00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 375: Sense of Self and the Relationship Circle. Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. So glad to have you back. Quick reminder, next Talk with Tanya is September 9th. That will be next week. It's on Tuesday. It's always at 2 o'clock Eastern, 12 o'clock Mountain. And this is just a free webinar where you can show up and join in the conversation. We coach people. We talk about concepts. We just kind of, it's kind of a free-for-all, whatever you want to use the time to do. We usually have several people who show up and you can just sit and listen to what other people have to share if you want, or you can join in the conversation. They've been great. I would love to encourage you to come on to that. You can go to my website, tanyahale.com, go to the group coaching tab, and there will be a place there for the Talk with Tanya that you can sign up, and you will be sent an email with the link. Really, if that's an option for you and you're thinking about coaching or you have something that you want to talk about, show up. These are great, great opportunities to do that. 

01:25 

Also, I have sense of self classes and open group coaching going on starting next week as well. They start September 8th and September 9th. I have two Sense of Self classes going on and I have one open group coaching and two of those are evening classes. So if that's something that is interesting to you, please go to, you can go to the same place, tanyahale.com, go to the group coaching tab and learn more about those classes. There is still availability and they're just great. The last group that I did three sense of self classes at the same time this last spring and every class was very, very different. So even if you've taken a sense of self class and you loved it and you want to do it again, you would have a very different experiences. The curriculum would be the same, but the discussions in every class every week were completely different depending on what people brought. So if you love this kind of discussion, if you want to dig a little bit deeper into it, check those out. You can't go wrong with a sense of self class. 

02:23 

And the open coaching is just an opportunity for every person to get coached individually about every two out of three weeks, depending on how many people sign up for the class. If the class is full, it will be two out of three. If it's not so full, you can get coached every single week on something. This last group, we just had four in and every person got coached every week if they wanted to. So just a really, really great opportunity to do that. So check those out. 

02:50 

Alright. So we are talking today about sense of self and the relationship circle. So we spent the last four weeks reviewing podcasts that I had given you about the relationship circle and about its importance and how it works and all of that stuff. So today I want to pull in this idea, this idea of relationship circle back to our sense of self. So last November, I did seven podcasts in a row episodes on sense of self. So please go back and listen to all seven if you haven't listened to them before. And maybe even if you have listened to them before. And even like there's one on dating. Let's say that you are married. You're not dating, but listen to it anyway. There's going to be some great information there. So go back and listen to them. I think it's going to be helpful either way. 

03:34 

But let's just review a little bit. Sense of self is the core foundational work that we all need to engage in before we can have a really healthy relationship. One way to describe sense of self is that it is belonging to yourself. You know yourself. You love yourself. You respect and honor yourself. You appreciate yourself. Oftentimes, especially as women, we feel that we don't belong to us. We belong to our children. We belong to our husbands. We belong to other groups we may belong in. We have a sense that we exist to make other people's lives better, that it is our job and our responsibility to make sure that others  don't feel uncomfortable or unhappy. We have a false idea that our worth is contingent on whether the people around us are happy and untethered, whether they are successful and progressing. We may falsely believe that we have a responsibility to make sure our children or our spouse are making the decisions that will help them to move forward in life. 

04:35 

And these ideals are false because each of us have our own agency to take care of our own lives. And that includes your children and your spouse. You are not responsible for their lives. Now, obviously, when your children are young and still living at home and not adults yet, okay, we have responsibilities for their safety and for their well-being. We want to be responsible for teaching them good morals and values and ways to live that we feel will best set them up for success and happiness. 

05:07 

But as our children grow, that responsibility becomes less and less, smaller and smaller. Think about a two-sided scale. When a child is born, there are 100 points of responsibility on your side of the scale and zero on the side of the child. You are 100% responsible for their well-being. But as the child grows a bit at a time, we start transferring responsibility points to their side of the scale. They start really young, being responsible for getting themselves dressed, for learning to feed themselves, and for learning to communicate their wants and needs. Then over time, they start being responsible for making their beds, for putting their laundry away, for eventually doing the laundry themselves. They start learning how to cook food and to clean up after cooking. They learn to manage their own schedules and get up for school on time and take care of their own schoolwork. A piece at a time, we transfer responsibility to their side of the scale until eventually we as the parent have zero responsibility on our side and the child has 100% of the responsibility. It has all been effectively and intentionally transferred to them. They are now 100% responsible for all of their own choices by the time they are adults. 

06:27 

And until then, we get to learn during this process how to stay in our own lanes when they are doing something that is developmentally appropriate for them, even allowing them to struggle through a problem that we could fix quickly and easily because they need to learn how to be responsible for solving their own problems. And this is how our children develop their own sense of self, this learning to belong to themselves rather than belonging to their parents. They learn to be confident in their ability to figure things out by themselves, to make things happen in their lives, to live in a way that feels aligned with their values. 

07:07 

This process develops sense of self for our children, and it also develops our own sense of self. We are both learning to take appropriate responsibility for our own lives, seeing us as separate individuals who get to use our agency however we choose. There is an appropriate separation of individuals here. We get to honor their agency to make the choices that they choose, even if they are different than the ones we imagine that they would choose or different than what we wish they would choose. And we get to step into the responsibility of owning our own responses to their choices, whether we agree with them or not. We are in charge of our agency over our behaviors. 

07:57 

So when we have a strong sense of self in our parenting, we come to understand that the choices our adult children use their agency to make do not determine our worth. It does not determine whether we were good parents or not. They become adults who are 100% responsible for their own choices. And we get to learn how to be responsible for staying in our own lane and just loving and supporting them. When we are doing this, we are figuring out how to emotionally regulate ourselves. And we don't need our children to perform or show up in any certain way in order for us to feel strong and capable and respect ourselves and our life choices. 

08:41 

Nobody else is responsible for how we feel. When we look at the relationship circle diagram, remember that we have three circles all sitting side by side in a row and they are touching on the edges. The two circles on the ends represent the two people in the relationship and the circle in the middle is their relationship circle. A strong sense of self shows up in the individual circles. In my own circle, I'm responsible for my happiness, my growth, my failures, my success. I'm responsible for my emotional regulation, for my confidence, for my self-respect. I'm responsible for making sure that I am living a life that is in alignment with the values that I choose to live by, and I'm responsible for figuring out solutions to my problems and my struggles. When we struggle with our sense of self, when we have a poor sense of self, we will struggle in the relationship circle. 

09:40 

And this is because we will start thinking that the relationship circle is the place to fill in our gaps, which is not the case. When I am struggling with my sense of self, it will sometimes show up in my life as a feeling of insecurity. And what happens is that when I take that insecurity into the relationship circle, I start looking to the other person to make me feel safe and secure. And this always places additional strain on the relationship because then we are expecting the other person to come into our lane to fix us, to pump up our sense of self balloon. When we take a broader understanding of the relationship circle, we can understand why this is a problem. 

10:27 

For example, I grew up thinking that when I got married, that it would be the other person's, my spouse's, responsibility to make me happy and to do things that would keep me emotionally regulated. This was a problem because then I became a needy partner. I demand that they carry the emotional burden of loving and accepting me, of pumping up my balloon, and of strengthening me, when in reality, this is all my own responsibility in my own circle. 

10:58 

When I step into the relationship circle, I do not want to be stepping in so that they can shore up my insecurities. I want to step in so that I can learn to be in partnership, so that I can learn to love in a way that requires more growth of me. I'm not stepping in for them to take care of me and all of my emotional needs. I am stepping in to be an equal partner. If I am stepping in needing the other person to make me feel good about myself, I am putting myself into a victim mentality because in essence, I'm saying that I can't feel good unless they show up a certain way, loving me in the way that my love language dictates. 

11:42 

Victim mentality always feels powerless and wants someone else to do something to fix their problem and nothing can be better until the other person does it. When we talk of being needy in our relationships, it means we are expecting the other person to do things that it is not their responsibility to be doing. Most of us understand that when someone feels needy to us, that they are asking too much, that we feel burdened down by their expectations of what they want us to do. Basically, when they are expecting us to pump up their sense of self-balloon, they are asking us to do something that we literally cannot do and it is not our responsibility to do. 

12:29 

We cannot make anyone feel valuable and of worth. That is an inside job for each person. Now, we can tell them we love them, that they are valuable all day long. But if they don't love themselves and feel valuable in themselves, meaning if they don't have a strong sense of self, it is not going to matter how often we tell them. We could tell them we love them all day long, every day, and it still would not be enough. This is when we get exhausted by their neediness. It never seems to be enough, even when we do it to exhaustion. We cannot fill a bucket that does not have a bottom. And when we're expected to put, and when we're expected to, this puts serious strain on our relationships. 

13:22 

Brooke Castillo, who started the life coach school where I got my certification, I love that she used to talk about it this way. She would say, "I take care of myself. He takes care of himself. And then we just get to show up in the relationship and have fun and enjoy each other." Now, I know that relationships aren't just all about fun, but we do get to, and we do get to bring concerns and struggles into the circle, but not so that the other person can solve them for us. The other person is not going to make us whole. That's our responsibility. We bring our struggles and our concerns into the circle so that we can be known, so that we can have someone to witness our struggle and our growth, so that we can have someone to support us in our journey, not so that we can have someone to fix all the things we don't want to fix or that we don't feel capable of fixing. 

14:17 

For Sione and I, this often sounds like "this situation's going on. Can I tell you what my thoughts are about it? Can I share with you some of my ideas?" Right? It's not about fixing things for each other. If you remember, when I talk about the table in the relationship circle, I'm talking about a place where we can put things that we are struggling with. So we don't put things on the table so that the other person will fix them. 

14:46 

In fact, if your partner puts something on the table, it is hands off for you. No touching, no moving the pieces around or picking them up to make adjustments. It's just a place of you saying something like, "oh, wow, that looks really difficult.  What are your thoughts about it? What do you need from me? How can I support you? What are you going to do?" Right? This is the place of partnership. Remember at the first of this podcast that we talked about the separation of responsibility between you and your children as they grow? Well, here's a news flash for you. A marriage partner is already a full-fledged adult. It is not your job to be responsible for them. 

15:31 

Now, we do want to be responsible to our spouse, but we are not responsible for our spouse. They are responsible for using their agency to make their own decisions, to walk their own path, and our responsibility to them in the relationship circle is just to support them in their journey. When we really understand this about the relationship circle, we begin to understand the importance of the individual circles where our sense of self resides. A person with a strong sense of self will want other people in their lives, but not so the other person can fix them or take care of things that they don't feel capable of doing or establishing their value and their worth in the world. A strong sense of self knows that those things are their own responsibility. And when we expect our partner to manage these things for us, it breaks down the relationship because then we introduce pressure, neediness, responsibility, performance pressure, and expectations into the relationship. And all of these things cause the other person to go into a personal protective mode, to shut down. It turns off the desire for their partner and they end up backing away from the relationship rather than leaning into the relationship. 

16:56 

So let's look at this in a sexual context. If one of the partners is making a bid for sexual connection from a place of insecurity or a struggling sense of self, it comes across as needy. Now, it might sound something, I mean, they don't say this out loud, but it feels like to the other partner as them saying, "I need you to take care of my physical needs so that I can feel important and valuable." Now, we do not feel desire and connection to someone who puts responsibility on us to manage something that it's not our responsibility to manage. We're not responsible for managing our partner's insecurity or emotional regulation. We're not responsible for managing their sexual desires. They have to feel important and valuable within themselves first and then bring that person to the relationship circle. 

17:57 

We will always struggle to feel emotionally connected to a person who is needy, who demands that we carry and sustain their sense of self. And when we put pressure on the other person to manage our emotions, our sense of self, that creates unreasonable expectation and responsibility rather than safety and security in the relationship circle. And nobody feels connected to somebody who has unreasonable expectations, who pushes too much responsibility on us. Rather, we find ourselves wanting to connect emotionally, mentally, and spiritually with someone whom we feel safe with, someone with whom we see as our equal, someone with whom we can admire and respect for how they manage themselves. We are attracted to confidence and capability. These types of things draw us in rather than push us out. 

18:59 

So when we don't have a strong sense of self, we show up in the circle in ways that push our partner away, that repel them, that brings out their instinctive personal protective modes rather than bringing out their instinctive connection modes. As humans, we all desire connection to other humans. And part of the relationship circle is finding someone with whom we want to connect with at a deep, intimate level for a longer period of time. But not being able to show up as an equal partner because we are expecting the other person to manage our basic sense of self-functions, this turns off the desire in our partner to connect and turns on the desire to protect themselves. And that protection shows up by withdrawing emotionally and physically and disconnecting. That doesn't mean we have to have a 100% solid sense of self to be in a relationship. We just need to be aware and circle back around and recalibrate, continually engaging in self-reflection and self-confrontation. 

20:10 

The relationship circle can actually be a very brilliant space to learn to strengthen our own sense of self, when we learn to manage our own responsibilities, when we become stronger partners, when both of us can set clear boundaries and stay out of each other's lanes. We don't always get quick and easy validation in our relationships, and this reminds us that it's not our partner's job to validate us. This tests our sense of self because it allows us to practice being the person we want to be, even when our partner is flawed and human. We get to manage our minds around our partner's imperfections and learn to accept their humanity, just as we get to manage our minds around our own imperfections and learn to accept our own humanity. 

20:59 

The relationship circle is a place for us to learn to take more responsibility for ourselves, to learn to be less judgmental and more accepting, less controlling, more compassionate, to love more cleanly. All characteristics of having a stronger sense of  self. Our partner will not always show up in their best self, and this challenges our sense of self. Do I have the capacity to love them when they struggle? Am I strong enough to recognize and believe that how they behave is their responsibility and has nothing to do with me? Can I offer them grace to be a human who makes a lot of mistakes? Can I stay out of their lane and still be supportive? 

21:41 

A strong sense of self will not eliminate problems and struggles in the relationship, but it will significantly decrease the drama around them because each of you will be taking responsibility for what is yours rather than swerving all over in each other's lanes trying to pick up pieces and fix things that are not yours. When you have a strong sense of self, you don't ask your partner to manage your thoughts about yourself, your confidence, and your self-worth. And even if your partner asks you to manage some of that for them, you will respectfully decline and step into a supportive role rather than crossing into their lane. As soon as you start picking up responsibility for things that are not yours, you will begin disconnecting and feeling resentment. So even if they ask you to, don't do it. Set clear boundaries and be loving and kind about it, but stay the heck out of their lane. 

22:40 

On a personal note, I've noticed that there have been times when something will happen with Sione and I will want to go into protective mode. And I've crossed boundaries at times with this. And then I get to remind myself that he's an adult who gets to figure out his own things and he doesn't need me to protect him. What he needs and deserves instead is someone to support him, someone whom he can talk to about all the things and be received and loved without judgment or condemnation. He isn't married to me and in a relationship circle with me so that I can protect him or fix things for him or even to fix him. We are in a relationship so that we can both learn to love better, to learn how to believe in our own lovability, to have someone who will be a witness of our lives and of our journey to become better people. We are here to have someone encourage and support us as we struggle to become better versions of ourselves. 

23:41 

And when one partner cleans up their own mess, it changes the dance steps in the relationship. And the other person has to do something to respond to the different steps. And if they're willing, it can create a safe space for them to look at their own mess. And hopefully the two in the relationship can begin to grow together. 

24:03 

But all of this starts with having a strong sense of self. It starts with us being able to accept who we are, where we are, and how we are. And then we create the capacity to accept our spouse for who they are, where they are, and how they are. A strong sense of self creates in me the capacity to stay out of the other person's lane, to offer grace for my partner's imperfections, to lean into loving them deeper and more cleanly, even when they are struggling. Because with a strong sense of self, I don't need them to show up in any particular way for me to feel strong and capable, safe and secure, for me to feel whole and worthy. That's all my stuff. They get to be 100% who they are and it doesn't threaten me or scare me when they show weakness because I belong to myself. I don't belong to them. I'm not dependent upon their strength to feel strong and safe and capable. 

25:05 

A strong sense of self allows me to also show up vulnerable, willing to be known in all of my mess and dysfunction, because I know that I'm a great person. I'm a strong person. I'm a capable person. I know that my mess doesn't define me. It doesn't make me less worthy or less valuable. Rather, it's just part of the process of being a human. And the relationship circle is me having found a person who can accept my mess and I can accept their mess. And we've decided to join forces, create this relationship circle and work together to support and help each other in cleaning up our own messes. We both take responsibility for our own messes. 

25:54 

Neediness in the relationship circle is a killer. And neediness is created by a struggling sense of self, needing someone else to shore up our insecurities and pump up our sense of self balloon and care for our emotional regulation. In contrast, a strong sense of self asks more of ourselves and less of our partners. And then we can just show up in the relationship circle loving and enjoying each other, supporting each other, being responsible to each other rather than being responsible for each other. 

26:33 

You cannot have a strong relationship if you do not have a strong sense of self. A weak sense of self will always be introducing dysfunctional things into the relationship. So if this is resonating with you, please, please, please consider taking the Sense of Self classes that start next week on Monday and Tuesday. I have a Monday afternoon class and a Tuesday evening class, and they're just so valuable. I promise you, it will be worth your time to figure out the time, the money, the energy, whatever you need to to show up for these classes. If you can't make it to one or two classes, I send out a link to the video that you can then watch it and revisit it. Even if you were in the class, you can still re-watch the videos. Every week for these classes, there's a curriculum. So there will be podcasts for you to listen to that are based around the topic for the day. And we just have such amazing discussions. Everybody who took it last time was just like, oh my gosh, this was so valuable. I see the world so differently and I'm experiencing it so differently now. Please consider this. It's just such a valuable tool to help you strengthen your relationships. 

28:01 

Okay, that, my friends, is going to do it for today. I hope this was helpful. I hope you have an amazing week and I hope to see some of y'all in my Sense of Self class starting next week. Talk to you next time. Bye. 

28:15 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.