00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 376, "The Misery of Uncertainty." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. So glad to have you. If you are a longtime listener or just even a consistent listener, thank you so much. Just love having you here, love sharing this content with you. And I hope that it is making a difference in helping you to have better relationships. This really is kind of what I'm all about. I was married for 24 years and in a pretty bad situation. Not abusive, but boy, just not happy. And really struggled to figure it out. And it wasn't until after my divorce that I started to put some pieces together of what really created healthy relationships. And I started to do a lot of reading, a lot of listening, a lot of just puzzling and figured out some amazing things. 

01:08 

And I find myself now in a three and a half year marriage that is just unbelievable to me. Cannot get over how good the communication can be. And as we learn to be honest, as we learn to show up, things that I never knew how to really do, I played so small in my previous marriage because I kind of thought that that was my job. And socially and within within the confines of church teachings, I just thought that I was supposed to always be the support person. And it just kept me down and did not help me create who I was create, step into who I was created to be. And so this is one reason that I love to share this information because it has changed my life for the better and it has increased my capacity for loving and for being loved. And I just love that I get to share this with you. 

02:00 

If you happen to be new, fairly new listener, I'm just so glad that you're here. And I hope that as you listen, you find things that you go, "huh, that's interesting." And if you want to know more about it, go down to the show notes. At the end of the podcast, for probably the last six months or so, I have put a list of other podcasts that I've done that will build upon the concept that we talk about that day. So if you listen to one and you're like, I love this and I want to understand it more, scroll down, wherever you're listening to your podcast at, you can just look in those show notes and there will be a list of other podcasts. So check those out. 

02:41 

And then just a couple more things. So tomorrow, if you're listening to this on Monday, the day it comes out, tomorrow is my Talk with Tanya. If you want to come to that, go to my website, tanyahale.com, go to the "group coaching" and get signed up for that. You will receive a link in an email. And then you can show up for that. That's just a free webinar. We just ask all the questions. We talk about all the things. We have some great, great discussions there. 

03:09 

And also today and tomorrow start my group coaching classes that I'm doing, two Sense of Self. The Sense of Self classes are Monday afternoon and Tuesday night. And the group coaching class is Monday night. And there's still availability, at least there was at the time of this recording. So if this is something that you're interested in, I'm going to leave those up just a couple of days past the first class in case you just have been procrastinating and putting it off. And I know that I do that for sure on certain things. And so if you've wanted to get into those, you can go to the same place, the group coaching tab on my website and check those out. 

03:46 

So let's jump into today. We're talking about the misery of uncertainty. So here's what I know about our primitive brains: they love certainty. Knowing what to expect brings such a sense of calm and control to our primitive brains, even when what we expect is chaos. Okay, in a book called "What Happened to You" by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry, they share some pretty significant ideas about trauma and how it impacts us. And even beyond trauma, they talk about how our childhood  experiences significantly shape how we see and experience the world and our ability to engage in healthy ways. 

04:24 

So one of the most interesting parts of the book for me talks about how when children were taken from homes that many of us would consider chaotic. So maybe lots of loud and maybe even physical fighting, police officers visiting often, neglect, abuse, all the things that many of us would consider chaotic. And then these children were put in foster homes that were quiet and loving and supportive. The children struggle. So many of us, myself included, think that a quiet, loving, supportive home would be ideal. And probably long term it will be ideal. But in the short term, these children's brains freak out a little bit because the baseline of normal for these children is chaotic. It's where their brains have learned to self-regulate. It's what feels normal and comfortable to them. And when they are no longer in that type of environment, their brains are incredibly uneasy and they don't know how to regulate. Isn't that fascinating? 

05:26 

It's so interesting to me that the quiet, the calm, the kindness to these children feels scary and tenuous and overwhelming. And intuitively, the child will react against this new situation and seek to bring chaos, what we consider chaos, back into their lives as a way to self-regulate. So the child may begin acting out, maybe fighting, yelling, in an effort to feel what feels normal to them. 

05:56 

This is such a fascinating concept to me, especially when I apply it to the life coaching work I do with individuals and with couples. As individuals, we will intuitively seek for things that feel familiar. That familiar may be what we grew up with, or it could be patterns that we have engaged in as adults, but engaged in them enough that it is what our brain wants. People sometimes talk about things like comfort food, food that feels familiar, that helps them to self-regulate. These foods might be different for different people, but where food in our generation was often used as a way to distract us or temper our dysregulation when we were children, we can intuitively be drawn to certain foods when we feel dysregulated as an adult. Or maybe we learn to regulate ourselves in our families of origin by lashing out and yelling at the people around us. And it makes sense then that as an adult, when we are frustrated or angry, that we regulate by doing the same in our adult relationships. 

06:54 

I learned as a child to regulate by going into flight. And I notice to this day that when feeling backed into a corner or attacked in some way, I mostly revert to shutting down and getting quiet. And I often don't even notice I'm doing it until much later. I lose my voice very quickly when I feel I'm in an uncomfortable or an unsafe place. So maybe you learn to escape discomfort as a child by reading books. And to this day, when things get stressful, you find your nose in a book because it helps to regulate your nervous system. So so many ways. And there's no way we could talk about them all, but hopefully this gives you an idea of what to start looking for in your own life. Like what do you do to self-regulate when things get stressful or uncomfortable? 

07:43 

So that's as individuals. Now as couples, we develop our own patterns of behavior that become very comfortable over time. So even though these patterns may be destructive to the relationship, and when one person in the relationship tries to interrupt the pattern, the other person will go to great lengths to restore the proper balance to the relationship. 

08:06 

So for example, when working with one person in the partnership, I will let them know that when they start changing the rules of engagement, that the situation may get worse before it gets better. And this is because the other person knows what to expect with the way that things currently are. They are used to saying something in a certain way and their spouse responding in an equally certain way. It feels familiar and comfortable to our primitive brain, even if the behavior is dysfunctional and or destructive. 

08:39 

So when you change a harmful behavior for a healthier one, your partner may unconsciously push back against the better behavior because you're not doing what's familiar. So let's say you two have a pattern of criticizing and blaming each other around and around in circles. One of you blames the other one, and then the response is, "don't even start with me. You do this." Fill in the blank, right? Which gets the reply of, "oh, I see how it is. I'm always the one to blame. I can't do anything right in this relationship." And then we get a similar response on the other side. And on we go around and around. And  though we may not like it and it leaves us feeling disconnected and angry, it also feels familiar. We know what to expect. We are certain that things are going to feel a certain way, right? 

09:30 

So when you reply to your spouse's criticism with, "you know, I can see your point. I do have a tendency to do that. And I'm sorry. I can see how hurtful that is. I will for sure pay closer attention to that." With this type of response, you may have changed the rules of engagement and it feels uncomfortable. And unconsciously, their primitive brain wants familiar. So it will try to incite you to respond with a familiar response of criticizing and blaming back. So they may push back by saying something like, "oh, and that's not all. Remember the time that you..." fill in the blank, right? Unconsciously, they are trying to get back to homeostasis, to a place that is comfortable and familiar, just as the small child does when placed in a situation that is not normal for them, that is not familiar for them. 

10:24 

And if you stand your ground by only engaging in a newer, healthier behavior, the kinds of things we talk about here on this podcast, it doesn't always go great the first several times. And guess what? That's okay. Actually, it's to be expected because of how the primitive brain works. It will take familiar over unfamiliar any day of the week, even when unfamiliar will create a better relationship. 

10:50 

I recently heard this referred to as, we would rather have the certainty of misery rather than the misery of uncertainty. I thought that was fascinating. Such a great phrase and very applicable with this concept. The miserable patterns of behavior we have either in our individual lives or in our relational lives feels familiar. These patterns feel comfortable and there is certainty in them. And because of this, we will seek for this certainty even when it makes us miserable. 

11:23 

Uncertainty, however, is super uncomfortable and not familiar at all, and that feels miserable. That's why when we're getting ready to do something we've never done before, that we can get all angsty and nervous and second guess our decisions so much. Because our brain isn't certain how it's going to play out. So the first time I went to the pickleball court on my own, I was nervous. I was uncertain how things went. I didn't really know exactly how to check in and who I would talk to or who I would play with. I didn't know whether my skill level would be adequate for the group that I was playing with. And the uncertainty felt miserable and had me hesitating and second guessing going. That's how it is when something is new. 

12:09 

And that includes engaging in so many of the new thinking patterns and skills that I teach here. They may feel uncomfortable and scary to you. And that feels miserable. So what do we do? We sometimes choose to stay in the certainty of misery rather than engage in the misery of uncertainty. When I first started coaching and creating this podcast, there was a lot of uncertainty of how to do it, how it would be received, whether I would get a lot of hate mail, how people were going to judge me based on the content that I was putting out. And because of that uncertainty, it took me several months to get up the courage to actually figure it all out and actually start posting podcasts. I could have not done it and stayed in a place where it was something that I wanted to do in the future, where I felt called to do it. And I would have been miserable because I knew I wasn't stepping into something that I was capable of and that I really wanted to do. 

13:10 

But instead, I decided to step into the misery of uncertainty. It was scary, unnerving, and even overwhelming. Let's call that miserable, right? It was hard to be miserable, to be uncertain how my podcast would be received, whether people would eventually listen, or maybe I would be the only one who would ever listen to it, or whether I would be laughed at because I didn't have the right letters behind my name. But do you see what I was fighting? I was feeling misery either way. I would either be feeling misery because I was certain of my safety by staying where I was and I knew I wasn't putting my work out there the way that I felt like I wanted to and felt called to do. Or I was miserable because I wasn't sure how it was going to be received and it was uncomfortable to be in uncertainty. 

14:01 

So if I'm going to be miserable either way, why not choose the miserable that is going to move me forward? The miserable that is going to give me the chance of success and growth and greater happiness and contribution in the world in the way that I want. I wasn't certain how it would turn out, but I also knew how it would turn out if I didn't even try. I would be in the  same place that I'd always been. And I'm so grateful to Past Tanya for her courage to step into the misery of being uncertain. Because now I have a thriving podcast and business. I am doing work that I absolutely love. I know I'm contributing to the world in incredible, meaningful ways. My business is where it is right now because I was willing to endure the discomfort of uncertainty. 

14:53 

I am also super grateful to Past Tanya for stepping into the uncertainty of dating and deciding to get married again. Sometimes the dating in your 50s scene can feel like misery. Every new person you contact feels like you're taking a chance. And there's a lot of people out there who are not good fits. And every time you choose to meet someone for dinner or a walk in the park, you just don't know what to expect. People can seem amazing online and in person, not so much. So there's a lot of uncertainty and that can feel miserable. In fact, I've heard people talk about how horrible dating is in later life and it can be challenging to be sure, but being willing to feel the misery of uncertainty is the only way that I would have ever found someone amazing to be married to. Being willing to feel that misery of uncertainty is what found me Sione. Had I chosen instead to stay in the certainty of what my life was, I would never have what I currently have, which is incredible, if I'm going to be honest with you. And it's a whole new level of amazing in my life. 

16:06 

So a lot of people I get to work with are in what they would call a miserable situation, but at least it's certain. They know what to expect from day to day from their spouse. And even though it's not the marriage they want, at least they know what to expect. They are willing to stay in the misery of certainty. And people get to choose. They may be very unhappy with their marriage relationship, but they aren't willing to exchange it for the discomfort of uncertainty. And it's totally okay. I don't judge anyone for the choice they make because I know how complicated and difficult some of these situations are. You're changing family dynamics and financial situations and living arrangements and so much stuff, right? I know it's difficult. 

16:56 

And some people choose to stay. And I feel it an honor to be able to help them to be clear on where they are and why they're there. I get to help them clean up and even understand their why for staying in a difficult marriage relationship. And I think it can be really helpful to realize that our brains are always looking for and working toward comfort and familiarity, even when it's not in our best interest. Many people would rather have the certainty of misery and feel comfortable with what is known than have the misery of uncertainty and not know what could happen. 

17:35 

So I want you to think about your own life for a bit. Where are you resisting a positive change in your life because you are uncertain of how things will play out? It can show up in super small ways, like putting off going to the new library because your brain doesn't know where things are or will be, or joining a book club because you don't know most of the people there. It can show up in bigger ways, like not signing up for that class you really want to take because you don't know the other people, or not applying for a new job because it would require so much change. Or it can show up in really big ways, like not being willing to address your glaring marital struggles. 

18:14 

So instead you stay in a very dysfunctional and unhappy situation, because at least you know what to expect. When I hear people talk about how much they hate change, this is exactly what we're talking about here. Many times we think we hate change when once the change is made, we would be really, really happy. What we really hate is the uncertainty of knowing how it's going to play out and what it's going to take to get us from here to there. And let's be honest, it does take effort and it absolutely takes courage. And your primitive brain doesn't like expending time or effort on these things. This part of our brain resorts to what we call the motivational triad to decide how to best protect us. 

19:04 

So three things that motivates our primitive brain. Okay. It's always seeking to avoid pain, to increase pleasure, and to conserve energy. So when you think about embarking on a new adventure, whether it's heading over to a new pickleball court or moving from one job to another, your primitive brain that is always hyper-vigilant about protecting you will run it through these three things. Will looking for and applying for a new job at a new company avoid pain? No, because it will require updating your resume, spending time looking for new jobs and applying for them, enduring the pain of not getting calls back or even spending months looking. Will looking for and applying for a new job increase pleasure? Not today. 

19:49 

It's not pleasurable to sit down and update our resume when you could be watching a murder documentary. It's not pleasurable to go to interviews and then find out you didn't make the cut. It's not pleasurable to apply for 10 jobs and only get one call for an interview. The third one, will looking for and applying for a new job conserve energy? Nope, nope, nope. It will take so much energy to think and process through updating your resume, so much energy preparing and showing up for interviews, so much energy shifting around your schedule so you can be gone from your job to interview for another job, all without letting everybody know what's going on, right? Everything about looking for and finding a new job goes against what your primitive brain is designed to do. 

20:37 

And yet, doing all of these things is what it may take to move your career forward, to find a job more aligned with your skill and interest set, to move into more of the kind of life that you really want to live. And then what if this new job requires moving? Well then that's another whole bunch of things your primitive brain wants to push against, especially when you are uncertain where you're going to live and who your neighbors will be and who you will attend church with and who will do your hair and who will give great massages. 

21:13 

Like all of these things are unknown and it's hard to step onto the unknown. But it's also hard to stay in a known circumstance that makes you miserable. I've often heard that people only change when the pain of where they are gets bigger than the pain of change. Some might call it hitting rock bottom. Some of us are so resistant to change that something really big has to happen before we are willing to rock the boat a little bit. But here's the deal. If you will courage up, if you will make a decision of what you want to do and do it even though it's uncomfortable, do it even when you don't know the outcome and do it before you hit rock bottom. I promise you will grow in your self-respect. You will grow in your strength and your courage and your ability to stay aligned with your values. You will grow as a person who is no longer so afraid of what's uncertain and you won't be stuck in the misery of certainty. 

22:19 

Because being uncertain will not be so scary anymore. When you practice enough, you will learn that uncertainty is not anything to really be afraid of. It might still be uncomfortable, but it can be the kind of uncomfortable that also excites you a bit because you know that on the other side is a future that the you five years from now will praise and adore the current you for. My current self is so incredibly happy and proud of my self from six years ago who started this podcast. Now when I plan classes, I have so much content to draw from. Now when I'm working with clients, I have so many podcasts to send them to to support and teach more about what we talked about during our sessions. Now when someone reaches out with a question, I can send them a list of podcasts that will answer their question well. 

23:19 

I am just so grateful that Tanya from six and a half years ago looked her uncertainty in the face and did it anyway. I am so grateful she went home from teaching eighth graders all day and created podcasts and showed up on social media and sent out emails and told people she was a life coach and worked with clients. Because her willingness to work through her discomfort has created a business that today I absolutely love and that I'm so proud of. Her facing her uncertainty then has created work that I find so much satisfaction and joy in now, in clients whom I find so much delight working with today. 

24:06 

I'm so grateful that Tanya from five years ago did the uncomfortable work with her own life coach of cleaning up her thoughts about dating and marriage and engaging in all of that process. I'm so grateful that Tanya from almost four years ago couraged up and stepped into a relationship with Sione, someone who lived 1,300 miles away, someone who was more freshly divorced than I had wanted. Her willingness to step into uncertainty has created a life that today I am so in awe of. 

24:46 

And now I want to be looking at what I want to gift 62-year-old Tanya. What life do I want her to be living in five years? And what can I do now to ensure that she is living that life? Most assuredly, those things will be fraught with uncertainty and discomfort around what is required now. I get to figure out how to manage the uncertainty and fear in my mind if I want Tanya in five years to be living a more fulfilling life than she is now. I get to learn how to courage up and do the things necessary so that I create the abundant, beautiful life that I want future Tanya to have. 

25:31 

So my friend, what about you? When you look down the road, what will be you of five years to be so glad that you did today? What gifts do you want to give to yourself five, ten, or twenty years from now? Is it a better relationship with your spouse? Let's get to work. Is it a better relationship with your kids? Let's talk about it. Let's figure it out. Is it more self-respect and more of a capacity to step into something that you want to learn and do? Then let's do it. Because the life you want in the future depends on the uncertainty you are willing to step into today. Uncertainty isn't comfortable. In fact, it can feel miserable. But it's also miserable to stay in something certain if it's not what you really want. 

26:35 

Choose to be the person who embraces the misery of uncertainty over the certainty of misery. Choose to be the person who sets up your future self for a life you can only imagine today. If you take the easy road today, you will have a more difficult road later on. If you take the harder road today, you will have an easier road later on. I call that the easy, hard, hard, easy. It's easy now, but hard later. But if it's hard now, it's easy later. 

27:11 

I have a client who started working with me about nine months ago who was definitely uncertain how her husband would respond to her doing this work. She has been doggedly persistent in showing up the way she wants because she knows that the certainty of misery she has been living with for too many years will no longer work for her. And just this last week, he, her husband, stepped into the dance in a way that was surprising and exciting to her. She has shown up over and over again, leaning into the discomfort of uncertainty, changing patterns of behavior, being doggedly persistent in just showing up with these new skills and new tools, not knowing if he would respond and if her efforts would go unmatched. And he finally looks like he's stepping up and doing that. And just like her, you will never know until you try. 

28:11 

Putting it off today just means you're putting it off for your future self as well. If you want a stronger, happier relationship for your future self, it absolutely requires figuring it out today. And you, my friend, were born for this. You were born to grow and progress and create. You were not born to stagnate. Please don't let the uncertainty intimidate you. Step into it and step toward the life you feel that you were born to live. You were not born to be small. You were born with purpose. Let's figure out what that purpose is. You were born with possibility. Let's step into that possibility. You've got this, my friend. I know you do. Okay. That's going to do it for me. Have a fabulous, fabulous day. And I will see you next week. Bye. 

29:17 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.