,000, um, probably closer to 75, $80,000 in the course of the last several years working on my coaching. And not the coaching that I do. That's part of it, but also the coaching that I have received. It is just an invaluable part of the work that I do for myself to help me create the life that I want. 

05:25 

So you can check out free coaching. Go to tonyahale.com, go to the Free Consultation tab, and you can sign up for a free consult. Let's talk about it. Let's get you fast-forwarding your life into creating what you want so that in 10 years you aren't looking back thinking, "Oh, should I have..." It's like that cherry tree, right? When is the best time to plant a cherry tree? 20 years ago. When's the next best time? Today. Like, let's not keep putting off creating the life and the relationships that you really want. 

05:59 

Okay. That being said, we are going to talk today about what I am entitling this podcast as is considering love Okay? I know we talk about love a lot, but I'm gonna...I wanna come at it again because it never hurts to learn and to think about things from a different perspective. I want us to realize that love is so much more than a feeling. Because when we feel something, it shows up in our actions. So let's start- love is a feeling in our heart that shows up in our actions, but how does the love get in our heart? It starts with our thoughts. And if you are struggling to really show up in loving ways with somebody in your life, today we're gonna look at why. Okay? 

06:49 

Now, when I speak today, I'm going to be talking about all of this in the context of a spouse, but I want you to realize that all the concepts are the same regardless of who the person is. It might be a sister, it might be a friend, it might be a parent, it might be an adult child. It doesn't matter. Concepts are all the same. Okay? But this love that we're talking about, it all starts with our thoughts. It starts off by us thinking amazing, kind, generous things about the other person. 

07:20 

So when I start getting annoyed with someone's behavior, I want us to realize they're just doing a certain behavior. Let's say that they're bouncing their leg or they're popping their gum. Okay? They are not annoying. That behavior is not annoying. I want you to realize they are just doing a behavior, and the behavior is neutral, right? They're just bouncing their leg, right? They are just popping their gum. I don't know what it is for you that gets you goin', but their behavior is not annoying. What creates your feeling of annoyance is the thought that they are annoying. "They're doing it wrong." "Why don't they listen to me?" "They're so embarrassing." "What is wrong with them?" Just saying that list that I just said, what kind of feeling does that create for you? When you integrate those maybe you feel annoyed or irritated. Maybe you feel dismissive or angsty or uncomfortable, right? 

08:33 

And when we feel those feelings, our feelings drive our actions. Okay? So what behaviors come from these types of feelings? Maybe you stop listening. Maybe you turn away, both physically and emotionally. Maybe you disengage physically and mentally. Maybe you probably start to assume worse intent. "They're doin' that to bug me. They're just doing that on purpose." Maybe we just don't even think about them at all. Maybe we just completely dismiss them. We don't prioritize them in our lives. We don't care about their opinions. All of these are very unloving behaviors. 

09:13 

And to our primitive brain, it all makes so much sense that we would respond this way, and it's easy to see them as the logical reason why we feel and behave the way that we behave. But of course it makes sense to our primitive brain, because it takes away our responsibility to blame other people, and our primitive brain is all about not taking responsibility. But we have to take responsibility for us, for our responses and our reactions if we want to create change, if we want to stop being annoyed and angry and behaving in unloving ways. 

09:55 

Now, maybe you don't want to stop doing those things. Okay. Then this isn't the podcast for you. But if you want to feel more love toward other people, if you want to connect more with people and have stronger and better relationships, it is vital that you start taking responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors. And all of these, the feelings and the behaviors, start with our thoughts. 

10:26 

So some of your spouse's most irritating current behaviors you actually used to love when you first met them. The jokes that used to make you laugh, now, ugh, they... It's like nails on a chalkboard, right? The service mindset that used to bring your admiration and your awe now frustrates the heck out of you when they're gone on a Saturday morning helping somebody else. Their drive to succeed at work used to just amaze you, and now you get super frustrated when they're distracted at work or have a project that needs to be finished. Their ability to let go of the stress and relax and have fun, you used to adore that and loved that it would pull you into a more carefree lifestyle, and now you just get so annoyed that they don't wanna pick up and do all the work, and they just want to go do something fun all the time. Them wanting to touch you and be physically intimate, you used to crave that when you were dating, and now you would be happy if they never touched you again. 

11:44 

Oftentimes, their behavior has not changed, but rather your thoughts about their behavior has changed, and so your feelings have changed. You've gone from feeling connected and loving and appreciative of all those things to now feeling annoyed and angry and frustrated with all of those things. If we want to feel better about our spouse and feel more love for them, we have to address our thoughts. 

12:15 

So if you're in this camp of having a difficult time loving your spouse, I want you to ask yourself, what are your overarching thoughts? Are they positive or negative toward your spouse? If you tracked all of your thoughts all day, which of those lists would be longer: positive thoughts or negative thoughts about your spouse? 'Cause I'm gonna tell you something, and I know this won't be a shocker, but here we go. You cannot create a positive feeling with a negative thought. I cannot think, "He is so annoying," and feel love. It's not gonna happen. "They're so annoying" will never create feelings of closeness and connection and love and intimacy. Neither will these kinds of thoughts: "Why do they keep doing that?" "Nobody thinks that's funny." "Oh, they're so embarrassing." "I can't believe they behave that way". "Who raised them? Who taught them how to act that way?" 

13:19 

Okay, now I'm not saying you have to love everything your spouse does, but offering them grace for being a human is an amazing place to start. Of course your spouse is human, just like you are, my friend. Everything you do is not all roses and peaches and rainbows and unicorns. All of us, all humans, have faults and weaknesses and shortcomings. And they all have the ability to annoy someone if someone wants to be annoyed by them. But just as you used to think your spouse's jokes were funny and entertaining and they drew you to them and now they don't, this is what we're talking about, right? You get to choose to give them grace for being a human. Of course they're not gonna do everything right. Of course they're gonna do things that are socially unacceptable. Every human in the world does, you included, my friend. You also do things that are socially unacceptable depending on the group you're hanging out with. 

14:32 

So learning to offer grace for somebody being a human is the best place to start, and this is choosing to see the upside of how they show up rather than the downside. This is choosing to assume best intent rather than worst intent of them. This is working to see things from their point of view rather than just locking in on your own. And this is asking questions to understand them and what they're thinking and how they're engaging rather than just to berate them for how they're doing it wrong. 

15:09 

Assuming worst intent of our spouse creates contempt, and contempt destroys marriages every single time. John Gottman's research shows that contempt is one of the biggest things that will drive a wedge in marriages. It drives us farther apart. Whereas assuming best intent does the opposite. It brings us together. It creates connection. When we can see and accept other people at their best, we create a space for their humanity. Most things that people do can be seen from either side. We can look at behavior that our spouse engages in and think, oh, that's so annoying, or we can look at that and go, oh my gosh, they're just silly. They're funny. I just enjoy this person, right? 

16:06 

For example, let me give you, like, a silly example. Cleaning up after dinner. Thinking best intent. If you finish dinner and your spouse is like, "Hey, listen, go sit down. I'm gonna take care of cleaning up dinner", you might think, oh my gosh, he is so kind and thoughtful. I'm so grateful for him. He's such a great partner. He's so willing to help out. And some of you are thinking, well, that would never happen that he would do that, and so of course I would think that. 

16:33 

But here's some thoughts that I've had from clients. They assumed worse intent of their spouse. Here's the kinds of stuff that they think. Oh, my gosh, he's just trying to prove how needy I am. He's just trying to show me how he can do it better than me. He just is proving to me how I'm not good enough. I'm not doing it good enough. No joke, okay? This is the kind of patterns of behavior we get into, and when we manage our thoughts first, our behaviors will follow. Thoughts create feelings. Feelings drive behaviors, okay? 

17:12 

So we have to get in the habit of assuming best intent, of offering grace, of accepting our partners', our spouses', individuality, appreciating their humanity. Okay? When some of us are seriously out of practice at being loving or treating our spouse with love because we have thought so many bad thoughts about them over the years. We have been dismissive and unkind for so long that we don't even see how, how hurtful that behavior is anymore. We don't even realize we're doing it, and when we think about doing something kind for our spouse, it feels awkward and unnatural and even embarrassing. 

18:02 

And guess what? That's okay. Of course it does. That's just an indication of how out of practice you are. It's not an indication that you're a bad person. It just means that you're outta practice, right? It means that it's uncomfortable because you're not used to doing it. So I'm gonna share some ideas to help you get back into practice, and I'm gonna tell you, it will feel strange and inauthentic at first for some of you, even with the best in- intent thoughts But I want you to do it anyway. 

18:35 

I want you to manage your thoughts and show up. What makes these kinds of things that we're gonna talk about uncomfortable is just your ego. It's that part of your brain that can be arrogant, that can be conceited or think that you're better than other people, like your spouse. 

18:53 

Gosh, I lived in this space when I was in my previous marriage. It's your ego that puts you in a one-up space. It makes you feel self-conscious or uncomfortable about showing kindness or love when you don't usually show it. It's the pride that makes it hard to say "I love you" or to admit that you are wrong and they are right. I'm gonna tell you, your ego is not your friend. It causes you to treat others with disdain, to dismiss their value as a human, and to ignore their wants and their needs. But it also causes you to hold back, to avoid sharing, to be fearful of other peoples judgment. 

19:37 

And we do this in our marriages. We're afraid of how our spouse is going to judge us if all of a sudden we start treating them well. We're afraid to be vulnerable in case they might judge us, right? But I wanna tell you something. Your ego is just a thought. It's thoughts that want to put others in a one down place to see yourself as more important and more right than them or thoughts that fear being judged and misunderstood. 

20:07 

Both are thoughts that are damaging your most important relationships. So check your ego. Remind yourself that everyone is equal. Everyone's value is the same regardless of who they are or how they are showing up in life. Doesn't matter what they're doing or what they're saying. Their value is the same as everyone else's. So get your thoughts in check. Get your ego in check, and get back into your own lane and stop judging your spouse as not deserving of your love. 

20:40 

Because we choose to be loving people, and we choose to love our spouse not because they deserve it, because nobody deserves anything in this life, but we choose to love because that's the kind of person we want to be. I told you this story before, but when I taught eighth grade inevitably when we had a substitute, I would come back and I would always have to come down on one or two of my classes for being so horrible to the substitute. I don't know what it is about middle school and thinking that substitutes are there to abuse, but that's how it was. 

21:20 

And I would come, and they would always say, "Well, they didn't deserve our respect. They said this," or, "They did this, and they didn't deserve our respect." And I would just call them out, and I would say, "Listen, nobody deserves anything." And we don't treat people with respect because they deserve it. We treat people with respect because we are respectful people, because that is who we are. And it's the same with love. We don't give love only when somebody quote unquote "deserves it". We give love because that is the kind of person that we are. 

21:58 

Okay, so here are the ideas about how to behave once you get your thoughts back in check. So remember that word considerate that we learned as children? This is what we're gonna talk about today. Let's be considerate of our spouse. Let's consider them and their wants and their needs and what might make it easier for them to feel loved from you. 

22:25 

So if you remember, I'm always talking about how we create our own thoughts. Nobody gets to tell me what to think, and I can't make anybody feel anything. I can't make anybody feel angry or upset or feel love or kindness. I can't do that. Those are all created from their own thoughts. But here's what I can impact for other people. I put actions in their circumstance line, and then they get to think what they want to about circumstances. Remember earlier we talked about the spouse doing the dishes? Spouse doing dishes is a neutral circumstance. It's just something that happens. Then we think a thought about it, and the thought creates the emotion, and then the emotion drives the action. Okay? 

23:17 

So what actions are you putting in your spouse's circumstance line? And do those thoughts make it easier or harder for them to think loving thoughts? How easy are you making it for them to think, "Wow, she loves me", or, "She cares about me", or, "Gosh, I matter to her"? Is it easy for them to think that? This is what our, what our actions do. So we're going to manage our thoughts. We're going to create more compassionate, loving, kind feelings, and then we're going to be more considerate. 

24:04 

So here's a list of things you can do. When was the last time you were getting up to go get yourself a drink of water and you either asked your spouse, "Hey, can I get you a drink while I'm up?" Or you just brought them back one and said, "Hey, I got this for you"? When was the last time you brought them back a cookie rather than just getting your own cookie and going sitting down by them and, and, and eating it without any thought for them? When was the last time you brought them one? When was the last time you offered to share your snack? When was the last time that you checked in with them before making plans? When was the last time that you have taken care of something for them because you knew that they had had a long or a hard day? Maybe you cooked a favorite dinner or maybe even ordered out their favorite dinner. Maybe you washed and vacuumed out their car just because you wanted to do something kind. When was the last time you ironed shirts that have been waiting in the laundry for weeks? Listen, we have to learn to be considerate. 

25:19 

Let me, let me give you a real-life situation. Now, this is gonna sound a little bit dramatic. Earlier this week, Sione got was riding his bicycle and coming down a hill at about 24 miles an hour, and a big truck turned in front of him and he smashed into the truck. And it was never touch and go, it was never that serious, but it was a big deal, and it could have been incredibly serious. Luckily, he didn't break anything, no internal damage. He just has some really severe bruises. His ribs, his legs, his arms, right? 

25:54 

But that night, you know, he'd been taking it easy all day, and I was just like, "What does he need?" And I was like, "You know what? This guy, he loves corn dogs and tater tots." Not my favorite. I'm kind of a food snob. But I was like, listen, this is what he loves. He probably would love some comfort food right now. So for dinner, I was like, "Nope, you just sit here, I'm gonna make you dinner." And I, I had gone to the store earlier that day, and for dinner we had corn dogs and tater tots. I don't think we've ever done that in the entire four and a half years that we've been married, right? It's not really my thing. But it's just this place where I'm like, "Listen, what would he love? He would love a corn dog and some tater tots." So that's what we had. It's a small, very small, simple way to say, «I see you. I love you. I care about you.» 

26:51 

Okay, let's continue on with the list. When was the last time you gave an unsolicited shoulder rub just because you knew that they were stressed and they were a little uptight? When was the last time you asked for their opinion? When was the last time that you willingly gave them the last piece of something that you both love and that you wanted also? And you didn't give it from a place of duty or a place of I have to do this or he's going to be angry, or a place of, "this is my job as a wife."But you were just like, oh my gosh, I know we both love this and I love him so much, I want him to have this. 

27:36 

When was the last time you picked them up their favorite treat while you were at the store? And I'm gonna add a caveat to all of these, and not expected anything in return. You just did it because you wanted to be loving. Remember that, that podcast, Clean Love? Go back and listen to that one if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's in the show notes, okay? Go check it out, right? When was the last time that you brought a jacket to the theater or to the restaurant because you  know that they get cold? Or when was the last time that you said, "I'll go out to the car and get your jacket," because you knew they'd be cold. 

28:17 

My sweet husband is so good at that kinda stuff. And I'll say, "I can do it," and he'll say, "I know you can. This has nothing to do with knowing that you can do it or that you're capable. I just wanna do it for you." Like what does that do for my heart? Like it just melts me every single time. He does that with so many things, right? He gets the door for me every single time we go out to the car. And we get outta the car, he's like, "No, you wait there." And I'm like, "Do you want me to wait?" He's like, "Yes." Like he always gets the door for me. And I'm like, "You know I can get my own door," and he's like, "I know. I just like doing this." Right? 

28:58 

When was the last time that you waited to watch a show because you know that they wanna watch it also? Or maybe it's a show you've been watching together and you're super anxious to find out how it ends. When was the last time that you waited for them patiently when they were running late with no jabs or pokes or passive aggressive comments? And they when they come up and say, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I'm late", you say, "It's okay, we're all late sometimes"? You offer them so much grace, can you even imagine? 

29:31 

When was the last time that you noticed that they needed more deodorant or toothpaste and so you picked it up at the store without being asked? For my sweet husband it would be Diet Dr. Pepper, you know? When was the last time you shared information with them so they could be prepared rather than using their lack of knowledge to embarrass them or put them on the spot? Does that one hurt a little bit? I know when I came up with that example, I was like, ugh, that hurts, 'cause I used to do that in my previous marriage a lot. 

30:05 

When was the last time that you made sure that you were aware of their time schedule so that you didn't make them late? When was the last time you offered to watch a show with them that you may not be super interested in, but you know that they want to see? When was the last time you filled up their gas tank when you noticed it was low? What about reaching over to hold their hand while you're sitting by each other or going for a walk or sitting in the car together? When was the last time you intentionally chose to sit by them rather than with others, like kids, in between you? When was the last time you put your phone down and engaged in a meaningful conversation rather than scrolling on unmeaningful social media? 

30:57 

When was the last time you sent them a loving message, text message or of a silly or a sexual innuendo meme during the day? When was the last time you expressed gratitude for them choosing you? Expressing gratitude for the things that they do for you. When was the last time you offered to help them with a project that they're doing or run an errand with them just so that you can spend time together? When was the last time you offered to run to the store to pick something up for them when you know that their time schedule is tight? When was the last time you invited them to join you in doing something that you know that they'll enjoy? 

31:43 

That's a pretty good list, right? Not all-inclusive, just gonna say that, but notice the consideration. Think about how considerate you choose to be with your friends. You show up on time. You express gratitude. You say kind things. You acknowledge how they look. You acknowledge amazing things that they're doing in their life. Think about how you extend yourself to be kind and to do kind things for them. And this is what we get to remember to do with our spouse. We get to consider them. We get to consider what do they want, what would they like, what don't they want, and what don't they like. 

32:31 

Now I'm gonna say this: It does mean that if you're choosing to be in a relationship with this person, that consideration is an important part of having a good relationship. You still get to want what you want, but not at their expense. And they get to want what they want, but again, not at your expense. This is what being in the relationship circle means. That we consider the other person. That we create within that circle a completely different system. You and your circle get to be however you want, and they and their circle get to be however they want. 

33:23 

But if you choose to step into a relationship together, there has to be consideration. There has to be teamwork. There has to  be listening and understanding and creating a space for two of those people to be that feels amazing for both because consideration is an incredibly important part of having a great relationship. Relationships require effort. They require consideration, and they require these things from a place of love rather than a place of fear or contempt. So if you're making considerations from a place of thinking that they will be mad or I'm gonna do this out of duty or proving yourself that you're better than them, we have to go back to the thinking part and clean all that crap up. 

34:17 

We want to be acting with consideration because it's the kind of person we want to be. We don't act that way in an effort to manage their actions or their feelings. Walking on eggshells. That doesn't work. That's just manipulative. We act from a place of love which starts with having loving thoughts, assuming best intent, and wanting good things for them. We desire to create a beautiful life for our spouse. 

34:52 

Tell you what, I want Sione to feel loved more than he's ever felt loved before. I want him to have no doubt that I love him more than anybody else in his life ever has. I want him to be blown away every single day that he gets to be in relationship with me. And not for any reason, but because I love him and I want the absolute best for him and I want him to have an amazing life. I want him to just go, "My life is perfect," and I'm part of that. I'll tell you what, I'm not perfect at showing up this way. I'm not the perfect spouse by any means, but I am doing a pretty darn good job and it's just because I choose to consider. 

35:39 

I will tell you, I did not do this very well in my previous marriage. One reason why it was such a train wreck. This marriage, I prioritize considering Sione, and he prioritizes considering me, and it makes a huge difference. This to me is part of what it means to grow up emotionally. To become more emotionally mature is to choose to act intentionally in loving and kind ways to the people that matter the most to me. You could do this, my friend. If you wanna do this and it feels overwhelming, good heavens, let's get some coaching done. Okay? Get on my calendar, tanyahale.com. Go to the Group Coaching tab and let's get you into some one-on-one coaching. I promise you, these 12 weeks of coaching that I offer you, you will see the world differently. You will understand why you hesitate being more considerate, being more loving. I promise you, it is the most amazing work. 

36:54 

This work has changed how I view the world 100%. Okay. So check that out at tanyahale.com. My friends, love you. Thank you for being here. Let's get some work done. Let's create these lives that we just can't wait to live rather than lives that we dread. Have an awesome, awesome week. Hope to see you on my calendar and I'll see you next time. Bye. 

37:26 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "Weekend Win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.