00:00 

Hey there! Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 397, "The Relationship Bucket." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:25 

Alright, hello there, my friends. I am just super glad to have you here today. I am coming to you from American Samoa. Sione and I have been here for coming up on two weeks now. He started doing some humanitarian work here a long time ago, 13, I don't know, 15 years ago, something like that. And I get to be the happy recipient of the relationships that he's built here and get to come visit. And we, the last few years have come for about a month while he does some work here. And I just do my work from our little apartment that we have here. And it's delightful. 

01:03 

I will say that this trip, it has been downpour rain. So much of the time that we've been here, we haven't been able to get out as much as we generally do going down to the coast and watching the sunset and that kind of stuff. It's been really rainy, but it still is 80 degrees out there. And right now, Indiana, where I'm from, is not supposed to get above freezing for the next two weeks. In fact, my daughter, who lives about three hours away in Lexington, Kentucky, texted us this morning and was like, "yeah, four degrees this morning." And I was like, oh, I'm so glad I'm not there. But here we are in American Samoa. We have just over a week left. And then we're going to go spend a week in Utah on our way back. Sione was hoping to get a week's worth of skiing in, but not sure that's going to happen with the snow there this year. But we'll be visiting some family and friends there, and then we'll be back to Indiana. 

01:57 

And I've mentioned this on my weekend win, if you get that, and if you read it, but then we're going to be putting our house up for sale shortly after we get back. And we are moving to the Big Island of Hawaii this spring. So we are super excited about that option. And we have been there looking at houses and trying to figure out where to live and how to live and all the things that are going on. And it's just this beautiful, like, who gets this kind of life? And Sione and I ask each other that all the time. We just look at each other and we go, "who gets this? Who gets this life?" And then we're like, "I guess we do," right? 

02:35 

We've both done a boatload of work on our own to get our lives cleaned up, to start to take responsibility for the way that we live and the way that we treat people in our lives. And that doesn't mean we're perfect at it by any means. We are far, far from perfect, but we really keep it on our radar. We really work at cleaning up our stuff all the time. And we work all the time at showing up in this relationship in a beautiful way. So the fact that I get to have a beautiful adventure like moving to Hawaii with Sione is just so exciting for me. So that's just a little bit of personal stuff on the side. 

03:13 

Let's jump in. Next Talk with Tanya is going to be on a Wednesday this time. I usually do it on a Tuesday, but we're going to be traveling on February 10th. So February 11th is the next Talk with Tanya. So if you want to attend that, you're going to need to go to my website, go to the group coaching tab, and there will be a place there where you can sign up for this free webinar. It's just a show up. It's open to anything. Ask questions, want to talk about things, want to get some coaching, want to just listen to other people talk about things and get coaching. That's great too. It's all fabulous and would love to have you join us there. We have some really amazing discussions. The last couple of months, we've talked a lot about adult kids and how do we manage those relationships and show up in those relationships because they can be super challenging at times. 

04:06 

The other thing I want to let you know is first week of March, I am going to be starting two more Sense of Self classes. And these are the classes that I'm landing on because they are so pertinent to this work that we do. We cannot have good  relationships with others if we do not have a good relationship with ourselves, because if I'm insecure, it is showing up in dysfunctional ways in my relationship. And so these sense of self-classes are just so foundational. If you have not taken one, I would highly, highly suggest this as a starting point to really help you get your feet on the ground. And guess what? If you have taken one, I would even suggest considering taking another one, taking it again, because every time I've taught it, I've taught it seven times so far, we have had every seven, each seven class has had a completely different discussion around the same topics. And it's just, it's really good, very insightful. I have learned something in every one of those classes. So if you want to take it again, I think that would be great. 

05:18 

And I'm also doing some a pricing option this time that will be a little bit different as far as if two of you want to sign up for a class. So maybe you have a friend that wants to take it or you and a spouse want to take it or if you want to take both time periods and double up on the class. I think that that's a brilliant way to move as well. And if any of that interests you, I'm going to have that price point up. So I don't believe that they're up on my website yet, but hopefully another week. And we'll see. 

05:46 

And then the last thing I want to remind you of before we start is that at the, if you go to the show notes on whatever platform you're listening to this podcast on, go down to the show notes. And I, a little over a year ago, started putting other podcasts that build on or give foundational information for the podcasts that you currently listen to. And I think that this is one of the best resources that I have provided for you in the last couple of years, free resources, because there's so many things that I talk about that are layered with all kinds of concepts. And to really understand the concept better, we need to go back in and understand other concepts. 

06:32 

So this particular podcast is going to have a lot of other podcasts that would really help to build this out for you and really help it make sense. So go down to the show notes, check out the other podcasts that are down there and do some listening on those. There are links in those to Apple and Spotify and even my website if you just would rather download the transcript or listen to it on the website, whatever works better for you in how you're doing it. So anyway, that's going to do that. 

07:06 

Let's jump in today to this concept that I am calling the relationship bucket. So this is a new concept for me that I've just been putting together. So a few months ago, when I did podcast number 390, "You Can't Fill Their Bucket," I talked about this analogy that most of us have known our whole lives about how our energy is in this bucket, you know, and we deplete energy, we build energy, we do all of this. And I also referenced this analogy in podcast number 238 called "Overflow." And I want to expand this analogy today, combining it with a different analogy that I have shared with you. And this one is called the relationship circle. 

07:50 

Now, all of these are kind of some of the most basic concepts that I like to refer back to a lot because I think they help put the ideas in context. So if you haven't listened to "The Relationship Circle," that's number 244. Again, all three of those will be down in the show notes that you can find them as well. Okay, but let me give you a brief overview of the relationship circle in case you have not listened to that podcast yet. In this concept, I want you to imagine three circles sitting side by side. Okay. The circle in the middle, we call the relationship circle. And then the two circles on the side are the two people in relationships. 

08:28 

So for example, I am one circle on one end. Sione is the circle on the other end. These are our own individual circles, and we are both complete, solid individuals. We are responsible for our happiness. We're responsible for how we behave, how we think, how we feel, how we treat other people, all this stuff. How I show up in my life. Do I have my own back? Do I talk to myself nicely? Do I create a safe space for myself? All of this is in my circle. I am responsible for that. And Sione is responsible for his. 

09:11 

Now, the circle that connects us, we call the relationship circle. And this is the place where we bring these individual selves together to create something completely different than both of us. Okay. I am not my relationship with Sione. Sione is not his relationship with me. We are both separate, distinct individuals. And we have chosen to come together in this circle, in this  relationship circle, to create something that is different than both of us. This is the relationship circle. And we have to remember that they are three separate things. 

09:53 

So I want to propose to you with this idea that I've been working on, that the relationship circle has its own bucket. Okay. In my circle, I have my bucket that I'm responsible for keeping full. And as I talked about about, I don't know, six or seven weeks ago in the podcast, you can't fill their bucket. I cannot fill Sione's bucket. He has to fill it himself. I can put stuff in there and put stuff in there and put stuff in there and it's just going to fall right through the bottom. He is the only one that can put things in the bucket that will stay. And same for me. He cannot fill my bucket. He cannot compliment me enough or do enough nice things for me to fill my bucket. He just can't because it all falls right through the bottom. It is my job to fill up. 

10:38 

But let's take a look at this concept of a relationship bucket. This is something that can be filled by both of us, and it requires both of us putting stuff in the bucket to create this energy and this beauty and this fullness within the relationship that we want. And when that bucket is full, the relationship is capable of an intimacy and a closeness that is incomparable to anything else I've ever experienced. It creates a safety within the relationship that allows for more vulnerability and honesty and openness. And trust is high. When the bucket is full because both of us are contributing to it, we trust the other person. We know that we are safe in that relationship circle. And it becomes easy to lean in. 

11:33 

It's like, I want you to imagine like you're having a conversation with somebody. You can both be leaning back on the sofa just chewing the fat. But when we really start sharing intimate things, we tend to have this capacity of leaning in, putting our hands on our knees, and really listening closer and better. And this is the leaning in we need to do. And it is in this space of a safe relationship circle that we see and we treat each other as equals. We are partners and we assume the best of each other. When our partner does something that's somewhat hurtful, we don't assume that they're trying to hurt us. We assume that it was just an oversight. We assume that they were distracted. We assume that their mind was on something else. We never assume that they are trying to hurt us on purpose. 

12:29 

Now, conversely, when the relationship bucket is on empty, we tend to be suspicious of our partner's motives and we assume worst intent. We assume that they are doing things to hurt us. We assume that they are intentionally leaving us out or neglecting us. And that makes us afraid to be vulnerable. We don't feel safe if we don't see the other person showing up as an equal partner in the relationship. And in order to stay in the marriage, which a lot of people are like, "listen, I don't want to get divorced, but I, you know, but I'm not happy here." 

13:08 

But what we find is to stay in the marriage, to keep that relationship circle intact, we find ourselves leaning out rather than leaning in. We are in a protective stance of, I want to be here, but I'm going to be as far away from you as possible. In this place, when the bucket is not filled, the trust is low, especially when it comes to opening our heart. We may trust them to go to their job and make money. We may trust them to, you know, mow the lawn, whatever. I don't know. But when it comes to everything else, the trust is not there. We do not trust that we can be vulnerable and that they will treat it with kindness and love. 

13:55 

So where I am responsible for filling my own bucket and Sione is responsible for filling his bucket, when we go into the relationship circle, it takes both of us engaging to fill the relationship bucket. So how do we do this? How do we create safety in the relationship? Now, there are, I probably have five or six different podcasts on creating safety in the relationship, and I'm going to have those in the show notes. So go check those out. But I want because that's all important and that's all what we do to help create safety. 

14:30 

But today I want to share some insights that I got while I was working with a client earlier this week. And we were talking about the different roles of men and women. And I thought, wow, this is kind of cool stuff about how men and women have different capacities to create a different kind of safety in the relationship. Because what comes naturally to me as a female is different than what comes naturally to Sione as a male. And yet what comes naturally to me can help create a different  kind of safety for Sione. And what comes naturally for him can help create a different kind of safety for me. So we're going to use some generalizations here. And I know that there's a big spectrum of masculine energy and feminine energy and more masculine traits and more feminine traits. I know there's a lot of spectrum space in there, but I'm going to talk about some pretty general ideas. So let's not get hung up on, but me or I know somebody, because of course you do. I get that and I understand that. What we don't talk about is general stuff today. 

15:39 

So women generally are more emotionally-oriented. We focus more on what's going on inside our feelings, our ideas, wanting to understand things, wanting to do the inside work so that we can show up better in relationships, so we can do this kind of stuff. We tend to have a more nurturing element about us. And we have, I think sometimes it feels to me like an easier time leaning into love and leaning into compassion. And none of that is saying that men do not have the capacity for any of that, but I think that for women, those things generally come easier. Now, for men, generally, they are more physically-oriented. Okay. A lot of times the things that they do are more outward instead of inward. They have more of a protecting nature about them than women tend to. 

16:42 

Now, this emotionally-oriented and physically-oriented, I just want to be clear, go way beyond sex and deep conversations. And I know that when we are younger, it seems like, especially in my previous marriage, the conversation and the angst and the fighting dealt so much with he was always wanting more sex. I was always wanting more intimacy, more deep emotional stuff. And I think when we were younger, that is all that we could really comprehend. And as I've gotten older, I see that these tendencies that men and women have, they go way beyond sex and deep conversations. 

17:25 

So here's an interesting thing. So women often feel very unsafe physically. I was watching a small clip from a comedian, you know, when I was doing my doom scrolling about a couple of months ago. And this was such a fascinating thing. The comedian asked a man and woman sitting next to each other, as far as I could tell in the video. And she asked the man, she says, what is the worst thing that could happen to you on a date, on a first date? "And the man goes, oh, I don't know, like I could spill food down the front of my shirt." Okay. And she goes, all right. And she turns to the woman and she says, what is the worst thing that would happen to you on a first date? And the woman says, "I could get killed." And I know it was a comedian, but I was like, whoa. Like, look at the difference. And I'm not saying that the man is superficial. I'm saying that he does not have to worry about being killed on a first date, about being raped on a first date. He does not have to worry about violence happening to him. 

18:37 

And us as women, we do. We worry about that every time we're walking down the street at night, anytime we're leaving a store at night and walking through a parking lot. We worry about it every time that we find ourselves alone in a room with a man that we don't know. This feeling unsafe physically is huge for us. Safety is so important to us because we are more vulnerable to physical attacks, to violence. And because we're more vulnerable, we are always in hyper-protective mode. And when we don't feel safe, our primitive brain is like freaking out. And it is like, it's expending so much energy to make sure that all the things are taken care of and watching all the corners and doing that. 

19:37 

This is what happens to women. So to create our own safety in our environment, we are hypervigilant. We have to make sure that all the things are taken care of in the home so that we feel safe. We pay attention to everything. We carry so much weight. We take on all of this responsibility, all of this emotional load in order to create an environment that feels safe to us. Because if we don't feel safe, we are dysregulated and we can't show up in our lives. 

20:15 

Okay. But here's the thing. Not only is this physically exhausting to constantly have to be carrying so much weight to make sure that we're safe, it is also emotionally and mentally exhausting. And if we are carrying all the things, that leaves very little space for energy for other things, like our marriage. Our marriage will take a back burner if we are spread so thin trying to cover all of the bases in order to make our lives feel safe. And if we're married, it can be very easy to get resentful if we are hoping for a partner to carry the weight with us and yet we are still doing all of the things. Especially if our spouse is not just not doing the things, but if they are also making more demands of our time and not stepping up to pick up some of this extra weight. And then if the man begins to behave in childish ways, being demanding of our time, asking for things that they should have the capacity to do for themselves, if they start behaving in childish ways and asking more and more of the  woman and spreading her out even more, so she starts taking on more responsibility, she pushes herself even more, and she gets more exhausted, then she has even less for the marriage relationship. 

21:52 

And if the man is insecure, and so he's demanding time and energy from her so that he can feel safe, she may give it to him, but at her own expense of safety with him. Okay. And as soon as she starts stepping into some sort of a parenting role with her spouse because he's behaving in childish ways, I'm just going to say it is adios to passion, to desire, to wanting, to partnership. All of that is gone if the husband starts behaving as a child. Because here's the thing, no woman wants to be having sex with someone that she has to parent. 

22:40 

This is why sense of self is so vital, because if I have a weak sense of self, a reflective sense of self, I am looking for a spouse to build me up. And when a man shows up in a relationship with a weak sense of self, he starts showing up as a child, needing validation, needing all of this stuff from the wife. And she has to step into a parent role. And then she doesn't want to have sex with him because subconsciously she is seeing him as a child. Okay. So what happens is if he is not showing up like an equal, we have a hard time feeling safe. 

23:27 

Now, this isn't just the man's problem because if he is showing up in those ways, it is imperative that she have appropriate boundaries, that she lets some things go, that she does not step into treating him like a child and move into the parenting role, but rather she treats him like an equal. Regardless of what he's asking for, regardless of how he's showing up, possibly in childish ways, she still treats him as an equal and does not step into doing the things a parent would do. 

24:07 

Now, she also has to do all of this while staying true to her compassionate and nurturing nature. So she has to be very careful to learn how to communicate in ways that are not belittling or criticizing or blaming or attacking or accusing. Okay, so sometimes boundaries, it can feel like he might be pulling her by the arm saying, hey, come over here and do this for me. But if it's something that he is fully capable of doing by himself, she gets to say, no, I'm not doing that for you. And he might get angry and that's okay, right? She has to be an equal partner and not get pulled into that. 

24:50 

But here's the other piece of this for women. Now, obviously, I understand the women's part of this a lot more than the men's, but women in our generation, for sure, have been taught to just take care of all the things. And we have been told that what makes us worthy as women is when we take care of all the things, when we are peacekeeping, when we are people pleasing, then we are valuable to the world and valuable to the people in our lives. And so many of us learned to do it all. And that just doesn't work. 

25:25 

This is a huge part of the work that we do. Again, sense of self. How do I find my worth? How do I just recognize that it's there? I don't have to prove it and I don't have to take care of all the things and make everybody happy and be the peacekeeper in order to be a person of value. 

25:45 

So this also for women is an opportunity to go into a one-up, I'm better than him because I do all the things while he plays golf, while he watches TV, while he puts off things he said he would do, while he is working extra hours, like whatever else, right? It can be a very easy place for us to go into a one-up position, which is not being equal. That's being grandiose or better than. And we don't want this either. So as women, we need to be cognizant of our socially trained primitive brains, of what society tells us is our role and our responsibility. And we have to start questioning all the thoughts. Are they true? Do I need to be the peacekeeper? Is it important that I avoid conflict or contention at all costs? Is that true? Is it true that I can't say no to my husband? 

26:45 

Right? We have to question these thoughts because mostly they're not true. And we have to learn to step into this equality rather than going into a one-down or a one-up position. So are we feeling love and compassion or are we trending towards resentment and contempt and even apathy? Okay, so all of these things that we've talked about, these are ways that we add to or take away from the relationship bucket. 

27:14 

Now, men also have things that to do that contribute to the relationship bucket. And we kind of have talked a little bit about that, but men also get to learn how to step into equality. Now, much of their societal training has been to go into a grandiose mentality, a better than mentality, where women's has been to go into a less than mentality. Societal training, right? It's just what we saw and what we've experienced in our lives growing up, especially in our generation, I think, which means that many men have been taught not to step into responsibility in the home. 

27:54 

I remember speaking with a man of my father's generation once who told me that, listen, my only job is to make the money. And literally, that is all he did for the family. He would not do anything at home. He would come home from work and not do anything the rest of the day to engage in the family dynamic. Okay, oftentimes men are taught to expect women to do all of the things, especially if it has to do with home stuff. They oftentimes have been taught that they have a better than everybody should listen to me and do what I say kind of mentality. And their societal training has also taught many men to shut off their emotions. 

28:38 

The number of men that I have worked with who, as soon as they start to get emotional, I see this harshness come across their face and they turn it off. It's kind of scary. But that is what they have been taught. They've been taught that you are not valuable as a person if you have emotions, if you can't control your emotions. Real men don't cry. So this is what men have been taught. And it is important for men to learn how to come down from the one up and to step into equality as well. 

29:13 

They also have to learn how to begin to partner up, to truly see their partner as an equal in every way. They have to see that keeping a family, a home, a marriage working well actually takes two equally dedicated partners. And a partner means that we are equals and we work together for all the things. We support and we sustain each other. Men are generally so great at more physical tasks. Their bodies are stronger and more capable of things than women's bodies as far as that goes. And they often also have the ability to have more of a one-track mind, not considering so many things at once. And I've seen research on this, right? Like men can home in on one idea and women's brains are just like, oh, but what about this? And this is connected to this and this is connected here. Okay. It's just a difference in how men's and women's brains often work. 

30:16 

Masculine energy has more of a protector than a nurturing vibe. It also has more of a make a checklist, check off the list, get things done, efficiency mode going on. And I'm going to tell you, I love this about Sione. I am just in awe sometimes at his capacity to just work and just do things. And I know that there are women that have this as well, but I don't. I really like my downtime. And Sione, though, like I went to bed the other night and he was working on something that had to get done. And I'm just like, how are you working at like nine o'clock at night, 10 o'clock at night? Like my brain's just like, "nope, I'm done for the day." And he's just like, he can focus in. He can just get the things done. 

31:01 

But I also appreciate that he is great at behaving in ways that make it very easy for me to feel safe and protected. So remember my inherent physical weakness that makes me very vulnerable, where I can easily become prey to a man's stronger physical body. And this shows up in really small and loving ways, but it creates such a safety for me. Here's some of the things that he does. He opens my door every time we're together. I can open doors. I've been opening doors my whole life, but it's just this small act that says, I want to be here for you. I want to make your life easier. Tell you what, he carries all the heavy boxes. I can carry some heavy boxes. I work out. I'm strong. But he will very often just come over and take the box away from me. And even if I say I can do it, he's like, I know you can. And I want to do this for you. If there are chores to be done and we're splitting them up, he will always choose the harder chore. He rubs my shoulders. He brings me water or snacks. He sees me doing a tough chore and he steps in to assist me or he'll even just sometimes kind of take over and say, hey, listen, let me take over this. 

32:25 

And I'll tell you what, he kills the bugs. He takes care of the bugs. Even just this morning, I'm just laughing because we're here in Samoa. And luckily, our apartment, at least I haven't seen all the bugs. Our apartment has been relatively bug-free this year. But I opened up a cabinet under the bathroom that I have not opened up the whole time we were there. And there was a two-inch dead cockroach in there. You know, those big ones. And I like screamed a little bit and I slammed it shut and I jumped back. And I mean, all unconsciously, I'm before I know it, I'm in the other room going, okay, okay. And I just, these  big, big bugs, I know I'm going to have to get used to them because we're moving to Hawaii. But there was this big bug. And so I came out into the other room and I was like, all right, Sione, there's a dead bug, a big, huge cockroach under the sink. Will you go take care of it for me? And he's like, of course I will. Now, it would be very easy for him to say, oh my gosh, come on. It's a dead bug. Okay, I know that. I know it's a dead bug and I still hate it. And I don't know why, but in my brain, I start going into, and I know it's a story. I know it's my thoughts, but my brain starts saying, I know I'm going to reach for it with a paper towel or something. And it's going to come alive and it's going to jump up and run up my arm. And I don't know. It's just how my brain works. If you're a girl, I'm sure you get it. If you're a man, you're probably going, I don't get it at all. But it's just one of those things. And guess what? He just goes in, takes care of that, picks it up, throws it in the toilet, like takes care of all the things. I appreciate that so much. 

33:59 

When we travel, like I'm used to being a traveler and I love to travel and I can take care of the money, I can take care of the reservations. I can take care of the car rental. I can do all the things. But guess what? When I travel with Sione, he does so much of that. And it takes so much responsibility off my plate that I can let my shoulders drop, that I can relax into the comfort and the safety of being with him. 

34:33 

Now, here's the thing. I can do all of these things. Not only was I single for six and a half years between marriages, but I've always been super independent from my childhood. And in my previous marriage, it was a necessity for me to be super independent. Most of my life, I've been independent and I'm capable. I can do these things. And I tell him that. I'm like, hey, I can do this. And he's just like, I know you can. And he just keeps going on taking care of things and doing things to lighten my load. Why does he do that? Because he loves me and he wants me to feel safe. He wants me to feel cared for. He wants me to feel protected. This is his protective nature. It's who he is and it's how he is. And when I feel that way, I can take a deep breath and I can let go of some of the responsibility. And being able to not always be responsible allows me to step out of my masculine, go, go, go. Here's the less, take list, take care of all the things energy. And it allows me to soften into my feminine energy, my more compassionate, nurturing energy. 

35:52 

And when I can feel compassionate and nurturing, then I can show up in beautiful ways in our relationship. The more I'm able to lean into my feminine energy, the more I can be aware of his needs. The more I can allow for more autonomy and individuality and create a safer space for him emotionally because I do feel more compassionate and nurturing and loving. 

36:19 

So what might feel like more challenging for him to be emotional because he's wired in a male body and societally he's been taught these things, I am able to create a safer space for him emotionally when I don't carry so much responsibility, just as he is able to create a safer space for me physically. We are both creating safety for the other person in necessary ways, and we are both being rewarded. I get more physical safety when I'm with him. And so I can engage more physically. And I actually desire more physical connection because I can relax and let go of my responsibility. And that also allows for a better sexual connection. When he feels safe emotionally, because I show up creating a safe emotional space, he can engage more emotionally. He can let go of some of his societal expectations that he should always be the strong one and that he should never show emotion. And he can let go of some of that feeling of responsibility that he has to be strong. And he can lean into his emotions more because he knows that even if he leans into emotion, that it's safe for him to do so. That if he cries, it's a safe space for him to cry. 

37:48 

And it's really kind of a beautiful system when we see it this way. Each of us showing up in our most genuine feminine and masculine energy can create safety for the other person to tap into their not so dominant energy. The more I feel safe with him emotionally, the more I'm capable of stepping into more physical. The more he steps into his physical protective energy, the more I am able to step into my feminine energy. 

38:19 

So one person engaging differently has the potential of creating change in the relationship. Now, this is not why we engage differently. This is not why we choose to start doing this work. We do it because it is the kind of person that we want to be. It is the kind of spouse that we want to be, because it aligns with our values. This is why we do this work, because it helps us to be more of the person that we want to be, not because we are trying to manipulate or control or people please the other person. If we make changes expecting them to change, we are in a wrong place. We are in the wrong energy. It becomes  manipulative and transactional rather than loving. And this is dangerous territory. This is approaching the relationship circle from expectation rather than love. 

39:19 

And I'll tell you what, people are perceptive. There we go. That's the right word. People are perceptive. We can tell when someone is trying to manipulate us. We can tell when someone is trying to people please us. We can tell. Okay. And so we have to really clean up our own reason for wanting to do this work. We have to do it from a place of love. Now, we show up changing our behaviors and the other person might move into something different and they might meet us and start putting stuff into the relationship bucket as well. But guess what? They might not. 

39:59 

So I have worked with clients who started this work for them. They're just like, listen, I want to be a better person. I want to show up better. And they start feeling the relationship bucket. And sometime later, in Mel Robbins' book, "Let Them," she talks about how it can take our partner three to six months. If they're going to make an adjustment around how we're showing up, it can take three to six months for that to happen. Sometimes it does take that long. But I've worked with clients when they start filling the relationship bucket. After a while, when they've created this safer space for their spouse, their spouse starts moving in a better relational space as well, and they start adding to the bucket also. I have seen that happen so many times. It's not usually quick, but it happens. And I will say that I have also worked with clients who, even after a lot of cleaning up on their part, their spouse still isn't interested in a deeper emotional engagement. They are adding to the bucket and their partner never chooses to. 

41:11 

So we can't go into doing this work with expectations of them. We can only have expectations of us. Who do I want to be? What kind of a spouse do I want to be? How do I want to treat them? Am I in alignment with my values? So male listeners, how are you showing up? Are you showing up as an adult partner? Are you showing up as an equal? Are you mindful of your wife's need for physical safety and her need to not be responsible for everything, to not have to carry the emotional load of everything going on? Are you mindful that she needs to feel as though she's being protected and she's safe with you? And women listeners, how are you showing up? Are you creating an emotional safe space for your spouse to be himself? Are you treating him like an equal rather than like another child? Are you having clear boundaries? Are you honest about what you want and speak it rather than half-truths or passive-aggressive statements or expecting him to read your mind? Are you making it safe for him to experiment and lean into emotions and share them? 

42:32 

Because what constitutes relational safety for men and for women can be different. And underneath those differences, we both want to be accepted for who we are. We both want to be able to be vulnerable, to be honest, and to not feel shamed or embarrassed by our spouse. We all want to be appreciated for our uniqueness and our weirdness. Let's be honest: we're all weird. We want to be known at a deeper level and to be loved at that level. And this requires that we know and love the other person at a deeper level as well. We want our efforts to be acknowledged and accepted, allowing our ways of doing and being to be just right, even if it's different than our partner does it. This is a space in relationship where we often have to lean into being wrong, allowing them to be as much of a person with likes and dislikes and preferences and priorities and desires, just like us. Even if and maybe especially when all of those things are different. 

43:48 

Now, when our spouse shows up in all of these different ways, that can be uncomfortable for us. But discomfort on my part doesn't mean that Sione is wrong. And adding to the relationship bucket means that we allow, that's probably the wrong word, but we allow and we even embrace the differences of our spouse. And we don't make our discomfort mean anything about them. My discomfort about how he's showing up does not mean he's doing it wrong. And so my discomfort is about me and about the thoughts that I am thinking. It doesn't mean that he's wrong. And so this is a chance for me to look at myself and to address my own discomfort, to become comfortable with my own discomfort and say, listen, it's okay. 

44:48 

So when we're in relationship, it's important, in fact, it's vital that we value these unique qualities of our spouse. And we also get to learn to verbalize all the things. We can have tough discussions. Absolutely, we have tough discussions. That's the rocking the boat concept, right? And we have to have those discussions, but we also have to start telling them about the amazing things we see and appreciate about them as well. And that can feel really vulnerable to build up our partner within the relationship. But it's a vital piece. 

45:26 

If we see something amazing, we need to get used to saying it. We want to be able to have our interactions with them say, I see you showing up here in our relationship circle. "Thank you. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad to be in this relationship circle with you." Or if something is confusing to us, rather than attacking and saying, why are you doing this or you're doing this wrong, we slow down and we say, "hey, I noticed that you did this. Will you tell me more about that?" We're not filling their bucket in their own personal circle, but rather we are adding to our combined bucket in the relationship circle. We want our behaviors and our words to communicate "I love being in this circle with you. This is my favorite place to be." This creates safety in the relationship circle. 

46:34 

So where the safety in our own circles is our responsibility, the relationship bucket is both of our responsibility to create a space there that feels safe, that feels loving, that feels kind, that feels accepting. So I hope that this creates a conversation that you can have with your spouse about the relationship bucket. How are you adding to it? How are you helping your spouse to feel safe? And what are you creating there? 

47:12 

Okay, that's going to do it for me today. Thank you so much for being here. If you have not left me a review, will you please go to either the Apple or the Spotify app and you can leave me a review there. That always helps it to show up in the algorithm so that others can find this amazing information. I'm so happy to share this with you and I'm so convinced that this is information that makes a difference in relationships. And I'm convinced because I have seen what it does in my life. I've seen what it's created for Sione and myself as we have been able to create just this beautiful space using these concepts and these tools. And so if you can share this with people, there are so many different ways to share it. I would really love it. Thank you so much for showing up today. Hope you have a great week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

48:06 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: ashort and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.