00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 386: "Overcoming Resentment." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for showing up. So glad to have you here. Quick reminder, if you want to come to the next Talk with Tanya, just a free open webinar where you can ask questions, you can get coached, you can listen to other people get coached. That will be on December 9th. You will need to go to my website, tanyahale.com, go to the group coaching tab, and there will be a place for you to sign up for that, and you will get a link for the call. 

00:53 

And second, it is that time of year where you need to start thinking about me sending out my end of year review. Now, if you're new enough that you don't know what that is, you are absolutely going to want my end of year review. It is a spectacular tool to help you take a look at your year, analyze it, figure things out, and it makes it very clear the direction that you want to go the next year. And so you're going to want to go to, again, to my website, tanyahale.com. There will be a pop-up that says, you want to sign up for the weekend win. Click on that. Give me your email address. And you will get not only my weekend win most weekends, but you will also get my end of year review. And as an extra special bonus, and I've done this the last few years as well, I have the most delicious hot cocoa recipe. And if you're a hot cocoa fan like me, you will want this for sure. And I send that out with the end of your review. So you have to be getting my email to be able to get those. And you won't regret it because they're both spectacular and they will make next year the best year ever. 

02:07 

So, okay, that being said, we are going to tackle resentment this week. So because of the holidays, boy, is there ever a time where we start feeling resentment except around the holidays? Let's get this taken care of, right? This is why I'm doing my distressing your holidays class that just started last week. So we are going to tackle resentment. So here we go. Merriam-Webster defines resentment as a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. 

02:42 

So I would bet that all of us know what resentment feels like in our bodies. We ask our spouse for help cleaning up after the party and we end up doing it all ourselves because they got distracted watching the game or on their phone and we feel resentment. Maybe someone asked us last minute to cover their shift at work and we say yes because we want to be perceived as a team player. But in saying yes, we gave up a much needed and planned night relaxing with our spouse and we feel resentment. Being on time is super important to you, but your spouse continually struggles to be on time and you're usually late when you choose to go together somewhere and we feel resentment. You get up early on a Saturday morning so you can get your list of chores done and your spouse sleeps in until 10 and doesn't get around to his and you end up having to do most of it and you feel resentment. 

03:35 

So resentment is a mix of frustration, judgment, and anger. But more importantly, according to Brene Brown, it also includes a component of envy. And it is rooted in a perceived injustice, a place where we feel that something is unfair or that we have been wronged. And marriage is a hotbed of opportunities for us to feel that things are unfair and that we have been wronged because our lives are daily bumping up against each other when we're married. Our different perceptions, priorities, and preferences can sometimes seem to be screaming at us in every interaction we have with our spouse. 

04:15 

And resentment, when left to fester, has a pretty good track record of turning into contempt, one of John Gottman's four horsemen. And the four horsemen are the four things that he says will destroy any relationship. In fact, according to John Gottman's research, contempt is the greatest indicator of divorce, and contempt is a natural outcome of resentment. So resentment is something to be taken seriously. So let's look at it a bit closer today, shall we? 

04:45 

So let's start off with some basic understandings of resentment and how most of us interact with it. And then we'll dive deeper into a greater understanding of how Brene Brown defines it and explains it. So when we talk about resentment, most of us identify it as a feeling of anger towards someone who we believe has wronged us or taken advantage of us in some way. But someone doing something to us doesn't create the resentment. Generally, we develop and nurture resentment over time as we feed our story and buy into the idea that we're getting the short end of the stick, that we're being taken advantage of, that we're doing more than our fair share, or that someone else is getting something we want at our expense. 

05:30 

All the while the other person is just doing something that makes sense to them, that serves them in some way, and often without any thought to how it might be impacting us. I know in my previous marriage, my resentment and ultimately my contempt came from a place of believing that I was doing more than my fair share of the work. I believed that I was investing much more into our relationship than he was, and I often felt unseen and unheard. 

05:58 

Now, let's be clear that this was my story. It was my perception of how I saw our situation. But whether my perception is true or not, it created what I believed was the truth about my situation and it fueled my resentment. It continued to feed my belief that I was intentionally being taken advantage of and that he was getting away with things at my expense. Okay, by the way, are you hearing the victim mentality in these descriptions? I hope so. I hope you're catching on to that. 

06:31 

So I like to look at resentment as being in opposition to love. And when there is resentment in my heart, it takes the place of love. So let's say that my heart has 100 units available in it and resentment takes up 40 of those units. Then I only have space for 60 units of love. If resentment takes up 80 of those units, then I only have 20 units of love left. It's a simple analogy, but one that makes sense to my brain. When I allow resentment into my previous marriage, it absolutely pushed my love for my husband out the back door. I became less and less able to see his positive attributes and appreciate the things that he did for me and our family. 

07:16 

My resentment took away my ability to assume best intent with him, and all I was left with was assuming worst intent. Everything became something that he did on purpose to annoy or frustrate me. Everything he did was just one more way that he was verifying that I didn't matter. When we feel love toward the other person, it's easy to assume best intent. Remember when you're dating, like even when they do something frustrating, it's easy to feel, when you feel love, it's easy to assume best intent. When we feel something like resentment instead of love, it's very difficult to assume best intent. And we actually assume worst intent instead, believing them to be a horrible person who is behaving in selfish and cruel ways on purpose, just to hurt and anger and annoy me. 

08:08 

And from the worst intent story that I had created in my previous spouse, it became very hard for me to see the truth. It became almost impossible to offer him grace and feel love towards him. Though I don't feel like I ever got to a place where I hated him, I absolutely got to a place where I felt pretty indifferent. There were times I was angry and times I was frustrated, but mostly I just shut down my ability to even care. And I was always so tired because resentment is an exhausting emotion. It takes a lot of energy to continue to feed it and keep it alive. 

08:49 

And though it gives us this false sense of power, it's actually very disempowering and it puts us into victim mentality. Because resentment is a strong emotion, it can feel powerful. So when we're feeling disempowered by a situation, by how we perceive that someone else is treating us, this false feeling of power from resentment can feel really important to us. We can feel that it justifies the forthcoming bad behaviors and cruel words that we're going to engage in. But when we stand back and look at so many of the situations that we find ourselves in that cause resentment, we will also find that many of them are of our own doing by us not being clear with boundaries or by not following up with the consequences of our boundaries. 

09:39 

Or we find that in order to people please, to get people to like us and accept us, we say yes to invitations that we really want to say no to. Or we erroneously believe it is our job to make sure that everyone else is happy and accommodated and not feeling discomfort. So we start to overfunction and do things that are actually none of our business to be doing. A harsh reality about the resentment we feel is that it is often created by our neglect toward ourselves and our wants and needs, or by our desire to validate our worth through how we take care of other people, or by us acquiescing to our own insecurity by trying to get validation from other people. 

10:25 

But remember, other people don't make us feel resentment. Other people just do things. And it's our thoughts about those things that they do that creates the feeling of resentment. So when somebody asks us to do something and we say yes, and then we feel resentful about the thing we do for them, it's not on them for asking. It's on us for saying yes. And it's worth a bit of exploration. Why did we say yes? Tell you what, that is where the gold nugget of information is and where we can find out where we need to learn and grow. If I said yes because I was afraid of them being mad, that's some good data. I can explore why I'm uncomfortable with somebody being mad at me. Or maybe they turn verbally abusive when we say no. So we've learned to always say yes instead. 

11:19 

The awareness and the answers here are good data. Do we need to set better boundaries? Maybe so. Maybe we say yes because we see that what they're asking falls in line with what we may already believe is our responsibility and even our ultimate desire. But we also wanted to do something else. Let me give you an example. Maybe we wanted to take a bath and read a book tonight, but our husband asks us to help him with a project. We want to be available to do projects with him. We know that it's great time to spend together just chatting and connecting. And we had also been thinking all day about having a relaxing evening. And we want to be the type of spouse who takes advantage of opportunities to engage and connect with their spouse. 

12:10 

And we just feel like we need a break from what has been a hectic week. See, it's not always clean cut, but it's so valuable to look at why we're feeling the resentment. In the previous example, we are talking about two good things that come up, two things that we want. We want a night to chill and rejuvenate, and we want to connect with our spouse. And we just get to make a decision. I can choose to spend the evening doing a project with my spouse and managing my mind around it would be recognizing it as a choice made by me because that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to connect with my spouse. At the moment, I may value the time connecting with my spouse as more valuable than time connecting with myself. If that's the case, it's empowering to realize that it is a conscious choice made by me. 

13:09 

And that empowerment is what we feel then instead of resentment. And empowerment actually creates energy, where resentment decreases energy. Or I can choose to let my spouse know that I really need some personal decompression time and choose instead to take a bath and read a book. And I can have my own back in realizing and acknowledging that this particular want for me needs to take precedence so that then I can show up better capable to be in connection with my spouse. And you may get some pushback from your spouse. Maybe they complain that they can't do the project without you and they really wanted to get it done tonight. Maybe they point out that you always complain that y'all don't spend enough time together and now that he's suggesting it, you don't want it and that you never think his suggestions are good enough. 

14:03 

In this type of situation where you get pushback, it's your responsibility to have your own back on your decision. You allow him to feel frustrated or annoyed, and he gets to complain if he wants. You can absolutely give him a safe space to be annoyed, to complain. You can validate his frustration. You can be empathetic and even get curious. And then still let him know that you need some time alone. And maybe you even offer an alternative time and situation where the two of you can connect. 

14:35 

Your spouse gets to think what he thinks about it and then feel what he feels about it. Neither of you are right or wrong. It's just a matter of learning to touch base with yourself and to know what you want and then communicate about it in loving and kind ways. When we don't create space for the other person to have their own thoughts and feelings or when we allow their thoughts and feelings to pressure us into doing something we don't want to do, that's when we start creating our resentment. 

15:09 

Remember, this resentment is created by our thoughts about the other person and the situation. The more awareness we can create around these thoughts and the more we intentionally step into choosing what we want, the less resentment we will feel. Because relationships take effort. They require attention and care and contribution. They require that we put forth time and energy into creating connection. And if I don't want to invest time and energy into connection with my spouse, that's a whole other discussion. But consider that if you just want to do what you want to do and not be bothered by another person, you don't have any business being in relationship. 

16:20 

Alright, let's circle back around to resentment. So let's talk a little bit about what's going on inside of us that creates this resentment. I think what Brene Brown teaches about it is fascinating. So Brene has a longer definition of resentment than the one we read at the beginning. She says it's "a feeling of frustration, judgment, or anger, better than, and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It's an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they  were based on things we can't control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they're going to react." 

17:09 

So with that more expansive definition, I want to share with you some quotes from Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, that are going to help you really hone in on resentment, what it is, why we feel it, and what we may need to clean up when it shows up in our lives. So Brene tells a story of an interaction she had with a writer Mark Brackett, and she asked him if resentment was part of the anger family. And he replied, "no, resentment is part of envy." And Brene shared a beautiful expletive there. And then she shared several examples of how resentment is created by envy rather than anger. Here's the first one. She says, "I'm not mad because you're resting. I'm mad because I'm so bone tired and I want to rest. But unlike you, I'm going to pretend that I don't need to." 

18:02 

Okay, do you see the envy in there? The person is envious that the other person can be at peace with resting and they can't be at peace with it. Self-exploration here would take us into places that ask, why do I feel I can't rest? What do I make it mean if I do rest? What kind of person am I if I take a nap when there are things to be done? Why do they feel it's okay to take a rest when I feel anxiety about taking a rest? So answers to these and similar questions may help us understand that we tie our never resting to our worth, meaning the more I work, the more valuable I am. Or maybe we discover that we label ourselves as lazy or selfish if we take a nap. Or maybe we realize that we start judging them as lazy and selfish for taking a nap. Both of those options feel horrible. Judging and being judged, labeling and being labeled doesn't feel good. So all of these thoughts are incredible data to help us understand what beliefs are in our brain. 

19:06 

And now we get to decide if we really believe those beliefs. Remember, just because your brain thinks it or has believed it for a long time does not mean that it's true. And we get to decide all of it. And we get to think however we want to about anything. Nobody gets to get in our head and tell us what to think or believe. So look at your thoughts and see if you believe them. Look at the answers to the questions and be amazed at what you learn about yourself. 

19:38 

Okay, here's the second example that Brene gives: "I'm not furious that you're okay with something that's really good and imperfect. I'm furious because I want to be okay with something that's really good and imperfect." Okay, so for those of us with perfectionist tendencies, we can feel resentful when other people seem to let themselves off the hook by not doing such a great job. But what if that's backwards thinking? What if it's actually us keeping us on the hook by not allowing ourselves to not be perfect? 

20:16 

One of the powerful teachings that I received from Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School, that's where I got certified, this belief that this idea that has changed my life is the idea of what she calls B- work. Not everything in life needs to be A work. In fact, most things don't need to be A- work. Many things just need to get done, and it's okay if it's not perfect. Now, if you're a surgeon like Sione, you need to do surgery as close to A work as you can. But if I'm cleaning out the garage, I don't need A work, meaning I don't need to go through every single box and label everything and rearrange things alphabetically and remove everything from the garage so I can scrub all the corners and underneath all the shelves with water and a cleaner. It's 100% okay to just put everything back where it belongs, even though it's not alphabetized. It's perfectly okay to just throw away accumulated garbage and sweep out the garage. 

21:18 

But when we feel resentment toward a spouse who cleans the garage that way, because we would feel the self-imposed pose pressure to alphabetize and go through every box, that's our resentment caused by our envy that we can't settle into doing something that's B- work, that's really good and imperfect. 

21:40 

Okay, and here's Brene's third example: "Your lack of work is not making me resentful. It's my lack of rest that's making me resentful." So again, it can be super easy to think that we're angry that the other person is not working. When if we look at it from this envy lens, we can really see that we're envious that we're not able to rest, that we're envious that they are okay with taking a break, that we're envious that they are able to let go of other people's judgment and criticism and opinions. Because that's what perfectionism is seeking to do, to avoid the judgment and criticism of others. If I'm perfect enough, others won't be able to think bad things about me. And also, if I'm perfect enough, I won't be able to think bad things about myself. I'll be able to finally love myself when I'm perfect. When we can start to look at our resentment from this angle of envy rather than anger, it helps us to see our thoughts more clearly. And only when we finally see and acknowledge them can we start to clean them up. 

22:51 

So Brene finishes this section in her book by saying, "now when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, 'what is that person doing wrong?' Or 'what should they be doing?' I think, 'what do I need but am afraid to ask for?." Okay, I'm just going to repeat that again because I think that's a brilliant question: "'What do I need but am afraid to ask for?' While resentment is definitely an emotion, I normally recognize it by a familiar thought pattern. Here's the thought pattern: what mean and critical thing am I rehearsing saying to this person?" 

23:32 

Okay, that's the end of this quote. So I love this thought pattern that Brene identifies. When I start fantasizing about the mean and critical things I would say to another person because I'm frustrated or angry with how they're showing up, that's an indication that I'm heading into resentment. When I start daydreaming about how I will go off on them, about how they're doing it wrong and what they should be doing instead, it's time for me to slow down my brain and recognize that there is something I want that I'm not asking for. And then I get to start figuring out what I actually want and also figure out why I'm not asking for it. All of this requires that we really pay attention and seek to be aware of when and how resentment is showing up in our lives. 

24:24 

To start, I want you to look at your past to identify specific situations when you have felt resentment. Most likely you were focused at the time on what the other person was doing wrong, on what you thought they should have been doing instead. Again, notice the shoulds. They're always going to trip us up, right? Now, look at this situation from a different lens. Instead, ask what you wanted in that situation that you didn't get. What did you want that you were afraid to ask for? 

24:55 

So when we can look to our past and turn these types of situations inward and see what's going on inside of us rather than outside of us, like who can we blame outside of us? Who can we attack, accuse, or criticize? Then we know we're digging into this work. It's easy to look outside of us for the reason we struggle. It is much more difficult to look inward and address the thought errors, the envy, the perfectionism, or the emotional immaturity. 

25:27 

And yet, this is what this work requires. Until we can get to the point that we look inside for solutions to our struggles, we will never find them because that's where the answer always lies within us. 

25:44 

The answer is never outside of us with somebody else changing behaviors. That's not to say other people won't do things that are unkind or hurtful or even unacceptable. But the answer for how to move forward lies with us being clean and clear with our thoughts and our motives, and then having the courage to stay in our own lane, set appropriate boundaries, and align our behavior with our values. People are going to show up in our lives all day long with different things. And sometimes I use the analogy that, listen, people can come to my house and hand me a bag of dog poop. They can ring my doorbell. And when I answer it, they can hold out this bag and say, "here, this is for you." And guess what? I don't have to take it. I can say, "no, thank you." And maybe they put it on my porch and walk away. Okay. Then it's my responsibility to take care of it because it's been left there. But that doesn't mean I have to bring it into the house. I can just pick it up and take it right to the garbage bin. Right? 

26:55 

The answers are always inside of us, not outside of us. So this, I promise you, is going to be some of the toughest work you will ever do. And it is some of the most empowering work you will ever do. As I work one-on-one with clients, one of the most common emotions that they develop during our time together is the feeling of being empowered. Moving from the victim into the hero of your story is an incredible journey and one that is available to anyone who is willing to do the tough inner work of figuring out your responsibility and couraging up to step into that responsibility. And that also includes the courage to let go of responsibility that is not yours. This is a journey that can sometimes be just as tough, letting go of responsibility. 

27:51 

So that's what I have for you today about resentment. Some pretty great stuff, right? Okay. If you struggle with resentment, listen, I got you. This is what I do. I coach people on this. I help people clean up their thought patterns. I help them see where they have thought errors so that you can show up better, so you can feel better, so you can move into this place of overflow rather than always scraping the bottom of the barrel to have enough energy to do what you want to do. This is tough work. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that this is a walk in the park. It is tough work, but it is work worth doing. It changes everything in our lives when we figure out how to show up, taking responsibility for our lives, when we start showing up in ways that feel amazing. You've got this, my friends, and I've got you. 

28:55 

If you want to set up a one-on-one consultation with me, go to tanyahale.com, go to the button on the top that says "free consultation," get on my calendar, and let's get to work. Those are 90-minute sessions so that you and I have time to do a lot of great coaching and also talk about what coaching would look for, would look like for you in your life. Okay, that's going to do it. Have an awesome, awesome day. I will see you next time. Bye. 

29:24 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short-lived message can help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more effective weekend. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.