00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 388: "Is it I?" Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just go into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you. I just love creating this content for you. I love the way that my brain has to put pieces together and how I feel like God inspires me and teaches me things along the way. I think this podcast has been the impetus for some of my greatest growth in the last six and a half years as I have really invested myself and put a lot of effort into making sure that I have given you a podcast every week for six and a half years. And I'm so proud of myself for doing that and so proud of the growth that I have gone through in creating this and really grateful that you are coming and are interested in this growth as well. Whether you ever work with me or not, I'm just proud of you for being here, proud of you for being courageous enough to look at yourself and to try and understand and to figure things out. And I hope that the things that you are finding here are helpful and are helping you to make sense of what sometimes feels like a very messy life. 

01:27 

Because I get it. I remember being in a place in my previous marriage where I was just like, "I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's wrong here. I cannot figure this out." And it was super difficult. And I remember the challenge and the feeling like I was in limbo all the time. And this content has taught me how to get out of limbo. 

01:50 

So with that in mind, starting mid-January, I don't have my dates completely solidified yet, but because we're going to be doing some traveling, but I'm going to be doing two classes and they're going to be brand new classes that I have not done before. The first one is going to be called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" This is for those of you who are just like, "okay, I want to keep my family together through the holidays. I want, you know, I don't want to disrupt anything. I'm just holding on and then I'm going to be making a decision." And this class is for you. This is going to be one where we really just talk about how do we make probably one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult, decisions of our lives. My decision to get divorced was the most difficult decision of my life. It was just so hard to think about all the things that were at stake. And is it better to go so that we can grow and progress and feel better? Is it better to stay for the kids? And I'm going to tell you, there's no right answer, but we can absolutely get to a place where we can have our own backs regardless of what the decision is. So if you are in that situation or if you know someone who is in this tenuous situation, I would love for you to share this information with them. I do not have it up on my website yet. Give me a couple of weeks. I just kind of this morning solidified my ideas of what I want to do. 

03:24 

The other class I'm going to be doing is going to be for couples. And I've only done couple stuff, as far as a class goes, one other time, but this one's going to be called The Ultimate Date Night. And this is going to be a class where couples come, we're going to have topics of discussion that are going to deepen our connection, deepen our intimacy. We're going to learn how to have those discussions in really loving, meaningful ways where we keep our defensiveness intact, even when we're talking about some serious issues. So we're going to have, and both of those classes are going to be six weeks, six weeks long, and I think they're going to be really, really great. And I'm excited to have you join me for those. 

04:08 

So that being said, let's go ahead and, oh, wait, one more thing. Talk with Tanya is December 9th. We have some great discussions that we do there. If you are interested in that, you go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can go to the group coaching tab. And under that, you can sign up for the class. And with that, you will receive an email with a link. And that link will lead you to the Zoom classroom where we have those chats. So we talk about, we've talked about, well, this last one, we  talked a lot about Thanksgiving coming up and all these adult children and all the expectations and what do you do and how do we set boundaries and how do we stop being a victim? And such a great, great discussion. If you would love to join us there, I would love to have you sign up for that and be part of the discussion. 

04:58 

Alright, now let's jump in. Alright. So a few weeks ago, probably about a month ago, I was reminded of the Last Supper with Jesus Christ and his disciples. And when Christ revealed that one of them would betray him, the disciples, this intrigued me, with sorrow and self-reflection, they asked, "is it I, Lord?" And this really touched my heart as I thought about this question in relation to the work that I do as a divorce and difficult relationship coach. A huge part of working with my clients is helping them to look inside themselves, to see what's going on in their hearts and their heads, and to clean it up, to get in alignment with the person they really want to be, because that is all that we can control. 

05:46 

And this question, "is it I?", is a powerful example of people doing just that. To me, it seems as though it could have been so easy for any of the disciples to start looking around the table and pointing fingers at who they thought would be the most likely to betray Christ. And it might have even felt like Christ was accusing them of being disloyal. And I can imagine in that situation the flames of defensiveness that would start burning in my chest as I would have felt all self-righteous and indignant. And I'm sure they all had a burning love for Christ, as was evidenced by their willingness to put that love into action by sacrificing so much to follow him in the previous couple of years. 

06:29 

And as a testament of that love, to their deep change of heart, when Christ told them that someone was going to betray them, they didn't immediately look outward to blame, to accuse, to attack, or criticize their fellow disciples. It didn't seem as though they got defensive at all. Instead, they looked inward. They questioned their own motives and their own desires of heart. Is it I? Am I the one who could do this? Am I the one who will falter? Am I capable of betraying my Savior? What a powerful example of a change of heart, of something that, for me at least, does not come easily. For me, it is this powerful example of a change of mind. 

07:20 

Our primitive brain is always scanning our environment, asking, am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? It is constantly on the lookout for danger and it is ready in a moment's notice to go into protective mode. And our defensive reactions are part of that protective mode. It's a way that our primitive brain seeks to keep us safe from something that seems dangerous. And let's be clear, someone falsely accusing us can feel super dangerous to our brain. When we're caught up in the thick of the moment and emotions are running a bit hot, we don't see it clearly and it can feel very treacherous. 

07:57 

And this feeling of danger makes it very easy for our brain to go into drama mode, into this space of, "oh my gosh, how can you even accuse me of that? Don't you know me at all? How could you even think that of me?" And if you're like me, that's happened once or twice before in our lives, right? I'm sure that your brain knows this drama drill because mine sure does. This last summer, I had an experience where I had done something that I felt was pretty good. I was proud of myself. I was feeling some real self-pride for showing up the way that I did. And then later, when it was mentioned that something I had done in that situation was not quite right, that I had messed up on something, my immediate reaction was to deny that I could have messed it up because I had been so careful in doing it. And I literally could not see how I could have made that mistake. My impulsive reaction was to get defensive, to deny my mistake, to see myself above making that type of mistake in that situation, and to shut down the comment. 

09:04 

And here's the fascinating thing: the comment wasn't even criticism or blame. It was just an observation. It wasn't even meant to be like, "oh, you did this wrong." It was just like, "oh, well, this is what we saw." So there really wasn't any reason for me to get defensive at all. It was a comment made with some curiosity and then just sharing some data. But I was so invested in my story that I had done something so good and so well that when this small mistake was pointed out, I couldn't see it clearly to create a space for me to have done it wrong. So I started feeling a bit defensive, even though there really wasn't anything to feel defensive about. 

09:45 

And it all happened so, so fast. I was questioning the error before I even had a coherent thought about it. I was defending myself as though I had been attacked, which I absolutely had not been attacked. It was a gentle teasing, really. But my first impulse was to defend myself and my behaviors, thinking that I was so right. Being able to take feedback, data, if you will, with an open heart, with some fascination and curiosity, really requires that I allow a lot of space in my life story to allow for humanity. To have the change of heart that would have me responding immediately with intrigued acknowledgement rather than defensive denial seems like such a far way off for me. To immediately and impulsively look inward and ask, "oh, is it I?" Rather than looking outward to see where others might be lacking, that's a big ask. At least it's a big ask for me. And it requires so much awareness. 

10:51 

And to be honest, I'm not sure any of us have the capacity to have that type of hypervigilance and awareness all of the time. In my situation, I was able to self-correct fairly quickly, but the reason why is because after I denied my error, someone pointed out my defensive behavior. I don't know that right away immediately if I would have seen it that quickly without someone else's help. And I believe that when I defended myself, one of my daughters said something like, "see, she can't even admit she's wrong." I don't think that's exactly what they said, but close enough, right? And I immediately went, "whoa, wait a minute." And true, I was not seeing where I was wrong because I was so convinced that I was right and that I was amazing. 

11:44 

And honestly, it's okay to think that we're amazing and to acknowledge that we have done something we're proud of. Where this situation got me hung up was not that I was happy with how I showed up, but that when confronted with an error, I got defensive. I couldn't possibly see how I could have made the mistake that was being presented to me or that I had done something wrong. This situation gave me some great insight to see that I still have some pretty good capital W Work to do in order to truly respond like a disciple of Christ with humility and self-awareness and being able to reply with, "is it I?" 

12:21 

This is the space in our lives where we are presented with an opportunity for growth. We can be willing to be wrong. We can set aside our pride and our ego that is desperate to be right, and we can be willing to be corrected. These are the gold nuggets we get to search for in our lives. These are the experiences, the small pieces of information, that will propel us forward if we are willing to be wrong, willing to see what others are trying to show us, and willing to assess ourselves and see where we can improve. Eventually, hopefully, getting to the point where we can easily and quickly respond with, "is it I?" It will happen, hopefully. And hopefully someday it will be an automatic response. And in the meantime, we get to figure out how to take these moments of awareness and turn them into something beautiful, turn them into movement toward becoming the person who will eventually be able to respond with, is it I? 

13:21 

But until that time, wouldn't it be amazing if I could have responded with, "oh, wow, really? I totally missed that," rather than defensiveness. And then look a little deeper, journal about it, work with a coach, talk to people you trust, and figure out what's behind the defensiveness. Come to understand the situation better so that you can clean it up. And maybe someday we'll get to the point where our initial response will be, "is it I?" And in the meantime, we get to deal with our brain drama that wants to get defensive and deny that we could make a mistake. And we get to practice circling back around and cleaning things up. 

13:56 

So just for fun, let's go back and review the four A's of circling back around. First of all, we have to become aware that we have behaved in a way that is out of alignment with who I ultimately want to be. I have to see what I haven't seen. Two, we want to acknowledge. Once I see it, I have to be willing to own it. I have to acknowledge to myself what I have done that is out of alignment. Sometimes we see our crap and instead of ow 

14:25 

ning it, we look away to pretend it doesn't exist or we refuse to acknowledge that we did anything wrong. And I'm hoping you're understanding that the reason I know about looking away or refusing to acknowledge is because those are some of my standard go-tos, right? This is what we do as humans. And so we need to acknowledge to ourself, but also we need to acknowledge to the other person that I'm aware of my misalignment. So acknowledging to myself and to the other person. 

14:51 

Third A, I want to apologize to the other person. This necessitates not only an, "I'm sorry," but as well, I want you to start adding this other part that I really love. And it says, "that's not the person I want to be in this relationship." I love adding this piece because it acknowledges to the other person that I'm working to show up better, that I'm paying attention, not just in this instance, but in every aspect of my relationship with them. I want to be better. To me, it sends the message that I value our relationship and I'm aware of how my behavior is making things difficult and that I'm consciously working to be a better person in the relationship. And all of this is part of the path that we walk to get to a point where we can honestly and sincerely ask, "is it I?" 

15:47 

But until that time, whether it's five seconds, five minutes, five hours, or five days later that I see my error and I circle back around to ask, "is it I?", I will celebrate my greater awareness and my willingness to realign with who I really want to be. And I will keep moving forward. Rather than beating myself down for making the mistake in the first place, I'm going to celebrate that I saw it and that I want to clean it up and that I'm working toward doing it better. Of course I won't be doing it perfectly. And when I see that I respond to another situation by looking outward first, I'll just circle back around and acknowledge my thinking and adjust to looking forward. 

16:34 

And over time, maybe when I'm what, like 92, maybe 102, my first thought will be, "is it I?" But in the meantime, I'm just going to keep seeking greater awareness and ask myself questions like, how am I hurting others? How am I not being Christ like in this situation? How am I not being compassionate or forgiving? How do I want to respond to this behavior or this accusation? How have I contributed to this situation? How can I love this person better? Learning to see in ourselves what we don't already see is such a huge part of the question, is it I? 

17:17 

The disciples, with genuine curiosity, were willing to ask the Lord if they were the ones who would betray him. They recognized that there were parts of themselves that they didn't yet know or understand and that it could have been them. This type of humility seems a long way off for me, but I also see that to be a disciple of Christ requires this change of heart, such that I, at some day, will easily and immediately look inward to responsibility rather than outward to blame. And I will get there. It will most likely take me a lifetime, if not more, but I'm seeking to increase my awareness and decrease my circle back around time. It's a process. It's something that will come a piece at a time. And that's how growth and progress come for us, a piece at a time, sprinkled with a hefty dose of compassion for our humanity. We weren't born to be perfect. We were born to make messes and then figure out how to clean them up. 

18:19 

Don't be afraid of the mess and don't be afraid of what it takes to clean it up. This whole process is what grows us into the ability to be more loving and kind. It's what creates the Christ-like compassion that elevates our lives and puts us into overflow. It's what deepens relationships into connection and intimacy. Choose to be willing to see your faults. Choose to be willing to confront your ego. Choose to be willing to really learn how to love others and yourself better and to offer a huge helping of grace wherever you go. 

18:55 

Because the answer to is it I and seeing that sometimes it is you is the process of learning to be more Christlike. And guess what? It's okay if it is you. It doesn't mean anything about your worth if it is you. It just means that you're a human doing what humans were created to do, making mistakes and figuring out how to clean them up and hopefully make less of those kinds of mistakes in the future. Growing up is a process, my friends. It's a piece at a time. It's incremental growth. When we can learn to lean into the concept of being in relentless pursuit of growth, it's okay when it's slow, but it will happen if we just keep trying, keep raising our awareness, keep paying attention to where am I not in alignment. 

19:49 

And sometimes that awareness comes when someone else says ouch to our behavior. And that's, for me, one of the biggest ways that I see where I am looking outward instead of inward is when someone else says, "hey, what about this?"And when I have the humility to really slow down and take a look at it and then the ability to start cleaning it up. This is what growing up into middle age is about. I think we have the experience, the knowledge, and the maturity to start really growing in to this space of acknowledging where we are at fault, being willing to be wrong so that we could be corrected through Christ. 

20:40 

I love this process. Thank you for joining me here and for being willing to look at yourself. Whether you ever hire me or not, this process is valuable. It will come and you will figure it out and I will figure it out. And we're just going to live these great, amazing, beautiful lives continually nudging ourselves more in the direction of where we want to go. Okay, my friends, that's going to do it for today. If you want to learn a little bit more about this, I didn't directly make reference to podcasts, but I have several others that talk about the concepts we talked about here. Go down to the show notes in whatever app you are looking at this on, and you can find several other of my podcasts that will help to enrich this content that you listen to here. And if this content resonates with you, and if you know people who would love this, I would love to have you share this podcast with other people and help this information to change relationships, to help people who are in especially difficult relationships to figure out how to clean it up and to know the process of what it's going to take to move in the direction that they want to. 

22:00 

Okay, and if you want to some one-on-one help with me, this time of year is a perfect time to do it. There can be so much drama over the holidays. The new year comes up and we all have all these expectations. We got to get everything where we want it to be. So if you want to work with me one-on-one or take advantage of the free 90 minute coaching call that I offer, please go to tanyahale.com, go to the free consultation button at the top and get on my calendar and let's do some work together. I love this work so much. It has changed my life and has created this life that feels like a miracle to me. Sione and I always just look at each other and go, "who gets this? Who gets this life?" And guess what? We do. And we've both busted our butts in learning and implementing tools and information like the stuff that I teach you that makes such a big difference in the kind of relationship that we are able to create. So that's going to do it for me. Have an awesome, awesome week, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

23:06 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.