00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 408, "When You Get Triggered." 

00:21 

Alright, hello there, my friends. So glad to have you here today. I know that it's echoey. Our house is completely cleaned out and packed, and so I don't have a lot of things in here to absorb the sound. So hopefully within 30 seconds or so, your ears will adjust to the echo and it won't be a big deal. 

00:40 

So anyway, welcome to the podcast today. As always, I'm just so glad to have you here and so honored to be part of your journey in learning how to have healthier thoughts, healthier feelings, healthier behaviors that are going to create for you the kind of life that you want to live and the kind of relationships that you want to have. I know that this work has completely changed my life. What I'm living now compared to what I was living 10 or 12 years ago is just unbelievably, shockingly different to me. And I'm so glad that I get to share my journey with you and help you learn and help share with you some of the tools that have made such a significant difference in the life that I'm living right now. 

01:26 

So two things before we start. Talk with Tanya. The next one is going to be May 12th. Those are free. It's just a webinar where you can show up and talk about whatever you want. We had the April one this last Tuesday and it was so good. We spent the entire time talking about staying in your own lane and different scenarios and every one of them came down to, listen, you just got to stay in your own lane. You cannot be trying to take over somebody else's life and trying to make them behave in ways that you want them to behave because it would make your life easier. That's just not how it works. And so learning to honor other people's agency is just so vital. And so I might be doing another podcast on that in the future because that was just reminded me that I haven't talked specifically about staying in your own lane for quite some time. 

02:25 

The other thing that I just want to remind you of is at the end of every podcast for about a year and a half now, I have been putting a list of other podcasts that talk about either similar topics or topics that I have touched on in the course of that podcast. So if you want to dig a little bit deeper into it, go down to the show notes wherever you're listening to your podcast at, and you will find a list of other podcasts that you can listen to of mine, other podcasts of mine that you can listen to that will help to build out this concept more and help you understand what's going on. And I just think that that's really a great tool for you. And I think it's an important tool to use to help you understand the concepts and get closer to where you want to go. 

03:12 

Alright, all of that being said, let's jump into today's topic that I have given the title of When You Get Triggered. Now, I'm going to start off with a caveat here and help you know that I am not trauma-certified in any way. I have not had any trauma certification. And in this episode, we're going to be talking about what to do when we get triggered, but I'm not talking about the really big trauma triggers. Those things need to be brought up with someone who has a skill set, who is capable of dealing with those big T trauma things. What we're going to be talking more about today is just the overall human, I get things trigger me kind of thing. We're going to bring up the sore spots, the difficult responses from us that harm our relationships. So if you have some serious trauma going on, I would 100% suggest that you find a trauma counselor of some sort who can help you work through that at a deeper level than I have the capacity to. But if we're just talking about relationships and the fact that we all get triggered by things, this is what we're going to be talking about today because this applies to all of us. 

04:38 

So I love the idea that the concept of a trigger or being triggered has become a pretty common term in our society. It was not something that we heard when we were kids or even heard for probably, you know, until I was in my late 40s or even  early 50s that I started hearing the term trigger. And I think that this shift in recognizing these types of emotional struggles signifies a positive sign that mental health is becoming more conversational and it's becoming more normalized. And I think that triggers can sometimes also become our scapegoat for explaining away our bad behavior and choosing not to take responsibility for it. And I feel that it's important to find the balance between identifying and understanding our triggers and also taking responsibility for them. 

05:38 

Emotional triggers are often rooted in our interactions with other people and in relationships is where we often discover our triggers. For example, when I got married the first time when I was 23, I thought I was a super, super patient person. And then I realized within the first couple of months of being married that I was not as patient as I thought I was. There were things that were triggering me, not big T traumas, but things that were triggering me that were causing me to not be so patient and causing me to behave in ways that were shocking and surprising to me. 

06:20 

And so this is the kind of stuff that it's often in the relationship that we discover triggers that we may not have known were there. So a critical piece of healing and also of creating intimacy in our relationships is being able to identify and process emotional triggers and to take responsibility for them. Because triggers in relationships can impact our communication, they impact our relational patterns, and they absolutely impact the overall connection that we feel with each other. And if we can get a grasp on the origins, on the manifestations, and on the experiences of our emotional triggers in our relationships, we can create healthier and deeper bonds with the people that we love, with our parents, with our partners, with our friends or our children. We can start to show up more in a way that is in alignment with what we want. 

07:18 

So the first thing that I want to do is talk a little bit about where this word of trigger originates, because I think that's just helpful. So in 1980, I looked this up, so this is all like fancy stuff, but in 1980, the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which I guess is referred to as the DSM, was released. And as part of the PTSD diagnosis, the term 'trigger' was included as a way to explain the onset of flashbacks and other trauma-based symptoms. So that being said, a trigger can be defined as a stimulus that evokes a strong reaction or a response that often stems from a past event. So a stimulus could include memories, experiences, people, or belief systems. 

08:14 

So for example, if someone engaged in military combat and then they watch a film with images that make them remember a moment of trauma during their service, they may respond by feeling tense or anxious or nauseous. That would be the truth. That's where we would say that they were triggered by causing them to feel something now, but it is attached to a past experience. 

08:43 

So here's some ways that we can identify triggers. We need to understand that an emotional trigger is a strong emotional response that is rooted in a deeply felt past experience. So an example of an emotional trigger in a relationship might be the feeling of rejection when a person's partner comes in or leaves the room without any sort of acknowledgement. The person's partner's lack of acknowledgement is the trigger and the emotional response is what has been triggered, which would be like a feeling of rejection. 

09:23 

So when Sione and I were first married, I found that I was triggered. I had a strong emotional response when I received feedback when driving from Sione. So I would experience feelings of not feeling good enough, smart enough, or capable enough, and it was associated with feeling that I was being criticized or attacked. So I didn't even really know that I had this trigger until Sione gave me some driving feedback during our honeymoon. And I found that as he was telling me things about, you know, what lane he thought I should be in or whatever, right? I would get a little bit hot under the collar and I would feel inadequate. I would feel less-than. I would feel as though I was being criticized or attacked. 

10:16 

So my go-to protective mechanism is often to withdraw, to avoid intimacy by shutting down. And so when triggered, when I find myself doing that, avoiding intimacy, shutting down, withdrawing, I can go," oh, wait a minute, I'm being triggered by something." And that's me looking for the physical, emotional, or the behavioral cues that say, "whoa, something's not going on here." Some people may have difficulty breathing or they may start to sweat a lot. They may experience or display  intense fear, overwhelm, or shame. Or in some cases, being triggered may look like withdrawal, crying, disassociation, when a person disconnects or detaches from their personal experience, their thoughts or their feelings. Something along those lines, those can be signs of being triggered. 

11:16 

Now, it wasn't Sione's fault that I got triggered in the car, and it was not my fault. We're not trying to attach blame here. What we need to do is just start to understand. A trigger is something, it's just what happens. It happens as a psychological response to difficult situations in our past. But I believe that it is our responsibility to take responsibility for our own triggers and to work through them in healthy ways. Because if I don't want people pushing my buttons, I need to get rid of the button. Right? The only reason that they can push a button is because there's a button and that button is my responsibility. 

12:07 

So here's some common emotional triggers that can kind of be wide-ranging and will depend, obviously, on a person's individual personal and relational history. But here's some things. And I want us to remember that they are rooted in past experiences that at the time created very difficult emotions. And that now they're coming up as a result of something that is happening currently. So some of the triggers may be feeling unwanted or rejected. For example, if a close friend ignores them or excludes them from social engagements, this person may feel rejected and like they don't belong. And again, it's not even going to be a conscious prefrontal cortex awareness that this is what's happening. It's just going to be a primitive brain triggered gut response to feeling rejected, feeling like I'm not loved, feeling like I don't belong. 

13:12 

And this is where we get to slow down and go, oh, wait a minute, I'm feeling this. What's happening here? Why am I feeling that? And it makes perfect sense to your primitive brain that if you are excluded from a social engagement, you don't get an invitation to something, or if somebody ignores them, that we're going to feel that. And that makes sense and it's easy for us to say, "oh, well, they ignored me, so that's why I felt this way." Rather than if we start digging a little bit deeper, we can go, "oh, I see what's happening here," right? And we can move it more to our prefrontal cortex. And rather than acting from a place of primitive reaction, we can go into prefrontal cortex response. 

14:00 

Alright, another way that they can show up is feeling betrayal or a lack of trust. So if you have a partner that cheats on you, you may feel at this point that it is difficult to trust anybody in your life. Or I often work with clients whose previous spouses committed adultery or had affairs. And so they really struggle, though they want to be in another relationship. They struggle with that because they feel like they can't trust. So this client may start avoiding closeness or believe that they will always be let down. And so they stand back. They have a hard time engaging. 

14:42 

Another way a trigger can show up is by doubting our self-worth. So let's say that a parent is constantly criticizing someone's appearance. This person may then believe that they don't deserve to be treated with respect or that they aren't worthy of engaging in other relationships, even if they're receiving positive support from others, because it always comes back to my worth. "I don't deserve to be treated well." 

15:10 

Maybe they are feeling too needed. So if someone was parentified, meaning that as a young person growing up, they were often put in the parental situation when they weren't the parent, if they felt parentified and they held a lot of responsibility as a young person, a current partner that is codependent may trigger a feeling of being smothered or feeling like they don't have any space in the relationship, like they're responsible for too much. So really quick, here's a definition of codependency that I pulled off for you. It says, it is 'a learned dysfunctional behavioral pattern where an individual becomes excessively, emotionally, physically, or spiritually dependent on a partner, family member, or friend, often neglecting their own needs. This is known as relationship addiction, and it involves enabling destructive behavior, poor boundaries, and a controlling caretaking dynamic.' So if I were to sum that up, I would say that it is excessive dependency within the relationship. Okay, so this is codependence. So a person may feel, if they have a codependent partner, they may feel smothered. Okay, especially if they felt too much responsibility as a young person. It may exacerbate that. 

16:39 

Another thing that can happen is feelings of abandonment. So if a client lost a parent or a sibling at an early age, they may fear future losses. Okay, so if they experience actual or perceived losses now in their life, this may remind them of feeling  abandoned when they were younger in life. And so just being aware of all of this stuff. So these emotional triggers, triggers in relationships are most often linked to our past. Terrence Real refers to this as the adaptive child, and I know that I've talked about this in a lot of past podcast episodes. 

17:18 

But the adaptive child is that when we were children, we had experiences that happened to us, difficult ones. They may have been big T trauma experiences or maybe little T trauma experiences or maybe they were just difficult experiences. But as children, our brains learn to adapt to these difficult situations so that we could survive and make it through things. These are our preconditioned responses to situations. And so as we become adults, we will respond in the same ways that our adaptive child did. And these can be harmful or they can not be harmful. Some of them will be destructive in our current relationships and some of them will just not be. 

18:06 

So not all of our adaptations as children are maladaptive, but it's important to start to become aware of when we show up in maladaptive ways in our current relationships, going back and looking at, well, why do I behave this way? And sometimes we can see these preconditioned responses based on our childhoods. And these responses, though we're, as I recently just said, though they were helpful in our past, they are often not so helpful in our present, in our adult relationships now. They don't serve us. So if we can track the life cycle of a trigger, if we can find the cause, the reaction that we had, the effect and the impact, those types of things, it can empower us in relationships not only to take responsibility for our feelings, but to also become more curious about how our partner is also impacted by their own emotional triggers. 

19:13 

So this is the deal with triggers, though. We may not always be able to identify the cause. And I think with smaller triggers, I think that's okay personally. I think when we get into bigger traumatic triggers, I think working with a certified therapist or a counselor to identify the cause, to figure that stuff out is going to be really important. But for a lot of us in these things that come up for us, I don't think we necessarily always need to understand that whole life cycle of a trigger. But I think it's fascinating, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary for stuff that has not been psychologically damaging. 

19:57 

So the purpose of the trigger, remember, is to alert us of possible or potential danger, right? And when we get triggered, we are not always still in danger. So for example, when I gave that example of Sione and I in the car, in the past, the constant reminder of what I should be doing and why I should be doing it and how I was doing it wrong made me feel like I was in danger, right? And it undermined my own sense of self a lot. So when driving with Sione, he was not ridiculing me or believing that I was incapable of safe driving. He wasn't questioning my skill or my capacity. He wasn't questioning my worth, my intelligence, any of that. In his brain, he was just trying to be helpful in helping me navigate roads that I hadn't driven before and in helping me to navigate busy traffic. 

21:08 

My brain, however, because of my past experiences, interpreted his driving suggestions as dangerous. And I immediately responded as though it was dangerous by getting uptight and by getting tense and by rejecting that type of help. So I have found though that the more in my relationship with Sione that I have grown into the capacity to show up as an equal, to not see myself as less than, then the less threatened I feel when he gives me driving suggestions, when he just tries to help by saying, "oh, did you notice that truck up there? Did you notice the, you know, the flashing lights or whatever," right? That used to trigger me. I used to feel threatened by those. 

22:08 

Now, because I see myself and feel so much of an equal in this relationship, it doesn't feel as threatening. It's not as triggering. So when people in relationships understand the purpose of triggers, which is to protect us from real or perceived danger, then we can build more positive and supportive interactions, and this can result in a more secure attachment with the people in our lives. We are building a sense of security in our current relationships despite having more insecure connections either earlier in this relationship or in previous relationships. 

22:49 

So this is just some fascinating stuff about triggers, isn't it? Just to remember that they generally have everything to do with the past. And so as we come to understand that past and then look at it and say, "whoa, is that still a problem for me? Is that still something I need to be aware of?" Very often the answer becomes "no, I don't at this point in my life," either  because the relationship has changed, my partner has changed, or I have grown into a more self-assertive, strong person. So let's talk about some steps that we can use to work through and to manage our triggers. 

23:30 

The first thing that I want to do is I want us to normalize and neutralize our triggers, right? Of course you respond that way. When I look back at that situation in the car with Sione, of course I got triggered because it brought up past experiences where I felt that I was in emotional danger. Right? And so of course I got triggered. Let's just normalize it and neutralize it. It makes perfect sense that I got triggered. We're not going to make it a problem. We're not going to make it mean anything about our worth or our value or about how strong we are or how capable we are. We're just going to say, "oh, interesting data. Good to know. Good to see. Oh, I haven't seen that one before. I'm so glad that now I see it." This is what we are doing. We're going to normalize and neutralize the triggers. 

24:29 

The next thing that I want us to be able to do is to take responsibility for that trigger. Listen, if I'm getting triggered, that is all me. It is not Sione's job to know where all my triggers are and to walk on eggshells around me so that he doesn't trigger me, right? It is my job to clean up my triggers. It is not my partner's. Now, Sione absolutely gets to say, "oh, that's a trigger for her. That's a point of sensitivity for her. I'm going to, because I love her, I'm going to avoid that kind of discussion or whatever else in the future." 

25:18 

But also, it is not his job to manage my emotions. It is mine. So I think another thing that we need to do when we have these triggers is I think that it's important that we incorporate repentance into this process. I know, so I had a situation in this last year with someone that I showed up in a way that I didn't really love and it was really hurtful for someone else. And as I and I responded from a place of being triggered. And as I reviewed that and looked at it and went back and said, "wait, what was going on for me?" I was able to identify some thoughts that created that trigger of beliefs. Okay, those thoughts are those beliefs that I had that caused me to respond the way that I did in an unkind, even attacking sort of way. 

26:24 

And when I realized that and realized that those thoughts that I had that caused me to be triggered were not even true thoughts or beliefs. It was a thought that wasn't even true, and yet it was creating this trigger. And so as I took that thought and started thinking about it, I realized that I could repent of these untrue thoughts that were causing me to withdraw, that were causing me to harbor a little threat of resentment in my relationship, not only with this person, but with some other people. And as I incorporated that repentance into this cleaning up of my triggers, I just found so much more relief and so much more clarity. 

27:16 

And the last thing that I really want you to look at is to watch out for the victim mentality. Victim mentality is so, so easy for us to step into. And the way that I describe it is that when we are a victim, we are focusing on the problem rather than the solution. Right? So when we're in victim mentality, we think that the other person who is the villain in our story, because if there's a villain, then there's a victim. If there's a victim, then there's a villain, right? And we have to be aware that if I feel like I'm a victim, then I have to say, who's the villain here? And oftentimes we think that the villain has to change their behavior before I can feel better, before I can get unstuck. 

28:06 

But that's just not the case. Otherwise, we are stuck because we have to wait for the other person to change and there's no guarantee that that will happen. But when we become the hero of our story, we realize that the other person gets to act however they want. But I get to, rather than stay stuck in the problem, I can start focusing on the solution. I can start saying, "oh, so this person is doing this. How do I want to respond?" By focusing on the solution rather than the problem, I step into the hero space of my story rather than being stuck in the victim place of my story. So really watch out for victim mentality when you are addressing some of your triggers. 

28:58 

So the other thing I want you to remember as well is we've talked about this from when that your triggers are your responsibility as well as your partner when they get triggered. Those are their responsibility. It is not yours to clean up. And you can also be sensitive and respectful to the fact that this is a difficult thing for them. You can make it safe for them to put it out on the table and not blame them and not accuse them and not attack them for having this trigger, but make it a point of really, I can put this on the table. We can have a great discussion about it. And you just stay hands off about it, right? Like you can ask all the questions. You can validate for sure that, "gosh, I can see where that's so difficult for you. Of course it makes sense that this is so tough," right? You can be sensitive and respectful. And no, keep your hands off because it's not yours to clean up. That's part of staying in your own lane. 

30:03 

So here's some questions that you can ask. And I will put these questions down in the show notes as well, just so that you can refer back to them if you want. These can help to create some clarity around your triggers. So first question, what situations tend to bring out intense emotional responses from me? Next question. Do these situations include specific themes, memories, or experiences? Next, what emotions do I feel most often when I get triggered? Has there been a pattern for what has upset me most throughout the course of my relationships? Okay, this is helping to identify like what are my triggers? What are the patterns that I'm seeing? Okay, next question. What happens when I get triggered? What do I notice when I get triggered? What might the people around me notice? What helps me feel more grounded after a trigger has occurred? What happens when I see my loved one experience a trigger? What helps me feel connected to the other person again after a trigger has occurred? 

31:31 

Okay, those are just some great questions to help create more awareness around the trigger. So the focus on our emotional triggers, we don't want it to be white knuckling the triggers and just holding on and tapping it down and not bringing it up. But rather, we want it to be on understanding our triggers, clarifying their usefulness. How was it useful in the past? And is it still useful today? Maybe it's not. And cleaning up these triggers when necessary, thereby allowing us to create greater self awareness and more intentional behaviors. 

32:12 

So when done in the context of a relationship with our partner, this work also creates a space for increased intimacy and closeness within that partnership. And learning to discuss yours or your partner's triggers and neutralizing them and normalizing them as much as possible is so helpful. Really being clear that your trigger is not about them, that it's about you. Okay? Remember that it is not theirs to clean up, it's yours. And this process really requires some vulnerability, which is a necessary element for creating intimate partnership. It requires that you sometimes sit down with your partner and say, listen, "I look at this behavior that I engaged in earlier with you," the circling back around process, right? "And I see it. I see how I behaved. And I want you to know that that is all about me. It's not about you. I'm noticing that I get triggered when this and this and this happens. And I see that it's useful or it used to be useful. I'm seeing that in this relationship it's not useful." Whatever that conversation sounds like. 

33:33 

Okay, relational work is rooted in promoting a shared alliance between two people. You and your partner are teammates on the same team. You are on the same side of the table. You're not on opposite sides making it you against me. It's you and me against the problem. So if you have a particular trigger that is bringing up stuff, scooting your butts around the table, sitting cheek to cheek and saying, listen, it's you and me against this trigger. So it's you creating a safe space for each other to have triggers. 

34:13 

Of course you're going to have triggers. And a safe space to work on them in the context of the relationship. And when both people in a relationship can create a safe space for the emotional processing of themselves and of their partner, there will be a better chance that each person can respond more positively when they are triggered in future interactions. So the more we can learn and grow from our emotional triggers in relationships, the more connected we can feel with this person, the more intimacy we create in our relationships. Listen, rupture in a relationship and repair is all part of being in a relationship. 

35:03 

And our triggers are all part of that. They're part of us understanding our emotional safeguards and our emotional health and learning how to show up better over time, learning how to heal the parts of us that need to heal, learning how to clean up the parts of us that are fuzzy and muddy the waters. I want you to understand that it is okay that you get triggered. What's hurtful to the relationship is when we do not address the trigger or if we blame the other person. Because addressing it with emotional maturity, with openness and honesty and vulnerability, this improves the chances of increasing the intimacy within your relationship. Being willing to circle back around, to take responsibility for being triggered, rather than blaming or accusing the other person for triggering you. This creates a safer space for your partner when you do get  triggered. 

36:20 

It makes it easier for them to sit side by side, cheek to cheek with you when we don't blame or accuse them. But when we sit by them and we say, "oh, look at this trigger. I see that it hurt you. And I'm working to understand it. I'm working to clean it up in my life." Then that partner is going to feel safe while you work through your triggers. And we also get to create a safe space for our partner. But circle back around. Take responsibility. Step in. Lean into the relationship when you get triggered rather than leaning out. Lean in and pull your partner into your healing process, not in a codependent way, but in a way that says, I trust you to be on this journey of healing with me. And when both of us can start showing up in our relationships that way, it makes a big difference. 

37:25 

And this is a big part of growing up. And I love growing up, don't you? Isn't this just an amazing journey that we get to be on? And I'm grateful that I get to be on this journey with you. So listen, if you feel like you need some help working through this, clarifying this content, incorporating it into your lives, I've got you. This is where I do one-on-one coaching and I have 90-minute coaching sessions set aside for the first time that you meet with me. You can just go to my website, tinyhill.com. You can go to the free consultation tab and you will get 90 minutes of free coaching. We will also take some time to talk about my coaching program and how it might be a really, really great fit for you of helping you move forward. 

38:18 

I find that with my clients, the progress that they make in three to six months of working with me is mind-boggling sometimes of how quickly they can move and how far they can go in such a short amount of time. Just because the weekly sessions that we have that just dive deep into understanding their emotional dysfunctions better, understanding how they're showing up, how they're not showing up, how they're leaning out instead of leaning in. All of this is stuff that is oftentimes just unavailable to our own brains because we live it, we don't see it. It's the air that we breathe, so it doesn't seem dysfunctional to us. But I get to help show you where your dysfunctions are. I know that probably doesn't sound a lot of fun, and that's why I call this capital W work, because it is hard work. But if we want to create these beautiful, intimate, close relationships, we have to clean up all of this stuff. We have to clean it up. And that's what one-on-one coaching has to offer you. If you have more questions, go on, get signed up for one of those free coaching sessions, and let's talk all about it and help you get to a better place. 

39:41 

And I'm going to ask one more thing. If you listen to this podcast a lot, if it is helping and adding value to your life, I would love to have you, one, make sure that you subscribe to this podcast if you haven't, because that makes a difference in other people finding it. Leave a review if you have not, because that also helps other people to find it. And also share this. If you know somebody could benefit from this content, just sharing with them a link or sharing it on your social media or something like that that just says, this content really helped me. 

40:18 

This particular podcast was really amazing for me. Or this podcast as a whole is changing my life. I would love that. That helps other people to find this content, the algorithms of the social media. That's how they work. And so the more you comment, the more you share, the more it suggests this content to other people. Okay. And that, my friends, is going to do it for today. I hope you have a really, really amazing day and I will talk to you next time. Bye.