00:00 

Hey there! Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 415, "Curiosity is the Cure for What Ails You." Welcome to your place of finding greater happiness and intentional growth, because we don't just welcome to the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Well, hello there. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here. As always, happy to have some content to share with you, some things that I've been thinking about and processing and pieces that I've been putting together in my own life, as well as then having the opportunity to share with you my growth journey and what's happening for me in the world. 

00:44 

So I just, before we jump in today, I want to remind you that my next Talk with Tanya is July 14th. It's always the second Tuesday of the month. It is at 2 o'clock Eastern. So that's 12 o'clock mountain, 11 o'clock Pacific. And for me in Hawaii, it's 8 a.m., which is great. So loving our journey here in Hawaii. Just to let you know, we are starting to get unpacked and it's starting to feel a little bit more like a normal life here, which is kind of great. 

01:19 

So one thing I want to remind you of as well is if you like this content and if you're like, I want to understand a little bit more about this, I want to increase my knowledge base and my understanding base of this topic and how it fits, I have handpicked, I don't know, 10 or so podcasts and I have put them in the show notes. So wherever you listen to your podcast, you can just scroll down, pull the particular podcast up and scroll down. And in those notes, there will be the links, an Apple link and a Spotify link and a website link to about 10 more podcasts that you can listen to that will help to engage you more in this topic of conversation. So I would love to have you start checking those out on a more regular basis. The more we learn and understand and the more we seek to start implementing these tools, the better our lives get and the more content we feel and the greater our sense of self because we see ourselves moving in directions that are amazing. 

02:26 

And this is what I want for you. I want for you to be on a journey of self-development, of a greater sense of self, of creating relationships that are just going to be amazing and mind-blowing to you. And it's what we're after. And that's what I want you to move towards. And this is part of it is understanding these concepts. 

02:50 

So going to start today. Our topic today is curiosity is the cure for what ails you. So what we're going to be talking about today is...let's start off with this idea that we all have a tendency to judge. It is part of our primitive brain protective mechanism. It is our brain figuring out who is safe and what is safe and what isn't because safety is paramount for our primitive brain. Our primitive brain is always scanning our situation. Probably multiple times a minute. It's saying, "am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe?" It is always scanning. It's scanning physically. It's scanning emotionally. It is just checking. And anything that our brain perceives, it doesn't mean that it is, but anything that our brain perceives as unsafe will trigger it into protective mode. 

03:46 

And putting ourselves in a one-up place seems protective to our brain. It feels safe. So our brain will often move into a one up place if it senses that it may not be entirely safe. This one-up space gives us a leg up. It gives us some security in our own superiority. And our job is to realize that this is all pretend safety. Being one-up does not make us safe. It just initially feels like it will. It makes us believe that we are smarter, that we're more capable, that we're more successful, that we're more beautiful, et cetera, et cetera, whatever. Primitive brain really likes to be in this one-up place for these reasons. And if we really are smarter, more capable, and more successful, then our brain makes it seem to reason that we will be safer from danger. It's that whole, "I don't have to be faster than the lion. I just need to be faster than you" concept. 

04:57 

And this is kind of where our brain goes when it's judging. Am I faster? You know, can I get away from the lion faster? Can I run faster than this person? Okay. But real life with emotionally mature relationships does not work this way and cannot work in this place of judgment. As humans, we are wired for connection. And one-up judging destroys connection. Let's put it in a thought model just so that you can kind of see how that works. 

05:31 

So let's say the circumstance is someone gives a talk at church. And if your thought, let me give you a couple of them. If your thought is, "oh my gosh, they're just rambling," or, "ooh, they should have prepared better," or, "gosh, they're not doing it right. They're not telling enough stories. They're not doing..." whatever. Then what is the feeling that we get when we have those kinds of thoughts? We feel superior. At least I would feel superior. I would put that there. And then from that feeling of superior, what actions does that drive? It will drive talking down to them, maybe gossiping or speaking badly about them to others. I might avoid them. I might start to judge myself as better than them in lots of different areas. 

06:20 

And what is the end result when I behave that way? The end result is that I destroy any possible connection, any possibility for connection. And then what happens is that I'm not doing relationships right. If relationships and people in our lives are about figuring out and learning how to create connection, then I'm not doing relationship right. And we cannot be emotionally connected to others and be in judgment at the same time because it automatically puts us in an unequal relationship. And equal relationships are the only places that we can be emotionally connected. 

07:04 

So if we want emotional connection and strong relationship, what is the opposite of judgment? How do we move into the opposite of that? I want to offer that it just might be curiosity. Curiosity has a tendency to level the playing field. It takes us out of being one-up and has us showing up as equals. And equals don't see themselves as better than or less than. Equals create a safe space for both people. And equals will understand that their viewpoint is just their viewpoint. It's not right or wrong. And someone who sees themself as an equal will seek to understand what is right rather than who is right. And it is a ripe space for curiosity. If we are genuinely interested in another person's point of view, we will seek to understand. 

08:05 

And we will do that by asking questions, by getting curious. And remember this, we don't ask questions wanting to use the information to back them into a corner or to prove our point or to manipulate them in some way. When we get curious, it's important that we really step into genuine understanding. Curiosity says, help me understand. Help me see what I don't yet see. What do you know that I don't know? What do you understand that I don't understand? Curiosity levels the playing field. It says, "what you know and understand is as valuable as what I know and understand." And when we can truly believe that every person has an idea, an opinion, a perspective that we can learn from, it helps us to step out of judgment. And double points for you if you ask questions and seek to understand their point of view. It is really hard to be genuinely curious and judgmental at the same time. 

09:18 

So the more we seek to truly believe that every person is of the same worth, the greater our capacity for grace, for understanding that every person has reasons for what they do. For example, the person at church who is rambling and didn't seem to prepare their talk at all. If you were to sit with them and truly understand how they are in that situation, in fact, understand at the true level, which even they may not fully understand, then we would feel compassion and grace toward them rather than judgment. 

09:59 

So what if this person just thinks that they're a lazy procrastinator, but really deep down, they struggle with undiagnosed ADHD and their thinking is all over the place and they have such a tough time gathering their thoughts in this type of a situation. Or maybe they had a traumatic bullying experience when they were young that now has them terrified of public speaking and just getting up there at the pulpit is one of the biggest wins of their life, regardless of how prepared they seem to be. The point is, we just have no idea what other people are going through and what has brought people to this point. What has happened to them to have them show up in this instance seemingly unprepared for a talk? 

10:52 

When we can step into curiosity, whether it is actually asking the person questions, or if it's just getting curious in our minds, then we take away the tendency to judge and we create compassion and grace instead. Understanding, acknowledging, and accepting every person's inherent worth helps us to stop judging as well. We become more Christlike, not only in our actions, but more importantly, in our thoughts. 

11:29 

Now, a companion to judgment is comparison. Judgment and comparison both put us in a one-up or a one-down position, where we move into superiority and inferiority. Now, comparison has a tendency to move us very quickly out of equality if we don't manage it well. Because we will judge ourselves to be less-than and them to be better-than. Or we may see ourselves as better-than and them to be less-than. Comparison has a tendency to move us into judgment of another person's worth or value. 

12:14 

And again, just like judging, of course you compare. Our brains are created to compare, to gauge our success, to gauge our standing in the tribe. Do we fit in? Are we suitable for the group? Are we accepted? Do we belong? All of these are questions that our primitive brain is always asking. And a struggling sense of self will cause us to compare and put ourselves in the one down. For example, they are better at me than, fill in the blank, therefore they are better than me. They are taller. They are stronger. They're more intelligent. They make more money. They're more organized. Whatever. They are better at this than me. Therefore, they are better than me. And the truth is, everyone in the world will be better at something than you. 

13:19 

And everyone will be less better at something than you. And we cannot compare our skills and our talents and our abilities because none of them are comparable. Sione is a great surgeon and I can struggle to get a sliver out of a finger. But I am a great coach, and Sione doesn't have my skill set of working with individuals or working with couples and helping them figure out where they want to go. But how can you even compare a surgeon and a coach? We both contribute to the world in amazing ways, but we both contribute in very different ways. I am not less than because I'm not a surgeon. And Sione is not less than because he's not a coach. We both get to be great at what we're great at with no impact to our worth, even though we contribute to the world in different ways. My worth and value is no less than his because I can't save a life through surgery or do a C-section. And his worth and value is no less than mine because he can't coach someone into more clarity around their difficult marriage situation. 

14:40 

Comparing any person to any other person will never be a fair comparison because not one of us has had the same experiences and learned the same things and interacted with the same people as any other person. Even having been raised by the same parents, so much is different from child to child. So comparison often takes us to a one-down place in thinking that our worth is less. And sometimes it can take us to a one-up place, thinking our worth is more. 

15:17 

And it can be super easy for our human tendency to compare to move us into judgment of another person's worth or of our own worth. But guess what we can also do with comparison? We can use this natural comparison tendency to compare, to move us into equality. And we can do this by getting curious. Not asking things like, "why are they so much better than me?" But rather reframing these questions to things like, "I wonder what it took for them to get that good at that. What can I learn from them that I could apply to my life? What are they doing that I could create similar outcomes?" 

16:04 

Here's the thing about comparison: it comes naturally and most of us use it to put ourselves in a one-up or one-down situation. But when we can choose comparison to put us in an equal place, it doesn't mean we have to beat ourselves down or beat other people down. It can actually provide an opportunity instead to look at the possibilities. I can compare myself to other coaches and go into a one-up or a one-down. "They're a better coach than me. They're not as good as me," whatever. Or I can compare myself to other coaches and I can broaden my ideas about what I can accomplish, what's available, how can I serve more and bless more. 

16:48 

This comes when I stop comparing with a one-up or a one-down lens. It comes when I start to see myself as an equal, as a different person with a different skill set and interests and perspectives about how to apply those skill sets and interests. I know you've probably all heard the phrase that comparison is the thief of joy. And when used as a comparison, as a one-up, one-down place, I absolutely believe that's true. But when we use comparison to ask what if, it can also be the catapult to  broadening our views and lengthening our stride. 

17:30 

We do that by bringing curiosity to the table. Curiosity that says, "what if?" Curiosity that says, "I wonder how." Curiosity that says, "is it possible to?" These are questions that propel us forward rather than pushing us back. Curiosity for growth's sake, not to feed our victim mentality. Remember, the way that I talk about victim mentality is that we are focused on the problems. A victim mentality will say things like, "why does this always happen to me?" But the hero of our story focuses on solutions. Instead of, "why does this happen to me?" The solution says, "so what's my next step? How do I want to respond to this?" Victim curiosity asks questions that exacerbate the problem, that focus on the problem. Hero curiosity asks questions that move us out of victim mentality and it focuses on the solution. And this is the kind of curiosity that looks for solutions and moves us forward, that drives actions, that excites and inspires us to move and to grow. 

18:51 

Both judgment and comparison have the capacity to stunt our growth. But harnessing creative curiosity creates connection in our relationships and progress in our lives. It solves problems and it heals hearts. It creates a safe space for self-reflection and vulnerability. When we can learn to truly see ourselves as equals with everyone else in the world, then our comparison keeps us out of judgment and moves us instead into genuine curiosity. 

19:30 

And curiosity is the solution. It is the cure. It is the cure for a struggling sense of self. My friend, if you can learn to harness curiosity, when you see yourself going into judgment or into unrighteous comparison, just stop and say, wait a minute, we're equals here. What do they know that I don't know? What could be happening in their life that I don't know about? The more that each one of us can learn to be more curious when we feel judgment and comparison stepping into our lives, and they will, because we're humans, they are absolutely going to be there. And we just get to nudge ourselves and change directions and move into curiosity instead. I promise that in every relationship you have in your life, curiosity will create something much more beautiful, much more intimate, and much more connected. And this is a beautiful part of growing up is learning to get curious. 

20:52 

Okay, that's going to do it for me this week. If you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, will you please do a few things for me? One, make sure that you're subscribed to the podcast. You can do that quickly and easily. Two, I would love to have you leave me a review. If you have Apple or Spotify, you can do that. I know on Apple, you can just go to my podcast. You can open it up on your Apple app and just scroll down and there will give you an opportunity to do some stars and just to write me a quick paragraph about what this is doing. That helps this podcast to show up on other people's recommended podcasts so that more people can find this valuable content. 

21:40 

And then if you will share this with other people, you can get the link to this. You can send it to other people. You can share it on your social media. You can talk about the things that you're learning. Talk about it with friends. Get friends to listen so that you can have conversations about the topics. I promise you that if you start conversing with friends about these topics, your growth will be faster. 

22:05 

And if you really, really want to up-level your growth and move faster, I want to absolutely suggest some one-on-one coaching. One-on-one coaching will multiply your speed. It will help you see things more quickly than you could see them on your own. One-on-one coaching has changed my life. And it changes the life of my clients as they see and understand and grow at a quicker pace than they ever would have on their own. Can you listen to the podcast and figure stuff out? Yes. And I promise you, you will do in three to six months what it might take you two to three, maybe four years to do on your own. And this is time that you could be spending loving and enjoying and embracing beautiful relationships rather than struggling and spinning. 

23:06 

So if you want to set up a one-on-one consult with me to talk about coaching and to get some free one-on-one coaching, go to tanyahale.com, go to the free consultation tab and you will have access to my calendar and you can sign up for a time that we can do some coaching and we can discuss all the things. I promise you, you will leave with better insight and understanding. Okay, check it out. Have an awesome, awesome day, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

23:44 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive weekend. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.