00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Halel. This is episode number 412, "Developing Charity: The Pure Love of Christ." 

00:23 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Super glad to have you here today. As always, just so appreciate you being here. I find so much joy and so much satisfaction in being able to share with you this information that has changed my life and that makes everything feel better and helps me be able to engage better in ways that I feel really great about. And so really happy to be able to share this with you and glad to have you here joining me on this journey, working through your own stuff so that you can find more joy and satisfaction in your own relationships and in your own life. And just love this. Love having you here. Thank you for your support of this podcast and for sharing it and for leaving reviews. And I guess that's that part. Just appreciate you. 

01:20 

Second, want to let you know the next Talk with Tanya is June 9th. You can, as always, you can sign up for that by going to tanyahale.com, go to the group coaching tab, and you will see their opportunities to sign up for that. You will be sent an email with a link to that. So those are just great. We have some amazing conversations. So I hope that you join us there. 

01:47 

And then lastly, don't forget that if you want to learn more about this concept from some of my podcasts, that you can go down to the show notes and you can find several podcasts that talk about similar topics and that will help to build this out for you and create a better idea of what's going on. 

02:06 

So jumping in to today, preface for this, a few weeks ago I was asked to speak in church and I was asked to just speak on one of the conference talks and one that really stood out to me when I heard it was Elder David Bednar's talk called "All Who Have Endured Valiantly." And I loved this talk so much because love has become the topic that I adore almost more than any others. And as he was talking about enduring valiantly, he talked about the importance of charity. And so I really connected with that idea. And so I thought that I would share my talk with you. So this will be a little bit more spiritual in nature. 

02:53 

I know that you probably recognize me as a person who identifies with spirituality and I love that aspect of who I am. And this podcast, I talk about spirituality a little bit, but not all the time. But this one will be a little bit more heavy on the spiritual side as I'm going to be talking about our heavenly parents and Christ and his Atonement a little bit more than normal. 

03:17 

So I love that as David Bednar begins this talk, he started with talking about charity as being an invitation to be spiritually transformed. And then we're going to talk about how charity does that. So one quote from his talk, he said, "for disciples of the Savior, charity encompasses both what we do and what we can become as this spiritual gift ultimately possesses us. At a fundamental level, charity certainly includes acts of compassion, kindness, and generosity directed toward others. But at a higher and even holier level, charity is the very essence of the end toward which we are enduring, becoming new creatures in Christ. As we live as he invites us to live, and with his help, our nature and character over time increasingly become more like his." 

04:15 

When we talk about charity, it is described in the Bible as being the pure love of Christ. And this brings us right back to love. And I always refer back to this, but in Matthew 22, Jesus Christ was asked, what is the greatest commandment? And he replies, this is from the King James Version starting in verse 36. It says, "'Master, which is the great commandment in the law?' Jesus said unto him, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'" 

05:01 

That last verse just always gets me because it reminds me that everything, everything in this life relies on our learning to love. When we can do what we do in life with love, everything else will fall in place is what that says to me. Because to become like God means we must not just learn about love or even how to love, but we must become love. In 1 John 4, verse 8 and verse 16, it says that "God is love." Love is not just something that God does, but it is what God is. It is His essential nature. 

05:50 

So what does this look like? I think if we stand back and take a wide lens look at the Plan of Salvation, at the overarching purpose of the gospel, it is that we become as God is, that we become love. We possess charity, but as Elder Bednar says, ultimately charity possesses us. To me, that means that it becomes our nature, who and how we are at our core. Charity creates in us the capacity for true living, meaning lives that are fulfilling and purposeful. Our natural human tendencies, or our knee-jerk reactions, are eventually overcome by charity when this is our focus. And we learn to respond in Christlike ways rather than to react in hurtful ways. And love also becomes our motivation in all things. 

06:48 

Now, to get to this point, this is a lifelong process. It takes an intentional focus to understand love and charity better and to implement them more in our lives. And that focus begins with a much narrower focus. So we're going to take that wide lens and we're going to bring it on in. So what does this love, this charity, look like on a day-to-day basis? For that, I want to refer to 1 Corinthians, where Paul teaches us very specifically about charity. I'm going to refer to two versions of the Bible here. The one I grew up on was the King James Version, so I'm going to share that one. But I also have really started to enjoy the NRSV version as this talks in a little bit more plain language at times. So I'm going to share both of those. 

07:41 

But 1 Corinthians 13: 4 says that "charity suffers long." The NRSV says "love is patient." This means that we would not lecture or belittle someone else's accomplishments because they don't meet our own personal standards. This means that we don't have outbursts when we don't get our way or shut down communication because it takes time and effort. Really, to have charity that suffers wrong, we are willing to invest time and effort into understanding the other person. 

08:18 

I know that we have talked so much about how to be understanding on this podcast. This is part of developing charity. Also in verse 4, Paul says that "charity is kind." This would mean that we don't call another person derogatory names or belittle them. We won't yell or patronize to make the other person feel small and we won't treat them like a child. We will strive to instead build others and give them the space to make mistakes and learn from them, being forgiving all along the way and offering grace for their humanity, which is very obviously not perfect, just like ours. 

09:04 

Also in verse 4, "charity envieth not." The NRSV says that it's "not envious." We don't resent others for what we have in this capacity. We won't feel threatened by or envious of others' relationships. For example, we won't look at the friendship that two of our other friends have with each other and feel threatened by or envious of that relationship. Charity has enough self love that we understand that we are of complete worth regardless of anyone else who is around us. We could be in a room with a billion billionaire and our worth would be the same. It would be the same as theirs. When we have this kind of charity that envieth not, we don't feel the need to compare ourselves to others. Because what others are or what others have does not impact our worth at all, especially not in the eyes of God. As humans, we may struggle with this concept, but God never sees our worth as anything less. 

10:17 

Also in verse 4, "charity vaunteth not itself." In the NRSV, that means boastful. Charity is not boastful, which means it doesn't brag. It doesn't make ourselves responsible for another person's accomplishments. For example, we would never say, "well, you couldn't do that if you didn't have me." This type of charity won't put the other person's interests or hobbies down by saying that they're not as good as ours. They're not as important as ours. We won't take responsibility, or I mean, I guess I would say that we will take responsibility for our problems rather than blaming someone else for our problems. And we will celebrate and find joy in other people's strengths and not compare ourselves to them or dwell on their weaknesses as a false  way of trying to make ourselves feel better. 

11:10 

Also in verse 4, "charity is not puffed up." And in the NRSV, "charity is not arrogant." Love is not arrogant, meaning it's not prideful. It is humble. It will not demand respect from any other person. Charity will not withhold affection in an attempt to get our own way. Instead, it will seek to understand our own behaviors. It will be self-reflective and how those behaviors are impacting others rather than always blaming the other person for all of the problems and using guilt or shame to get our own way. 

11:47 

Let's talk just briefly about arrogance and confidence. Sometimes arrogant and confident are used somewhat similarly, but the difference is that arrogance is always in a place of comparison. "I am better than this other person." Confident just says, "I am good at this." Not that I'm better at this than somebody else. 

12:14 

Now, verse 5, "charity doth not behave itself unseemly." NRSV, "charity is not rude." Love is not rude. Okay? This would mean not indecent or inappropriate. We would not embarrass other people in public. We would not make jokes or use sarcasm to make somebody else feel foolish. We would not belittle another's accomplishments or make fun of their interests. We wouldn't make important decisions without our partner's knowledge. We won't order the other person around or walk out of a situation without taking responsibility for it. All of those ways would be rude. They would be unkind. 

13:03 

Also in verse 5, "charity seeketh not her own." NRSV, "would not insist on its own way." Meaning, we're not selfish. We're not doing things at the expense of others. Rather, we seek to carry our share of the responsibility rather than feigning helplessness so we don't have to be involved. This type of feigning helplessness could be pretending to be asleep on the sofa or pretending that we're too busy at work to come home because we know that if we do, if we are awake or if we come home, our spouse or whoever else will pick up the slack and do all the work if we're not there. 

13:45 

This also means that we will respect another person even if their viewpoint is different and we will seek to understand the other person's point of view rather than disputing their experience and feelings and telling them they are wrong to feel that way. 

14:01 

Also in verse 5, "charity is not easily provoked." NRSB, "is not irritable." Charity doesn't lose its temper. It doesn't yell or throw a tantrum in order to try and get its own way. If we have charity, we won't try to push buttons of the other person in order to provoke them so that then we can blame them for the quarrel if they retaliate or even say that it's the other person's fault that they got angry in the first place. When we are not easily provoked, we just don't try to push other people's buttons to trigger them because we love them. We don't want to trigger people that we love. 

14:43 

Also in verse 5, "charity thinketh no evil." I love that the NRSB says, "keeps no record of wrongs," meaning it doesn't hold grudges. It doesn't keep a list of wrongs done to us by others so that they can pull them up at other times and tell them how horrible they are. There's no keeping score when we have true charity. Charity is not transactional and relationships are not transactional when we have charity. A person with this kind of charity won't blame others for our own problems, nor will we demand respect from others. 

15:23 

Moving on to verse 6, "charity rejoiceth not in iniquity." The other version says it "does not rejoice in wrongdoings, but rejoices in the truth." This means that if we have charity, we want to understand the truth, not just our version or our perspective of the truth. Because what is right is more important than who is right. We are willing to be wrong. We are willing to even look at our perspective and question, "might that be wrong?" We won't unjustly accuse others or deny or downplay our own behaviors or motivations. We will seek to be honest in all of our interactions with others, even when it may mean confessing our own failings and faults and wrongdoings. And person with this charity will seek to have integrity in all things within our relationship. We don't sneak or hide or pretend. 

16:32 

Verse number seven, "charity beareth all things." This means that we keep quiet about the errors and the faults of others and don't give in to resentment. We don't try to throw others under the bus and work to turn others against somebody else. And we set healthy boundaries because not having boundaries will throw us into a place of resentment. 

16:54 

Verse 7, "charity believeth all things," meaning we're completely trusting of and committed to God and Christ. "Hopeth all things." Hope implies courage, assurance, and optimistically planning on success in following God. Also in verse 7, "charity endureth all things." This means that we work through situations from a place of love rather than sheer will or dogged determination. 

17:30 

And that verse right there is the verse, one of the verses, that Elder David Bednar refers to in his talk about enduring all things and combining it with charity. And then the very last verse of this says in verse 8, "charity never faileth." The NRSV, "love never ends." It isn't fickle. Charity chooses to love. It is a true transformation of who we are and what motivates us. Charity will never fail to create in us the spiritual transformation needed to become like our heavenly parents. 

18:10 

David J. Ridges has said about this, he says, "the phrase 'charity never faileth' in verse 8 has many possible interpretations and lessons for us. For instance, it can mean that exercising charity never fails to make us a better person. It never fails to make the world a better place. Another definition of 'faileth' is being ineffective, or in other words, charity is never ineffective. Even in the case where Christ, like love and patience, is rejected by others, charity still brings the one who has it back to God." 

18:47 

And this brings us full circle to Elder Bednar's topic, that enduring means to have charity. And in this context, enduring takes on a whole new meaning. It isn't just white knuckling and holding on, trying and to hold on until the very end, but rather this charity creates in us a capacity to work through challenges, being motivated by love rather than by fear or by anxiety. This shows that we are finding fulfillment, satisfaction, and even joy in the process of challenges and growth. Charity is what allowed Christ to give us an infinite atonement. And charity is what will allow us to receive and embrace this precious gift. 

19:44 

Just as Christ's charity offers grace to us, developing our own charity allows us to offer grace not only to ourselves, but also to others. And God, being love, has the ability to honor our agency and offer us grace while we are in some of the messiest parts of our life. And creating this Godlike charity creates the same capacity in us, the ability to honor other people's agency and offer them grace in some of the messiest parts. When we have this charity, we don't see our human frailties as a problem, but as part of the process for learning and growth. Every relationship is better with the grace that so naturally comes from charity, the pure love of Christ. 

20:40 

Research teaches us that the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of our relationships. Charity creates loving, kind, beautiful, and equal relationships, which increases the quality of our lives. This spiritual transformation makes this life more joyful, more purposeful, and more fulfilling. And it creates in us the new creature that lives in alignment with our heavenly parents and with their love. The more we love, the better we feel. Because love just feels good. 

21:23 

Compare and contrast love with anxiety, frustration, annoyance, irritation. All of those just feel heavy and angsty. And I don't know, just makes the insides of my body want to crawl a little bit. But when I think about love, love just fills my soul. It overflows my heart. Love feels better than anything else in the entire world. Why do we spend so much time investing in not forgiving, in being judgmental, in being unkind, in feeling irritated and annoyed? Why do we invest so much in that when if we instead invested in love, our whole lives would change? 

22:24 

So the more that we develop charity, the more enduring to the end isn't a white knuckle experience, but a beautiful, fulfilling, loving experience where we lean into this endurance. We lean into the beauty that life holds for us as we get older and as we grow and as we progress and as we work our way through difficult challenges, when we can do it with a mind and a heart full of love, everything changes. Everything changes. I am not perfect at charity. I am not perfect at the pure love of Christ. But I'm closer than I used to be. I understand it better. I feel it more deeply. And my life has completely changed as a result of learning how to love better. 

23:26 

And this is so much of what I do on this podcast, trying to help us all learn to love better. Thanks for joining me here. This is a beautiful part of learning to grow up. I think sometimes this charity for many of us, we just don't even have the understanding or the capacity to develop it deeper until we start hitting middle age. So glad to have you here with me. So glad to have you joining me on this journey of becoming who we really want to be so that this life is engaging and lovely and beautiful and fulfilling. 

24:09 

Okay, that's going to do it for me today, my friends. If you want some one-on-one help figuring out how to be more loving in your life, how to see the ways that you're not being loving, to know how to clean up a lot of these hurtful behaviors that we talked about today...this is what I do. You can go on my website, tanyahale.com. You can go to the free consultation button. You can sign up for a time where we can sit and chat and discuss your situation in depth. And then I can talk to you all about my coaching program, how it works and all the things, what it would take for you to invest and move into this next best version of yourself. 

24:56 

I love coaching. Gosh, I love this so much. And I'm so grateful to be able to share this journey with you and to teach you tools that I am learning that are changing my life. I hope you have an awesome, awesome week, my friends, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

25:16 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.