00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 410, "What Staying in Your Own Lane Looks Like." Well, hi there, my friend. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here. We are just going to jump in. I want to remind you of Talk with Tanya on May 12th. That is a Tuesday. It is always at 2 o'clock Eastern, 12 o'clock Mountain. And it is just a free webinar that you can come to and you can ask questions. You can just listen to other people. We have really great discussions and we talk. Some people get coached. It's just a really great opportunity to get a feel for what coaching is like. If you've been thinking, "maybe this is kind of a good option for me, but I don't know," this is a great way to find out and to experience what coaching is and how it works. 

01:05 

So that being said, I want to remind you as well that if you like this content, if you're like, oh, I want to learn a little bit more about this, always go down to the show notes. I will have a list. In about the last year and a half, I started putting a list of podcasts under there that you can go to that will help you to learn more. And sometimes I go a little bit overboard because I'm just a little bit overzealous that way. I love this content because of the impact that it's made in my life. And I just love being able to share it. And I just think if people can understand these basic concepts and apply them to their lives, they would see such positive changes. And I just want y'all to have that. I want you to be able to start creating the kinds of lives that you really want. 

01:52 

So anyway, let's jump into today. So after my last Talk with Tanya, we did so, I mean, the entire time we talked about staying in your own lane. And then I was like, "okay, well, we probably need to do another podcast on that." And I think I talked to you about that last week when I ended up doing the replay of number 272, I believe, which is "Staying in Your Own Lane." And then I was thinking this week, it would probably be really great to give a lot, like an overabundance of examples, so that people can start seeing what staying in your own lane looks like, or even more so, what it looks like to get out of your lane, to try and go into somebody else's lane, because it's very subtle. 

02:36 

It can be really hard to see because in our brains, we're just helping people who need help. We see a problem to be solved and we want to help solve it. We see somebody struggling and we want to help them not struggle. It comes disguised as help. And that's why it can be so tricky because we think we're being of service. We think we're being Christlike. We think we're helping other people. But what we are actually doing is we are judging their choice. We are judging their capacity to make a good decision. And in that, we stray into their lane. We start obstructing their own agency to make their own choices. 

03:20 

Okay, so I have, I think I ended up with 34 examples here. So we're going to go through these kind of fast, but also I'm going to explain a little bit, probably more so at the beginning, because I want you to make the connections of what's going on here. And then at the end, by the end, I'm hoping that you, I'll be able to share an example and you'll be able to, in your own head, say, "oh, I see why that is getting out of my lane." Because you're going to start seeing where people step into responsibility for things that it is not their responsibility to do. 

03:59 

So we are talking mostly about all adults here. So even when we talk about children, we're talking about children who are adults because you do have more responsibility for children who are still minors. But we're just going to be talking about all these things. And I want you to start paying attention to and start thinking, trying to put these pieces together. Oh, how is that staying in my lane? How is that this person taking responsibility where it is not their job to take responsibility? And then we are going to have a test at the end. No, we're not really. Just teasing. But I want you to be able to start identifying this because the more you can see it, the more you will start becoming aware of it in your own lane. 

04:42 

Now, here's the thing. Every single one of us strays out of our own lane at times. We just do. It's human nature. And when you start seeing patterns in your own life of where you stray and why you stray, no beating yourself up, my friend. None of this, "oh my gosh, I'm such a horrible person," because...No, we're not even going to go there. Of course you stray. Of course you don't stay in your lane all the time. That's just what humans do. Alright, recognize it. Ask yourself some questions. Get curious. Why do I move out? Why have I done this? What made me think that I knew better than them about how to live their own life? 

05:22 

And then just use that as good information to adjust your behavior in the future and to be more aware of how it shows up. Because if it's showing up in one area, it's most likely showing up in several areas. So here we go. I'm even going to number these as we go so you can be like amazed at how many examples I have. 

05:42 

Okay, number one, let's say that you are a big exerciser and your spouse does not want to exercise. And you think, oh my gosh, they should be exercising. They would be healthier. They would feel better. They wouldn't be so sluggish. They wouldn't be so tired and grumpy all the time. And so you try and persuade them to exercise. "Well, you should come exercise. Why don't you come exercise with me? Oh, wouldn't it be great if we went and exercised together?" Right? That is getting out of your lane. Okay? Stay in your own lane. If your spouse, who is an adult, does not want to exercise, they do not have to exercise. They get to make that decision for themselves. 

06:23 

Now, might it encroach on your agency in 10 years when they are more house-ridden? Yes, it might. And they get to do that. This agency piece where other people's agency impacts your life, that is just part of life in general. Other people's agency impacts my life all day long, right? I go to the store and somebody pulls in a parking spot before me. They just took my agency. I was going to park in that one, right? Or somebody cuts me off in the store or on the road or whatever, right? Life is all about people living and taking up space. And we bump into each other in the things that we want. And sometimes other people's agency impacts us, sometimes significantly, like having a spouse who is more house-ridden because they have not taken care of their bodies in a good way, and sometimes in smaller ways. But even if their choices are going to impact your agency later on, and the consequences of their choices are going to make your life more difficult, you still don't get a say. Stay out of their lane. 

07:42 

Number two is closely related. Your spouse doesn't want to eat healthy. Again, that is their choice. They get to eat however they darn well please. And you get to eat however you darn well please. Right? You both just get to do what you want. That is part of being an adult. So however your spouse chooses to eat, that's their business. It's not yours. 

08:10 

Okay, number three, children who leave their religious upbringing. Alright, guess what? They are adults. They get to worship God or not worship God, however they choose. That is their responsibility. That is their right as an adult to choose how and if they want to incorporate God into their lives. It's their choice. You just get to stay out of their lane. Stop trying to nudge them or trying to passively aggressively say, you know, "life would be a lot easier if you went to church." Okay, let's just stop that stuff, right? Let them make the decision that they want to make. 

08:57 

Your job here is to manage your own mind about how do I love them, how do I continue to love them and let them know that they are loved, even when they are living differently than how I had hoped and anticipated that they would. The reason children leaving religious upbringing is a problem is because you had hopes and expectations otherwise. And that's a large part of what happens when we get out of our lane. We have expectations of the other person, we have hopes of the other person that they would do life differently. And they're not. Our children get to choose their path. Sometimes it's that we thought they would always go to university and they choose not to. Sometimes we have a child that comes out as LGBTQ or trans or something along those lines or they choose to live with a partner before they get married. They get to choose to live how they want. Our job is to choose to show up in a way that most aligns with my values. Am I loving? Am I kind? Am I accepting? Rather than being judgmental and thinking all of the shoulds of what we believe our child, how we want them to be living. 

10:20 

Okay. Number four, one partner lectures the other partner about maybe grief or trauma responses instead of listening. We might jump into shoulds, notice the shoulds. "You should be over this by now. You should go see a counselor. You should, you should, you should." Got to stop that. Okay. And we just, we step into instead, when we're in our staying in our own lane, we're saying, "wow, that sounds really difficult." We're validating. We're listening to understand. "That makes sense why you would be struggling so much. Sounds like a really tough decision. How are you leaning? What are you thinking about it?" 

11:06 

Okay. Number five, your spouse doesn't want to go shopping for a new sofa with you. Now, I'm going to tell you what, we're going to be in the market for some new sofas when we get to Hawaii. And I'm kind of keeping my fingers crossed that Sione doesn't want to go so that I get to choose out whatever I want. But here's the thing. For some people, that's going to be an angsty thing. I don't, we want to, I want them to go. I want whatever, right? Or maybe I don't want him to go shopping with me for a new sofa, right? But he gets to have a say in what our home looks like. He gets to have a say as much as I don't like it about what colors we're going to paint, right? And I do love that he likes to be involved in that, but sometimes I'm like, "oh, just make this easy for me and do it the way that I want." But that is not staying in my own lane if I expect him to want what I want and have the opinions that I have. Right? 

12:02 

Here's another. Six. Your spouse doesn't want to have conversations about life coaching with you. You might love this content. You might be like, "oh my gosh, this is so great." But every time you try and talk to your spouse about it, they're like, "meh, I don't like it." But you just keep bringing it up and bringing it up. And, "oh, you should listen to this podcast and you should do this. And it would be great if you did this and you should do this," right? We get into this idea about thinking that they should be interested in the same things that we are. 

12:32 

Here's the deal. I have a brother who is a really good coder. I have zero interest in having conversations with him about computer coding. Zero. And it's not that I don't love him. And it's not that I don't support him in his job. I just don't want to talk about computer coding, right? And if you are married to a spouse who does not want to talk about life coaching, about these kinds of skills with you, that's their prerogative. They get to not be interested in it. Your job is to figure out, okay, how do I want to implement these without being heavy-handed, without expecting them to show up in liking this content or incorporating this content. 

13:18 

Alright, number seven, your spouse's personal hygiene. Now, this gets a little bit tricky, right? And I'm going to put number eight in here because it's very similar, like how your partner dresses or how they wear their hairstyle. Okay? You may have some very particular things about what you like and what you don't like. I would have a really tough time if I had a spouse who didn't brush his teeth. That would be tough for me, or who always smelled a little bit because they didn't shower on a regular basis. That would be really tough. And yet, if I was in that situation, my spouse would get to do that however they wanted. 

14:01 

Now, that does not mean that I can't make requests. It doesn't mean that I can't say, "hey, you know, you're, I would really like it if you would brush your teeth before we went to bed or before we kissed." Or "if we want to have sex tonight, I would really appreciate it if you would shower first." We can make requests and they get to say, "it's not important to me." In which case, you can set boundaries and you can say, "listen, I just don't enjoy kissing you when your breath smells, when you haven't brushed your teeth for a few days and there's that cheesy crud all over them," right? Like, "I don't enjoy that. That's kind of gross to me. So if you don't want to brush your teeth, then I'm just not going to kiss you." That's an appropriate boundary if that's what you want. But your spouse gets to have their own hygiene. 

14:56 

They get to choose how they want to dress and how they want to wear their hair. Do they like it long? Do they like it short? Do they like it shaved? They get whatever, they get to do whatever they want. Man, you might love that long hair, but if your wife wants short hair, she gets to have short hair. You can have an opinion for sure, but you don't get a say. Right? This is part of staying in your own lane, realizing that, oh, I can have an opinion and it needs to be respectfully shared with permission, but I don't get a say. That's part of staying in your own lane. 

15:34 

Here we go. Number nine. Maybe a parent repeatedly tells their adult child that they should get registered for their university classes or that they should get a job or where they should apply or what their major should be or that they should be studying for finals. Guess what? Once your child's an adult, none of that is your business. Now, if you are paying for all of those things, then I think you get to say, "hey, listen, if you have late fees to pay for school, you're going to have to pay them yourself." Or "I will pay for this many semesters of college. If you don't study, you know, if you choose not to get good enough classes and you have to retake classes, that's on you. You're going to have to pay for the extra." We can absolutely set those kinds of boundaries, but it is not our job once our children are adults and in college or whatever they're doing to tell them how to do it. That is their job. 

16:41 

Now, if you have questions or if you have ideas, you can say, "hey, I have some questions. Can I ask you?" Or "I have some ideas that I've been thinking about based on some things you told me before about your major. Can I share those with you?" If they say yes, share them and then back off. Then it's none of your business, right? If they say no, I don't want it, then you get to say, "oh, okay." That is their prerogative to not want to hear your suggestions and opinions. 

17:15 

Okay, here's another one. Number 10, telling adult children how to parent their children. That is crossing into somebody else's lane. Your adult children get to decide how they want to run their house, how they want to raise their kids. Now, we're not talking about if your kids are beating their children. Like, that's a totally different scenario. We're just talking about do they choose to put them to bed at seven o'clock at night or do they choose to put them to bed at 11 o'clock at night? These parents get to choose. And it is not yours to say. So we've got to stop telling our adult children how to parent their own children. 

18:00 

Okay, here's another one. Telling your spouse how they should show up spiritually or religiously. Like any shoulds have to go away. "You should be leading us in family prayer. You should be coming to church with us on time. You should be reading scriptures every day" or whatever that sounds like, right? And maybe you even have a spouse who has stepped away from their religiosity and maybe even their spirituality. They may have stepped away from that. Guess what? They get to change their minds. Even if you were married with the understanding that this is going to be part of our lives, they still get to change their mind as they get older. 

18:44 

That is the prerogative of being a human and being an adult. We get to change our minds. Your spouse gets to change their mind. You don't get to change their mind. They get to change their mind and your job is to learn how to honor the decisions that they are choosing to make. 

19:07 

Okay, number 12, without being asked, a partner tells their spouse what they need to say in their emails so that they sound more professional: "you should word it this way." Now, if your partner says, "hey, will you read through this email and tell me what you think?" We can absolutely have a say, but then we also get to back off. We put it on the table and then we back off. But if we're just looking over their shoulders and we're like, "hey, I don't think that sounds very good. You need to say this. You should put it this way. You should do this," right? None of your business. Stay in your lane. 

19:45 

Okay. Number 13, a friend insists on choosing and booking medical treatments for another friend instead of supporting their decision. Okay, you love this person and them not taking care of their health and having the medical treatments and appointments that they need to have in order to get healthy or to prolong their life. That is their decision. And it sounds life or death, and it might be. And it is their choice. The same thing would apply if this was a spouse. You have a friend who gets a cancer diagnosis and the doctors say, "yeah, there's a 30% chance that if you get these treatments, that you can live." And your friend may say, "that's not high enough for me. I would rather, you know, live out my life this way." We get to stay in our own lane and not harp them about it, not keep coming back and saying, "but you know, but you know," we just get to say, "all right, gosh, I love you. I'm sure that was a hard decision to make." 

21:05 

Number 14, a coworker takes over a colleague's project and insists it will be better or for their own good. Okay? You're the coworker, right? You take over a colleague's project because you think it's going to be better the way that you do it. Well,  guess what? It might be better the way that you do it, but it's not yours to take over. Stay in your own lane. Your responsibility is your stuff. If that is on their project task list, that is theirs. Now, if they ask for your opinion, if they ask for some help, that's a different story. But you seeing gaps and saying, "oh, let me fix this for you. None of your business." Now you can say, "I can see some opportunities to make this better. Are you interested in hearing them?" Maybe they will be, maybe they won't be. But you don't jump in and take over or give opinions without permission. 

22:10 

Number 15, a parent manages an adult child's finances and bills without discussing and they decide how the money is spent. Okay? Once your adult child is an adult, their finances, their bills, are theirs. They get to make their own money and they get to decide how that money is spent. Okay, now again, as we go back, if you are financing something for your child, like say that you are paying for their apartment and they're 25, I think you absolutely get to say, and, "you know, it's important that these particular things happen." But also, maybe not. Maybe you just decide to pay for their finances, to pay for their rent, and that's okay. Like you get to do that, but we cannot start taking over all of those things. 

23:13 

Okay. Number 16, a neighbor mows and alters somebody else's yard because they think it would look better. Stay in your own lane, right? Mind the boundary between the property. Just because you don't like the way that your neighbor's lawn looks or that their flower gardens look or whatever, it is not your job nor your responsibility to fix it, to take care of it for them. You get to just stay in your own yard. You get to take care of your own yard the way that you want to. And we don't want it to be because we're trying to show them up and shame them and make them feel bad. That's not good motivation. We do it because we just like to do it because I like the way that my yard looks when I do it that way. 

24:08 

Okay, number 17, a partner schedules social events without checking with their spouse and might even decide which friends the other person can spend time with. Right? That's not staying in your own lane unless you and your spouse already have an agreement that, listen, you can put whatever you want to on our social calendar and I'll just show up. That's one thing. But if your spouse likes to have a say in that, you just putting stuff on the social calendar is not going to fly. Okay, I hope you're starting to get a sense of what it means to stay in your own lane and what it means to get into somebody else's lane. 

24:49 

Okay, number 18. A friend becomes the emotional fixer, offering solutions and judgments instead of listening when someone shares their struggles. Okay, so a friend is talking to you about a situation with their sister. And we just say, "oh, you know what you should do?" You know, you know, or, "oh my gosh, like that's, that's so mean," right? Offering solutions and judgments, none of our business. That is getting in their lane. What we get to learn how to do is to listen, to seek to understand, to ask good questions, to get curious. 

25:28 

Number 19, a parent intervenes in their grown child's romantic relationship by insisting that they know all of the details and or demanding that the partner change or leave. Okay? Once your child is in a romantic, especially an adult child is in a romantic relationship, that relationship is theirs. It is not yours. You don't get to know what's going on. You don't get to tell their partner how to treat your child. How that child gets treated in that relationship is between them and their partner. Now, again, we're not talking about extremes. We're not talking about huge abuse, right? But it is your child's relationship to manage. 

26:21 

Number 20, a partner keeps asking the same question over and over and over with the attempt to persuade the other person over to their point of view. Okay. The other person, they might eventually just break down if you keep asking over and over and over, but that is not staying in your own lane. Staying in your own lane means that we honor their wants and their desires. And if we ask once and they say "no, stop asking." If we ask once what kind of ice cream they want and they say, "I want vanilla," you believe them. You don't say, "oh my gosh, but wouldn't you rather have this one?" No, stop with that. They get to choose what they want. Stay in your own lane. Believe them. Let them make the choice for the kind of ice cream that they want to eat. 

27:18 

Okay, number 21. A spouse checks their partner's phone and answers messages for them without consent. Okay, it's one thing if you're driving in the car and your spouse gets a text message and they ask you to read it to them and then they say,  "oh, will you type this in?" We respond by saying this. That's totally, that is with consent. Okay, but if you, if your spouse has left their phone in the kitchen and they've gone out for a run and they get a text message and you answer it for them, that is getting into their lane. 

27:52 

22, an adult child moves into a parent's home and starts telling them how to run their household. Okay, if you are moving into your parents' home for whatever reason, it's your parents' home. They get to do it however they want. You are a guest in that home, even though it may currently be your home. 

28:13 

23. A colleague signs someone up for training or classes without asking. Okay. Again, people have a say in how they want to spend their time, in what they want to do, what they want to engage in. It is not ours to take that over for them, to make decisions for them without permission. 

28:42 

So 24, a friend insists on giving parenting advice to new parents and overrides their choices. Okay. We've all done that. I get the great opportunity this summer to go spend three weeks with my son and daughter-in-law after they have a baby. And I am just gearing myself up to say, "listen, I'm just there to help." Whatever they want, it's all good. You know, I'm not going to have a say on breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I'm not going to have a say on bedtime. I'm not going to have a say on how they dress or swaddle or bathe the baby. If they ask me and say, "hey, how do you do this? Or how would you do this?" I can absolutely share. But again, put it on the table, back off, right? They do not have to agree with my advice. Right? And again, advice only if it is asked for or if I have asked permission. 

29:52 

Number 25. Let's say that a sibling shows up at a family member's house to rearrange their decor and their possessions because they don't like what the house is like when they go over to visit. That one seems pretty clear, doesn't it? Like, it's not your house. None of your business. In fact, don't even go over to your brother's house or sister's house or whoever's house to clean for them. It is not your job to clean their house unless they're paying you. People get to live however they want. And if you go to their house and there's piles and piles of stuff and it makes you uncomfortable, that discomfort is your problem. It is not your sibling's problem. They get to live however they want. You get to live however you want. And if you're going to choose to go to their house, you get to choose to respect how they choose to live and not judge. 

30:56 

Okay, number 26. One partner decides unilaterally to adopt a pet and expects the household to absorb the care responsibilities. Alright, first of all, a pet always needs to be a joint decision, just as a child for sure, right? And to adopt a pet on your own and then expect everybody else to help take care of it and take it on walks and feed it and clean up the poop, yeah, right? That's not staying in your own lane. 

31:31 

Okay, number 27. A teacher contacts a parent to demand changes in home rules unrelated to school issues. Right? It's happened before in the history of mankind, I promise you, right? How a family chooses to raise their children, how they choose to run their household, is every family's own responsibility and right. We don't have a say, even as a teacher, to come in and say, "hey, you need to be doing this instead." They get to do it however they darn well please. 

32:08 

Number 28, a romantic partner blocks or deletes someone else's social media contacts to control their interactions or they even delete their social media account because they think they spend too much time there. Guess what? If your partner wants to be on social media more than you think is appropriate, they get to do that. They are an adult who gets to engage with social media however they darn well please. Okay, as well as if your partner likes to game, they get to game if they want to. They get to choose how much and how often. Now, you can set some boundaries for you and you can say, "hey, listen, if you are going to be on this gaming site for more than an hour a night, I am going to (put your consequence in there)." Right? Same thing, like partners get to do what they want. They don't have to come to bed at the same time as you. You can request that. You can say, "hey, I would love it if we went to bed together so that we could cuddle before we go to bed." But they don't have to. They are an adult who gets to engage with media however they want and whatever media they want. 

33:31 

If they want to watch R-rated movies, if they want to watch porn, guess what? They get to do that. And you get to learn how do I stay out of judgment? How do I love them regardless of what they're choosing to do? And I will say that if there are certain things that you feel are crossing appropriate boundaries, you get to have that discussion with the own-your-own, like we've talked about that in the past. And you get to use their response as good data. You know? But you get to stay in your own lane by letting them engage however they want. Okay. Getting into their social media and blocking or deleting people or even deleting their account, that is never going to be okay. That's none of your business. 

34:30 

Okay, here's another one, kind of similar as the last couple. A spouse won't allow their partner to do a certain activity or be friends with someone because they don't like it or them. Okay, I was just listening to a coaching call the other day and the man was saying that his ex-girlfriend that he dated for like six years got cancer and he wanted to reach out and just say, "hey, you know what? Just thinking about you. I'm sorry this is going on for you." And his current girlfriend was not allowing him to. First of all, allow in a marriage? Come on. You don't allow your spouse to do anything. You allow children to do things, but not your partner. Another adult gets to behave however they want. If you are allowing, you are stepping into a one-up position, a parental position, even, and it's going to destroy your relationship. Your spouse doesn't have a list of allowances from you. Right? Your spouse gets to behave however they want. And your job is to learn how to honor the things that they want to do. Now, might there be times that they cross boundaries? Of course. And that's a different conversation. But staying in your own lane means that they don't feel like, oh, I'm not allowed to do that. Ooh. Yeah, that doesn't work. 

36:04 

Okay, number 30. Maybe one spouse enrolls another spouse in a class or a program in order to fix perceived shortcomings. I had an experience once where I had someone ask me about coaching their teenager and I was like, "sure, if they're interested and if they want it, then have them sign up here and they can do this call." And when I got on the call with the person, I'm like, so tell me what you want to talk about today. And they were like, "well, I don't know. My mom just signed me up and I don't really even know why I'm here." Right? Not okay. Not okay. Especially if this other person is an adult, right? Like signing your spouse up for counseling or for couples counseling and then just saying, "hey, we've got couples counseling coming up." That's not okay. They're an adult. They get to choose whether they want counseling or not. 

37:00 

Now, maybe counseling or coaching would 100% fix your situation. That doesn't matter here. What matters is that your spouse is an adult who gets to live however they want to. If they do not want to go to coaching or to counseling, they don't have to go. They get to make that choice. And you, if you start going into punishing them or little digs or passive aggressive comments, that's all on you. That is poor form on your part. Your job is to clean up that kind of crap in your own life and let your spouse be who they want to be. 

37:45 

Alright, number 32. We've only got a few left. Are you getting the feel? I hope you're getting into the rhythm of this, right? Here we go. Let's say a relative takes over planning someone's funeral or major life event despite objections. Okay. They just come in and they're like, "nope, I'm taking over. I'm going to do this." And maybe the wife or the husband of the person who passed away is like, "wait, but I don't want this." And the other person is like, "listen, listen, you've got enough on your plate. You don't need to worry about planning the funeral. I got this. I'm going to take over it." That's getting in their lane, right? They are an adult who gets to decide. 

38:27 

Number 33, a parent calls their adult child's romantic partner to complain about how they're showing up in a relationship with their child. 

38:35 

This is similar to another one we've already talked about, right? That relationship with your child and their partner is theirs. It is between them. Now, you will have a relationship with your child and you will have a relationship with their partner, but it's a triangle, right? You have one with a child, you have one with a partner, and they have one between themselves. Your dot does not touch their line, so you don't get a say. 

39:07 

Here's another tough one. Your parents, who are now into their 80s or 90s, get to live however they want. Maybe they're pack rats and they have piles and piles and piles of stuff. Guess what? They get to have that. And you might say, "but it's  not fair. I'm going to have to clean it out when they die." Yeah. Yes, you are. And in the meantime, they get to live how they want. Because guess what you can do? If they die and their house is three feet deep in stuff, you can just hire companies to come in and just load it all and haul it all into the dump. They get to live that way if they want. 

39:49 

Guess what else your parents in their older ages get to do? They get to spend money however they want. Now, are there times where mentally they lose the capacity, like maybe they start getting dementia or whatever, that they don't have the capacity to be wise? Yes. And that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about your parents get to spend money on what they want to spend money on. They get to go on vacations to where they want to go on vacations. 

40:19 

They even get to move somewhere if they want to move somewhere. And you don't have a say. Now, let's say that their house is a hoarding house and it's really difficult for you to be there. The boundary you can set is, "I'm going to go ahead and just stay at a hotel." Right? You can set that boundary, but they get to keep all the stuff if they want to keep all the stuff. They get to spend their money however they want. 

40:54 

Okay, here's the last one I've got. And we've done a similar one to this one, but your spouse gets to take their medications or not take their medications. They get to make health decisions that they want. They get to call and set up doctor's appointments or not call and set up doctor's appointments. They get to do whatever they want. It is not your job to remind them to take their medications. It is not your job to call doctor and set up their doctor appointments. They are an adult. Adults do these things for themselves. And they get to make their health decisions. Going back to where we started, if they don't want to exercise, they don't want to eat healthy, they get to do that. 

41:43 

If your spouse decides that, "you know what, yes, I have diabetes and I don't want to take care of it," they get to make that decision. And you can use the own your own that we've talked about and say, "when you choose not to take care of your diabetes, I feel sad because I'm thinking that we're not going to have as many years together. What are your thoughts on that?" You absolutely can have conversations about it, but ultimately they get to decide. They get to decide whether they want to have those chemo radiation for their cancer or whether they just want to live out their life and deal with it. It's all their decision. 

42:34 

So I'm hoping that you are getting a really good idea of what it means to stay in your own lane. So a couple of things I just want to remind you of that we've touched on, but I think are important. First of all, when you get in somebody else's lane, it stems from judgment. Your judgment that they are not doing it right or correct, that they should be doing it a different way. Okay? And remind you that just because you want it doesn't mean that they have to want it. Just because you want your adult child to have a great post high school education doesn't mean that they have to do it. And it doesn't mean that they have to want it as well. They get to want whatever they want. 

43:26 

Okay. And we get to learn to stop using the word should because should is this place of judgment as well. Right? We are making judgments of what they should do. Next thing, ask permission. Learn to ask permission. If you have a different opinion, if you see something that maybe they're not seeing, it's always good, good form to say, "hey, I have some ideas about that. Can I share them with you?" And then honor whether they say yes or no. If they say no, back off. That's enough. If they say yes, put it on the table and then back off. It's not your job to monitor whether or not they do it. 

44:15 

Okay, so here's another idea. You can reduce your own stress by releasing the responsibility for somebody else's life. Listen, your life has enough stuff going on without having to pick up everybody else's stuff. Right? I look at my life and I'm like, I have so many of my own issues. Places where I go into other people's lanes, places where I am not emotionally regulated the way that I want to be. All those kinds of things. I have so much of my own stuff to worry about. I don't have time to worry about Sione stuff. I can just let go of the responsibility for anything that's his. It's not mine. I'm just going to keep my grubby hands off of his stuff. I'm going to let him be responsible for it. 

45:07 

That doesn't mean that I check out and go, "fine, you take care of your own life." I can absolutely show up engaged and go, "wow, this sounds really tough." I can validate his struggle. I can see him. I can hear him. I can create a safe space for him to share his ideas with me. But just because he shares them does not mean that he wants me to fix them. Learn to listen to your partner, to ask questions, to get curious, to seek to understand, and not have any responsibility for fixing it or cleaning it up. It's not yours. Okay. 

45:47 

And the reason we oftentimes try to clean it up is because we feel so uncomfortable. But here's the deal. It is not other people's job to manage your uncomfortable emotions. Nobody has to change how they're living or what they're doing so that you will feel better. It is your job to manage your own discomfort. Don't expect anybody else to do it. 

46:16 

Now, last piece that I just want to reiterate again. So much of this is about agency, our agency to behave how we want and other people's agency to believe how they want. This is a huge part of life and about how God's plan works. Other people have their agency. They get to change their mind. You don't get to change their mind. And yes, their consequences may impact you and they may impact you significantly. And that is part of what being in a relationship is. It is embracing the whole experience of having this person in your life. And regardless of the choices that that person makes, you are in it with them. Yeah. Maybe they take such poor care of their health right now that in five years you're going to have a lot of responsibility. Well, okay. You could just drop them off at a care center and walk away. Like that is an option if you want. I mean, there's so many options. That's an extreme, but you could. You may choose not to deal with the consequences of their choices, and that's fine. You just have to be in alignment with the person that you want to be. 

47:50 

And staying in your own lane is one of the most Christlike ways that we can live. Because agency is the crux of God's plan. That we learn to come and be our own agents for ourselves and that we learn to honor other people's agency to do things the way that they want to do them. This is what the Plan of Salvation is all about. And we become more Christlike when we lean into embracing agency. The more that I have figured this out and put the pieces together and really tried to implement it. 

48:39 

Now, I'm not perfect by any means. You ask anybody in my life and they'll go, "yeah, I'm not sure she's so great at that." I do pretty darn good because it's been on my, on the forefront of my brain for so long. But I still cross boundaries. I still get into other people's lanes. Right? But the more I have done it, the healthier and the better my relationships have been. 

49:07 

I just love, love growing up in these ways. Because I'm growing up not just in my emotional maturity, but it also pushes me to grow up in my spiritual maturity. Okay. And that's going to do it for me, my friends. Okay. Couple of things. If you are interested in exploring this deeper in your own life and in your own relationships and cleaning up your straying, I would love to do some one-on-one coaching with you. This helps you see and understand so that you can show up in relationships feeling amazing, treating the other people with honoring their agency and loving them in a way that has been unavailable to you before. And that does amazing, miraculous things for your relationship. If you resonated with a lot of these, one-on-one coaching would be a brilliant chance for you to work through some stuff. 

50:14 

Now, I know it's expensive. I know it takes time and effort, but I promise you, you will make growth in three months or six months time that it would take you two to three years, if not more, on your own, just because I get to sit beside you and I get to help you see the things that you don't see. And it's brilliant. One-on-one coaching is one of the most powerful tools that I have ever engaged with in my entire life. And I would love for you to experience it. If you are interested in one-on-one coaching and you want to see if it's a good fit and you want to find out all about how I do my coaching program, I would love for you to go to tinyhell.com, click on the free coaching tab or not free coaching, the free consultation tab at the top and get on my calendar. I have those for 90 minutes. I know that seems super long. That's longer than I do my regular coaching clients for, but that's because I want you to have a really good experience getting coached. And then we talk about what coaching looks like. So we have plenty of time to answer all of your questions, to really explain to you the process of what coaching is and to give you a great experience. 

51:33 

And if you choose to work with me, then that's an amazing jumpstart place. If you choose not to work with me, then you have  received some great information that you can then take and move forward a little bit. Hopefully it'll jumpstart you a little bit. It won't be as powerful as 12 weeks of coaching, 13 if we count that free consultation. But it's going to give you some really good information. And I love to do the coaching. It's super exciting and fun for me. 

52:07 

And then the other thing I would ask is just if you love this content, if it is helping you to grow and progress and move forward, I would love for you to do a few things. I would love for you to make sure that you subscribe to this podcast. Please leave me a review. If you listen on Spotify or Apple, please go and leave a review. That really helps other people to find the content. And I would love for you to share. If there are other people in your life that you know love this kind of content, share it with them. Post it on your social media. That would just really help me to share this message and it would put you in a place of serving and helping other people. 

52:51 

Okay, that's going to do it for me today. I hope this was super, super helpful. I really liked coming up with all of these examples. They're just all around us every day. We could stray into somebody else's lane 20 times a day, 30, 50 times a day. Easy. We really just have to learn how to pay attention so that we don't. Okay, love you. Thank you so much for being here. Have a great, great week and I'll see you next time. Bye. 

53:21 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.