00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 402, "A Better Way to Validate." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

All right. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. As always, I'm just so glad to be here with you and to be able to share some things that I've been thinking about. If you are listening to this on the day that it comes out, tomorrow is Talk with Tanya, March 10th. And if you want to come to that, you can go to tanyahale.com and you can sign up for that under the group coaching tab. So it starts at 12 o'clock Mountain, 2 o'clock Eastern. The next month, it will be April 14th. So once Tuesday is over, I will get in there and get the dates changed on that. And you can get signed up for the April one. This is just a free webinar. We just sit around and talk about all the things and we get some coaching done. You can come and participate. You can come and listen, whatever you feel comfortable with. It's just a really, really great time to talk about things and learn things and continue to grow in this process. 

01:22 

So that being said, I was going to tell you a little bit about what's going on in my life. Sione took a job on the Big Island of Hawaii. About a year ago we started looking pretty seriously at doing that. And so we are moving in May. So we are getting ready to sell our house here in Indiana. And so we're in that, it gets worse before it gets better stage. And if you've moved, you know what I'm talking about. There are boxes and packing supplies and stuff all over the counters. And it's not a pleasant place to live. And I'm glad that I don't have that all the time. But we're in the middle of that and just really looking forward to moving to Hawaii. 

02:02 

And if things go as planned, when we were there on our way to American Samoa, we put an offer in on a house that has been accepted. And so we are just going through all the financing and the inspections and all that kind of stuff right now. So we are really excited about that and looking forward to that fun adventure in our lives. So that's what's going on for me. Just thought that I would share that because it's a big part of my life. So as is my work here and this podcast, big parts of my life, I love this work so much. And I love that it just continues to unfold for me a piece at a time. 

02:40 

And one thing that in the last three or four months that has really solidified itself in my brain is this idea of validation. Now, I've talked a lot about validation over the years, and we know that we talk about how we all like validation. Come on, validation is great. But we're going to talk a little bit about a different kind of validation today. So validation, what we're looking at is, first of all, nobody can validate me enough to make me love myself. Nobody can strengthen my sense of self through validation. That is just not how it works. Okay, so everybody's sense of self is their own to fix. 

03:26 

If you remember a few months ago, I did a podcast called "You Can't Fill Their Bucket." That's what we're talking about. I cannot strengthen anybody else's sense of self. Okay. So when I validate, that's not what I'm doing. What I am doing when I seek to validate other people is I am seeking to be engaged with them, to connect with them, to show them that I am listening, that I care, that I understand. We're expressing love through the kind of validation that we're going to be talking about today. And we're talking about validation not so much in, "oh my gosh, you're so great. Oh, you're so fabulous. Oh, you're wonderful." We all like to hear that, but that's not what we're talking about today. 

04:12 

What we are talking about today is when you are listening to someone. So we really want to listen to understand. And we're not showing up to build their sense of self or to make them feel better or anything else. What we are doing is we are showing up the way that we want to, being the kind of person that we want to be in the world. And we can't have any expectation  that our validation is going to change their mind or build their sense of self. But it is possible that it can help to create a safe space for them to start to explore when they can put stuff on the table and it's safe for it to be there. Because we don't judge, we don't mock, we don't ridicule, but we just let it be safe. It is a way for helping them to understand that we can see what they're going through, that we are seeking to understand, that it is safe for them to put these things down there. 

05:16 

So sometimes it's hard to validate people because we realize that I can't fix their sense of self. And guess what? You're not supposed to. Nobody is your job to fix, right? Even yourself. You don't have to fix anything. You're not broken. You're just a human figuring things out as we go along, right? So that's one reason it can be hard to validate others. A second reason is because very often when someone is telling something, we may not agree with what the other person is saying. For example, let's say that you're chatting with one of your neighbors and they start talking about another one of the neighbors, right? What we don't want to do is say, "oh my gosh, you're right. I think they're a jerk too," right? Especially if we don't believe that. And yet we say that because we think that that's what they want to hear. That's a definition of people-pleasing, right? 

06:13 

But if we just sit quiet and ignore the comment, it can also feel like we're being unsupportive, like we don't care. And we do care about our neighbor, most likely, right? So we want to be supportive. We want to connect with them, but we also don't want to buy into, "oh, the neighbor's a jerk." But we also sometimes are stuck in this place where we're like, well, I don't know what to do. We want to actually find a place that is loving and supporting of them while not agreeing with what they're saying if we don't agree with it. And maybe even if we do, it's best to keep our mouths shut anyway. We'll talk about that a little bit later. 

06:52 

But remember that we can create connection even with people that we don't agree with. And we create it by seeing and hearing them, by seeking to understand them. And part of this comes from learning to validate while we are in conversation with others. So validating can be the space of seeing and understanding them and also possibly not agreeing with them. What we want to learn to focus on then when we're chatting with people is the feelings that they are expressing rather than the thoughts that they are expressing. 

07:31 

So for example, if a neighbor says, "oh my gosh, they are such jerks, they let their dog poop on our lawn and they never clean it up." So if we jump into the drama, we might say something like, "oh my gosh, that's ridiculous. That's so disgusting. And I can't believe they would be so disrespectful and nasty," right? We might jump right into the drama and then we can start an all-out neighbor bash. And I'll tell you what, neighbor bashing might feel very good at the moment we're doing it, but as soon as we walk away, it leaves like this nasty taste in our mouth. It never feels good when we're done bashing somebody else. So even if you have had the same experience, even if their dog has pooped on your lawn, gossiping about the neighbor and bashing the neighbor will leave you feeling hollow, empty, petty, mean. It's not going to settle well for most of us because that's not the kind of person that we really want to be. And when we start showing up in a way that is out of alignment with the kind of person we want to be, our confidence takes a hit, right? Our sense of self is going to be rocked a little bit. 

08:47 

But let's say that you actually really like the neighbor and you want to connect with them. It's also hard to just stand there when they're telling you about the other dog pooping on their lawn and not say anything, or to just even just turn and walk away, or to call them out and say, "you shouldn't talk about people that way." Like all of that just does not feel like it's going to land either. And this is where the validation that I want to talk to you about today, this is where this comes in, because we're going to start validating people's feelings. 

09:24 

So rather than their thoughts, their thought is "they're a jerk and they shouldn't do this." We're not going to validate that. What we're going to validate is what is the neighbor feeling when the other neighbor doesn't clean up the dog poop? Do they feel frustrated? Do they feel disrespected, annoyed, angry? By really listening to understand, you'll be able to pick up on what they're feeling. Then, rather than validating the thought, like, "oh my gosh, they are such jerks, I can't believe they would do that," we can instead validate the feeling and say something like, "wow, it makes sense that that would make you angry." Or "wow, you seem super frustrated with that situation." 

10:08 

So notice we're homing in on the feelings of anger or frustration. So this type of response helps the other person to feel seen and heard, but it does not draw you into the gossip or the neighbor bashing. And maybe you don't find unidentified dog poop on your lawn, so there isn't any reason for you to feel the angst. But again, validating the feeling the other person is having helps them to feel understood without you having to tell them that they're wrong because you think the neighbor is great or you also don't need to lie and to people please. You don't have to do any of that. 

10:50 

When we validate the feeling, we are being honest. We're also showing up equal, not a one-up or a one-down place. We are listening without judgment and we're offering grace for both of the other parties. Okay, grace for the neighbor who's telling us this and grace for the person whose dog is doing the pooping. 

11:15 

Okay, so this concept of validating feelings rather than thoughts works with everybody in your life. We will never agree with every person that we run into in our lives, whether they be distant strangers or our closest, most intimate family members. Even if we love them and we want to connect with them, we will never agree with everybody on everything. But we don't have to in order to feel connected to them. We can connect through validating their feelings. And you don't even need to validate the thoughts, remember, if we don't agree with the thoughts. 

11:51 

And sometimes we can feel as well stuck between two people that we really love when both of them are telling us different stories. For example, maybe between your spouse and one of your children. So maybe they're having a disagreement and you're the one that they both want to vent to about it. And it can feel super tricky in those situations to know what side do I take? Well, guess what? You don't have to take any side because this is not your relationship. It is not your problem to solve. When people bring you these kinds of situations, we don't have to fix anything for them. We're not supposed to. What we get to do is create a safe space for them to put all of their stuff on the table and maybe ask some good questions so that they can figure out their own answer. But being connected to them means that we need to engage at some level. We can't just stand back and ignore that they're saying anything. 

12:52 

So let's look at this example. So let's say that your daughter is talking all about her dad and how ridiculous and controlling he's being. She might go on and on about how he doesn't care, that he is trying to fix all of her problems, that he's not listening to her, and the story could go on and on and maybe even circle around and around and around, right? And listen, from her perspective, probably all of that is true. Now, in reality, it may not be true, but from her perspective, it is. And we want to honor her perspective. 

13:27 

So if we immediately launch into explaining away his behavior, telling her that she's misjudging him, actually telling her that she's wrong about him and his intentions, though your dad really loves you. Like all you're going to do is shut her down. She will feel unheard, unseen, misunderstood. And that is not a recipe for connection, for creating stronger relationships. And if you're interested in a really strong relationship with your spouse, you're also not going to throw him under the bus. "Oh my gosh, yeah, your dad. Boy, he's a jerk. Boy, he's never been good at listening to me either." We don't want to go to any of that place either. We want to value our spouse at all costs and we want to protect them. But we also love our child and want to protect our child. 

14:22 

So what we want to do is to be able to offer grace to both of them. Listen, they're both humans. They both make mistakes. And you love both of them desperately. So grace, offering grace for your spouse means that you don't commiserate with your daughter about what a horrible person he is. And grace for your daughter means that you don't blow off her struggles and her concerns. 

14:50 

So the place here where you are able to be loving and supporting of both of them and stay out of the middle of their relationship is to learn to listen and validate emotions, and not the thoughts. So in this situation, it might sound like, "wow, that situation with your dad sounds like it really upset you." Or maybe "I can see that you're really frustrated with how that conversation went with your dad." Here's another one: "oh, it makes sense why you'd be so annoyed with the outcome of  that discussion." 

15:24 

So notice, you never threw your spouse under the bus. You let your daughter know that you were listening and that you can see her perspective. You let her know that you can see the struggle that she's going through. You're validating her emotions, right? Her emotions of being upset, of being frustrated, of being annoyed, right? Then you might want to follow that up with one or two sentences of empathy. Something like, "oh, I know it's hard when it feels like someone is trying to fix things for me. I get it." Right? We're letting her know that I've had a similar experience. "When somebody tries to fix things for me, yeah, I don't like it either." But that's it. That's all you're going to say. One, maybe two, sentences of empathy. We're not going to go into a two-minute story about, "oh, yeah, when me and my dad..." and tell a story about that, right? Just a sentence or two that says, "I get you. I know how frustrating it is when somebody's trying to fix you." 

16:30 

Okay. So this is how we show up for our daughter. So let's say that then later that night, your husband brings his side of the story because he wants to process it with you. Again, remember that his relationship with your daughter is between them. You don't belong in the middle of it. He might say things like, "oh, she's just so selfish" or "she's just so short-sighted. She doesn't listen. All she wants to do is complain." Those types of things. And again, you love your daughter. You want to keep your relationship with her safe and you don't want to throw her under the bus either. So in order to offer grace to both of them, you might say something like, here we go. Here's the validation: "Sounds like it's really hard for you when she doesn't listen to your advice." Right? Just validating the feeling that this is hard. Or maybe something like, "it does sound frustrating that she just kept circling around the same situation over and over." Validating the frustration, right? And if appropriate, again, throw in a sentence or two of empathy. "Gosh, I know it's hard for me too when I feel like I have things to offer and nobody wants to listen." 

17:45 

Right? Not going into a whole big story, just saying, "I get the feeling of hard. I get what it's like when you feel like you have something of value and nobody wants it." We're not going to talk about a long story about how all that worked out for you. Just a sentence about how you have felt similar things in the past. You get to be loving and kind to both people. You get to support both people. And you also get to not be pulled into the middle of their personal challenge. Stay in your lane. Offer grace to both of them for the struggle of humans dealing with humans, people seeing things different than other people, and validate their feelings, not their thoughts. 

18:34 

Okay, so I'm going to put in the show notes some podcasts about thoughts and feelings so that you can clean up a lot of that. So if you've not been following me for very long, I have a lot of podcasts in the past that talk about the thought model, that talk about thoughts and feelings, that talk about validation, all of this kind of stuff. And I'm going to put those down, those podcasts down in the show notes. And I really want to encourage you to broaden your understanding of this basic work of what's going on here by checking out those show notes, going to those podcasts. This is all just information that is so valuable. 

19:11 

As I have grown up into my middle age, after my divorce, gosh darn it, I really went through the fire. Like the divorce was hard for sure. And the years before the divorce, actually all 24 years of my marriage were super, super tough. But especially those last few years when you're trying to make the decision, when you think or even know that it's close, it's just so hard. And then actually making the decision, pulling the trigger, so, so tough. And it took me a while to kind of get my feet underneath me after my divorce. 

19:49 

But when I started learning what really creates healthy, good relationships, it just blew my mind. My mind was so open to a new idea of how to behave, how to show up, how to be an equal in relationships. And as I've been able to bring all of these tools into my relationship with Sione, I have been blown away by the relationship that we're able to create. And so as you do this work for you, I just really want you to not just listen to podcasts, but I want you to really start implementing these tools. 

20:30 

And I will tell you, coaching is such a valuable tool. It has helped me to create the life that I am living now. So, and it's a process. It takes time, but we have to do something that lays a foundation of strong skills and we have to start moving in the  direction that we really want to move. 

20:57 

So let me give you something that Sione and I were talking about earlier this week. I was telling him that when I got my certification through the life coach school, it cost me, I don't remember, I couldn't remember the exact number, but somewhere around $20,000 to get my certification. And that seems like so much money. And it was. I was single at the time. I had some alimony coming on. I was teaching school. I wasn't making a ton of money. And yet I recognized the value of what was going on. The greatest value. Yes, I learned amazing tools. Yes, I learned how to do this work that I adore and that I love so much. But the greatest value for me was that it changed the way that I think. It changed the way that I view the world. It changed the way that I see people around me. The whole trajectory of my life shifted and continues to shift because of this work. And it is shifting me to a direction that I really want to be in. It is helping me to live more in alignment with the person that I really want to be. 

22:10 

That is the huge value of coaching. I do not look at the world the same way that I used to. Not even close. I do not feel the same way. I do not look at other people the same way. Everything has shifted for me because of my willingness to invest in that coaching. And I want you to know that you can do the same thing. I am not a unicorn here, but I was willing to invest in order to create something, to create the life that I really wanted to live. And it wasn't just an investment in money. It was an investment in time. It's an investment in energy. I listen to so many podcasts every week. I seek to implement. I have two groups that I meet with on a weekly basis, other coaches and some counselors as well, who we hash out concepts and ideas and we talk about things and we figure all this out. I work with a coach. This is the kind of stuff that is necessary in order for me to continue to grow and progress. 

23:28 

And I want to offer that if you really want to dig into this work and get a jump start, coaching is a brilliant place to start. And I would love to invite you to work with me and to get some work done that will change the trajectory of your life, that will create the kind of life that you really want to have. Okay, so if you want to talk to me, go to my website, tanyahale.com. On the very top, there's a tab that says free consultation. You can get on my calendar. Let's talk about coaching. Let's talk about how to create this life that you really want to live. What do you need to invest in order for you to create this and to be living something different, to get unstuck from where you tend to be? How can you really start implementing these tools in a way that will change everything? That's what we're talking about. 

24:27 

Okay, my friends, have an awesome, awesome week, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

24:36 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email, a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend. And learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.