00:00 

Well, hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 390," You Can't Fill Their Bucket." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just go into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright. Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. As always, just super glad to have you here. Really quick, my next Talk with Tanya is going to be January 13th. If you can believe we're talking about 2026 already, but there you have it. If you want to get signed up for that, you can go to my website, click on the group coaching tab, and there will be a place for you to sign up. And it has a link that it will send you in an email. So I think you will enjoy that if you have not been to that. This last time we talked about adult kids and not getting all wrapped up in what your kids are doing and thinking that you have to manage all of them and juggle all of them because they're adults and they get to do their own stuff. We talked about working with an ex-spouse on information and what to do when they are not willing to join in the conversation. And when they say, "I don't want to talk about this anymore," how do you work through that? We're just having some great discussions. So I hope that you will join us for one of those soon. 

01:24 

Alright, let's go ahead and, oh, and I've got those two classes coming up. I still have not nailed down dates. Sione and I have got a lot of traveling to do during those few months, and we do not have that nailed down first. And I need to get those travel dates down so that we can get these classes done. But I'm doing two classes. The first one is Should I Stay or Should I Go? And this is for those people who are on the brink of, "I cannot figure out if I need to get divorced. Do I need to stay? What is going on here? How do I figure this out?" I know a lot of people are like, "listen, I'm just going to stay for the holidays. I'm going to, I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to create problems before the holidays with everybody. I want everybody to have a good holiday season." I get it. This is a tough, tough decision and it impacts a lot of people. But for those of you who are just kind of holding on, thinking, "I don't know, I don't know whether to stay or to go," this is going to be a really, really great six-week class where we talk about how do you make that decision? How do you get yourself in the best place to be able to make that decision? I think you're going to love that class. 

02:28 

The second one that I'm going to be doing is called The Ultimate Date Night. And this is going to be for couples, but not couples in crisis. This is couples who are, okay, we're not perfect, none of us, but this is couples we're doing pretty good and we want to uplevel our game. We are both invested in doing something better, creating something richer and deeper and more intimate. 

02:51 

So this is for those couples who want that. And both of these classes will be six weeks. They are both limited in number because I really like to keep those classes small so that we can have just really great discussions and y'all can get comfortable being with each other and sharing with each other. So both of those are going to start in January. If you just want to make sure that you get the email about those and you know about them before, like as soon as possible, make sure that you are getting my email. It's called the Weekend Win and it comes out usually on Friday or Saturday, or Sunday if I don't get around to it on the other two days. But it's just a great email that just short tidbits of information, but that is also the first place that I put the classes when they come up so that you can make sure that you're finding out about those. Alright, they're both going to be great. If you're in one of those situations, I think you would love it. 

03:46 

Alright, so today we are talking about how you can't fill their buckets. So I know that I've talked about this analogy here before. So you remember the analogy from the 80s and 90s where we learned about our buckets and they get filled and empties as we engage in life and that we need to keep our buckets full so that we can serve and love and give. So I've  covered that aspect of the buckets in my podcast number 238, "Overflow." That will be in the show notes below. I guess not below here on the podcast, but if you look in your show notes of the podcast, you'll see that. And you're going to want to check that one out if you haven't yet. That's one of my favorites. 

04:25 

But today I want to talk about a little bit different aspect of bucket filling. And that is when we think that we can fill someone else's bucket or that they can fill ours. Because what I want all of us to deeply understand is that we cannot fill anyone else's bucket and nobody else can fill ours. And this is the place where the bucket analogy breaks down because in our heads, when we think of a bucket, we see something with an intact bottom that you can fill with whatever and anybody can fill it with whatever they want. 

04:59 

But when it comes to our emotional capacity to engage in the world, our own bucket, in essence, that is our work and ours alone. Nobody else can gift us resilience or determination. No one can give us a strong sense of self, a feeling of worth and value. Nobody can endow us with courage and faith. All of these types of characteristics and values and all those like them are developed inside each one of us individually by ourselves. And it will always be problematic when a person expects another person to build them up in these types of endeavors because it just cannot be done. 

05:43 

A big struggle that I often see is when one spouse, let's use the wife in this example, when she struggles with her self-worth. She doesn't see that she is valuable or deserves good things in her life. Now, the reasons for getting to a place where we question our worth are so varied and they can be worked through. And to be honest, they must be worked through for any person to engage in this world and in relationships in healthy ways. Because when a person who struggles feeling valuable or worthwhile enters into a relationship, they will frequently be seeking validation from their spouse that they are valuable. They want their spouse to fill their bucket with worth. They will often be seeking for words of affirmation, either by demanding them outright or feeling all neglected and hurt when they don't get them spontaneously. 

06:36 

And what happens is when they do get some good words of affirmation, it feels good, but only for a very, very short time. Because if this person does not believe those words of affirmation themselves in their own brain and in their own heart, then when someone else gives it to them, it doesn't last. It passes right through their bucket. So for example, let's say the woman really struggles with her body image. Her husband can tell her all day long that she is beautiful, that he finds her body enticing, that he's so attracted to her. She may get a quick hit of dopamine when he says it, but then her brain will immediately start to refute what he just said. "Oh, but my thighs are too big," or "I'm 30 pounds overweight," or "my hair needs a fresh cut and color," or "I'm just too plain, my nose is too big," ad nauseum, let's just keep going, right? So even though she gets told what she thinks she wants to hear, it doesn't stick because her brain doesn't believe it. 

07:41 

And we can't talk someone into having more confidence. We cannot give someone self-worth just by telling them that they have it. All of this is internal work, things that we have to believe about ourselves just because we choose to. And none of it can be given to us by someone else. And we can't earn that worth. We just have to choose to believe in it. So until this particular woman makes peace with her body and really comes to appreciate, like, and even love her body, people could tell her all day long how amazing her body is and she would not believe it. She will continue to languish in the thought and feeling that she is ugly or not skinny enough or not whatever, right? 

08:32 

But what happens is we tend to think that we get our confidence from other people. We get our worth from other people valuing us. And that if they tell us something enough, that we will believe it. So we continue to ask and ask and ask for the same things. And it gets old for both people in the relationship. The person asking will start to get critical of the person giving because they're just not doing it right. It's not sincere enough or it's not often enough or it's not eloquent enough. It just doesn't sound and feel like it came out of a Hallmark movie, darn it. We tend to think that if they were doing it right, it would make us feel better than it does. But it can't feel good because our immediate thoughts negate what they're saying or doing. 

09:27 

And then the relationship starts to struggle. The person needing that validation becomes needier and needier, and the person giving the words of affirmation becomes more and more frustrated because nothing they seem to be saying is making a difference, and they're always being told that they're not doing it right. And the demands are constant and never enough. This is when we will start to say that a person is needy. Oh, they're just so needy. It's when we can give and give and give and it is never enough. It gets tiring and exhausting and most people will start to then give less and less, to back off, to put up walls. 

10:13 

And then they find themselves leaning out of the relationship because it takes too much energy to keep giving, to keep leaning in. Then the relationship starts to break down and have communication issues. They start fighting over not being loved enough or never doing anything right, neither of which is true, but they sure seem big and true and horrible all at the same time. And it all starts with this idea that someone else can fill our bucket and someone else should fill our bucket, but no one else can give you the emotional maturity that you need to love yourself and accept and appreciate yourself. 

10:56 

Now, that's not to say that we don't all love some external validation once in a while. I believe that's a very human thing to want and to love. But we have to get to the point that the validation from others is not expected to fill our own cup. Okay, so validation from other people is like sprinkles on a cupcake. Now, sprinkles look cute. They're fun, they're enjoyable, but they have no nutritional value. They don't have any flavor. There's no substance to the sprinkles. And that's how other people's validation is for us. It can be great to hear. It can give a quick hit of fun and enjoyment, but it's short-lived. The real substance to the cupcake is the cake and the frosting. That's what really makes a cupcake a cupcake. That's why it's delicious and delightful. 

11:56 

We have to have the mindset that we are the cupcake and the frosting. We have to have the internal validation that will make us yummy and enticing all within ourselves. Because if I don't believe it first, other people telling it to me won't make me believe it. It won't make me feel better. It's great when other people tell me great things about myself. I appreciate it when they do. I like validation. But if I don't believe it first, it doesn't have any staying power. 

12:29 

A frequent complaint of people who want someone else to fill their bucket is that they're lonely. There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone means that you are by yourself. You don't have a partner or a spouse. Maybe you live alone or something like that. Okay. But when a person talks about being lonely, they're often, this is my definition, right? They're not talking about being alone as much as they're saying that they need someone else in their life to make them feel good, to make them feel loved and appreciated and wanted and whole. But the problem here is that another person cannot do that for us. 

13:13 

If you've ever been in a tough marriage situation, you know that another person just being there can't make you feel good or loved or accepted. And even if they engage in a great way with amazing actions in your circumstance line, your brain will negate it all if you don't believe it first yourself. We have to fill our own bucket. We have to believe that we are a person of worth, that we are good and acceptable, and we need to appreciate and love ourselves. When we really move into this strong sense of self, this strong self-acceptance, then we can be alone but not feel lonely. We're okay being by ourselves because guess what? We enjoy being with us. We are great company for ourselves. And that's not to say that we don't want to share our lives with someone else, but we don't want someone in our lives to fill us up or to complete us or to make us feel whole. We're not needy for someone to make us feel complete. We want someone in our lives because we want to love someone. We want to share our lives with another person. We want to create and experience the intimacy that we are capable of in a beautiful relationship. 

14:36 

But even if we don't have someone and we are alone, we don't feel like we're swimming in loneliness. We are comfortable with ourselves and happy with ourselves. We find fulfilling work and activities that keep us growing and flourishing. We don't need someone to share our life with, but we would like someone to share our life with. The more we take responsibility for filling our own bucket, the less lonely we will feel, even if we are alone. We will feel strong and capable and confident and valuable, all without the validation of another person. Then, when we do find a person, it is all the more beautiful because the relationship isn't taxed by demands on the other person that they just can't fulfill. 

15:28 

So we can't look to a spouse or a partner to fill our bucket because it just can't be done. That is our work and ours alone to do. If we look to another person to do it for us, it will slowly break down the relationship. So if no one can fill your bucket, guess what else is true? It's correct. You cannot fill anyone else's bucket either. 

16:00 

In one of my first few years of teaching eighth grade, I read a book called "Mindset" by Dr. Carol Dweck, and it changed everything for me about the way that I think about these things. In it, Dr. Dweck talks about how people have either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. A fixed mindset basically says, "that's the way I am. I can't change. It's how I was since I've been born. I've always been this way. I will always be this way." So they're either smart or they're not. They're driven or they're not. They're good at sports or they're not. They're a good listener or they're not. They see their identity as fixed, as something that doesn't change. A growth mindset, on the other hand, has the belief that as a person, they can figure out anything, that they can learn new things and become new things. They are capable of growth in any area. 

16:54 

And the reason this is so important in the context of this discussion is because the way we speak to ourselves in our head has everything to do with the course that we choose to take on a day-to-day basis. And the way we choose to speak to others also makes a huge impact. So as a young mom, I was really focused on wanting to build my kids and their confidence. I wanted them to believe that they were strong and capable. So I said a lot of things like, "oh, you're just so smart. Oh, you're so good at soccer." So, and then while reading Dr. Dweck's book, I realized that those types of statements were feeding a fixed mindset. By telling a child that they were smart, they began to identify with being smart. It became their identity. That doesn't seem so bad until we realize that the first time they struggle with a concept at school or the first time they fail a test, that piece of their identity being smart gets questioned. Now notice that their identity comes into question rather than their ability. If they have always believed "I am smart," and then they get some evidence that they're not smart because they didn't pass a test, they start to question their identity. 

18:14 

Okay, so the exact same thing when I would say, "oh, you're so good at soccer." Then the first time that they don't make the cut for the higher level team or they're cut from the starting lineup, they start to question their identity as a good soccer player. And then, because their identity is threatened and that feels super uncomfortable, they are more likely to quit trying because their identity is no longer intact. So instead of complementing the outcome, meaning the A on the test or the scoring of the goal for the team, Dr. Dweck suggests that we start focusing on the effort expended to create the success. So instead of "you're so smart," we would say, "you've been working really hard to learn those concepts. Nicely done." Notice the focus on the effort, the working really hard, rather than focusing on the outcome, which is the grade on the test. 

19:18 

In the soccer example, rather than saying, "you scored a goal, you're the best player on the team," focusing on a growth mindset will say something like, "wow, I can really tell you've been working on your left-footed shot. That goal looked really strong." Here again, notice the focus on the effort expended, the practicing of the left-footed shot, rather than the outcome, which is the goal. 

19:43 

So let me tie in this growth and fixed mindset back into the bucket analogy. We cannot fill our children's bucket or our spouse's bucket. When we say things that are a fixed mindset focus, that's generally what we're trying to do. We're trying to fill their bucket. We're trying to give them confidence. When we are giving them thoughts that we think they need to feel better about themselves, thoughts that we think will help them feel confident and valuable, it's just not going to work. But remember that when those types of thoughts are given to them, that if they don't believe them first, their brains will reject them. Or as Dr. Dweck surmised, it gives them a false confidence that isn't founded in a strong sense of self. So it will crumble at the first resistance. 

20:34 

So rather than feeding them fixed mindset thoughts, we can learn to focus instead on giving them growth mindset thoughts. So instead of "you're a great presenter, you'll do great today," a comment like, "you've been working really hard to be prepared for your presentation today. I'm looking forward to hearing how it goes." Here's what this does: by focusing on the effort rather than the outcome, we are helping to give them a way to identify with being a hard worker or someone who diligently prepares. We're just pointing out the effort that we are seeing. If they can say, you know, "I have worked really hard to prepare for this presentation," they are then strengthening their own sense of self by supporting and sustaining their efforts. And when we can speak to ourselves in ways like, like, "I've worked really hard to figure this out," or "I've figured things out like this in the past," or "that's frustrating that didn't work out. I wonder what I could have done differently?" 

21:42 

That sounds so different than, "oh, I always mess up this stuff," or "what is wrong with me," or "I should have known better." Can you even just feel the difference in those? When we learn to speak to others with a growth mindset focus, we are telling them things that they can connect with. And even if the outcome isn't what they hoped for or anticipated, the focus is on the effort rather than the outcome. We also are not connecting their worth as a person, their value as a person to the outcome. Rather, they are able to start connecting their identity to what really matters, which is their capacity to put forth effort, to keep trying. 

22:27 

So in these types of scenarios, we're not filling their buckets because we can't do that, but I do see that we are giving them thought tools to fill their own bucket. We are helping to prime the pump with productive thoughts that can help them to strengthen their own sense of self. 

22:44 

And a last thought on filling other people's buckets. Some of you may be wondering, if I'm not filling their bucket, then why is it important for me to give words of affirmation or physical touch? Why would I expend the energy to compliment them and express gratitude to them? So first, I believe we show up that way because it's the kind of person we want to be. We want to be a person who is grateful, who puts good out into the world, who seeks to notice the goodness in others, and share kind and nurturing thoughts. We want to make the world a better place. We're not trying to manipulate others by making them think or feel a certain way. We're not trying to plant thoughts into their brain. We just can't do that anyway. We can't get in anybody else's head and make them think any thought. We really are tapping into our own values of the kind of person that we want to be and leaning into being a person who is a builder instead of a wrecker. 

23:45 

Second, I believe we show up this way in relationships because even though our kind thoughts and expressions of love will not fill another person's bucket, they do share the sentiment that we see the other person, that we appreciate them, and that they are important for us to have in our lives. This doesn't fill their personal bucket, but it does let them know that we appreciate being in a relationship with them. It lets them know that we value them and our relationship with them. So we are stepping into the relationship circle with these kinds of interactions. I did a podcast almost two years ago called "Why Our Relationships Need Validation," where I talk more in depth about this one. So you're going to want to look for that one in the show notes as well. 

24:36 

We cannot strengthen somebody else's sense of self. We can't fill their bucket with confidence and worth. Those things have to come from within them. But we can let them know that we appreciate having a connection with them, that they are important to us, that we want them in our lives, that we see their efforts to do great things. That is why we show up with kindness and gratitude and awareness in our relationships and with growth mindset comments. It lets them know that they are being seen and heard. We can't fill anyone else's bucket, so stop trying to make them feel better or to think more positively with your own comments. That has a manipulative vibe to it. 

25:21 

Instead, show up with compliments and kindness and gratitude because that is the person you want to be in the world. Because it feels genuine and authentic for you to engage with others in a way that expresses their importance in your life. Because that is in alignment with who and how you want to be. Okay, that is going to do it for me today. Check out the show notes if you want to learn a little bit more about this. I'll have several podcasts in there that you can listen to to complement this information. And my friends, if this rings true to you, if this is valuable information for you, I would love to have you share this with other people who can also connect with this information. 

26:13 

And if you feel the drive to step into something better, to create something more substantial and beautiful in your life, if you feel stuck in your relationship, in your ability to see your own stuff and to grow into the person that you want to be, coaching is a brilliant process. As your coach, I can help you see things that you cannot see. So you can speed up your growth and  progress in amazing ways working with a coach. The one-on-one attention that you get makes such a huge difference in what you see and how you can address it. It makes all the difference to have this capacity in our lives to grow and to self reflect and to confront ourselves and to confront our weaknesses. And I get to be part of helping you do that. People don't hire me to be their friend. You have a lot of people in your life who are going to say, "oh yeah, that guy's a jerk," or who are going to say, "oh, you're fine, everything's okay." That's not why you would hire me. You would hire me because I will tell you the truth. 

27:42 

I will show you what I'm seeing and the patterns that are happening in your life. And only when we interrupt those patterns and see them for what they are and create a new and healthier pattern, that is the only way that things are going to change. And I help you see those patterns. Far, far too many of us are living a life well below our capacity. We are not stepping up into the joy that we were created to have. And it's because we just don't see the stuff. We don't have the tools. And I can help you see them. 

28:20 

So if you want to move forward, if you want to get unstuck in your life, go to tanyahale.com, click on the free consultation tab, get on my calendar. Let's do some coaching. Let's talk about how it can help you progress and move forward into the next best version of yourself. Okay, that's going to do it for me, my friends. Have an awesome, awesome week. And I hope to see you on my calendar soon. Talk to you next week. Bye. 

28:49 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "Weekend Win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!