00:00 

Well, hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 377. What is your intention? Well, hey, hey, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. So as always, just so glad to have you here. And I'm so glad to be here and to be sharing some content with you. Before we jump in, next Talk with Tanya is October 14th. Can you believe that? October already. We're talking about that. So crazy, but there you have it. We've been having some great discussions there. Would love to have you join us for this free webinar where you just get to come on. And it is just a free for all. Whoever wants coaching, if you want to talk about concepts. Today, we just did talk with Tanya today for September and we had a great discussion with someone new who came who is working through some divorce stuff and has figured out some good stuff. And I love that we get to do that. So join us there. 

01:10 

And also just wanted to remind you that if what you're hearing on the podcast intrigues you and you're like, "oh, I think I want to learn more about that," go down to the show notes wherever you're listening to your podcast, and I will have several other podcasts, sometimes probably too many, but sometimes I can't help myself. I put several podcasts there that have, that will build on the concept that we've been talking about in the podcast. And that's just something I've been doing for the last three or four months. So older podcasts don't have that, but the newer ones starting last spring sometime do. 

01:43 

So let's jump in today. We are talking about what is your intention. So six and a half years ago when I started this podcast, I just landed somewhere along the line. I heard the idea of intentional living and it just stuck with me and I felt drawn to it. And I can't really say where it came from. It was just a concept that really resonated with me as I had been doing the work after my divorce to clean things up and to live a more purposeful life. And though I'm sure I could have a podcast name that was more focused on divorce and on difficult relationships, which is really a lot of what I talk about, I still just really love the concept of intentional living, even in the content of divorce and difficult relationships. 

02:34 

And in all these years, I've realized that I have never done a podcast talking about what it means to live intentionally. And actually, I'm thinking I'm probably better qualified to talk about it now than I was at the beginning. Although, okay, but now that I put that out there, I probably was just as qualified. It's just that now I have different experiences that give me a different understanding of what it means to be living intentionally. So I was just as qualified then, but my understanding and my explanation of it now is going to be different than it would have been six and a half years ago. 

03:11 

So let's start off with definition of intention. Looking that up, it says it's an idea that you plan to carry out. It's a goal, a purpose, or an aim. And I love the idea of purpose, right? Like this, my intention is my purpose. What do I ultimately want to gain? I think one reason the idea of intentional living resonated so strongly with me back in the day is because I realized how many years of my life that I had not been living intentionally. I was always a growth-oriented person and even back in high school I remember that kind of stuff and I've spent many years of my life being self-reflective but the interesting thing is is that I can't say that I really knew what to be reflective about. I tried and I succeeded at the level that I could where I was in life, but it wasn't until after my divorce 10 years ago that I really started to put together the pieces of how to get the life that I really wanted. And without some basic information that I was missing, it seems that I couldn't really live with the same type of intention then that I feel that I can now. 

04:25 

So in my difficult marriage years, my intention regarding my marriage was to be married. Happily married, but I didn't understand how vulnerability fit into that concept of a happy marriage relationship. I didn't really understand the concepts of emotional intimacy and maturity. Although looking back, I can definitely see that that's what I was craving so desperately, but I didn't even have the vocabulary for it, let alone a real grasp of the concepts. But though it was what I wanted, I didn't  know how to achieve it. I didn't understand what I was missing. So though I was trying hard, I wasn't really making any headway. And I couldn't be intentional about emotional intimacy because I didn't even know what it was or how to get it. 

05:15 

So instead, I was intentional about what I did know about being a wife. I made great meals. I'm a good cook. I keeping my home in order, taking care of my kids the best I knew how, making sure that everybody was where they needed to be, keeping things organized, doing the laundry, making sure everybody always had clean clothes, trying to take as much off of my spouse's responsibility plate as I possibly could, things like that. And all good things, but not things that would get me what I so desperately wanted, which was a deep, intimate, emotionally connected relationship. I was doing all of these checklisty things and still could not get that emotional relationship that I wanted. Well, no wonder, because those aren't the things that create that connection. 

06:05 

Now, I don't begrudge Past Tanya for doing all those things, because they were what she knew how to do. And they were really done with goodness and kindness and love in her heart. But this is the importance of exposing ourselves to this work. If we really choose to step into it, over time we start to understand the pieces to the puzzle that we're missing. We begin to see what we didn't see before. And then we can start to figure out how to do something different, how to be more intentional to get the result that we really want in our lives. 

06:39 

A huge piece for me that I came to understand was that the relationship I wanted would not be achieved by following a checklist and by physical organization and preparation and a great menu plan. The relationship that I came to know that I wanted and that I craved could only be obtained through emotional engagement, through self-confrontation, and through the vulnerability necessary to engage with my weaknesses and failings and my willingness to expose them to my spouse. And I feel so blessed to have been able to find a good man who desires the same type of connected relationship as me and that we are able to intentionally engage in this process together. 

07:29 

So for me and for many of us, the first step to being more intentional is figuring out what we want to be more intentional about. And that starts with asking ourselves, "what do I want?" Many of us are not in the habit of asking what we really want. We make decisions in our lives based on the opinions and the judgments of others very often. So for example, I think especially when we were younger, because the example that I have is that when I got married at 23, I was not very intentional about it. When we look at even just the basics of getting married, I did what everybody else did. I got a ring with a diamond. We got announcements made. We chose our colors. We got married in the temple. And later that night, we had a reception with a receiving line and light refreshments with a backdrop. And a week later, we had a second reception in my hometown. There was a bridesmaid and there was a best man. I don't recall thinking through what I really wanted. I just knew that was what was usually done. And so that's what we did. We didn't question it. We didn't ask ourselves what we really wanted. We just got in line and did what we thought was expected. 

08:50 

So 30 years later though, when Sione and I got married, we were very intentional about what we wanted. I didn't want a ring with a diamond or any other stone. I wanted something really simple and basic. Even though some people were saying, yeah, second marriage rings have got to be huge. I just didn't want that. He and I didn't want a large wedding or reception with tons of people and a lot of fanfare. We wanted something very small and very intimate. And we ended up doing something so small that even our children weren't invited and neither were our siblings. And that was really hard for a lot of people. We got married in my small living room in Utah. And then we took that small group out for a great lunch. And that was it. That was our wedding day. And it was perfect for us. 

09:45 

And then a few months later, we had a taco truck come to the same house. We hired a DJ and we invited people who wanted to come to bring their own chairs and just chill on the lawn and have some tacos on us. And it was perfect. And I'll tell you what, there were a lot of opinions about how we should have done things different. Starting from the time we got engaged, there were opinions about the timing of our dating and marriage, opinions about the kind of ring I should have had, where we were doing the wedding, who was invited. But we knew what we wanted. We knew why we wanted it. And we chose to be intentional about doing what was best for us. And it was. It was exactly what felt right to both of us, even if other people didn't understand it. 

10:38 

And often when we are intentionally doing what is best for us, there will be a lot of opposing opinions. Now, of course, there will be opposing opinions because everybody sees the world so different. And it's okay that there are different ideas on how things should be done. It is just our own responsibility to know ourselves well enough to know what is most important to us, to figure out what we need to do to get it, and to be intentional about walking that path. 

11:09 

Intentionality can be tough because it requires that we think and process a lot and don't just shoot from the hip. And most of us only learned how to shoot from the hip growing up. Come on, it was the 70s and 80s, right? And thinking and processing a lot requires quite a bit of energy, something that our primitive brain really pushes back against. And I've noticed from me, and many of my clients agree, that doing this work at the deep level that we do it creates a greater awareness and actually it's this weird thing, but it actually seems to slow down time so that we can respond more intentionally when things come up for us. 

11:50 

So recently, one of my daughters brought up a tough topic with me. And in the past, I would have just brushed her off, which actually now that I say that is kind of funny because what she brought up with me was me brushing off some concerns about something. But in the context of her reaching out in this particular situation, I was able, so obviously I don't do it all the time, right? But this second time then, I was able to slow down the time and intentionally choose how I wanted to show up with her. And I didn't necessarily do it perfectly or even great, but I showed up more present and more in the way that I really wanted to be. 

12:31 

And if we go back to the definition, a plan that we choose to carry out, right, again, it starts with the fact that we have a plan. We have to know what we want. With my children, ultimately, I want to have open, honest relationships with them. I want them to know that I love them and that I'm trustworthy and available when they may need. Sometimes I do this great and sometimes I don't. And because this requires much more than a weekly phone call or just showing up for things. If my intention is to have this great relationship with my children, that requires that I intentionally show up present and aware. It requires that I really listen to understand, that I engage with them, that I am interested in their lives, like genuinely interested, and not just bother being in the same room with them. We live in a time when it is just so easy to be distracted. 

13:27 

Sione and I occasionally go out to eat, and I hate it when there are televisions all around the room because it is so easy to get distracted and not focus on our time together and on our conversation. It's also easy to get distracted by our phone dinging, alerting us to a text message. It's easy to be focused on accomplishing a task that when people we love try to engage with us that we just keep doing the task and don't focus on the person. And I get that it isn't always possible to stop what we're doing, but connecting with our intention to have meaningful connections, to really know what we want makes a huge difference in how we show up. 

14:05 

And this can be tricky because often, as our primitive brain is conditioned to do, we get on autopilot. And we behave without being aware of what our intentions really are. This is the thing about our primitive brain that is amazing and is also frustrating. It will habitualize everything that it possibly can. If it can be on autopilot, it is happy as a clam because then it doesn't have to expend as much energy. Okay, so of course our brain goes to autopilot. Okay, so we have to really be aware. 

14:46 

But let's consider that wherever we are in our lives right now has come about as a result of our intentions. Because our intentions have driven every thought, every feeling, and every action. When we don't have a strong sense of self, often our underlying intention is to get other people to accept us, to validate us, to make us feel good about ourselves. Most of us wouldn't immediately understand that this is our intention, but when we start boiling down what's really going on, we can see that our intentions aren't always what we think they are. 

15:25 

For example, we might think that our intention is to be helpful, but when we really pull away all the layers, we may find that it's actually about controlling all the people and the things so that we can feel valuable. And this is why doing the work to create a strong sense of self is so important because it can help us to clean up our intentions. Then we're not seeking other  people's approval or acceptance or appreciation. 

15:55 

Doing the work to really figure out our true intentions will require some digging. But looking at your life right now will give you an indication of what your intentions are or have been. If you find yourself frenzied and never able to say "no" and constantly worried about what others are thinking about you, your intention may be to have other people like you so that intention shows up in people pleasing. If you are generally overwhelmed by taking on too much and engaging in perfectionist tendencies, maybe your intention is to prove your worth by the things that you do. If your intention is just to be married and you're currently single, you will find yourself settling and justifying your reasons for being with the person you are constantly, you're currently dating. You will sacrifice who you are and what you are in order to just get married. Often this type of thinking will be coming from ideas that we're not enough just by ourselves, that we need a spouse to be complete or whole. 

17:00 

But if your intention is to have an amazing marriage relationship, your work will be much more selective, right? You won't settle for someone who isn't a good fit. You will make sure the other person has a similar growth trajectory as you and that your values align. You won't be afraid to walk away from a relationship if this person doesn't make your life significantly better. You feel whole and complete on your own, and you understand that marriage isn't to fix your incompleteness, but rather it's to have a partner to share your life with and to really learn how to love better. 

17:38 

I believe that understanding our intentions is one of the most valuable things we can tap into because when we see our intentions clearly, we can see ourselves clearly. And that is when we start to see what we need to clean up in our lives. The greatest work we have to do will be found in our intentions, which come from our deeply held beliefs. And this is when we start to step into our true possibility as humans, as children of God, by cleaning up our false beliefs and intentions. 

18:10 

So look at the life you're currently living and examine your past motivations and intentions and how they created what you are experiencing in your life today. So what do you find? What gold nuggets of information can you discover about how you have been and how you may want to shift your intentions? If there are aspects of your life that you don't love, ask yourself what intentions have gotten you there. And if there are aspects of your life that you absolutely do love, what intentions have gotten you there? Look at your life and the experiences you're currently having. What intentions do you have that produced your life today? It can be so easy in our lives to do just what comes easiest without connecting to our intentions and desires. 

19:07 

I know that I get stuck in social media this way. I might get on real quick to check out someone or follow up on a post I did and 30 minutes later I'm dragging myself off. I like to tell myself that my intention was to get my podcast written and recorded that afternoon, but ultimately my intention was to avoid the hard work required to do it. And so when the opportunity to be on social media was so easy, my primitive brain jumped at the chance. It can be so easy to be thoughtless about how we're engaging. And let's be honest, it's just part of being a human. It is impossible to be intentional about every small thing that we do every day. 

19:47 

But what if we took the three or four most important things in our lives and looked at our intentionality around them? For me, this would be my relationship with Sione, my relationship with my children, my relationships with my Heavenly Parents and with Christ, and my work and relationships that I have here with y'all. So really getting clear around what my intentions are in these four areas helps me discover how I really want to use my time and how I want to engage. When my intentions align with my values, then I find this sweet spot of being able to show up better for myself and for the life I want to live. 

20:31 

The greatest possibility in my life lies in my intentions, my really deep-seated intentions. And if my deepest intentions are based in insecurity surrounding my worth, and I just want people to like me, I will end up not liking myself. I will disregard my dreams and desires. I will dismiss myself all with the goal of getting other people's approval. And I will miss the opportunity to tap into my life's possibility. I will miss the biggest adventure of my life, which lies in tapping into my God given worth and intentionally living my life to grow into my possibility. 

21:17 

Many of us suspend our own desires in order to accommodate others, to satisfy their wants in order to get them to approve of us. And in so doing, we ignore the small nudges we get to create something much greater in our lives. And when we are working at things that are unfulfilling, things that leave us feeling empty and exhausted, we will always struggle with the day-to-day living. Our lives will always feel chaotic and overwhelming and underwhelming when we are winging it because we aren't tapping into our true desires, our true potential. We aren't living intentionally. Intentional living is the key to feeling alive. It's the key to continued growth and progression and to fulfillment and contentment and in the drive to move forward. But to live intentionally, we have to really know what we want. 

22:16 

So what do you want? Deep in your heart, what does your soul long for? What do you ache for so much that it scares you when you slow down to think about it? Maybe it's time to take those things and put them on the table. No judgment, no stress about the how, no anxiety about thinking you don't have the temporal or emotional resources to make them happen. Just put them on the table and take a good look at them. Get used to them being out in the open. Fall in love with them. Become enamored by them. Allow yourself to dream about them and fantasize about them. No pressure. Just plant the seed in your mind and in your heart and let it begin to soften. Let it begin to sprout. Let it begin to grow in your soul and it will make room for itself. Decide the kind of life you want to live, how you want to live, and intentionally choose to move in that direction. 

23:21 

You don't have to shift 85 degrees in one movement. Just a small nudge here and a small nudge there a piece at a time will change your trajectory. But start being intentional. Start choosing your intentions and your life instead of letting life choose you. So what is your intention with this beautiful life of yours? What do you intend to do with the limited time and resources you have while on this earth? Glennon Doyle says it this way. She says, "what is the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine?" I keep this quote hanging above my desk to remind myself that I get to choose, and I choose by knowing what I want and then cleaning up my intentions so that I move in that direction. How will knowing what you want and choosing your intentions change your life? What would be different in your life if you chose more intentionally rather than just shooting from the hip? What if you intentionally responded to life rather than unintentionally reacted? 

24:37 

My dear friends, listen, you are enough. You are of great worth. You were born whole and you will die whole and you will be whole the entire time between, regardless of what you are doing. Being more intentional won't change your worth. It won't change your wholeness. But it will absolutely change the experiences that you have during your lifetime. It will change your capacity to. A big part of cleaning up our lives is cleaning up our intentions. And the more you love your intentions, the more you will love your life. 

25:24 

Oprah said this, "We either live the life we are meant to live or be stifled by the one we are living." Stepping into greater intention is a choice that will create the life you are meant to live, a more meaningful and beautiful life, not just a life that you are suffering through, feeling smothered. When you continually seek to challenge yourself, you find your dream life. You find a life filled with joy, with no regrets, and with a clear conscience. And this is where you live your best possible life. 

26:05 

This is what I call intentional living. So what is your intention living? It's a good question to ask. I love growing up into middle age. It's one of my favorite things. Okay, that's going to do it for me today. If you would love some personal help from me to learn how to implement any of this work that we are doing, please go to my website, tanyahill.com. You can click on the free consultation tab. And from there, you can have access to my calendar where you can find a time that we can sit down together and talk about your situation and talk about how coaching may be a really good fit for you. I would love to get to coach you on some of these things. 

26:56 

And if you're finding that this podcast is helpful, will you please do three things for me? Will you make sure that you subscribe? Will you leave a review? And will you share it with someone? You know, when you're listening to these podcasts, if somebody comes to your mind, I always think, "what if that's God telling you to share it with that person?" It might be. Maybe it's not, but maybe it is. And there's just so much good content here. And I know that this changes lives because it's absolutely changed mine. So I would invite you to share this with people whom you feel could benefit from the same kind of content. Okay, that's going to do it. If you want to learn more about this, go down to the show notes and check out the  additional podcast recommendations I have there. Have an amazing week, my friends. Live with intention. And I'll see you next time. Bye.