00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 380, "Boundary Guilt." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams..we choose to create It. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

All right. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. A couple of things before we get started. First of all, next Talk with Tanya is October 14th. Would love to have you come. This is just a free webinar where you can come, you can get coached, you can ask me questions about anything that you want. We can dig deeper into topics that might be of interest to you. You can ask me questions about my divorce, about my dating, about my current marriage. It's all pretty much fair game. Would love to have you come and join us there. We've been having some really, really great discussions. So that is going to be October 14th. You can go to my website, tanyahale.com, and you can get signed up for that under the "group coaching" tab. 

01:04 

Also, in the next couple of weeks, I will have up there on that same "group coaching" tab the class that I am doing over the holidays. I am going to be calling that "A Stress-Free Christmas." Who doesn't need that? I think Christmas tends to be a time that we get a little bit in over our heads with doing things like people-pleasing and not setting clear boundaries and not being able to say 'no' and all of those things. So that's going to be a six week class is all. They're going to be one-hour classes. It's going to be $127, which is priced way cheaper than my regular classes if you break it down per class. So just wanted to make it super accessible for you over the holidays. So they're going to start on November 10th. It's going to be Monday nights for six weeks. So it'll run November 10th through December 15th. And if we're in a good groove, we might even do a fifth class there on the 22nd, I think it is. But no guarantees. Depends on how that's working. 

02:05 

But super excited about this. Some things we're going to be talking about. We're going to be talking about people-pleasing. We're going to be talking about boundaries and psychological boundaries, like how to manage other people's opinions about us. We're going to be talking about self-care. We're going to be talking about a sense of self and how that plays out. And we're also going to be talking about learning how to stay in our own lane. Okay, so let's go ahead and get that taken care of. If you would like to, it'll probably be a week or two before those are up on the website, but keep those in mind and get those taken care of. 

02:43 

We'd love to have you join us. These classes are just gold. They're so great to be able to listen to podcasts that are that are bunched in topics and to come and talk about them and dissect them and figure out how they work in our own lives. And actually, during these classes, we get to do some individual coaching as well to help us understand how these concepts fit in. So I would love to have you join us there. 

03:10 

So that being said, let's go ahead and jump into today's topic. I love what we are discussing today. We are talking about boundary guilt, which is going to go right along with our Christmas package that we're doing. So the more that I do this work, the more I see just how interconnected so many of the concepts are and also how integral a strong sense of self is to being able to implement the tools that I teach in healthy and productive ways. 

03:41 

So two weeks ago on this podcast, I shared an article from Dr. Henry Cloud about the symptoms of not having a strong boundary. And I love this article so much because it shows just how vital good boundaries are to our own emotional health and to our ability to communicate and interact in our relationships in healthy ways. When we have strong and healthy boundaries, it protects and strengthens our relationships and it reinforces our own sense of self and our ability to stand in our own individualism, to know what is okay and not okay with us, and to create equal relationships that have the potential to develop deep emotional intimacy. 

04:22 

So we start with a strong sense of self, or at least a desire to create a better sense of self, and we courage up in order to speak up, to let our wants and our wishes be known, to let people know what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable to us. And from this place, we develop more self-respect. We develop more confidence and more self-awareness. And these then lead us to a deeper understanding of who we are, of what we want, and how we want to be in the world. So the more we know ourselves and love ourselves, the stronger we are, the more easily we can set appropriate boundaries that protect us and that protect our love, which is the purpose of boundaries. 

05:06 

And that brings me to what I want to talk about today, and that is boundary guilt. I think a lot of women, and some men, finally get the courage to set a healthy boundary, and then they turn right around and start feeling guilty for it. Guilt just seems to be our middle name so often as women. I don't think it was ever taught straight out for me, but I definitely learned growing up that it was my job to never make anyone else feel uncomfortable, that it was my responsibility to make sure that everyone else's needs were met before mine, that it was selfish if I ever put my wants out on the table, that I wasn't there to take the lead, but I was there to be a huge support for everyone around me. 

05:49 

Now, obviously, I got to have basic needs like food and shelter, but wants? Come on, that's just asking a bit much, right, to have wants. It was selfish and irresponsible to have wants as a woman. At least that's the message that I internalized from my youth. And I know from the work that I do with so many women, I am far from being alone on that. And if we want a woman to feel shame and guilt, let's start telling her that she's selfish or that her wants are selfish. Because if we want something and it bumps up against what someone else wants, then I must be selfish if I continue to pursue that want. 

06:30 

So when we want something that requires that we set a boundary, and if that boundary makes anyone else uncomfortable, it makes sense that many of us would start feeling guilt for setting the boundary. Because if what I want makes anyone else feel discomfort, then I must be selfish for setting the boundary. And being selfish is definitely something to feel guilty about. On the surface, this all seems to make sense. And yet, as I have grown up into middle age, as I have learned and grown in my emotional maturity, I have come to understand that boundaries are far from selfish. In fact, they're on the other end of selfish. 

07:12 

Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships because they set at bay the inevitable resentment that can build up in our hearts when we don't set boundaries. Remember that boundaries are all about us determining for us what we are okay with and what we are not okay with. And this can include words, behaviors, and things, or stuff. For example, we may not be okay with someone calling us names or using certain words or phrases around us. We may not be okay with behaviors such as leaving messes in our home or physically pushing us around. And we may not be okay with people borrowing items and either not returning them or returning them broken or dirty. And we get to decide all of these things. And if we're not okay with something that keeps happening, we start feeling frustrated and we start feeling annoyance. And eventually that turns into resentment. 

08:09 

So I like to look at our hearts as being a 100 unit organ. I really enjoy having my heart filled with 100 units of love because love just feels so good. I think it's the best feeling in the world. But when something happens and I get annoyed and I get frustrated, then let's say that I get 10 units of resentment and it moves into my heart and it pushes out 10 units of love from my heart. And then I only have 90 units of love in there. So that doesn't feel quite as good as 100 units, but it still feels pretty darn good. 90 units is great. So I write it off and I decide that the boundary violation that caused the resentment is not that big of a deal. And I can deal with it. I can handle it. And so I don't say anything. I don't want to rock the boat, right? I don't want to make anybody else feel uncomfortable. 

09:03 

And this happens again later on. And then again. And again, and pretty soon I have 60 units of resentment and 40 units of love in my heart. And then I have 70 resentment and 30 love. And that's starting to feel pretty crappy. And instead of my heart oozing out an abundance of love for this person, the resentment starts to build and build. And eventually we blow up in anger and frustration and we end up saying hurtful things or we end up withdrawing and giving the silent treatment. 

09:37 

Now I know that every single one of you knows exactly what I'm talking about. It is a very human thing for this to happen. But either way, whether we blow up or whether we give the silent treatment, we end up being hurtful and causing damage to the relationship. If we want to protect the relationship, we have to protect against the resentment, which is going to require setting some boundaries. But boundaries come laced with guilt for some of us. And let's talk about two reasons why. 

10:11 

First, as we talked about earlier, we may feel that asking for what we want, letting others know what is okay and what is not okay, is selfish. But here's a question for you: what if it's not selfish? What if it's actually acting in the best interest of the relationship? I like to define selfish as "acting in a way that takes advantage of another person or doing something at the expense of another person." When we set boundaries to protect the relationship, we aren't doing that. We aren't doing something at the expense of the other person. We are actually doing something that is beneficial to the other person and to us because we are protecting the relationship. We get to understand that we are setting boundaries for the relationship, not against the other person. We love that person and we want to protect the relationship from spiraling out of control resentment and we get clear on what is okay and not okay with us. When we can get really clear on why boundaries are so important, it can be easier to quiet the thoughts in our own head that make us feel guilty. 

11:27 

So some of those thoughts might sound like, "oh, I'm such a bad mom for not doing that for them. I'm making them so uncomfortable. I shouldn't do that. I should be able to do this if I was more Christlike." Alright, see how these types of thoughts frame us as being selfish, as not being good enough or Christlike enough to endure their behavior? Contrary to what many of us have been taught to believe, it is not our job to endure all sorts of bad behavior in the name of being a good mom or being Christlike. 

12:02 

So the first thing we get to manage is our own thoughts about our own behavior and attaching blame or accusation about how setting boundaries is hurting others and not being a good person. I love that Cloud and Townsend, who are the authors of the boundaries books, they talk about the difference between hurt and harm. Sometimes things will hurt in the short term, but they prevent long-term harm from occurring. 

12:29 

Let me give you a super easy example to start off with. Let's say that one of my kids breaks their arm and it's pretty severe and they're crying and they're in so much pain, but I know that if I take them to the doctor, they're going to have to set it. They might even have to do surgery. And I know that that's going to be way, way more painful. So I just hop them up on some painkillers. I wrap the arm the best that I can and I let that arm heal. Okay, so short term, maybe I avoided some hurt, but long term, what is the consequence of that? Long term is that that arm will heal incorrectly and it will, in many ways, if not entirely, be unusable long term. So by trying to avoid short-term hurt, I am actually increasing the long-term harm. 

13:28 

Okay, let me give you a more challenging example. We may be tempted to keep paying the rent for our 30-year-old working class child because we know that it will be difficult for them to start paying it. So we avoid the short-term hurt that it will cause them and maybe even cause us some short-term hurt if they give us some pushback. So we keep paying it. However, being willing to work through our own discomfort and their discomfort now, the hurt now of turning that bill over to them allows them to fully step into adulthood and adulthood and caring for themselves and actually sets them up for more success in the future. It avoids the long-term harm. And we're doing that because we're no longer enabling an adult who is capable of growing into adulthood and developing. Now they start developing the self-respect necessary to move into other adult behaviors. 

14:31 

So according to Cloud and Townsend, we are experiencing short-term hurt, maybe our own feelings of discomfort with stopping paying for their rent, and maybe them telling us that we're being a bad mom in order to avoid the long-term harm of keeping them from moving into adulthood. And so much of the drama that we experience around this is all in our own heads about what we make it mean that we're stepping back from taking care of them when our thinking is faulty. 

15:05 

So the second way that we feel guilt around setting boundaries is when we receive pushback from the person we are setting boundaries with. So to use the above example, maybe our 30-year-old child gets upset when we tell them we will no longer be paying their rent. And they might lay it on really thick. They may tell us that we're the worst parent ever, that if we really love them, we would continue to support them by paying it, that they're going to end up living on the street and it will be our fault, that we're just being selfish since we can afford it and things are just too expensive for them to afford it right now. Now here's the thing: our children are amazing and they're incredibly smart from a very early age. And they learn these types of manipulative phrases and behaviors really early on, like two and three years old early on, if not earlier. They learn that if they say something that makes mom or dad feel guilt, that we will cave and they will get what they want. 

16:09 

So here's the thing about our human brains. Our brains are always figuring out how to get what they want. If our 30-year-old child wants us to continue paying their rent so that they can afford to eat out and go to shows and travel, their brain will unconsciously pull out all the stops to try and get what they want. And it's not that most of our kiddos would try to be manipulative on purpose. It's just that this type of speaking and arguing their point has always worked in the past. And so their primitive brain will go to it in the present to try and get their way. They're not bad or horrible. They're just human. And their human brain is trying to figure out how to get what they want without pain, without hurt, and without expending energy. Of course that's what their brain is trying to do. 

17:08 

But us continuing to pay the rent of a 30-year-old child who in reality is capable of paying it, even if it stretches them a bit and is a little bit hurtful, it is getting into their lane and doing things for them that they need to be doing for themselves. Guess what? It is okay for our kids to feel discomfort. In fact, it's the path of growing up and figuring out life. And if we continue to pay the rent for them, we inadvertently also send the message that they're not capable and that we don't believe that they can figure it out. And we rob them of the opportunity to use their brains to figure out for themselves how to solve their own problems and how to get what they want of their own ingenuity and drive. So even if they throw a tantrum, even if they tell us that we don't love them and that we're the worst mom ever, we get to be clear on our boundaries. We get to have our own back and know that we are figuring out how to stay in our own lane and make the best decision for the relationship and for us and for them. 

18:19 

So let's take a step back 27 years and look at this same parenting, setting appropriate boundaries. We would never watch a mom of a three-year-old pull her child out of the path of an uncommon car and think that she was being selfish, even if the child was throwing a massive on-the-ground, fist-pounding, screaming at the top of their lungs fit. We would completely understand that she was acting in the best interest of the child and of herself, even if the child doesn't get it. She wouldn't feel guilty for doing something the child didn't like because she would know that the decision to protect the child from the oncoming car was the best decision. All of the screaming and the "I hate you" and the throwing themselves on the ground won't make this mother feel guilty because she knows she made the best decision for the child and she has her own back on that decision. 

19:18 

And here's a very important thing to remember about boundaries. The people who push back the hardest when we set clear boundaries are the ones who have been benefiting the most by us not having boundaries. So the 30-year-old child, of course they will push back because they have been able to live a lifestyle beyond their income because we have been funding it. And scaling back that lifestyle will be difficult and painful and so uncomfortable for them. They have benefited a lot by us not having a boundary around that. And it just makes sense that they will resist the change that a clear boundary will bring. Of course it makes sense. They're human. They've got a human brain, right? And their brain is trying to figure out how do I get what I want, which is to have my parents pay my rent. And yet, when we can understand that our setting a more clear boundary is in the best interest of the child, that it will help them to grow into their adult responsibilities, then we can have our own backs and not feel guilty about setting the boundary. 

20:35 

And this doesn't apply just to adult children. That was just one example that I gave. It applies to spouses. It applies to people we work with. It applies to neighbors and church acquaintances and friends. So boundaries are important to apply in three different ways. Let me tell you how this works. 

20:55 

So one: we have to keep out of other people's lanes. This is one way of setting boundaries. We don't do things for them that they are capable of doing for themselves. We keep our opinions to ourselves. We don't give unsolicited advice. We stay in our own lane. We have clear boundaries on what is our responsibility and what is their responsibility. Second way, we don't let other people get into our lane. Again, boundaries keep people out. We don't allow people to do hurtful or unkind things without consequence. We are clear on when someone is encroaching into our lane and we lovingly and clearly ask them to stop. We don't let people come into our lane. And the third one, this is the one that we're talking about today that can be so tricky. Even when we are asked to, we don't do things for others that it is their responsibility to do. It sometimes feels like we are being pulled by the arm into the other person's lane. They're saying, come over here and take care of this for me. In the example that we use today, come over here and pay my rent, do something that I should be doing for myself, but you do this. And we get to resist by saying no and not going over into their lane. 

22:17 

When an adult child is asking us to do something that they are fully capable of doing themselves, clear boundaries will say no. So a lot of people find that, like, let's go back to the adult child. It's easy for a child to say, "whoa, get out of my lane. I get to make whatever decision I want. I get to go on whatever trip. I get to spend my money however I want," right? And yes, they do. They're an adult. But sometimes adult kids will also play the, "I'm still a child, will you pay my rent" card. Right? Like they want to be an adult when it's convenient and in their best benefit, and they want to still be a child when it's beneficial. And we get to start recognizing, okay, they are an adult. They get to take care of adult things. 

23:08 

And this can be tough sometimes because as we've talked about, we can get all in our head about what it means to be a good mom or to be Christlike, not remembering that doing something we don't want to do, doing something that is not our responsibility, or doing something that might make others uncomfortable or angry doesn't mean we aren't being a good mom or being Chris-like. Sometimes we are actually being the best mom and being very Christlike when we set a clear boundary, when we say 'no,' when we do what feels right to us, even when we get pushback from them. 

23:49 

Here's the deal: everyone does not need to agree with your choices. That is not how we determine whether we are a good person or not. That is not how we decide whether we are Christlike or not. We get to learn to listen to our own eternal voice, our own spirit. We get to be clear on our values and we get to learn to live in alignment with them. And not everyone will agree with the choices we make or be happy with them. And guess what? That's okay. Ultimately, we get to learn to live in a way that we maintain our own self-respect, that we are happy with our choices. People all see the world differently, even in the same family. And not everyone is going to understand why you make the choices you make. 

24:42 

And our goal, actually, isn't to have everyone understand and agree with our choices. Our goal is to make choices that feel in alignment with us and then have our own back in supporting our decision. We get to reframe the thoughts that create guilt into thoughts that create self-respect and compassion. Here's an example of what some of those thoughts can be like: "it's okay that they don't understand my decision. This was a tough decision for me, and I still feel like it was the right one. It's okay that they're uncomfortable with my decision because I'm comfortable with it. And it's hard to watch them struggle. And I still feel good about my choice." 

25:31 

Our job as humans is not to alleviate all the suffering of all the people, even our family members. These types of thoughts allow us to stand strong in our decision, in our boundaries, and also be compassionate for the discomfort and the struggle as our people are figuring it out, sometimes for the first time, how to navigate situations that we may have always taken care of. Of course, there will be a learning curve. Of course, it will be uncomfortable. Of course, they won't always be happy. And that's okay. It's part of both us and them growing into adulthood. Them learning to take responsibility for their own lives and us learning to stop taking responsibility for things that are not ours. This is all part of God's plan for us here on earth, to feel discomfort and to figure out and grow into stronger versions of ourselves, to learn how to stay in our own lane, to take responsibility for our agency and honor others people's agency to live the life of their choosing. And setting boundaries requires both sides to grow through this discomfort. 

26:56 

You've got this, my friend. I know that this can be hard, especially if you're not practiced at it yet. And I'll be honest, I'm pretty well practiced at it, and it is still hard sometimes. But it's totally possible. And our own self-respect and sense of self is  hanging in the balance of us being able to set clear boundaries. So if you want to dig deeper into boundary work, check out the show notes on your podcast app and you can find several more podcasts about boundaries that will help you understand more clearly the concepts that we talked about today. And we're also going to be doing a couple of classes in the holiday class that I'm doing about boundaries. Would love to have you join us there. 

27:43 

Let's get clear on this. Let's start showing up empowered in what feels amazing to us in our own sense of self. Okay, that's going to do it for me. If you feel like you just need some serious one-on-one help here, let's get to work. You can go to tanyahale.com. You can go to the "free consultation" tab. You can get on my calendar and let's sit down and talk. I have 90 minute consults, okay, because I not only want to talk to you about coaching and what it entails and how it works, but I really love the opportunity to help coach you, to give you an experience of what coaching can be and how it can help you develop more clarity around your situations and how to move forward. It is a powerful, powerful experience. And I always really enjoy doing those. 

28:41 

And I know a lot of people are like, "well, I don't know about it. And I don't want to waste your time." And I promise you, it is never a waste of my time. If there is one of the top things I love to do in this world is to coach people, to help people see what's going on in their brain, to help give them tools to help you have better self-respect and healthier relationships. And these 90-minute coaching sessions give me the opportunity to do that. So I love these. So go ahead and just get signed up. Even if you've been on, you know, a little bit nervous about it. 

29:18 

Remember if you listened to last week's podcast with Lisa, she talked about how she was super nervous to do it and yet she just couraged up and she did it. And she has worked her butt off and she has just experienced such amazing growth. And she is not my only client who has done that. It's a great, great opportunity. So go get on my calendar. If you've been thinking about it, just take care of it and let's just do it and give you an idea of what it's about, especially as we start getting ready to go into the holidays when things can get a little bit muddy sometimes. 

29:53 

Okay, that is it, my friend. If you have not left me a review yet and you listen on Apple or Spotify, will you please go just right now? You can even just scroll down on your podcast app under mine and you can leave me a review. I would love that. It helps with the algorithm so that more people find this. I love the content that I share and I know that it has made a huge difference in my own life to the point that I just don't even recognize my life from what it was 10 years ago when I got divorced. This is great, great content and it changes lives for the better. Okay, I wish you all the best, my friends. Have an amazing week. Check out those show notes if you want to dig a little bit deeper into boundaries and I will see you next time. Bye. 

30:45 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.