00:00 

Hey there, this is Tanya Hale with Intentional Living and this is episode number 41, "Correcting and Connecting". Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Hey, this is Tanya. I know that's shocking to hear that it's me, but I'm just happy to be here today. I love what I do. I love this coaching gig. This to me is so amazing and so fun. I love being able to research these ideas and learn the things and talk with people and put pieces together and I love the difference that this is all making my life and I hope that it's making a difference in yours too. I hope that's why you're joining me and I hope that you continue to keep joining me because there's some good, good stuff out there and I am happy to be part of your life in this growth and this development stage. So thanks for joining me. 

01:01 

Let's jump in today. We are talking about correcting and connecting. Love this. So I get up early in the morning to exercise with a really great group of women and this morning we were doing a Chantee Insanity workout which is always a really great one. We're always sweating, right? But the other part I love almost as much as the workout is our discussion. So I don't know, maybe I should call it our word out, right? So we have a workout and a word out all at the same time. We just talk about some stuff but there's several of us in the group who are intimately connected with Brene Brown's work and Byron Cady's work and a whole bunch of other gurus that are thrown in there and we just have some really great discussions about life and relationships and our brains and our bodies. We talk a lot about our thoughts and the thought model and how it impacts our life. Such an impactful group of women in my life and I love it. We have worked through so many personal problems that I'm sure we have saved thousands of dollars on counseling and coaching fees because we work through it all. 

02:05 

But with that we can get brutally honest sometimes when someone is missing the mark and starts blaming others for things that are going on in their lives. So this morning our conversation revolved around when we step on other people's feet with every good intention in the world. Which I'm part of the reason that that was brought up right because I just am so good at this. I have a lot of good intentions but I'm not always really good at at being super tactful about it. And so this was like our discussion. I'm like "hey, listen this is a situation I found myself in and what I did and and it's totally wrong." So this is what we're figuring out. So lest you think I've got all this stuff figured out, no I don't. I'm working on it and I love this process because it helps me to work through it and get my brain in the right place. 

02:52 

But this is a large part of our discussion this morning and the things that we discovered. So. Life coaching and counseling are what two of us in the group have chosen for professions. So we're fairly well-read on topics pertaining to life and handling challenges and we're in a service profession so we often find ourselves wanting to help other people. That's a huge part of our motivation and unfortunately for a lot of people around us in our lives we often want to hand out unsolicited advice. We want to correct ideas that we see are not good or correct thoughts that we see and sometimes we get a little obtrusive with that. 

03:33 

So we talked this morning about our need to apologize to people when we've realized that we've been subversively trying to correct them when their opinions are shared and we feel that they may need some adjustment on those thoughts or those feelings. So this morning as we discuss how we overstep boundaries and sometimes hurt feelings in the process, all well intentioned of course, we work to try and figure out when it is okay to correct because very often our choice is either to correct or connect. 

04:08 

So when we choose to correct we build walls that make connecting very difficult. When someone says something that we believe could use a little adjustment, the natural tendency of so many of us is to correct them by stating a different opinion or telling them how they could do it a different way. Now having a different opinion is a hundred percent okay and it should be okay for us to be able to state a different opinion. So when does it switch from being an opinion to correcting? After all, isn't that the part of how we learn and grow by discussing topics and hearing different opinions that can help us shape our opinion in one way or another? 

04:52 

That's one thing that I really love about our exercise group. We all share different opinions. and ideas. And through that our understanding of and our knowledge of how to apply it in our lives grows and develops. We all walk away with a better understanding of the topic because we've explored and questioned each other about why we believe what we believe in and why we don't believe a certain way and what about this we put all kinds of stuff out there. So in this group we all share ideas and opinions and often we can be quite blunt with each other. But the reason we can do this is because we've already established a relationship of trust in this arena around these topics, right? We already have a strong connection and this allows for more honesty. And we know that when these topics come up we're not questioning each place of anger or frustration. We're coming from a place of love because we know that we want to figure it out. So rather the questioning and the correcting comes as a form of exploration in this group. So if I don't have a strong connection with someone, sharing a different opinion can often come across as correcting, especially when I have to start looking at my agenda or my reason for sharing. 

06:13 

So maybe my reason for sharing is because I'm a little judgmental about their opinion and think that it's wrong. Or I think that I know better because of my experience. So I need to look at my agenda. If I'm coming from a place of love and kindness, it's gonna be very different than if I'm coming from a place of judgment or even a place of frustration. For an example, let's say that we're all sitting around with a group of women. A few we know really well, but several we don't know well at all, so we're just in this group. And then the conversation turns into a somewhat controversial subject. So let's say one of the women makes a comment about how mental illness should only be treated organically and that all pharmaceutical companies are doing is suppressing real cures so that they can continue to make money off of drugs that don't work. 

07:01 

Okay, now there's a lot of people who really believe this and there's a lot of people who don't. Two very different opinions, but let's say for the sake of this example that you believe differently than this woman who put that idea out there. So what is our natural inclination? For most of us, it is to start correcting. So maybe we have a family member or a close friend who has benefited tremendously from using medication to treat mental health concerns, such as depression or anxiety. This is where we will want to immediately jump in with our experience and start making a case. We want to start correcting. But as soon as we start correcting, what does the other person do? They build their wall, they plant their flag, they take a stand, or they shut down and stop engaging and disconnect from the conversation. But either way our desires to correct have cut out, destroyed all chances for connection. In this case our agenda was to change their mind. When our agenda is to change the other person in some way to change what they think or how they feel about something or even about how they do something, we can kiss connection goodbye. 

08:21 

And the thing is it doesn't really matter who here is right or who is wrong or why they believe the way they do. What matters is that correcting without the proper background relationship or connection will ultimately lead to disconnection. So if we want to connect in this situation rather than to disconnect how do we approach it? Well connecting has to be our agenda. The whole reason we are engaging in this conversation has to be to connect. So our response in this situation could be to just get really curious. Obviously someone is not going to have such strong feelings about something like mental health without there being a story behind it. 

09:07 

So we're gonna start asking questions. For example, "it sounds like you've had some experiences with mental health drugs. Why do you feel that way?" A question like this is going to break down the walls or at least build a door where we can begin to understand the other person and why they believe the way they do. And this is where the connection begins by asking questions, by truly wanting to understand the other person rather than wanting to correct the other person. Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People" calls this habit first seek to understand and then seek to be understood. 

09:50 

So maybe when you've asked several questions and the other person's had a chance to explain themselves well, maybe they'll turn around and ask you what your thoughts are. But maybe they won't. They may not be in a place to entertain a different idea or explore their own thoughts more deeply because maybe their situation is so raw and fresh that it's hard for them to see beyond it. And all you can really do at this point is express empathy for their challenging experience. But either way you have established a connection by creating a safe place for the other person to express some deeply helped beliefs, feelings or ideas. 

10:29 

Right? So maybe the situation will open up and you can say "I've had a very different experience with mental health drugs in my family and I'm very grateful for them." And this may be a chance for you to express your experiences and opinions. And because the connection has already been made, an open conversation can ensue. And there's always the possibility that with that open conversation some correction in some piece of information may come forth but maybe not. But hopefully by the end of your discussion both of you have learned something about how to be more open to this topic. Maybe you've both been corrected but that would be because you connected first. 

11:16 

So when we seek to connect or to correct rather than to connect we're almost always creating a place where disconnection reigns. But again what is our agenda for correcting? If it's to prove to them that they're wrong, if it's to to pass judgment or to let them know that I know better, then there's no purpose whatsoever in our sharing. If it's to share your opinion or open a discussion so you can learn then that's a totally different story. 

11:48 

So, with my exercise friends, we question not to correct, but to grow our understanding and figure out more clearly what we believe and how things work. And in the process, correction happens. But our goal isn't to correct. Our goal isn't to show others how they're wrong and to change their mind. It actually becomes part of the connection process. Because once we've discussed and discovered, the connection is actually stronger between us. 

12:20 

But there's another piece to this correcting and connecting conundrum. Every relationship we have exists somewhere on what we call the Pyramid of Trust or the Pyramid of Intimacy. At the bottom of this pyramid, the largest part, are the most people. And these are people we run into in the grocery store or at the gym. People I may or may not recognize. I may or may not exchange some pleasantries with them. But at best, I would call them an acquaintance, right? So, here at the bottom of this pyramid, we experience the least trust and intimacy within relationships. And these are not the people we're going to start telling about our child's drug addiction or our marriage problems, usually. I mean, we may get into that sometimes, but usually not. Our intentions with these people are short and sweet, and sometimes not even sweet, right? Sometimes we just want to get away. 

13:13 

But as we move up the level to level one, level two, these are people that we know better. We probably interact with them more frequently, but we still don't have what we would call a relationship or a friendship. We may be very friendly with them, and we may call them a good acquaintance, but again, we wouldn't generally just start out by telling them all of our problems. We may chat with them for 10 or 15 minutes after church, but it's going to be about more superficial things. And this level is going to have less people than the first level because, look, we're moving up the pyramid, right? 

13:47 

So, again, as we move up to the next level, we're going to have less people, but more intimacy and trust. The farther up the pyramid we go, the more intimacy and trust there is, but the fewer people there are. And as we continue to move up, we have fewer and fewer people, but those people are the ones we can really trust with our most difficult challenges and our thoughts. And the stronger the trust, generally the stronger the connection. 

14:13 

But something to remember, a person in different areas of our lives can exist in different places within that pyramid of trust. For example, my counselor friend that I exercise with. So she and I have a great relationship because we've been exercising and discussing things like this for about three years. We're open, we're honest with each other, and we offer a lot of correction in that space. And we can do this because we have such a strong connection. But remember that the correction  doesn't come about because we're trying to change the other person, but because we're both interested in discovering and learning more about what we're talking about. And these discussions always come about from a place of love, right? We love the other person and we want to to help discover this. 

15:02 

So, however, outside of exercising in the morning, she and I do not hang out socially. She has young kids and is in a different phase of life than me with my youngest being a senior in high school. And I think I've only actually been in her house a handful of times. So, if I were to go over to her house and go inside and start correcting on her on her food prep for dinner or on how she keeps house, I would start breaking down the relationship. Correcting in this context with her would be crossing boundaries and totally not okay. Because in this social context, in being in her home, we don't have a strong relationship. 

15:44 

And so, I know many of you are asking, well what about my spouse or my children? Surely I should be able to correct them. Okay, so I'm going to ask the big question. What is your purpose? What's your agenda in correcting? Are you connected enough that you can have the kind of conversation you want to have? And are you connected in that area? Is your correcting tied to the outcome of them doing what you want them to do? Or is it just to offer more information? If the ultimate goal is to connect, will offering this connection strengthen or weaken the connection? 

16:27 

I think it can be so easy for us to feel as though it's our responsibility to correct the world around us, when really it is way more our responsibility to connect the world around us. And if we will focus on connection first and always, and to set correction to the side, we will start seeing a huge impact in our well-being and in the relationships with those around us, whether they be lower or on the higher levels of our pyramid of trust and intimacy. Because when it comes right down to it, relationships are what matter most in this life. And that comes as we truly seek to connect, rather than to correct. 

17:14 

Alright, growing up is awesome, don't you think? I love it. This morning as we were discussing this, I was like, "oh my gosh," we just made so many connections while we were connecting, right? I loved it. It was really great. If you live in the West Jordan, Utah area and you want to come exercise with us for free in the morning, contact me and let's do it because it's super fun. We have some great discussions and in the summer we exercise at six, but during the school year we exercise at five and it's an amazing experience to start your day off not only with a good physical exercise but a good mental and emotional exercise as well as we almost always do. 

17:55 

Okay, so if you would like some personal help from me, I would love to coach you. Coaching is what I love. Coaching is what I do and I'm great at it and I can help you figure things out. You can go to my website, tanyahale.com, and you can book a 20 minute consultation coaching session if you would like. Or if you just have some questions for me, there's a "contact me" tab on there that you can get in and you can contact me and I would love to help you figure out the things in your life that you feel you may be struggling with help you be more successful. 

18:30 

Alright, so if you have not yet subscribed to this, go ahead and do so. I think that's going to do it for today. Your goal is to focus on connecting today and not correcting. I hope you have a terrific amazing fabulous day and I'll talk to you next time. 

18:50 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!