00:00 

Well, hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 391, "The Christmas Adventure, Starring Calm and Chaos." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. I'm just really glad to have you here. A couple of things. First, the next Talk with Tanya is going to be on January 13th. And you can just go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can go to the group coaching tab, and there will be a place for you to sign up for that. And then you will get an email that has a link in it so that on the 13th, you can just show up, join the Zoom call. It is free. And we just coach whoever wants to be coached, whatever information you want to discuss or talk about. It is just really a free-for-all. And we usually have, I don't know, five people or so that show up and we just have some really great discussions. And I think it's really helpful for whoever comes. So would love to have you join us for that if you can make it. 

01:20 

Alright. And the next thing I want to talk about is in my Weekend Win last Friday, I sent out my end of year review and my famous hot cocoa recipe that everybody always asked me for. So if you missed those and you want to get them, you will need to go to my website, tanyahale.com, again. And the first pop-up that's going to come says, I think it says "sign up for the Weekend Win." You want to get on that. I'm only sending it out for two weeks. And if you missed it last Friday, you're going to want to get on this next Friday. Get signed up. I promise you, this end of your review, it takes a little bit of time, but it's not difficult. It's like, I don't know, I don't remember. It's been a year since I've done it, but it's about six or seven pages. But most of the answers are just one word, one phrase kind of answers. But it gives you such a great overview of your year, of what you've done, and it makes it so clear what you're going to want to do in the next year, what you want your focus to be, how you can move forward. 

02:29 

So if you're a growth-minded person, somebody who loves to be self-reflective, somebody who wants to be focused and wants to grow and wants to do this capital W work, you will want the weekend or the end of your review. So if you did not get it or if you just are not very good at opening your emails, you're going to want to check last Friday's or this next Friday's and make sure that you download that and set aside a couple of hours over the holidays. And it does not have to be done all at once. You could do 10 minutes a day over your Christmas break and get it done. You're going to love it. And also the hot cocoa recipe is one that I've adapted over the years. It's super, super simple, but gosh darn it. And you're not going to want to try it if you like Swiss Miss stuff. Sorry, Swiss Miss, but this watery crap is just not going to do it. And I'm a pretty well known food snob, chocolate snob, hot cocoa snob. And this hot cocoa is just delicious. And it's thick and it's, well, it's not thick, thick, but it's not, it's not water. It's milk-based and it's delicious. So you're going to want to check that out for sure. And I just throw in a whipping cream recipe as well because homemade whipping cream, come on. If you're still doing the spray stuff or Cool Whip, we got to have a chat because this homemade stuff is so easy and it is so delicious. 

03:58 

And the last thing I want to jump in with today is my classes that are going to be starting in January. I have nailed down dates and times for those. So the Should I Stay or Should I Go class, this is for people who are contemplating divorce. I know many of you who are in this place of thinking, "I just can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. Do I stay? Do I go? But I don't want to mess up the holidays." I know you're holding on. And good for you. Hang on. I've got you. These classes are going to start January 19th. It's going to be a Monday night class at 7 p.m. Eastern. That's going to be Six Mountain. Okay, it's going to be a six week class. There will be a curriculum. So you're going to have podcasts to listen to each week. Then we come together and we're going to process and we're going to figure this out. So that starts January 19th, Monday nights at 8 p.m. Eastern. Okay. 

04:49 

The second class, the Ultimate Date Night, is going to be Thursday nights at 8 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Mountain, starting January 22nd, right? So they're both going to be starting in five weeks from now. So you're going to want to check those out. They are not on my website yet, but they will show up in just a week or two. If you want to make sure that you are one, that you get one of the limited spots, please, again, sign up for the Weekend Win. You can get that by going to tanyahale.com. Just sign up on that pop-up that says get the Weekend Win. Sign up for that. And as soon as those classes go live, I will send out an email that says, "hey, these classes are available. Here's the link." 

05:32 

Let's get you signed up because they are both limited in the number of people that I will allow to be in them because I want to keep these classes small. So if you want to do it, there's only going to be in the Ultimate Date Night, only four couples are going to be in that class. And in the Should I Stay or Should I Go," I'm limiting that class to eight people total. So if either of those interest you, make sure you're getting my email. Make sure you're opening the emails so that you get the information so that you can get signed up. They're going to be great classes and I'm excited to do those. Okay, so that's going to do it there. 

06:08 

So here we go. This is actually, we're talking about the Christmas adventure starring calm and chaos today. So, and this comes completely off of a call that I had with a client today as we were talking about the stress of teenagers and she was talking about how her teenagers were fighting and blah, blah, blah, and all of this stuff. And we started talking about how we have these expectations. We sing this beautiful Christmas song and I love the song Silent Night. But here we go, "Silent Night, Holy Night, all is calm," right? Like we have this idea that Christmas should be so magical, that everybody should be happy, that everybody should be singing praises and there should be no fighting and no messes and everybody should be happy and nobody should be grumpy and everybody should pitch in and help clean up the kitchen and do all of the stuff. And that we should have this calm feeling for the whole two and a half weeks that the kids are home or that, you know, the extra days that our spouse is home or that our, when our adult kids are visiting with the grandkids, right? We have this idea that Christmas should be this magical place. And yet, guess what? Christmas is like every other time of the year, whether it's a day or whether it's a season or whatever. We live in what we call the 50-50. 

07:30 

Now, I think it's been a while since I've talked about the 50-50 here on the podcast, but the 50-50 talks about how life is always going to be 50-50. 50% amazing, 50% challenging. And this opposite in life shows up in everything. If you really slow down and start looking around you, you're going to see there's day, there's night, there's light, there's dark, there's good, there's bad, there's evil, there's righteous, there's soft, there's hard. Like, we have opposites in everything. And the day-to day living is exactly the same. There is a 50-50 break, right? And Christmas time, though we want it to be this magical time where everything is beautiful, everything is calm, everything is silent and peaceful, guess what? It is still subject to the 50- 50. 

08:29 

And let me give you some examples. For example, Christmas morning, we open presents and everybody's joyful and happy and having fun and laughing and the gifts are funny and they're appreciated and all this. And then what happens? Then we have the 50-50 of that is we have to clean up all the stuff. We have to clean up all the papers. We have to vacuum the floors. We have to find a place to put all the stuff. And then like having the house decorated with the beautiful tree and all the other stuff that we have going on after Christmas, what do we have to do? We have to take it all down. We have all the work. That's the 50-50, right? What about this amazing Christmas meal that we make? Delicious, but with that delicious meal that everybody enjoys comes all the prep work and all the cleanup afterwards. And sometimes in the middle of the meal comes a tense discussion about politics or about somebody that we disagree with or something, right? 

09:30 

What about the beautiful snowfall that comes if you're living in that kind of an area? Well, with that beautiful snow comes somebody having to go outside and shovel the walks. And it comes with slick roads and salt getting all over your shoes. So when you come in and walk on the wood floors, it leaves the white salt residue all over, right? What about having the kids home from college or married kids home and everybody's there? Well, inevitably, that's going to come with lots of messes, lots of clothes left all over the family room, lots of dishes left all over the place, lots of nasty tissues from whoever's sick. It's going to come with disagreements and fights and maybe irritated people and all of that stuff. So it's wonderful having them  home. We get to play games. We get to talk. We get to hug them. We get to hang out and watch fun, silly movies and laugh together. 

10:24 

And we have the 50-50. You know, we have game time as a family. Game time is great. And yet what sometimes comes with game time? Sometimes we get some sore losers. Sometimes we get overcompetitive. Sometimes we get people who are upset and get angry about stuff. Okay, that's part of the 50-50. Somebody wins, somebody loses. Right, we've got that. What about all the sweet, delicious, yummy candies and cakes and cookies that we've got going on around the holidays? Well, with that comes maybe somebody ate too much and they get sick to their stomach and they spend the night throwing up. Or maybe we end up gaining more weight than we feel comfortable having gained over the holidays, right? This is what it is. We have all of these dreams of calm over the holidays, all of these magical expectations. And yet with the calm comes the chaos. 

11:25 

Because here's the deal. Chaos has always been invited to the holidays and chaos has always come. Think about the last 20 or 30 years of Christmas. How many of those has there been zero chaos? Probably not many, if any, that you can think of. Chaos has always been a part of our Christmas adventure. 

11:52 

So why in the world do we start thinking that chaos will not come to Christmas this year? It's just kind of crazy that we think that. And it's all just part of Christmas. It's all part of our Christmas adventure. And sometimes we get to a place where we're just like, oh, it's just so overwhelming. It's just so exhausting. I have all of these Christmas parties to go to. I have all of these gifts to prepare for these people. I still haven't wrapped the Christmas gifts for my family. I have all this prep work to do and these pies to make and these cookies to make and plates of cookies to take to the neighbors and friend gifts. And I've got all of this stuff. And we feel that it's overwhelming and exhausting. 

12:32 

Well, I want to offer to you that part of the overwhelm and part of the exhaust is that we just put a lot of stuff on our schedule. And we don't have to do all those things on our schedule. But oftentimes we want to do all of them. Could we cut back and have a less busy schedule? Absolutely we could. But do we want to? And maybe the answer when we really stand back is, "yes, I do want to. I want to cut back on some of this." But maybe the answer is, "I just really love all of these things. I want to keep doing all of these things." Okay. And guess what? We can. We just have to realize that with a very full schedule comes a tired body. And it can be exhausting. 

13:20 

Let me offer to you as well, though, that part of what creates the exhaustion and the overwhelm is the resistance that we add to it. I want you to imagine you, and Christmas standing up as a person against you, and you are facing them and you put your hands together so you're facing each other and you start pushing against each other and you push and you push and both of you are holding your ground. Nobody's getting pushed over, but you're just pushing and pushing. Think how much resistance, how much energy that resistance takes for you to continue to stand there. That is what we are doing. We are resisting what's going on. 

14:02 

I want you to imagine instead that you take Chaos that comes to Christmas dinner and comes to spend the holiday with you. And you walk over to Chaos and you stand side by side and you actually just link arms with Chaos and you're like, "oh, hey, Chaos. Welcome to Christmas. So glad to have you here again." Because guess what? Chaos always comes. And we can resist chaos and be angry and frustrated and annoyed that chaos shows up in which case we're going to be acting annoyed and frustrated and short-tempered and silent treatment and sulking. Or we can just say, hey, chaos is here. It's part of what goes on. And we can lean into chaos and just say, glad to have you here. 

14:53 

And we can stop the resistance. The resistance is part of what creates so much of the exhaustion and so much of the overwhelm. Because we keep thinking it shouldn't be this way. We shouldn't have so much chaos. There shouldn't be so many messes. There shouldn't be so much fighting. But guess what? There should be because chaos is part of Christmas. It's part of the Christmas adventure that we sign up for. So we get to move to a place where we say, of course chaos is here. Of course the kids are going to fight.

15:32 

We look at our kids. They have got emotions all over the place with Christmas. Some of them, if they're still in school, especially high school or in college, they just came off of finals. They've been a little bit stressed. They're wanting a break. They have high energy maybe, especially if they're younger around all of the excitement of Christmas. They've been busy as well with band concerts and choral concerts and all the kinds of stuff that goes on, right? We end up having a lot of drama because guess what? There are games that people play that they don't get along. 

16:13 

People have been traveling and sometimes the travel is a little bit sketchy because of the weather. People are sleeping in weird places, some of them on the floor. Sometimes in my family, it was like nose-to-toes sleeping, right? We were just people all over the floor and there's just so much going on there. And of course the house is messy. If we've got an extra 10 or 15 people staying in our house, of course it's going to be messy. Of course not every person is going to load their dishes right into the dishwasher or notice that the dishwasher needs to be emptied and emptied it. Of course there are going to be a lot of people who don't even notice that the trash bins need to be emptied. Of course, you know, of course we're going to have these messes. There's going to be clothes left all over and people are going to leave books and games and stuff and cords and all the stuff around the house. Of course it's going to be messy. 

17:04 

So leaning into chaos says, of course this is how it is. Of course this is what happens when everybody's here for Christmas. This is just what happens. So learning to lean in. Now remember that primitive brain is a drama queen, right? Your primitive brain wants to make a big deal out of all this stuff. It wants to throw temper tantrums and say, "I don't want this. I don't want this messy house. I don't want people fighting. I don't want people to be complaining about this. I want everybody to be happy. I want everybody to be kind," right? Primitive brain is going to create a lot of drama. And we just get to be aware. We get to watch our brain. We get to watch our brain resist the chaos. And we get to go, "listen, brain, it's okay. Of course, all of this stuff happens. This is what Christmas is about. Christmas is not only about the calm, but it's also about the chaos." 

18:06 

So we can practice leaning in to the chaos. Not that we have to encourage it. And obviously, if the kids are fighting and they start pulling out the kitchen knives, we want to put a stop to that. But guess what? Regular fighting with our kids, that is how they figure out how to navigate difficult situations in relationships. Our siblings, when we're growing up, are our best teacher for how to navigate difficult relationships. So if we can start to normalize and neutralize the chaos, the things that we interpret as being chaotic. Okay? Normalize. Of course this happens. Of course the house is going to be messy. Neutralize it. It doesn't mean anything. A lot of times we want to make all of these things mean something about us, right? 

19:01 

If people are not enjoying themselves, we want to make it mean that I'm doing something wrong. I don't have enough prepared. I didn't buy the right gifts. I whatever, right? But guess what? All of this chaos doesn't mean anything. And it is not about your worth. It says nothing about your value as a person, as a mom, that things are messy. That people have left dirty socks all over the place. That there are empty candy wrappers and cups and plates and forks all over the house. It means nothing about your worth. Guess what? It's just chaos came for Christmas. And it's okay. "Hey, chaos. How you doing? Glad to have you here," right? Chaos is not your worth. It means nothing about you. It just means that people are people and we're going to bump into each other. 

19:57 

We're going to have different ideas about what should be happening and who should take that long of a shower and who is spending too much time in the bathroom. It just means that we're going to have different ideas about when to leave to go see the Christmas lights. Do we leave 15 minutes early or do we leave 15 minutes late? Guess what? Everybody's going to have different ideas about that. And none of that means anything about you. And none of it means anything about your worth or your preparation or how good of a mom you are. It just means that people are people and they get to choose how they're going to show up. That is part of the chaos of Christmas. It's part of the Christmas adventure. 

20:41 

Another thing that all of this Christmas adventure gives us is the opportunity to practice staying in our own lane. We get to say, "listen, what am I responsible for here?" So if your two adult kids are getting on each other, maybe they have different political views or different ideas about something else and they're kind of going at it, guess what? None of your business. It is none of your business. Their relationship is between them. You do not need to step in and fix it. You do not need to resolve  the problem. You don't need to protect one of them from the other. These are adult people who get to manage their own relationship. You have a relationship with one child and you have a relationship with the other child. That is all that matters to you. Their relationship between them, 100% their responsibility. Okay, you staying in your lane says, "oh, I'm going to love this child and I'm going to love this child." And they can be frustrated, upset, even angry, or even livid with each other. And that's none of your business, honestly. 

21:54 

So what if some of the kids are having a tough time with your spouse and your spouse is kind of, let's say he's being a jerk. He might be, right? Guess what? None of your business. You have a relationship with your spouse. You have a relationship with your child. And their relationship is theirs. It is not yours to fix if something is going awry. If they're struggling, having a conversation or getting along or whatever, none of your business. And again, it doesn't mean anything about your worth if their relationship is struggling. It really has nothing to do with you. None of your business at all. Okay? 

22:38 

So I want you to recognize that chaos and calm are both part of our Christmas adventure. And there's kind of this ebb and flow that goes on. If we stand back and just kind of watch it, we will see that there are times that we go pretty close to the calm side and everybody's happy and we're watching the story of the nativity on a movie and everybody's kind of feeling the spirit and we're all happy and we hit this calm and then the movie ends and something else happens and people start playing games and pretty soon people are fighting, right? There's this ebb and flow between calm and chaos. And sometimes we ebb clear to the calm side and sometimes we ebb clear to the chaos side. And sometimes we just have this gentle back and forth between calm and chaos in between. 

23:27 

But they are both invited to Christmas. They are both part of the Christmas experience. And we get to allow them to exist peacefully. We get to allow both of them to be there at Christmas and realize that they're both just part of the Christmas adventure. And this ebb and flow, this calm and chaos is not a problem to be solved. It's an adventure to be experienced. This is what we get to learn to do at Christmas. This Christmas time gives us so many opportunities to learn how to lean into difficult situations rather than resist them, to protect our energy. As we have a lot going on anyway, let's not resist the things that come up like chaos. Let's just lean in and say, "oh, of course everybody's upset. Of course the kids are a little bit high energy. Of course half the family is running late." That's just how it works when we get families and lots of different people together. People who value different things, people who see the world from different perspectives. And guess what? Even though they were all raised in your home does not mean they are all the same. 

24:46 

And you know that as well as I do, it does not mean that they have the same perspective on being on time, right? I was a psycho, "let's be on time" person. And I have a couple of kids who are just as happy as a clam being late. Does not even bother them, right? And I'm over there just like scratching my skin going, this is making me all itchy inside. And they just don't care. And I have other kids who are like, "listen, I'm on time for everything. I just, I don't want to be late. I think it's rude," right? My kids are all different. And we know that they are. And all of this, if we start looking at it as an adventure to be experienced rather than a problem to solve, it's something we just get to lean into and realize that the chaos is part of the beauty of Christmas, as is the calm. 

25:35 

Let's lean into the ebb and flow between calm and chaos. And let's really experience what Christmas has to offer us, which is real people in real relationships learning to love each other in the challenge of humanity. Because that's what it is. We're a bunch of humans figuring it out a piece at a time. And sometimes it goes smoothly and it's calm. And sometimes it doesn't go smoothly and it's chaos. And it's all good. That is what relationships are. Relationships are never going to be smooth selling all the time. Relationships require adjusting and figuring things out and difficult conversations and patience and tolerance and compromise, right? This is all part of the Christmas experience. It's part of the human experience. And just because it's Christmas does not mean that the difficult parts of humanity go away. 

26:47 

So lean into the Christmas adventure. Experience it with new eyes. Learn to say, of course, this is what's going on. Of course it is. This is what happens when we get 15 people together in a house. It's going to be chaotic sometimes. 

27:08 

Okay, my friends, that is going to do it for me today. What a blessing it is to have people in our lives that give us things to work on and that provide us with opportunities to see ourselves and to practice staying in our lane and to practice loving all the people and to practice leaning into the 50-50 of life. It is a blessing. And I just pray that these next few weeks for you, as many of us have a lot of people in our homes and a lot of travel going on and a lot of other things, I just pray that you can pay attention to the drama that your primitive brain wants to create and call it out and just say, listen, listen, primitive brain, thanks for trying to protect me, but guess what? We're all safe here. They can have a discussion about politics and we're still safe. There's nothing to get upset about. It's just part of the ebb and flow of the Christmas adventure. Have a beautiful Christmas and I will see you next time. Bye. 

28:13 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "Weekend Win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!