00:00 

This is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale, and this is episode number 40, "The Secret to the Universe." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hello there. How are you today? I am glad to be here with you. This is a gorgeous day outside. I actually worked on this podcast this morning, and then I had some lunch and went for a beautiful walk outside. It is full-on summer here, finally. It's taken a long time, but it's beautiful. And now I came back and ready to move on this. So, I hope that you are having a great summer as well. If you get time off, I think that's fabulous. If you don't, what a great thing that you get to keep doing things that you love, hopefully. 

00:51 

And we're going to start talking today about The Secret to the Universe. Alright. So, this is the day that we're going to figure it all out, right? The Secret to the Universe. Okay. Well, maybe not the universe, but we're going to figure out your life, our lives, and that's pretty much our universe, right? So, I want you to take a minute and think about the things in your life that most get underneath your skin. Okay. Got a couple of ideas? Alright. So, now I want you to take a little bit of time and think about how often you are getting annoyed by these types of things. Alright. So, notice I didn't say how often are they happening, but how often you get annoyed. Because there's a huge difference here. 

01:38 

Here's the deal. Things are always going to happen. Life is 50-50, right? 50% great stuff going on and 50% difficult stuff going on. But difficult, let me take a side note here. Difficult does not have to mean negative or horrible. It just means more challenging. Sometimes we associate those types of situations as negative because they're difficult. and they don't always feel good. But that doesn't mean they're negative. Sometimes, even though they're challenging, they can be some of the greatest, most positive experiences that can happen to us, okay? There's the end of my digress, okay? 

02:13 

So back to the things that get under your skin and how often you get annoyed by them. This is the first part to the secret of the universe, realizing that you have complete control over all of it. Now, you don't have control over the circumstances, but you definitely have control over how you think about it, about the emotions or the feelings that you have in response to that, and about the actions that you choose based on those feelings. 

02:42 

So let's give an example. Let's say that you go out to your car in the morning and you see that it has a flat tire. That's a circumstance that you don't have control over. But your thoughts surrounding that flat tire are really what create your life and hence your universe, right? So many people will respond with a thought that says something like, "why does this always happen to me?" Or "I just do not have time for this this morning?" Or maybe they'll start to blame their husband or wife or whoever drove the car last. "How in the world could they let this happen? Where were they driving?" So let's take a look at where these thoughts end up, shall we? Where do we end up with because of these? 

03:22 

So the thought, "why does always happen to me?" First of all, let's have a reality check. Does this always happen to you? Do you really wake up every day, go out to your car, and there's a flat tire? Most likely not. So it doesn't always happen. There's a reality check. And does it always happen just to you? Nope. Lots of people every day get flat tires. That's why there's so many tire stores around town, right? And last, when we want to look at that question, what is the underlying message of that phrase? That your life is so horrible that you never get a break? Is that true? Do you really never get a break? I think we'd be hard pressed to find people who absolutely never get a break. But the saddest part about that comment is where it takes us emotionally. We make the comment, "why does this always happen to me?" And then we start feeling self-pity, a right? If we think, "I don't have time for this in the morning," then we could get a feeling of anxiety or irritation. If we started blaming somebody else, then we would feel frustration or resentment toward that person. 

04:33 

So what behaviors do we engage in when we have feelings of self-pity, anxiety, irritation, frustration, resentment? Well, we might start acting out physically by kicking or punching something, right? Maybe we start yelling at the car or at the nearest person. Maybe we even start cussing at the car when the car is just doing what a car does, waiting for us to drive it, right? The ultimate result here is that the situation doesn't get any better when we freak out. We may vent some frustration or anger, but those feelings only came because of unchecked thoughts that spawned them. We often actually end up acting in ways that bring more difficulty to our lives rather than less. When we yell at the tire service person, not only do we start feeling bad for unjustly abusing them, but they may be so irritated at your actions that they work a little slower than they could just to spite you. 

05:31 

I just experienced this last week where I was super frustrated and upset and I didn't speak as kindly to the person on the phone as I generally do. Almost always do. I could just feel them pushing back, so it made the situation worse. Or, maybe when we yell at our spouse for something in the morning, we set up our evening for a night of irritated banter and maybe even a full-blown fight. When we allow our thoughts to go unchecked into a danger zone, we will often create more problems than we had in the first place and we self-fulfill the thought, why does this always happen to me? Because now more is happening because of our behaviors. Okay, you with me? Alright, we create so much of the drama in our lives by believing thoughts that are just not true or that aren't helpful. 

06:27 

So does that mean we should be excited about having a flat tire? Well, not necessarily, but maybe some people would be. Maybe somebody had a meeting at work they didn't really wanna go to and now they get to call in and they have a valid excuse to be late and they get to miss the meeting. Or maybe they were headed out to meet somebody that they realized they really shouldn't or didn't want to after all. And this is the perfect way to get out of it, okay? So maybe somebody will be excited about having a flat tire, but that's not gonna happen all the time, right? 

06:53 

But when difficult things happen, we don't have just two choices; we're not stuck between choosing between super angry or giddy. It's amazing that there's a whole world of thoughts and choices out there for us to choose from. So how about a more neutral response? Something like, "huh, wasn't planning on that. Looks like I'll have to reschedule that meeting." Or we might think something like, "I'm glad that didn't blow out while I was driving down the interstate this morning." That's coming from a place of gratitude, right? Will these types of things like flat tires inconvenience us? For sure, but it's way more inconvenient for us to fly off the handle about something we can't control than to take a breath and see it for what it is. It's way more inconvenient for us to be angry and frustrated all day and snap at everyone we come in contact with. It's only an inconvenience because it will rarely be the end of the world. So we need to stop acting like it is. We need to stop thinking that it is. 

07:58 

Okay, but tires and stuff are one thing, and people are another, and people are where it gets more challenging. And if you notice, most of our toughest situations in life center around other people. So if we can learn to control our thoughts about other people and the circumstances surrounding them, we will change our universe. Really? If you're wanting to get worked up into high drama situations, frequently living with overwhelming feelings of frustration or irritation or annoyance because of other people, this podcast today is just for you. 

08:36 

Alright, I love that in one of Brene Brown's works, I don't remember which one...I've listened to so many or read so many. But she talks about the horrible things that people do and how there was one time that she was super angry and annoyed by a particular situation. And she was talking to her therapist about it, and her therapist suggested that people were doing the best that they could. And Brené was having a really hard time with that concept and was even pretty angry about it. And so in trying to figure it out she decided to conduct an informal survey and started asking all kinds of people if they thought that people were doing the best that they could. And as part of this surveying people she posed the question to her husband and his response was something something similar to "I don't know if they are or not but I know I'm a better person when I believe they are." 

09:25 

Okay, isn't that an amazing way to start thinking? That I'm better for thinking that regardless of what they're doing. This is the whole process of learning to be aware of our thoughts. We can't control what anyone else does or feels or thinks but we can control us. Maybe the other person isn't doing the best they can but if I believe that they are and I tell myself they are I will respond with much more compassion and kindness than if I believe they aren't and then I respond with anger and frustration. And when I respond with compassion and kindness I just feel so much better. I feel better because my emotions are more positive but I also feel better because my self-respect increases. I'm doing good and I'm on a good path and I responded in a way that I feel awesome about. One of those times where you go "bam! I handled that so good. I'm feeling so great about that." 

10:29 

So part of what brings peace in this life is learning to control our own thoughts and feelings and learning to try learning to let go of trying to control somebody else's thoughts and feelings. So maybe they're not doing the best that they can but that's not my business...it's theirs. My job, my business, is to learn to be in control of my thoughts and feelings during whatever circumstances I may find myself in. When other people behave badly, it's not my job to correct their behavior or try to tell them they're wrong. My job is to learn to control my thoughts about their behavior. Their behavior goes into my C line, my Circumstance line, right? "They said this, they did this," that's the circumstance. And then I get to choose how I want to think about their behavior and those thoughts then create the feelings, and those feelings then create the actions, right? 

11:32 

Now there are going to be some exceptions here when it comes to parenting or being the boss. Because in those situations, we will need to be responsible for enacting consequences. We have a responsibility there. However, I can still be in charge of how I feel in response to the behavior. I can still choose to enact consequences from a place of kindness rather than a place of anger and frustration. This is the key to the universe, okay, learning to respond from a place of love and kindness rather than a place of anger and frustration. 

12:10 

So let me give you an example. As a school teacher of eighth graders, I love them by the way, they are my favorite, those eighth graders just crack me up and they are so much fun, but I get a huge variety of students every single day, students from kids who are just angels to students who are doing everything to intentionally incite me, right, and make me frustrated or upset or they're trying to cause problems. So I get a huge variety. So let's say that I have a student who's usually pretty good, who's acting out in some pretty disruptive ways one day. When I have the thought, when I look at their behavior, that becomes my circumstance, right, for them it's their action, but for me it's my circumstance. Their action moves into my circumstance line. So the circumstance is "I have a student who says such and such or who does whatever," okay, then I can choose to have a thought. So when I have the thought that they're intentionally trying to disrupt my classroom and they're being disrespectful to me, then my feelings get all worked up in a negative way and I'm likely to take the student into the hall and get on their case about their behavior, try and call them out about it, right. But when I look at that student and think that they're probably doing the best they can, my thoughts are completely different and I start to feel a huge amount of compassion for them because I think of the circumstances that they are responding to. 

13:43 

And here's just some that I found over the years. Maybe they just found out that their parents are getting divorced. Maybe they had a huge fight with their mom on the way to school. Maybe their hormones are just super jacked up today and they didn't sleep at all last night or they haven't really eaten since yesterday's school lunch. Maybe their parents or someone else is abusing them in some way. Maybe they just broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend or they're having a fight with their best friend. Maybe one of their parents got arrested last night or the drugs and alcohol are so prevalent in their home that they're getting sucked in and they're feeling out of control and on and on and on, right? It could be any multitude of stuff. 

14:26 

So maybe the kid is trying to disrupt my class on purpose. But regardless of whether they are or not, let's look at the difference of the outcome for each of my responses. When I think that they're doing it on purpose, I'll call them out, take them out in the hall with some attitude, I'll get on their case. And what's their likely response? From experience I can tell you they're going to get defensive, they may start arguing with me, they'll start blaming somebody else and possibly me, and it all starts to escalate and the outcome is not going to be good ever. It will break down the relationship I have with them and  make it so much harder for me to connect with them tomorrow. Now I don't care if you're doing this with a student at school or if you're doing it with a spouse or your own child or a neighbor or a friend when I respond with an attitude toward them with a negative attitude it's always going to start escalating into this type of thing. It's going to break down the relationship. It's going to make it harder to connect. 

15:30 

Okay, but let's look at the outcome if I believe they're doing the best they can within their circumstances. So first of all, I'm not going to call them out in front of the class but rather I'm going to come over and quietly, just so they can hear, I'm going to ask them to meet me in the hall. Then when we're out there, with compassion, I express concern that their behavior is not what it usually is and that has me concerned that something might be wrong. I let them know how much I appreciate having them in class and how much I enjoy them and how they usually are just doing so well and that today they're not and so I'm worried about them. 

16:06 

And I will tell you from experience that I have rarely had a compassionate response rejected. These are 14 year old kids right? Often the students are going to tear up, even the boys, and they're going to say that something's going on and it's rough and they're sorry or they might just say "I don't know what's going on. I just don't. I just feel weird," you know whatever but I'll let them talk if they want to talk or I ask them if they want to go see a counselor. But my compassionate response opens a door of trust. It helps me to connect with my students on a personal level and it builds respect on both sides. 

16:48 

This happens in every relationship in our lives. If we want to connect with people, we have to connect from a place of love and compassion. And not only does my student walk away from this experience feeling as though someone saw them and heard them and loves them, so now they're more empowered to do what they need to do, but I walk away feeling like a rock star because I responded to a difficult circumstance with loving thoughts and feelings when it was hard to do so. I'm making some progress and that always feels good. Okay, the easy response is to think that they're just being ornery and trying to get me angry. To not exert any control over the thoughts I'm thinking, that's easy. To believe the thoughts that come so quickly and easily to my brain, that's easy. But so often, our initial thoughts are just not true; they will lead us down a negative thought path that destroys relationships. And even if they are true, guess what? It's not helpful to keep thinking them. The more difficult response is to slow down our reaction, reject the initial negative thought, and choose to think that they're doing the best that they can. 

18:10 

Okay, this can be super hard at first, especially if you're prone to always jumping on that first thought and running away with it. But the more you become aware of what your brain is thinking, the more your brain's going to start slowing down and creating the kinds of thoughts you want to create. You may not even notice that you're in this negative thought model until you're already into the action line part of it. So I could be out in the hall letting this 14 year old have it before I realize what's even going on, right? And at this point I go, "oh my gosh, what am I doing? Why am I responding and treating this kid this way," right? So at this point I need to sit down and I need to think about how did I get to that action. 

18:53 

This is what we call doing the thought model, doing some self-coaching, right? And if you haven't listened to the self coaching podcast, go back and listen to it because this is what's happening here. So I have, I catch myself in this action that I'm not happy with. So then I go back and I say, "okay, so what feeling was I having that caused the action?" In this instance, probably anger or frustration or some similar, something similar to that. And then I have to ask, "well what thought did I have that caused the anger or frustration?" And that's going to go back to probably something like "they're being disruptive on purpose" or "they're disrespecting me." 

19:29 

So being able to trace my behaviors back to my thoughts is an incredibly powerful exercise for our brain. Your brain will now start to be more aware of what's happening and it's going to start slowing down. So a few more times of this and you're going to start noticing what's going on in the feeling part rather than getting all the way to the actions part. And then over time you're going to start catching yourself in the feelings part, or you're going to start catching yourself in the thought part rather than the feeling part, right? So little by little you're going to start working up that thought model. And it's a process, but it's an unbelievable process that changes our universe. And it creates in us the kinds of feelings we want to have and the kinds of actions we want to exhibit, okay? And very often a more compassionate and loving response will change the whole situation. And when that happens we have shifted our universe. 

20:25 

Now lest you think I'm perfect at this, I've had a lot of practice doing this in the classroom. So in the classroom my brain knows to slow down and it knows to think about the students in that case and to think about all the options of how they're doing the best that they can. I will tell you that in real life, I still struggle with that. In fact, even just today, just on my walk that I was on an hour ago, my friend and I were walking and we stopped and chatted for a minute with someone who's struggling with something and they said a comment and rather than responding with love and kindness, my response was to just blow them off. And I actually said something that at this point I'm looking at it and I'm going, "oh, that was a little bit hurtful." And I kind of went on and my friend actually wasn't listening at this point. But it's about 10 minutes into our walk I went, "oh my gosh, you know what I just said?" And I was like, "listen to what I just said." My friend was like, "oh yeah, that wasn't very good." I'm like, "I know." I said, "when am I gonna learn to figure this out?" 

21:36 

The thing is, the more I'm aware of it, the more I'm gonna start paying attention. In this classroom, it's easy for me because that's a very controlled situation, right? Where I have learned that those types of behaviors come up all the time and so I've learned how to respond. When things come at us from the outside that we're not expecting, often times we catch ourselves doing stuff, right? So now I get to go talk to someone and make an apology for not responding in a loving and kind way but rather in a more curt and impatient way. And that wasn't nice but I'm still working on it. As we all are, right? If any of us were perfect at this, there would be no reason for us to still be here on earth because we'd have it all down. But we're all still working on it and that's just part of it. 

22:28 

But the thing that I love is that over time, the more that I've seen the effects of this in the classroom, I've seen how it creates in me the kind of person that I really, really want to be. And I'm working on doing that more in my everyday life and doing it in situations where I'm not anticipating them coming up. But when I can change and respond in a more compassionate and loving response...I think of the situation today. I could have responded very easily with saying "wow, that sounds like it's quite a struggle for you," and yet I didn't respond with any empathy whatsoever and it would have changed the whole situation and it would have have created a space for for love and kindness and connection and instead I did just the opposite. 

23:19 

So you know what, we're all working on it and it's a process and some areas of our lives we're going to do really good and some we're not. But that's okay! The more we can learn to respond that way the more we're going to shift our universe. So brilliant right? When I really see my thoughts in action, when I recognize their power, when I choose what to think, then everything starts to shift. Everything starts to align the way I always want them to align in my head and my heart. I know how I wanna be. I know the loving, kind person that I envision myself being, and I'm not always that person. But little by little, I'm making connections and I'm figuring out how to become that person. I'm figuring out how to create the kind of life and relationships and connections that I really want. 

24:15 

So as I close up today, just a reminder, all of this that we talked about today, fixing your universe by choosing our thoughts and by getting to the point where we do that intentionally, all of this is not saying that we should not be setting healthy and clear boundaries with people in our lives. Boundaries are a must if we want healthy relationships. But when we set boundaries based on feelings of love and compassion, rather than on feelings of anger and frustration or resentment, it's a very, very different experience with a much more positive outcome. If you haven't listened to the three episodes on boundaries, I would suggest you go back and listen to those podcasts. Some great information there. 

24:58 

Alright, growing up is awesome. I love figuring out how to be a better person and how to grow on my path. It's pretty great. So if you want some help, you can call, you can get on my website at tanyahale.com. You can go to the "coaching" tab and you can sign up for a free 20 minute coaching session. I would love to help you out with this or help you out with anything else you may be struggling with. If you haven't subscribed to this yet, get on it. Let's get subscribing and let's do some good stuff and let's share this with people who we feel can really benefit. I hope that you have a really, really terrific day and I hope that these thoughts are helping you to connect more with who you really want to be. And move into that space of  creating the person and the life, creating the universe. reverse that you want to have. Alright, enjoy, have a great one, bye. 

25:50 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.