00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 421, "Greatest Hits, Boundaries Part 3." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Alright, here we are. Part three of boundaries. I hope you've been enjoying these so far. I remember when I first started learning about boundaries, I was floored. And so when I first started my coaching business, so much of what I did was around boundaries. And I still use boundaries a lot, but I've branched out obviously a lot since then as well. But boundaries were so foundational for me in figuring out how to really start doing this work and showing up the kind of person that I wanted to be and understanding the complexities of relationships in ways that I never had before. So I hope that this has been really helpful for you and it's helped to fill in some missing pieces for you also, as just as they filled in missing pieces for me. 

01:11 

So before we jump in to the replay of today's podcast, I want to remind you that next talk with Tanya is August 11th. You can sign up for that on my website, tanyahale.com. Go to the group coaching tab. This is just a free webinar where you can come, you can get coaching, you can just listen to other people get coached, which is always brilliant. You can ask questions. I'm a pretty open book about my previous marriage, my divorce, my years in between, my remarriage to Sione. And I just feel like all of this information is really, really helpful, the things that I have been able to figure out through doing this work and the life that I am creating and living now because of this incredible work that I've done. So I love having these opportunities just to ask their questions and talk with you and coach. And so go ahead and get signed up for that. You will get an email that will have all the information on it that you need for how to come. 

02:09 

So another thing, please make sure you check the footnotes of the podcast to find more podcasts that have to do with this topic. And with that, I'm going to jump in and send you on to the replay. I hope you all have a really amazing week and I'll see you next time. Bye. 

02:29 

Well, hello there, my fabulous friends. Isn't today a great day? I just really love today. Today's been really great and I'm super excited to get to talk to you about how to set boundaries today. I just think boundaries are so important. So we're going to start today with just some really, really basics. I know that there's some of you out there who boundaries is a totally new thing for you. I was at that spot about five years ago and I was like, boundaries, I don't even know what that is. So to start at the very, very beginning. For some of you, this may be a little bit basic, but there's still good stuff here to learn. 

02:58 

So first of all, I want to reiterate that boundaries are representative of how much or how little we respect ourselves. If we have no boundaries, that means really that we have little to no self-respect. Okay, boundaries are our friends. Alright, they help us to be stronger, better people. We have greater respect for ourselves when we set good boundaries and other people have greater respect for us when we set good boundaries. And boundaries allow us to be more connected and to have more intimate relationships with the people that we love. So this is why we're doing this whole boundary thing, because we want better lives, right? We want better relationships. And having those good relationships brings a depth and more meaning to our life. And so this is where we're headed with these boundaries. 

03:58 

So let's go ahead. I've got nine steps for us today. Step number one then, let's just jump right in. We first of all need to get to know ourselves. We need to understand what our values and our priorities are. We need to be clear on the things that matter to us most. We need to be very clear on what we love and what we don't love, what our strengths and what our  weaknesses are. We need to really understand why do I value what I value? This is going to be instrumental in helping us know why certain boundaries need to be set for us. The more we understand who we are, the more we'll understand why certain things rub us the wrong way or make us feel inadequate or pushed around or make us feel resentment. And so we need to make sure that we're also considering physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, mental boundaries, and spiritual boundaries. The limits that we have. Why are those things important to us? And how do we make sure that we're clear on those things? 

05:07 

Another thing that we need to do to get to know ourselves is we need to be really clear on our yeses. And that's part of, as I understand my priorities, I know the things that I want to say yes to. And I also know the things that I want to say no to. And the more clear I am on understanding the things that are most important to me, the more clear I can be on my boundaries and the more confident I can be in setting those boundaries, which is really important. 

05:31 

So another thing that we need to understand at this point as we're getting to know ourselves in step one is we need to remember that boundaries are about me. They're not about somebody else. They're not about a relationship. It is about protecting and nurturing me so that I can be in a healthy place of self-respect and a place where I can feel proud of who I am and the direction that I'm going. So the first thing, spend some time getting to know yourself. Take an afternoon or a couple of hours and just find a quiet place and spend some time thinking about what matters to you most and why and figure out the answer to some of those questions. 

06:12 

Step two is going to be reflective as well. For step two, I want you to go back and identify situations where you feel that boundaries are crossed. All right, and that's a good way to do that is to go back and say, what are people or situations that I feel resentment or anger toward? Are there people or situations where I feel inadequate or where I feel pushed around? Those are really good for us to look back as a case study and say, okay, so this situation I felt really inadequate. How come? What was I thinking? What was going on? What was said to me? And as we can start to figure out what boundaries were being crossed, then we can kind of touch back to step number one and we can see what value was not being respected there. What boundary did I feel was being crossed? What things that are important to me were being neglected by the other person. 

07:04 

And one thing I want to remind you here is, you know what? Listen to your gut. Just because things don't necessarily make sense in our head doesn't mean that our spirit doesn't get it. So don't be afraid to explore something more just because you don't understand it. That's all the more reason to go back and think, well, this situation just felt wrong to me. And go back and figure it out. Sit down and write out all the things that you remember and start to figure out. 

07:32 

So the more clearly we can identify situations where we feel that our boundaries have been crossed, the more we can start to see patterns in our behavior, patterns in how other people may treat us, maybe only one person. I mean, I know that in my life, there were some situations where I had very, very strong boundaries, such as in my classroom at school, and other areas where I did not have good boundaries at all. And so being aware of those situations and seeing, are there specific people who trigger this in me, this fear, this anxiety, this resentment, this anger? Or are there specific situations where I feel inadequate or pushed around? Alright, so the more that we clear we can be on identifying those situations, then we can start looking toward what's going to be happening in the future and how I'm going to move forward on this. 

08:20 

So step three then naturally takes us into making a plan and practicing how to respond. Now if you're someone for whom boundaries are new, this is an important step. And some of you may already be pretty good at boundaries in some ways. And this step may not be huge for you, but it still is really good to take a look at. So, you know, that whole adage, you know, you make your decision before the situation happens. And so if we've gone, if we've done step two and identified patterns with certain people and certain situations, then we can start making a plan and we can say, "okay, well, I know that I'm meeting with this person for lunch or for whatever. And generally, they tend to cross a boundary in this particular way." And so we can start to say, "okay, well, what am I comfortable with? What is okay and what's not okay? And what consequences may be necessary for that?" 

09:08 

So for example, if a child or a spouse is consistently yelling at you and that is a boundary that you don't want crossed, that you don't want that to happen anymore, we need to be aware that that's a situation that I want to stop, right? And then the consequences would be figuring out what would I do. So I could decide that, you know what, if they continue to yell at me, then I will tell them that I'm going to leave the house and or I'm going to spend the night at my mom's house or I'm going to take the kids and we're going to leave and come back tomorrow night or something like that. But making that decision beforehand. So when this situation occurs again, what do I do? How do I say what's okay and what's not okay? And what consequences are going to be necessary? And which ones am I willing to act on? Alright, so in this process, it's really important that we find a way to respond that feels comfortable to us, yet still establishes boundaries. And for some people, that's going to come really easy. 

10:13 

And for other people, that's going to be really hard to figure that out. But write down a bunch of responses that you could make and practice saying them out loud and see which ones feel comfortable to me. Which ones do I feel like I can say and be good about it? And which ones do I feel uncomfortable with? 

10:32 

Alright. Another thing that we need to look at in this plan is we need to get comfortable with saying no. We need to realize that every no that I give somebody is a yes somewhere else in my life. And if I know what my yeses are, then I can be more empowered by saying no because I know that that frees up time and space and emotional and physical energy for me to work toward my yeses. But I need to realize as well, the opposite of that is true. For every yes that I say, it's saying no to something else that may be more important to me. 

11:10 

So if a boundary is being crossed and it doesn't fit in with your values and your yeses, we have to get comfortable saying no. And when we say no, we do not have to give excuses or explanations. We can just say, nope, that doesn't work out for me, but thank you for asking. We don't have to tell people what's going on. If we just want to say no, we can say no. And that's perfectly fine. 

11:36 

One thing to remember here as we make this plan and as we practice how to respond is to remember that this is not about changing other people. It's about respecting ourselves and respecting our needs. And as I respect myself and my needs, I'm not trying to change other people's behavior as much as I'm trying to respect myself. So if we go back to the example of a spouse yelling at you, when I say, "please stop yelling at me," it's respecting myself and respecting the fact that I don't deserve to be yelled at. And it's not so much about telling them what they have to do. It's saying what I will accept and what I won't accept. 

12:18 

So remember the big point here, though this is scary to start to practice if you've never done it before and it can be really intimidating. Remember that what we're doing here is saving and improving relationships. This is really what it comes down to. We're not trying to be ornery. We're not trying to be mean. We're trying to protect the things that are most important to us, which is our self-respect and the relationships of the people that we're involved with. 

12:43 

And if we find this scary and intimidating, welcome to the club. I think there's a lot of us out there that feel this way. But as we practice and practice and practice this on our own and get comfortable with those words and get comfortable with the idea that I can set a boundary and I can say this behavior is not okay or whatever the boundary may be, I'm going to be more comfortable. So when I get in the actual situation, it's going to feel more comfortable to me and it's going to fall off my tongue a lot easier. 

13:16 

Alright, step number four. This is where we actually then have to start speaking up. We've done a lot of groundwork and now we just have to tell people. This is the deal. People don't know what they don't know. It is amazing to me how often I will think that people should just understand this because it makes sense to me. Or they should tell by the tone of my voice or the look on my face that that's not okay. But people don't get that a lot of times. They don't know what they don't know. So it is really important that we start telling people when they've crossed a boundary. 

13:50 

So some things we can do. One: identify the facts. Let's try and stay away from emotional opinions, right? We need to politely ask them to treat us in a way that we would like to be treated. And then we need to use specific language, no generalities. Be very specific. Be very clear and direct about your boundaries. So we could say not being clear and direct would be saying, "don't talk to me that way." Instead, we would want to say something like, "please don't raise your voice to me. Please don't call me derogatory names. Please stop interrupting me." And those are way more specific. We want to be clear and direct because just saying, "please don't talk to me that way," there's a lot of stuff going on that could be going on in there. And so the more direct and specific we are, the less chance there is for miscommunication. 

14:49 

And again, we talked about this last step. No excuses or explanations. This is not up for debate. If it is a boundary, if it's something that we feel strongly about, we do not have to explain. As soon as we start giving excuses or explaining, all of a sudden, depending on the person, that situation can be up for debate and they can say, "well, but what about this? Or what about this?" No. Just say, "please stop raising your voice toward me." 

15:20 

Alright. So let's go on to step number five. If we're faced with resistance, we can repeat our statement or request. Now, first of all, I want to say that most people's first reactions are to become defensive or start to blame. 

15:35 

That's a natural human response. So if you set a boundary with somebody, realize that very often, especially if you're new to setting boundaries with this person, very often their first reaction is to get defensive and start to blame. And don't freak out about that. This doesn't mean that they're horrible people. It means that they're human people. It just means that that natural inclination that most of us have is working well, right? But if they become defensive or start to blame, we can be patient and we can repeat our statement or our request with a calm but an authoritative voice. And then we need to, if they question, we can just say, "you know what, my priorities have changed." Again, we don't have to give excuses or explanations. We can just say, I've decided that this is important to me and leave it at that. All right? 

16:31 

So step number six, be prepared to establish and carry out consequences. And we talked about this in step number two. But the first thing we need to do here is we need to let our behavior and not our words speak for us. Once we establish that first boundary by saying, "I don't like this, I don't want this, this is not appropriate, please do not do this," we have to realize that some people are going to push, especially those people for whom this creates a change in the relationship. Because here's the real truth about this. The only people who will get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who are benefiting from you having no boundaries. Can I just say that again? This is so important to understand. The only people who will get upset about you setting boundaries are the people who were benefiting from you not having boundaries. 

17:32 

Alright, and the more unhealthy the person, the more they're going to be pushing and pushing because you are making their world uncomfortable. They have gotten used to a status quo of how you interact, what they can do, what they can get from you. And when you start setting boundaries, it can be uncomfortable because you're changing the rules of the relationship. And other people are not always super happy about that. But that's okay. Because this is not about them. This is about me and my self-respect. It's about getting myself in a good place where I can respect myself and be stronger and in a better place emotionally. 

18:16 

So since I can't change other people, what I can do is I can change how I deal with them. And that has to do with setting boundaries and establishing the consequences, right? And sticking to those consequences. Because if I don't stick to those consequences, then they know that they can still push those boundaries. It's in setting the consequences that I can change how I deal with them since I can't change people, right? 

18:41 

I love that in the book Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud says, "they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work." And, you know, the basic concept that it's just like a toddler, right? When we're working with a toddler and we want to teach them something, we just have to be very, very consistent with our responses. You know, if every time they throw a temper tantrum, we get up and walk in the other room, eventually they're going to stop throwing temper tantrums because  they're going to realize that that's not getting what they want. But if we continue to give, if we leave sometimes and stay sometimes, they understand very clearly, even in their toddler brain, that sometimes she's still going to stay and sometimes I'm still going to get what I want and I'm going to be given a piece of candy to help me be quiet, right? I'm going to get what I want. 

19:29 

Adults are no different. We have this innate sense of how to push and get what we want. And emotionally healthy people have very often learned how to curb that, right? And how to do that give and take. A lot of times some people have not. But again, people are going to push, especially those for whom this setting of boundaries creates a change in the relationship. Alright, so be prepared to establish and carry out the consequences. 

20:02 

Step number seven, find a support system. Discuss boundaries with other people who are already good at boundaries or who are already also working on boundaries and figure it out together. I know for me when I was first like really exploring this and figuring it out, I talked with the ladies that I exercise with in the morning about it in depth. We spent so much more time talking about it and figuring it out and talking about specific situations. And it became so much more clear for me as I discussed it with them. And I could say, "you know what, this situation, I feel like a boundary was crossed. And how should I deal with this? And what should I have done? And what could I do in the future?" And so we walked through that whole process in having a support system. Find someone who can help you to discuss and talk about it and help you figure out what's appropriate and what's not appropriate and what works. 

20:55 

Step number eight, if this is super big and daunting for you, start small. You know what? Setting boundaries takes practice, especially if this is all new to you. This is not something that just comes easy. So if it's really big for you, start small, okay? And I would suggest two things. One, start with your healthier relationships because you'll get a more favorable response and you'll get less pushback. That will help you learn how to do this easier. It will help you through the process of realizing that, oh, I can set a boundary and they're not upset at me. I can set a boundary and they said, oh, sure, I didn't know that that was important to you, right? 

21:36 

And also start with smaller boundaries. That would be my second suggestion here. Start with small things and gain confidence in the fact that you can set these boundaries and things are going to be okay. So the two steps there are start with healthier relationships and also start with smaller boundaries. 

21:55 

And then the last step, number nine, is just don't be too hard on yourself. Remember that setting boundaries is a skill. It takes courage. It takes practice. It takes support. Don't beat yourself up if you're struggling with it. And don't beat yourself up if your first couple of attempts to set boundaries don't go really well. Just keep trying. It is a skill. It's not a talent. And it's not something we're born with. Just like playing the piano or playing a sport or anything else that we do in life, you get better at it the more we practice and keep trying and just don't give up. And eventually, you will start to make some headway in setting boundaries. So you start small, you start with healthy relationships, and eventually you can work up to more difficult stuff, especially if you have some really toxic relationships in your life. 

22:47 

So this is the last thing that I just want you to know. Boundaries, coming back to the beginning, boundaries will build your self-respect. And if you feel you're lacking in self-respect, take a look at your boundaries and I bet you'll see some area for improvement. And a greater self-respect will make every area of your life better. No doubt. Boundaries are just so important. I'm so glad that you worked through this boundary process with me in the last three episodes. 

23:15 

So this is the deal. If you feel it's time to step up your boundary game and to start diving deep into learning how to be more effective and confident in setting boundaries, you can contact me at tanyahale.com. You can book a free 20 minute coaching session to get you started. I would love to help you have more connected, intimate relationships with those people who are most important to you. Boundaries are such a vital part of our emotional health for us and our relationships with other people. So let's make some headway here. If this is something you struggle with, let's get moving on it and help you get to a better, happier place. 

23:55 

So a few things at the end. If you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please do a few things for me. One, subscribe. Subscribe to my podcast. And two, if you will leave a review for me, that would be really, really fabulous. That will help me to move forward with this and to share this value with other people. And number three, again, if you feel like it's adding value, I 

would love for you to share it with other people who you feel would benefit from this information. Just so much good stuff going on here, and I just want to share it with as many people as possible because I know how important it is for us to have healthy, good emotional lives. So that'll do it for today. I hope you have a terrific week and I'll talk to you next time. Bye. 

24:44 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekly motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com and learn more about web coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.