00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 392, "Vulnerability and Validation." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams, we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello, my friends, and welcome to the podcast. As always, just super glad to have you here. A couple of things before we jump in. Talk with Tanya. That is just a free coaching webinar that you can sign up for. You come to. We just do all the coaching and all the good stuff to give you an idea of what coaching is like to help you get some clarity on a situation you may be struggling with. Or if you just want to come and listen to other people get coached, that is always just so, so helpful as well to see things from an outside perspective and to watch the way that they get coached and to be able to identify situations and see how I deal with it. It's just a brilliant opportunity. So I would love to have you do that. The next one is January 13th. And you can go to my website, tanyahale.com, go to the group coaching tab, and you can get signed up for that. I would love to have you join us. That's always the second Tuesday of every month. 

01:14 

The other thing, I have two classes coming up starting in January. They are not on the website yet. They will probably be up right around the new year, but just want you to keep these in mind. The first one is called Should I Stay or Should I Go? This is for those of you who are trying to decide, "do I stay in this marriage or do I go?" The most difficult decision you will probably ever make in your life. And we're just going to talk about all the things. We're going to help give you some tools to understand yourself better, to understand what you want, and to help you know how to collect the data that you need to get to collect so that you can make a decision that you can stand behind. A decision that at the end of the day, you are happy that you made. So that starts on Mondays, January 19th. It's going to be a 7 p.m. Eastern class. That means it's going to be 5 o'clock Mountain. And you can find that, both of these classes, same place, tanyahale.com, group coaching tab, and there will be a link there for you to learn more about this class. 

02:21 

The second class I'm going to be offering is for couples, and this is called the Ultimate Date Night. This is going to be Thursday nights at 8 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Mountain. Starts on January 22nd. Now, if you are a couple in crisis, this is not the class for you. Couples in crisis, contact me otherwise. Let's do some one-on-one coaching. But for couples who are, that doesn't mean you don't have problems, but it means that you're generally in a pretty good place, but you want to figure out how to increase your partnership. You want to know how to move from more of a paper marriage to a partnership, to a real unified, intimate, connected place. This is what we're going to be discussing. Again, another six-week class, six weeks every Thursday. We're going to dive into this, give you tools, give you assignments to do as a couple to help you step into this. And I think you're going to love that. 

03:17 

Both of these are brand new classes for me. And I'm just super excited to be able to create this content for you and share some new stuff. So if either of those work for you, make sure that you are on my email list and you do that by going to tanyahale.com. The pop-up will say, "do you want to get the Weekend Win?" And you put your email address in there and then you will be the first to know when these classes go live. Both classes are limited in number. They're limited to eight total participants. So that means eight people in the Should I Stay or Go class and four couples in the Ultimate Date Night class. So that is going to do it with the announcements. Let's jump in. 

03:59 

Today I want to talk to you about vulnerability and validation. These two V words are connected in our lives and they're connected in how we choose to show up for ourselves and for others that we want to have relationship with. So let's start off by talking about vulnerability. I remember about nine months after my divorce, listening to Brene Brown for the first time,  and she was talking about being vulnerable in our relationships. And I remember so clearly having this amazing aha that vulnerability had anything to do with relationships. Okay, very naive. I get it. But that's where I was, right? My previous marriage was such that vulnerability was not a thing in there. I associated vulnerability with being vulnerable to an attack in a parking lot or if someone broke into my home, but I did not understand vulnerability in the context of relationships until I found Brene Brown's work. And what I learned started to shift everything for me about what I understood about relationships. 

05:02 

In my home growing up, there wasn't much, if any, vulnerability. We didn't share a lot of personal things. We didn't have emotional conversations. I didn't see my parents sharing much that would require being vulnerable. I don't know if they did. Maybe they did behind closed doors. But in front of us kids, there was not vulnerability modeled. Now, as children, and my parents, I mean, there was a lot of love in our home. I always felt loved. I always felt safe and protected, but emotional safety wasn't really a thing since we didn't really do vulnerability. And I don't feel that boundaries were crossed much growing up, with the exception of brothers who tended toward bullying, which was a standard practice in the 70s and 80s, right? 

05:50 

And so placing vulnerability in a marriage relationship or any relationship at all was a totally new concept for me. Coming to understand that the intimate connection in a marriage is brought about when two people choose to step into this vulnerability shifted my whole understanding of what it meant to be married. I watched my parents get along well, laugh and talk together, hold hands on the sofa, kiss in the kitchen, work to keep our family and our home afloat. But I can't say that I saw vulnerability or emotional intimacy modeled for me. And I have since come to understand how deeply dependent vulnerability is to a thriving marriage. Until we can really lean into vulnerability, we will never create the emotional connections, the partnerships that are so vital to a strong, healthy relationship. 

06:46 

And I think the process of learning to be vulnerable can be much easier when both partners are invested in creating a more intimate relationship, when both partners are actively working to lean in, to address the struggles, to know and be known, to notice the problematic patterns and create something different. It's absolutely easier to be vulnerable when your partner creates a safe space for you to share intimate things. It can be quite challenging, however, when you have a partner who is not invested in creating a more vulnerable and intimate relationships. 

07:21 

Now, the reasons they're not interested may be varied. Maybe they don't understand it like I didn't. Or maybe they've tried and they've been shut down. Maybe it doesn't feel safe, so they stopped trying and moved into self-preservation. Maybe from the time they were a child, they learned to adapt to a dysfunctional relationship by shutting down and just going surface. I've noticed that many couples have patterns of behavior that also don't make it safe to be vulnerable. And the patterns are so ingrained that they aren't even noticed anymore, but they are circling around on themselves, continually reinforcing the underlying belief that it isn't safe to be vulnerable. 

08:06 

One of the reasons it doesn't feel safe to be vulnerable is because we are so poorly equipped to validate each other. In the context of a relationship, validation is how we let our partner know that we see them, that we are listening to them and that we hear them, that we want to understand them, that we care about them, that what happens to them in their life matters to us. One reason validation in relationships doesn't happen is because the natural man part of our brain, our ego, is awfully fixated on being right. And when our biggest concern in our partnership is being right and proving our partner wrong, we completely miss out on opportunities to validate our partners because the capacity to validate means that I have to set aside my own needs that are screaming in my brain saying, "no, wait, but look at me." 

09:04 

Now, just to clarify, we don't validate in our relationships to help build the other person's sense of self. Rather, we validate to let the other person know that we see them, that we hear them, what they are feeling and experiencing is important to us, to let them know that we value them and our relationship and that we place their well-being and happiness on the same level as our own. Validation doesn't work in another person's individual circle, but it is vital to the relationship circle, which is something completely different than the individual's space. 

09:42 

So if you want to understand some of these concepts that I'm talking about, the sense of self, the relationship circle, the individual circles, I need you to go check out the concepts that are in the show notes. 

09:55 

Okay. So when we are overly concerned with proving ourselves to be right, with this being in the one-up place, we will for sure struggle with validating our partner because those ideas, proving ourselves to be right, being in a one-up place, make it very, very difficult for us to try and see things from another person's point of view. And when one of us in a partnership shows up vulnerable and it gets dismissed or argued with, it doesn't feel safe to continue to share thoughts and ideas. And when one partner does this, the protective part of the other person's brain also kicks into defensive mode. And if we're not paying close attention, the other person will behave similarly. We play off of each other. If I don't feel safe, then I set up my walls and I respond in similar ways. And then they don't feel safe and then they set up their walls. And then that just continues to spiral in this negative pattern. And when we're stuck in the pattern cycle of dismissing each other's vulnerable bids for connection, we may not even see that we are doing it while continuing to exacerbate the disconnection. 

11:12 

So how do we dig ourselves out of this pattern? So I talk a lot on here about how we can't control our partner, how they view us, how they respond to us, what they believe, or what they do. None of that is within our scope of control. What we can control is us, how we choose to be vulnerable and how we choose to validate ourselves and our partner, how we choose to not put up walls. 

11:41 

So let's start talking about vulnerability when our partner doesn't recognize, validate, or make it emotionally safe to be vulnerable. This is a space that I work with a lot of clients on. So this might look like dismissing your bid for connection. So you show up vulnerable and they just dismiss it. They dismiss it either with their own request, "Oh, well, that's because you don't do this and you need to be doing this," right? Or criticism for what you've said or even how you've said it. They might even mock your phrasing or what you said. Or it may be they just ignore that anything has been said at all. At some level, it seems clear to you, though, that what you have said, how you have engaged, doesn't seem to matter to the other person, that they don't see you or hear you. 

12:33 

So our go-to primitive brain response in this situation is to go into full-on protection mode, either fight or flight generally. Now, my own personal favorite flavor is to flight. Or yeah, to flight. I shut down. I internally, my brain goes straight to, "oh, this isn't worth it to continue to invest in this relationship." And it's a super easy go-to for me to back away, to lean out, to stop being emotionally engaged in the relationship. So maybe you're like me, but maybe yours is different. Maybe you go to the fight and you end up in heated arguments standing your ground about something related to what you're talking about. But at the same time, you're generally not arguing about what the real struggle is here. And that's the lack of validation to a vulnerable bid for connection. 

13:27 

So whether you fight or whether you flight, connection has not been made. In fact, the opposite has occurred. You now feel more disconnected and lonely than ever. You feel misunderstood, you feel unimportant, you feel unseen, you feel unheard to the other person. Now, a big part of the struggle here is that unless you are engaging with very conscious intention, our primitive brain takes their response or their lack of response, whatever, as an indication of our importance and worth, not only in their lives, but also in the world. And it's just so easy for our brain to settle into questioning ourselves or making it about us. We think things like, there must be something wrong with me, or they're mad at me for something, or I always do it wrong. And then from this place, it gets really easy to spiral into negative self-talk and to get defensive and go into a drama response, all of which blow the situation into something that then becomes unmanageable. 

14:37 

But here's the workaround to avoiding all of this extra. We have to make a hard decision to show up vulnerable because that's the person we want to be. We want to be vulnerable in relationship. We don't make that decision because we want the other person's validation. And even if the other person doesn't validate us, or even if they dismiss us or criticize us, we can walk away feeling really great about how we showed up. We feel empowered by our strength of character to be able to be kind when it was hard, to be vulnerable when the other person doesn't appreciate it or accept it or validate it, to be compassionate when our natural person instinct is to criticize and to cut back. Our capacity to show up this way comes from our sense of self, and it even strengthens our sense of self. The more I can validate myself feeling amazing about how I'm showing up, especially when it's super difficult, the more empowered I become and the stronger my sense of self grows. 

15:48 

Now, this doesn't mean that we want to walk around being vulnerable with every person we meet and spill our tea all over the world. But it does mean that we aren't afraid to be vulnerable in the relationships that matter to us. And we're even willing to be vulnerable when we feel it's appropriate, even if and when we're not sure how the other person will respond. But we decide it's a situation where we will be glad that we were vulnerable, even if the other person didn't validate our vulnerability. 

16:21 

So we're showing up vulnerable for us because that is who and how we want to be. We're not showing up vulnerable so that others will approve of us or so that they will respond with more vulnerability themselves. We want how we respond to be completely unconnected with how they respond. And then when they do respond with acceptance and validation, it's like the sprinkles on the cupcake. They're great and they're wonderful and they're fun, but they are not necessary. 

16:56 

So the other side of this equation is when others show up vulnerable to us. How do we want to respond to their vulnerability? Because remember that vulnerability can take many forms. Sometimes vulnerability looks like saying, "I love you," when that hasn't been said in a while or maybe even ever. Sometimes it looks like circling back around and apologizing. Sometimes vulnerability looks like sharing that they were hurt by something that was said either by you or by someone else. Sometimes vulnerability can even look like complaining about something that is frustrating or annoying to us. Vulnerability really is just the space where we show another person a piece of our heart. 

17:41 

So when someone shows up vulnerably with us, how can we respond in a loving and kind way that says, "I see you, I hear you, you matter to me"? Well, we validate them. And that can take many forms as well. Validation can be the actual words that let them know that we see and hear them. We might say something like, "that sounds like such a frustrating situation for you." Validation can be honestly listening to their opinion or point of view and asking appropriate questions to understand them better, really seeking to understand where they're coming from. Validation can sound like, "thank you for sharing that with me. I'm sure it was really hard." Validation can be us receiving some difficult feedback and instead of getting defensive, owning our part in what they say. This might sound like, "oh, wow, I am so sorry I responded that way when that happened. You are absolutely right that I was dismissive." 

18:49 

What we are seeking for with validating others is, as we've talked about before, not strengthening their sense of self because we can't do that, but letting them know that our relationship matters to them. And this shows up when we genuinely seek to understand the other person, to hear what they have to say, to try and see things from their point of view, and to really understand where they're coming from. We don't have to agree with their point of view or their opinion. That's not what validating is. When we validate others, we are showing them that we can see their pain and their frustration. We can see their joy. We can see whatever emotion. We are validating their emotion. We are acknowledging that they are feeling something big. Might be something difficult or that they're going through something difficult or that they are experiencing something they've never experienced before. Validation just says, "I see you. I hear you. You matter to me." This is the message we always want to be sending to the people that we love. What you are going through matters to me. 

20:01 

And again, just because we validate well doesn't mean the other person will change their behavior. For example, this last year, I had someone share a pretty heavy grievance with me about something that I had done, which required a lot of vulnerability on their part. And I think I did a pretty darn good job of validating their frustration with my behavior. And they have still chosen to sever the relationship. I feel really happy about the way that I responded to what they had to share, very proud of using these tools the way that I teach you to use them. And regardless, this person gets to do with how I responded, what they will. And this person is choosing not to be in a relationship with me anymore. Does it make me sad? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. And do I have a say in it? No. They get to forgive me or not forgive me as they will. What I do have a say in is how I validate myself in my response. Did I show up the best I knew how? Yes. Have I opened up a place of compassion in my heart for this person and their pain? I feel like I've done my best to do that. And am I honoring their agency to back away from our relationship and not make it mean that I'm a horrible person for making a mistake? Yeah, I believe I am. 

21:38 

This is what it means to be able to validate ourselves, to know that I'm a human who will make mistakes, to know that I'm absolutely not perfect, but to also know that I do my best and that I seek to be loving and kind and sometimes I fall short. And that's okay because I also seek to circle back around and clean things up. But I can only clean up my side of the street. And I get to learn to be okay with that. In this instance, I get to be okay with the fact that this person currently doesn't want to have a relationship with me. I can be sad about it and I can feel pain about it, and I do. And I can know that I didn't hurt them intentionally. And I can know that I've done my best to show up vulnerable in owning my own hurtful words, sincerely feeling bad and apologizing and cleaning it up the best that I can. 

22:33 

So vulnerability and validation both become available to us when we strengthen our sense of self. I hope that you can see in that situation that I was both validating and vulnerable. And it comes from all sides. Other people are vulnerable with us and we get to validate them. We are vulnerable with others and they have the opportunity to validate us. And we get to be vulnerable with others and then validate ourselves as well, being proud of how we showed up, even when they don't validate us. Vulnerability and validation are the building blocks of strong relationships, whether it is a relationship with someone else in our life or whether it's the relationship with ourselves. 

23:26 

Learning how to be vulnerable is a key component of us leaning into the relationship. It's also a key component of developing intimacy and connection within that relationship. Learning how to offer validation to others is vital to showing them that we value them and in being in relationship with them and that we want to build upon it and strengthen it. And being able to validate ourselves is a place of self-respect that deepens our sense of self. Our personal relationship with us is the foundation for all of the work we do in our relationships. When we have a strong sense of self, we have the capacity to step into vulnerability and validation. And when we courage up and are vulnerable and validate others and ourselves, we strengthen our sense of self. We create this upward spiral of validating ourselves, capacity to be vulnerable. Like this just continues to grow and grow and it all strengthens our sense of self. 

24:35 

This is a place where we can be so happy and proud of how we're showing up, even when it was hard and scary and even when the other person doesn't accept our offering. We get to accept our offering. We get to love who we are and how we are, even when we're far from perfect, even when we make a lot of mistakes, because we know that at our core, we are a good person who is working to figure it out, who is trying their best, and who is willing to circle back around to repair. This is the work that matters in life. Learning how to really be vulnerable and accept vulnerability from others. Learning how to validate others' vulnerability and learning how to validate our own vulnerability is a beautiful space that creates and strengthens a stronger sense of self. 

25:40 

Okay, my friends, that's going to do it for me today. Hope this was helpful. If it was, will you please share this podcast? Share some of your favorite episodes with friends. I find that it's super helpful when Sione and I listen to the same podcasts, and we often come together afterwards to talk about them and discuss the concepts. And we always almost always come out with a deeper understanding of the topic. If you can do this with people in your life who would be interested in having these discussions with you, you will find your growth fast tracks. And my friends, I wish I could share with you the power of this work. If you have been thinking about one-on-one coaching, please consider it heavily. You will be amazed at the progress that you can make in three to six months working with me that would be unobtainable to you in two or three years of doing this work on your own. It jumpstarts you. I am able to help you see things that just are so difficult for your brain to see. I would love to have you join me in some one-on-one coaching. 

27:00 

And if you have done a consult with me and you're feeling like it's time, send me a message. You can do that through the contact me on my website, or it's very likely that I gave you my telephone number when you called so that you can send me a text message. Let's get to work. Things do not get better until we do the hard work to clean them up. And if you have not had a free 90-minute call with me, get on my calendar. You can do that on the free consultation tab on my website. Let's talk about coaching. Let's talk about making 2026 the year that you move forward, the year that you choose and decide to do something for you that will improve everything in your lives. That will make your relationships better and stronger. I really, really do love you. And I pray that this content is helping you to see the world and engage in better and healthier ways.  Okay, have an awesome, awesome day, my friends, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

28:12 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "Weekend Win" Friday email, a short-lived message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.