00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 378, "What Can Happen When We Don't Set Boundaries." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Super glad to have you with me, as always, and super glad to be here to share with you some things that have been on my mind and that I've been thinking about. Just a quick reminder that if you are interested in my next talk with Tanya, it is October 14th at 2 Eastern, 12 Mountain. Just a free webinar. And we just show up and talk about whatever you want to bring to the table. We've done coaching before. We've talked about different concepts. You can ask me all kinds of questions about anything, really. I'm pretty open book about my divorce, about my single years, about my dating, about my remarriage. Like it's all fair game. So would love to invite you to that if that works for you. 

01:06 

Alright, let's jump in today. We are talking about what can happen when we don't set boundaries. So this week I was reading an article adaptation from the book "Becoming an Adult, Advice on Taking Control and Living a Happy, Meaningful Life," written by Dr. Henry Cloud. If you are not familiar with him, he is one of the co-authors of the boundary books, which he and Dr. Townsend are just well known for being the boundary gurus. And they have written a series of really great boundary books that I refer to a lot. And so for me, it's a place for main staple boundary information. 

01:42 

And in this article, he shared 22 symptoms that we can experience when we don't set appropriate boundaries. Isn't that an interesting phrase? There are symptoms, things that happen to us as a result of not having boundaries. So many of these might surprise you. And I just thought this was such a fascinating look at how things play out when emotionally we aren't in a healthy place enough to set boundaries, when we don't have the tools, and how these play out in our lives and in our mental and emotional health. And so I just thought it was so amazing that in the scope of personal struggles and consequences that we can encounter these types of things when we don't set appropriate boundaries. So I want to share with you his list, basically the article. And so I'm going to share not only the list, but also his thoughts on them. So I'm going to be doing a bit of reading today, but I will try to make it easy to listen to. I'm not just going to try and be a boring reading. I used to be a reading teacher, so hopefully I'll be okay with this. 

02:44 

But before I jump in to what he shares, I want to just review boundaries with you really quick. Boundaries have gotten a lot of airtime in the last 10 years or so. And growing up, I never heard the term boundaries in terms of relationships. And maybe that's just because my family wasn't particularly emotionally mature. But I also don't really feel that boundaries were a topic in society before that, especially when I was a child. And I don't feel that they were crossed much in my family of origin. So it was never really something that I feel like I had to have my finger on the pulse of that. 

03:22 

I didn't hear about boundaries in the context of relationships until after my divorce 10 years ago. And I remember being amazed at what I was learning. I was listening to some work by Brene Brown, and I could identify, listening to her, many boundary violations in my previous marriage, both on both sides, his and mine. And understanding boundaries helped me to start to see where so many of our relational breakdowns occurred. 

03:51 

So as a quick review, boundaries are the place where we identify what behavior is okay or not okay with us. When behavior is not okay, an appropriate boundary would not be trying to control the other person or tell them how to behave. Rather, a boundary identifies what's okay and not okay and how we will behave. So for example, a boundary is not saying, "you can't call me stupid." Okay, that is based on the idea that we don't believe being called stupid is okay, but we don't have control  over whether the other person calls us stupid or not, and we can't tell them what to do. We can't tell someone that they can't do something because they absolutely can and they will if they want to. So we aren't trying to tell other people what to do and we're not trying to control their behavior. 

04:43 

Setting boundaries is about letting the other person know how we feel about their behavior, that it's not okay, and how we will respond to that behavior if they continue to engage in that behavior. So for example, we might say instead, "I am not okay with you calling me stupid. The next time you call me stupid, I will discontinue the conversation and leave the room." Notice we are clearly stating what is not okay with us: calling us stupid, and then we tell them how we will respond if they do call us a name: we will stop the conversation and leave. And yes, it puts all of the responsibility on us. That's the thing about boundaries. They are our responsibility to know what they are, to know how they're going to respond, to communicate them well, and then respond in a way we told them we would, to follow up with the consequences. 

05:36 

Now, many of these symptoms are not within my symptoms that Dr. Cloud is going to talk about. They're not necessarily in my expert wheelhouse, but I have a pretty deep foundation in setting boundaries and the whys and the hows and the whens. So with that quick review, let me share with you this article from Dr. Cloud about symptoms of not setting boundaries. So I'm just going to start reading here. 

06:07 

So he says, "numerous problems arise when we fail to set good boundaries and maintain them. If we do not realize what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for, we can suffer from the following symptoms. Symptoms, as you recall, point to the existence of an underlying problem. Few people have ever come into my office and said, 'Dr. Cloud, I have trouble setting boundaries and I need your help in learning how to set good boundaries.' But people do seek help for the following symptoms when their real problem is often confusion about where and how to set boundaries." 

06:43 

Alright, number one on Dr. Cloud's list is depression. And this is what he says: "Many people experience depression because they do not set good boundaries. The lack of boundary setting sets them up for being mistreated and much pain follows. Others are depressed because they turn their anger inward at people who are controlling them. If they aren't in touch with their choices, they think they have no better choices, that other people have control over their choices. They become resentful, perhaps even bitter." Okay, fascinating, right? Depression. Interesting how a lack of proper tools shows up in our mental health. 

07:24 

Okay, number two that he gives is panic. "Panic disorders, attacks of sudden overpowering fright, most often fall in this category. Many people panic because they think they have no control over what happens to them. They think they must do whatever anyone wants them to do and they feel out of control. Having others in control of one's life and choices can be scary. It's a prescription for panic disorder." 

07:50 

Okay, interesting. Number three, he says, resentment. "Many people resent certain things because they are doing them reluctantly or under compulsion. To comply with others' wishes, they do what they really don't want to do, then resent it later. Martyrs, people who assume an attitude of self-sacrifice or suffering in order to arouse feelings of pity or guilt in others, often display this symptom. Their giving is not really giving because it has strings attached." Okay, I think resentment is one of those things. I like to think of my heart having 100 units. And for every unit, 100 units that I can fill it with love. But if I move in 20 units of resentment, then I only have 80 units of love. And I like to think of it in that way just because it helps me to visualize how resentment makes it more and more difficult for me to really love the other person. And when our boundaries are being crossed, we absolutely move into resentment. 

08:57 

Okay, the fourth thing that Dr. Cloud talks about is passive aggressive behavior. "Passive aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to demands for adequate performance in social or work settings. For example, if a woman is pressured to serve on the school's cultural arts committee, she may say 'yes' and then resist passively by forgetting appointments, procrastinating on projects, or misplacing important materials. She did not have the courage to set proper boundaries and just say 'no' to the request to be on the committee. When we do not set limits and let our yes be yes  and our no be no, we may set those limits passively. Many who struggle with uncompleted promises to others are really being passive aggressive. They express the aggression of saying 'no' in a passive way." Alright, so the overall message that I get from that is when we don't set clear boundaries, but we're angsty about it, we're going to find a way to set those boundaries one way or the other. And that comes in passive-aggressive ways. 

09:59 

The fifth thing that Dr. Cloud talks about is codependency. "Codependency is a learned pattern of attitudes, feelings, and behaviors in which people seriously neglect their own health and well-being for the wishes of others. Codependent people will always put the other person first, often to their own detriment. They do not see who is responsible for what and often enable evil. These people are always confused about boundaries. In taking responsibility for others, they fail to act responsibly to them." Okay, so this codependency, as he talks about it, is highly integrated with a misunderstanding of who's responsible for what, for getting in other people's lanes, as I would say, right? Taking responsibility for what other people are responsible for. 

10:48 

Number six, identity confusion. He says, "identity comes from owning who we are and realizing all of our attributes. People who are not taking responsibility for what falls within their boundaries and not being separate from others are unable to tell what is them and what is someone else. We need to know who we are apart from others." Okay. I saw this a lot with teenagers when I used to teach eighth grade. Teenagers are striving to move into finding their own identity and parents would just not let them. Parents were afraid to have that child grow up and become someone separate from the family. Very fascinating. 

11:33 

Okay, number seven, he says, difficulties with being alone. "Some people have not established good enough boundaries so that they are able to have a self apart from others. They fear being alone, for they will not be with anyone. There is no one inside. They do not have the internal structure to contain the love they have for and from others. They always have to be with someone to survive. These people have not failed to bond, but they have failed to develop an internal structure to hold the bonding inside. It is like pouring water into a cup with no bottom. The more love they get, the more they need. They have no ability to hold onto it. They need limits, boundaries to help them form some internal structure." Okay, I think that one's fascinating. 

12:25 

Number eight, masochism. "Masochists are people who get pleasure suffering physical and psychological pain afflicted by others or by themselves. Masochists are unable to set limits on others' abusive behavior. They get a perverse pleasure out of being subjected to pain or humiliation. The pain causes more and more need, which makes it harder to set limits on the other person. They need someone so much they can't limit them. Masochists need to establish a support network to learn to set limits on abuse." 

12:59 

Okay, number nine, victim mentality. "People who suffer from a victim mentality see themselves as victims of circumstances and other people. They never take responsibility for themselves. They use words like, 'I had to,' and 'I had no choice.' Everything happens to them. They deny any sort of responsibility, especially in the areas of choices. They think they have no choices. Victim mentality is something that shows up a ton for me with the people that I work with who are in difficult marriage situations. And it's really hard to let go of that victim mentality, but it's vital. Interesting, though, that he connects it with a lack of boundaries, that when we don't set good boundaries, that that's where we move into. 

13:47 

Number 10, blaming. "Blaming is similar to victim thinking. Blamers always direct responsibility for pain and change towards someone else. No doubt, others cause us pain, but when we get into the blame game, we make others responsible for dealing with our pain, and that keeps us stuck. People who stay in the blame stage never change, for they take no responsibility for making changes in their own attitudes, feelings, or behaviors, when such changes would ultimately help them. Taking responsibility rather than blaming others is a vital part of setting boundaries." 

14:25 

Number 11, though, he talks about over-responsibility and guilt. "People who do not have clear boundaries feel responsibility for things that they should not feel responsible for, like others' feelings, disappointments, and actions. They feel guilty for  not being what others want them to be and for not doing what others want them to do. They feel like they are bad for not carrying through on their responsibility to make others happy." Fascinating. 

14:54 

And number 12 is under-responsibility. If you remember, I had a podcast, I don't know, like probably two months ago about over- and under-responsibility. So here we go. This is what he says about under responsibility. "People who feel over responsible for others often neglect their own backyard. They do not carry their own load, for they are too busy carrying the load of others. In this typical codependent behavior, people feel so responsible for others that they do not deal with their own pain and life." I love the piece there where he says that when we move into over-responsibility for other people's lives, we step into under-responsibility for our own lives and for taking care of the things that we actually are responsible for. 

15:42 

Okay, number 13, feelings of obligation. He says, "Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 9:7 that people have these feelings when they are not choosing what they will give and what they will not give. They feel compelled to give to others. They are not free and in control of themselves." Obligation is always a dangerous thing, I believe. Make sure you look down in the notes afterwards because I'm going to have podcasts on so many of these that I've done. 

16:11 

Number 14, feelings of being let down. "Since many are so good at taking care of others, they feel that others are obligated to take care of them. They feel let down when this doesn't happen. They perceive others to be unloving and uncaring if they aren't taking responsibility for them. They feel like they are the givers and others are takers." I think this is fascinating that he pulls this back to boundaries and I see it so clearly. And I've known many people who are so loving and kind and they expect everybody else to behave the same way. And when others don't, they just don't get it. They're like, "how could they be this way? Why would they treat me this way?" Because everybody doesn't see the world the same way. So anyway, setting clear boundaries on all of that, I think, is so great. 

16:57 

Alright, number 15, isolation. "People who experience boundary confusion, distorted thinking, and a lack of freedom often avoid relationship in order to feel a sense of boundaries. For them, getting close means losing their boundaries and ownership of themselves. It is so frightening and potentially conflictual that they eliminate relationship as an option and choose a world of isolation. Being alone means they won't be invaded or controlled." And that makes perfect sense, right? If I can't set appropriate boundaries and so I'm always being walked all over or taken advantage of, a lot of people will say, "listen, I'd rather just be by myself." I hear this all the, from lots of people in my life who say, "I just hate people. People are horrible." And they'd rather be by themselves. And it's not that people are horrible. It's that we oftentimes don't set appropriate boundaries or have the capacity to respond in a way that's appropriate with other people's difficult behavior. 

18:01 

Alright, number 16, extreme dependency. "People who have never gotten a feeling of owning their own lives" by setting boundaries, right, "believe they can't function responsibly on their own. They will often depend on someone else to negotiate the world for them, and they tend to fuse their identity with this negotiator. They are very fearful of separateness." I think I see this sometimes in clients who come who have extreme dependency on their spouse. Their spouse has done everything. And then when the spouse leaves and they get divorced, this spouse is left like just not having any clue how to manage life and what to do. 

18:42 

Alright. That is, again, I think it's amazing that he connects this to lack of boundaries. Number 17, a disorganization and lack of direction. "People who do not have a clear definition of themselves often lack direction and purpose. They cannot choose their own goals, likes, and dislikes. They get easily sidetracked by whatever anyone says to them, so they are scattered." Again, they don't have a clear sense of self, right? And because of that, they're always looking to other people to guide and direct their lives. Again, lack of boundaries is the problem here. 

19:19 

Number 18, substance abuse and eating disorders. "Many people who feel out of control of their lives turn to food, drugs, or alcohol to either dull their pain or to be able to take some control over something. This is especially true with people suffering from anorexia or bulimia. Boundaries are almost always an important issue in these disorders. More often than not, boundaries are a strong issue in the resolution of addictions. Usually, when boundary conflicts are cleared up, when people  with food or substance addictions begin to have a clearer sense of their own person, they begin to exercise self-control. Bulimics especially need to resolve issues of separateness. The ambivalence expressed in food is often resolved as the ambivalence of relationship is cleared up through boundary definition. They no longer express the 'I want it, I don't want it' feeling by binging and purging." 

20:17 

Okay, again, I know I keep using the word fascinating, but it is to me that so many of these are pulled back to a lack of feeling of control in our own lives. Somehow that has been passed out, given to other people. And because we don't feel in control, well, the reason we don't feel in control is because we don't have this strong sense of self and the ability to set appropriate boundaries. 

20:43 

Alright, number 19, procrastination. "Procrastination or putting off unpleasant tasks until some future time often results from a lack of clear boundaries. Procrastinators do not feel like they are really choosing. Their 'no' is not a real no. They say 'yes' when they mean 'no.' Then they express their no through not following through. It's a distorted sense of control." So when they don't follow, when they say 'yes,' but then don't follow through, that goes back to the passive aggressive, right? Continuing on with him, he says, "this is the dynamic that was operating in the parable of the two sons in Matthew 21: 28-31. The procrastinating son was not honest about his no. Recall that he said yes to working in his father's vineyard, and then he never went. The other son first said no to his father, then changed his mind and went to work. This son could be honest about his no, so he could be honest about his yes also." 

21:40 

Okay, and number 20, impulsivity. "Impulsive people invariably have a boundary problem. They lack internal structure. So the internal boundaries that we need. Whatever they think, they do. They have a limited ability to say 'no' to themselves. As they clear up their boundaries and learn enough self-control to say no, they begin to gain control of their impulses." And this is something that I haven't really talked a lot about, but I love this concept about boundaries with ourselves. Do I make and keep boundaries with myself? Because that's important too. 

22:20 

Alright, number 21, generalized anxiety. "Some people struggle with a vague tension and anxiety that is sometimes related to lack of boundaries. Their internal lack of structure makes them unable to process and contain all the feelings they have, as well as to handle all the external demands. While these people often can't point toward one particular conflict or problem, they still feel anxious. Instead of working on a particular issue, these people sometimes need to firm up their sense of who they are by creating stronger boundaries. This gives them a greater sense of self-control, a greater ability to process feelings, and as a result, less anxiety." 

23:05 

And number 22, obsessive-compulsive behavior. "Obsessive people are preoccupied with often unreasonable ideas or feelings. Compulsive people have irresistible impulses to perform irrational acts. Obsessive compulsive people struggle with both persistent preoccupations and irresistible impulses. For example, a man who feels compelled to wash his hands every hour would be displaying obsessive-compulsive behaviors. This man is obsessed with the idea of catching a cold and feels compelled to wash his hands to prevent it. Boundary setting is aggressive or bold behavior. People who can't set clear boundaries can turn this aggression against themselves in the form of painful obsessions or compulsions they must perform to be safe. People can often resolve these painful realities by strengthening their ability to set and keep boundaries. Setting boundaries helps provide the internal structure that can say no to both attacking thoughts and compulsions. They give them back the self-control that the compulsions were trying to provide. By their very nature, compulsions indicate a lack of freedom. Developing boundaries and the ability to say no to others creates the freedom needed to work through compulsive problems." 

24:29 

Okay, and that's the end of the article that I read. But fascinating stuff, right? Boundaries are just so vital. And like I said, that was one of my first big ahas into cleaning up my dysfunctional and destructive behaviors. In understanding what was going on was starting to understand how I had a lack of boundaries in being able to say 'no' and in being able to stand in my ground. And I also was constantly trying to get in other people's lanes. My ex-husband, you know, as I look at that situation, constantly trying to get in his lane and be in control of what he thought and how he behaved and what he did. And none of that is okay. 

25:15 

And so as I started cleaning up boundaries, I found so much of this other content that I talk about on the podcast supported by boundaries. The stronger my sense of self, the better my boundaries can be, the more capacity I will have to set clear boundaries because I will know myself better. I will know what is okay and what is not okay. And I am okay with other people not liking me. So as we continue to do this work, if this intrigues you a little bit, I have a lot of podcasts on a lot of these topics. I'm going to put them down in the show notes. Go check them out, listen to them. And though I may not talk specifically about boundaries in a lot of these, I would love for you to be thinking the whole time, "how would strong boundaries keep this problem from occurring in my life?" Just fascinating stuff. 

26:09 

I think when we start seeing how deeply interconnected so much of our emotional and mental health struggles are created to tools like boundaries and a strong sense of self. Okay, that's going to do it for me, my friends. Have an awesome, awesome week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

26:32 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.