00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 374, Greatest Hits series, "Creating More Safety in Your Relationship." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:24 

Alright. Hello there, everybody. So glad to have you here today. Thank you for trusting me with your time. I know it's valuable. I know that most of us don't have a ton of extra. And I just feel really honored to be part of your life in this way and to be helping you learn such significant skills and gain such valuable tools to help you have a better quality life, to really create what you want to in life. 

00:52 

This work that we do, listen, it is not easy. I call it capital W Work, and that's because it takes so much concerted effort to figure things out. And sometimes when we start doing this work, life gets worse before it gets better. Because here's the truth: you are changing the rules in the relationships. When you start showing up better, even though it's better and in the long term, things are going to be easier, you are still changing the rules. And the other people in your life are getting their brains, their primitive brains are going to be saying, "wait a minute. That's not how we do things. That's not comfortable." It's going to throw you into discomfort getting out of your comfort zone. It's going to throw the other person into discomfort getting out of their discomfort zone, even though that comfort zone might be dysfunctional and unhealthy. It is comfortable and your brain would rather do what's comfortable than what's good. 

01:48 

So just be aware that this work, it's difficult for you. It's a lot of concerted effort and it's going to wreak a little bit havoc in your life for a bit, and that may not be like a huge point for you. You might be saying "well, what am I doing here then? I don't want things more difficult." But I promise you things get better when we start showing up as equals, when we start showing up the way that we really want to in our relationships. I believe that this work can be done by anybody who wants to do it. 

02:18 

So a couple of things before we jump in. If you are interested in group coaching or a class that I'm teaching, I have two that are coming up. I am going to be teaching my sense of self class again. I taught it earlier this spring and it was just a joy. It was such a phenomenal class and everybody in it was just like "wow, this was life-changing," and I want to give people a chance to take that class again. So I'm going to be doing a class on Monday afternoons and a class on Tuesday nights. They're gonna be nine weeks long. This is a class that comes with curriculum, so every week you will have podcasts to listen to to be prepared for class, we come to class, we have that topic, we discuss it, we dig deep, we have some really great conversations. I think you're gonna love that class if sense of self is interesting to you. Sense of self is probably the most foundational thing that we need to have in our lives to approach life from a healthy stance, to be able to create what we want and make the changes that we need to make and how to show up equally and all the good things start with a strong sense of self. So hopefully one of those two times will work for you. 

03:38 

The other class that I'm gonna be doing is just an open group coaching class and this one's gonna be for 12 weeks, whereas the sense of self is nine weeks. Also the Sense of Self is going to be limited at eight people per class. The open coaching is going to be limited to six people per class because I want a little bit more one-on-one time with the group coaching because I want everybody to have an opportunity more often than not to get some one-on-one coaching and this, you just bring anything that you want to the class and we coach you on it and do what we can there to make that work. And that's gonna be Monday nights. 

04:16 

So check out, go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can check out the group coaching tab to sign up for that for those. Also, you will also see there a Talk with Tanya. Next talk with Tanya is September 9th and that is just a free webinar which is just a place where you get to show up and get coached, talk about whatever you want to. You can ask me all kinds of questions, whatever you want. We have had some phenomenal discussions there and I have just enjoyed those so much. Again, it's a free webinar that anybody can come to. So go ahead and sign up for that. 

04:52 

And also again, just another reminder, if you go to my website, I have transcripts available for all of my podcasts, I believe that we are finished, or if we're not finished, probably just the first, however many don't have transcripts yet, but almost all the podcasts now have transcripts. And at the end in the show notes for these podcasts, if you listen to one and you're like, "oh, I think I need to understand that a little bit more, or she made reference to a podcast," go down to the show notes. I've always got a list of, I don't know, five, 10, sometimes more podcasts that really will help you dig deeper into these concepts. So if that's what you're after, head there, head down to the show notes and check that out and listen to some of those. I have a lot of people who have mentioned that they have started looking down there and finding some, and it's really, really been helpful in figuring out the direction that they want to go and helping them put pieces together. 

05:49 

So that being said, I'm doing the fourth of this Greatest Hits Relationships series, okay? So we are talking today about creating more safety in your relationship. Safety is so vital in our relationships. If I don't feel safe, I am not showing up. If my partner does not feel safe, they are not showing up. And more than likely, when we don't feel safe, we're going to be in a defensive stance. We're going to hold back. We're not going to engage emotionally or physically or sexually or mentally. We're just going to have this wall around ourselves that does not let anybody else in, but it also does not let us out. And so we are talking about how do we create more safety? How do we help our partner to feel more safe? How can I show up in ways that will let them know that they can also show up, okay? And this is what is so important in our relationships that we learned how to do this. 

06:53 

So something interesting, I was working with the client just today and they were saying, "well, I just don't want to go first." And I'm like, "okay, I get that." Our egos do not want to go first. And yet, sometimes we have to go first because we have the tools, because it matters to us, because we want to start creating something different because we are sick and tired of the same thing that's been going on forever. And we want to create something different. So then we get to go first in creating more safety. 

07:27 

And here's the thing, it is a win-win. You do some hard work and your relationship is going to benefit. Yes, your spouse or partner will benefit, but so will you. You will have more self-respect. Your sense of self will increase. You will be a stronger, better person because of it. And if you stay together because your relationship improves, that's brilliant. That's great. If you go through all this work and your partner is like, "listen, I'm just not interested in engaging with you anymore. I don't want this," and you end up getting divorced. Guess what? The divorce isn't something to cheer about, but then you will be in a better place to continue on with your life in a better, stronger, happier way. You get to have the kind of life that you want. 

08:16 

And part of that, if you're in a difficult marriage or even if you're just in a my marriage, right, you get to create more safety. You get to make some adjustments to create a space where your spouse can really show up. We can't control whether they do, but we can create a safe space where they can if they want to. So that being said, I'm going to play this replay for you about creating more safety in your relationships. I think you're going to love this one as well. It goes right along with the relationship circle, why our relationships need validation. We are just growing in our understanding of how to create healthier, better, happier relationships. Okay. So I'm going to play this for you. Have a great, great week and I will see you next time. Bye. 

09:08 

Alright. Hey there. And welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you here. I am still in Samoa and loving it. It is so humid here. Let me tell you something crazy. Today I looked at my travel backpack that I only use for traveling. So it's been sitting in the corner of our bedroom for almost three weeks. And I looked over and I'm like, "what is that on my backpack?" Like what's going on? And I pulled it out and I have white mold starting to grow all over my backpack because it's just so humid and the material is that thick canvas. And so it's just getting humid from the air and not drying. And so anyway, that's crazy, right? Amazing, but still loving it. We still have nine days left here and we have just enjoyed every minute of it. It is breathtakingly beautiful. American Samoa is a wonderful place if you ever get to come here. No big cities, all little villages, and it's just adorable and breathtakingly beautiful. 

10:08 

So one thing that I want to chat about before we jump in today is my emotional and physical intimacy discussion group that is coming up. It's going to be starting on March 9th. We're going to be doing it for 12 weeks, Saturday mornings, early in the morning so that it is out of your way. You can do it while other people are still sleeping before your family and stuff get up and moving, especially if you're in the West coast. I'm Eastern Time Zone. And so for me, it's nine o'clock, which I know for some of you would go, "oh I would love a nine o'clock class," and I'm a little bit like "nine o'clock is a little bit late for me," but we're still gonna do it because I'm just really excited about it. 

10:50 

So this is a class where you're gonna find information and you're gonna bring it back to the group. And this is gonna be a really great place for us to talk about what really creates emotional and physical safety in our relationship. Intimacy. How do we do that and how do we move forward and so how do I create that in my own marriage? And all of you are gonna have different ideas and see things from different perspectives and I just love the idea of diving deep. I am capping the class at 10 people because I want to keep it small. We're going to have a Facebook group so that we can continue the discussion during the week and so that we can share additional resources and things that we find so that everybody can have that. 

11:34 

And if you are a man out there and thinking, "I might like to do this, but I'm not sure," I have had several men express interest, no men sign up yet, but also some couples have expressed interest in both of them doing it at the same time. So if you're a man, don't be afraid to join the conversation. I think both men and women in the group would really help to create a well-rounded understanding of what's going on. So check that out. You can go to tanyahale.com. At the very top, there will be a tab that says "Discussion Group," and you can get signed up there. It really is fairly cheap considering what coaching costs, and I think it's going to be fabulous. I'm super excited about it. So I hope that if this is something that interests you, that you will join the group. And if you know other people who might be interested, share that information with them. I think it's going to be a great, great place. 

12:25 

Alright. So today we are continuing a little bit on the discussion we talked about last week. We're going to be talking about creating more safety in your relationship. So what are some other things that you can do to create safety for your partner? So the safety that we are seeking to create allows us to honor and respect the other person, and it teaches us to be more accepting and loving toward them as well. 

12:52 

Now, one thing that I want to clarify after last week's podcast, I'm not sure that I was really forthright with this, but I want to clarify that we don't go into behaviors that are out of our alignment with our value system or that violate our own safety in trying to create safety for our partner, right? In those situations, however, it is incredibly important that we make those situations a matter of honest and open discussion. We're going to talk today about some reasons that we don't, but part of creating that safety is not that we just have to become a puppet and do whatever they say. We do have to be in alignment with ourselves but we also want to ask ourselves that question we talked about last week: why am I resistant? And that will help us know because it goes against my values or my own safety or is it just because I'm being lazy or I'm an annoyed or I'm not I'm just not willing to step into the relationship at that level? And those are the kinds of things that we want to start asking ourselves. 

13:32 

But today I want to step into a few more specifics about what it can mean to create a safe space in your relationship circle. And I've broken it down into ten things that you can do to show up as a safe person in the relationship. These obviously are not all-inclusive. There's a lot of overlapping in them but hopefully in breaking it down this way you'll be able to see more clearly what's going on. 

13:32 

So number one, and these are also in no particular order, just as they came to my mind, so number one: you can learn to Powered by Notta.ai

accept the other person just as they are The more we can learn to let go of our expectations that the other person will show up a certain way, the safer of a space we create for them. Imagine that in your relationship your spouse is always criticizing you and the things that you do. You talk too much when you're out with other people. You don't like having the right kind of sex and you don't want it the right amount of times during the week. You're not as religious as I think you should be. You want to share too many details about your day. You're too lenient with parenting the kids or you're driving our adult children away with how you interact with them. You've gained weight and now are not attracted to you. 

15:03 

So here's the deal: we didn't marry our clone and guess what? You don't even have a clone out there. There won't be anyone in the world who has all of the same ideas and opinions and hopes and dreams as you. No one will see the world through the same lens as you. And yet somewhere in our primitive brain we think that the other person should be more like us and it would make our lives a whole lot easier if they were, or if they changed how they were to be more like us because of course we know all things and we do all the things the right way, right? Okay, but of course if they changed to be more like you, your life would be easier. But a huge part of being in relationship is learning to love the other person just as they are. When we don't accept them but rather continually criticize and push them to be how we want them to be, we are not creating a safe place, accepting them for who they are. 

15:59 

Okay, number two: love them no matter what they do or how they are behaving. Now obviously we're not talking about abusive behavior here, but loving them when their behavior exemplifies being a human is a great step to creating safety. Your person is a human and they will act like a human. This means they will sometimes make decisions that aren't decisions that you would make and sometimes their behaviors will impact you negatively. When we can learn to accept that their behaviors are a part of them, that they are part of their human journey of learning and growing and progressing, we can offer a lot more grace for behaviors that may be more difficult for us to accept and lean into. 

16:44 

When I work with clients around this, their spouse may be working through pornography, depression, work issues, cleanliness issues, phone gaming issues, just to name a few. Learning to offer more love and not less love can be a challenge for us, but that is what is required to create a safe environment. If our loving them is fickle and based on whether or not they are behaving the way that we want them to, then they don't feel safe. When we withhold love in an attempt to punish their behavior or to falsely establish boundaries, we are not creating a safe space. 

17:24 

Now, boundaries are absolutely appropriate at times, but boundaries, remember, always come from a place of love, not from a place of punishment or in an effort to control or change the other person, those are not boundaries. Appropriate boundaries are absolutely a healthy and important part of loving the other person regardless of their behavior, and a safe relationship will have safe, appropriate boundaries stemming from love and not seeking to control. So, this is number two, we need to learn to love them even though they're human. 

18:02 

Number three: provide healthy and safe opportunities for them to grow and progress. This can be closely tied to the previous suggestion. When we are creating a safe space, we recognize that the other person is a work in progress. They aren't the end all be all. They will have weaknesses and flaws just as you do. And when we provide a place for them to put their struggles and difficulties on the table, and when we stand back and withhold judgment, when we validate, empathize, and show curiosity, we create a safe space for them to explore their options, to struggle with their decisions, to process their emotions. When people feel safe to talk about their struggles without judgment and without unwanted advice and without being pushed or manipulated, they will most likely figure out a way to move forward to address what needs to be addressed to grow and progress. If we create a place of shame for them, chances that they will want to hide their flaws from us and from themselves increases. 

19:06 

One of the amazing benefits I've found about having a great partner is the safe space to put some really undesirable parts of me on the table so that I can see them better. And have Sione not get judge-y or pushy or try to tell me what to do. He'll ask questions. He'll get curious about my thoughts and feelings and he always loves and accepts me regardless of what I put on the table, and regardless of whether he agrees with my final decision or not. This allows me to grow in ways that I need to in a place where I'm not afraid to fail or disappoint. 

19:43 

Okay, number four: creating a safe space for your person means you allow them to be themselves around you without judgment or rejection. Okay, let's face it. We are all weird. We all have strange idiosyncrasies. We all have our own sense of humor and we all see the world in our unique way. Really embracing your person's uniqueness lets them know that you accept them just as they are. They may tell the world's worst dad jokes. They may sing off tune. They may dance like a goofball in the kitchen. Their moves may not be smooth and they may make up corny roses or red poems for you. So you can either get super annoyed by all of this and let them know that who they are is not okay and thereby shut them down, or you can embrace who they are, love who they are, even when they're singing at the top of their lungs in the shower off key, right? Being in places where we feel we have to monitor all of our behavior, where we feel we have to walk on eggshells or show up as a shadow of ourselves in order to not annoy or bug the other person never feels safe. And if your spouse feels that way, we have some things to work on. Creating a safe space allows the other person to feel comfortable and accepted, showing their unique, weird, authentic self to you. 

21:10 

Alright, number five. Another way that we can create a safe space is to be aware of how our actions impact the other person, even if it was completely unintentional. Now, we are humans as well. We will make mistakes. We will unintentionally say or do things that are hurtful or dismissive or unkind. When we do, rather than brushing it off and thinking and saying, "I didn't mean it like that, it was taken out of context. They're overreacting. They know I wasn't trying to be mean," we can rather address the hurt that we have caused. Of course, we don't want to hurt the person we love, but owning that sometimes we do hurt them and making the effort to apologize by circling back around to clean things up, to let them know that our relationship with them is more important than our ego and our pride, that creates safety. 

22:03 

Number six: creating safety in your relationship means that we also don't expect them to sacrifice their own wellbeing for ours. Sometimes we can get a little self-centered in our relationships and we don't pay as close of attention as we could to our partner. And in this place, we may neglect to say, see, and acknowledge that some of the things we ask are not fair to them. For example, a stay-at-home mom who is tired and exhausted and her husband who has worked all day comes home and she packs up and leaves and comes home at nine or ten o'clock at night, right? Yeah, so she's worked hard all day, so has her husband, right? And them joining in working together rather than saying, "okay, I'm tired, I'm done here," and we all have those days, right? Where we're just like, "listen, I gotta have a break," okay? And that's not what I'm talking about. We're talking about the regular expectation that they sacrifice their own well-being for ours, okay? 

23:03 

In this place, we may neglect to see and acknowledge that some of the things we ask are not fair to them. Maybe we expect them to stay up late every night watching a show with us or having deep discussions when they have to get up early in the morning for work. Maybe we're so focused on our own struggles and challenges and always expect them to be a listening ear and a nonjudgmental sounding board. But when they try to share something with us, we shut them down and don't create the same kind of space for them. Maybe when they try to share something with us, it freaks us out a little bit. We refuse to listen. We refuse to accept their weakness and struggle because it scares us to have them share these things. 

23:45 

An example of this could be like a spouse having some questions and even doubts around your shared religious belief system. It might be scary to you to have them share those things. And so to acquiesce to your own well-being, you shut them down and force them to sacrifice their own sense of needing to ask questions. You don't give them a safe space to figure it out. This could also be expecting your spouse to just never want to have a sexual relationship with you because you don't want one. Or you won't work through your personal struggles that are holding you back from stepping into your sexuality. What the other person wants in the relationship is just as valid as what you want. And a safe partner will create a safe space for the other person's wants and needs and desires. 

24:37 

Number seven: being a safe place for your person means that you will keep your word. You will not keep telling them that you're going to do something and then never do it. It is so important in our relationships that we create trust and keeping your word is a very important way to do that. John Gottman regularly talks about trust as being the most important element in a relationship. Everything great stems from trust. When we move into these spaces of regularly not keeping our word, often it stems from a place of peacekeeping. We're just trying to keep the moment from exploding. We are trying to appease  the other person. We are not being honest with them about what we want. This is where I see the dysfunctional phrases such as "yes, dear," and "it's fine," start to show up. We are seeking to avoid conflict and rather than having a tough discussion, we acquiesce to what the other person wants with zero intention of doing it, right? 

25:42 

So relating this to last week's discussion, it's important that we don't act out of alignment with our values for the relationship. So sometimes a tough discussion is needed, but the people pleaser in many of us can find it all too easy to say we'll do something to get them off our back when we actually have no intention of doing the thing in the first place. This is not okay if we want a safe relationship. It's important that we step into some honesty and have the discussion. It is imperative that we choose to be honest at all times. 

26:15 

That being said, all of us fall short of keeping all of our commitments some of the time. We might say we're going to be there at a certain time and we get distracted on Facebook or Instagram and we don't leave on time. When we don't keep our word, it's incredibly important that we have an honest discussion about why. No lying about there being too much traffic. Own it. Be honest about it. Circle back around and work hard to keep commitments in the future. If a spouse can't trust you to do what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it or honestly own up to it when you don't, the basic trust needed to sustain a healthy intimate relationship deteriorates. So do what you say you're going to do or don't commit to do it and have a conversation about why. 

27:06 

Number eight: creating safety for your person means you will not ignore or invalidate their wants and needs. You will try to meet them when you can't or if it goes against your values or beliefs, you will communicate it in healthy ways. This is basically last week's podcast. When your person asks you for something, don't pretend you didn't hear or understand the request. Step into it either by doing it or by starting a conversation about it. I know that many of us pretend because I used to do it a lot in my previous marriage. It just seemed like such an easier way. But that avoidance was my way of passive aggressively not doing what I didn't want to do and also not having it turn into a fight because I didn't know how to have conversations around my own wants and needs. Invalidating would be saying that they are saying that what they are asking for is ridiculous or unreasonable that they shouldn't want or need the thing. 

28:08 

This can often happen in relationships over the topic of sex. One spouse may desire to have more sex or less sex than the other and they may validate their spouse's desires. They may start name calling, accusing, blaming, attacking. On either side, somebody might say, "you're just a sex addict." Or somebody on the other side might say, "you're just frigid." Right? Here's the thing: their desire for more or less sex is just as valid as your desire for how often you want it. Acknowledging this and having healthy conversations around it have to happen if we are to create safety in our relationships. There cannot be topics that we just don't talk about. Safety means we can talk about it all in a place where we're okay talking about it, even if we have different opinions around it. Okay, so pretending it doesn't exist, taking a perceived moral high ground, invalidating what they want. None of those create safety. 

29:20 

Now, are some of these topics really tough to get to collaboration on? Absolutely. It may be helpful in the case of topics that are just too hot for the two of you to handle to get someone who can help mediate and teach you how to communicate better. Or if you can find places to educate yourself more and learn about tools that can help, like this or other podcasts, books, coaching, or counseling, but do something to figure it out. Until we can really learn to see and hear and validate our partner, we won't create a safe space for them. 

29:56 

Number nine: to create emotional safety, it's important that we refrain from criticizing, manipulating, or seeking to control the other person in order to get what we want. Instead, we will work to collaborate openly and honestly in finding solutions and in setting appropriate boundaries when necessary. So many of us have pattern behaviors that very easily move us into controlling and manipulative behaviors. We will often use passive aggressive techniques, gaslighting, withholding the entire truth, pretending, and often without any conscious awareness that we're doing it. To become aware of these often unconscious behaviors, two things I wanna talk about. One, educate yourself and learn what these things are and how they manifest themselves and then start looking for them in yourself. And two, ask someone to help you see it. A coach such as myself can help you. And you can enlist the help of your person. 

31:00 

That conversation would sound something like this: "I'm starting to realize that I criticize you way more often than I've ever been aware of, and I'm really sorry. This is not how I want to be in our relationship. I want to treat you better. I wanna be a better partner. Part of my struggle is that I don't often realize I'm doing it. I don't see it So I'm going to ask will you help me when I say something critical? Will you point it out to me by saying..." and I'm just going to put here find a phrase that is non-triggering for you? That will stop you in your behavior and allow you to get curious. We want to find a common phrase between the two of you because if you just say "help me see it," and then you do it and they say "see how critical you are??" that's going to ignite. It's going to trigger us, right? And so you want to find something that is non-triggering for you. 

31:54 

But that also allows them to join in the conversation in a non-triggering way, right? Like, I don't know, you could say something like "that was a little critical. Maybe we could try again" or maybe you just need something completely off the wall. Like, you could say "I don't think Donald Duck would say that," right? Just find a phrase that is non-triggering for you, that's going to stop you and have you go, "oh, wait." 

32:22 

So continuing with what the conversation would say. So you would say something like, "when I say something critical, will you point it out to me by saying, and here's your phrase, I really do want to see when I'm being critical. And if I don't understand how what I said is critical, will you help me with that? Also, I'd like to be able to ask you questions about why it comes across critical to you so that I can figure this out and know how to treat you better." Okay. And then your job is to be really, really open to when they say you're agreed upon phrase. Growth and understanding can be really painful sometimes. And asking your person to help you grow can be super, super vulnerable. But courage up, my friend, ask for help. And then when they give it, receive it graciously, see it, work to understand it, circle back around and apologize for it. You don't want to hurt the person you love. 

33:18 

And if you are unknowingly doing it, of course you want to clean it up. And hopefully you want to clean it up more than you want to protect your ego. And when your person shows it to you, thank them, circle back around and apologize for it and pay attention to adjust your behavior accordingly. Knowing that you are working on being a more loving and accepting person will also help to develop a place of safety in your relationship. Okay, so that is refraining from criticizing, manipulating, that kind of stuff. 

33:55 

Okay, here we go. Number 10: if you need more help than your person can assist you with or that you can figure out on your own, get the help. Let your person know you value the relationship enough to figure out how you are showing up in unhealthy ways and that you want your best self to be available to them. Can counseling or coaching be expensive? Yes. Yes, it can. But I also can promise you it is cheaper than a divorce, and it is so much better than years and years and years of dysfunctional, hurtful, overwhelming, and unsavory behavior. When you recognize the value of living in a way that is in alignment with who you really want to be, and when you value your relationship enough to figure out your own dysfunctional behaviors, you will realize that the monetary investment is a small price to pay for the next 20, 30, or 40 years of a healthy, intimate, safe relationship, maybe even 50 years. Having been in both an unhealthy and a healthy relationship, I can promise you that you will not regret the investment in money, time, and energy to clean up your stuff, to learn to be more vulnerable, to create an emotionally intimate safe space. 

35:20 

Since my divorce eight and a half years ago, I have invested close to $50,000 in coaching of various sorts to see myself more clearly, to understand, and clean up my own hurtful behaviors and to learn how to engage in a relationship with more vulnerability, self-awareness and honesty. And I do not regret one penny of that money. It's come in a lot of different forms, but all of it has helped me to create the relationship that I get to share with Sione. And what we are creating is priceless. It's like nothing that I had ever dreamed of. It is so much deeper, rich and satisfying than I could have imagined. 

36:07 

You don't need to work with me, but, my friend, if you are in over your head, work with someone who you are confident can help you see and understand yourself and your behaviors and provide you with the tools to help you clean it up. If you do want to work with me, go to tanyahale.com, click on the "free consultation" tab at the top, and let's set up a 90 minute session where we can do some coaching with you to help you see what coaching is like, how it can help you. And that can  be part of your decision making on, do I want to invest the money to work with this person? And if I'm not your person, find somebody else, please. This is an amazing part of growing up, is learning how to own our own stuff, learning how to see our stuff and not be afraid of it, and learning how to work through it and clean it up so that we can create what we want. I think a lot of times we are just not prepared with the information until later on. 

37:21 

Sione and I were talking the other day about how interesting it is that that all of these concepts that as I've come into them I've gone like "oh my gosh this is amazing. People have never known this before," and then as I continue to read books and learn stuff I find out that throughout the ages, and not just a hundred years ago or 500 years ago but thousands of years ago five thousand years ago, these kinds of concepts were being talked about and shared. I just think that there's a time in our life that we have enough knowledge behind us for things to really start making sense for the pieces to start fitting together and that's why middle age is so magical. That's why this is the time to really do this work because you will see and experience things you haven't before. 

38:09 

This creating more safety in your relationships is vital for healthy places to be able to create the kinds of intimacy that we want. Step into it my friends. You have got this. You can do this. You can create healthier and better relationships. Set your ego aside and let's figure it out together, shall we? Okay, that's going to do it for me. Really quickly, don't forget about the emotional and physical intimacy class. You can go to tanyahale.com to check that out and sign up for that. 

38:52 

And if you love this podcast, if it's helping you, please share it. You can share it one-on-one with people. You can share it on your social media. You can copy the link and text it to people. If that all feels a little bit invasive to you because it's two one on-one, write a review. If you have Apple, you can just scroll down to the bottom of my feed and it will have reviews in a place where you can do that. It's super, super easy. It will take you less than five minutes. Leaving a review, what it does is, I mean, other people are going to read it, right, if they're interested in doing this to see what people have to say. But also, for people who type in similar kinds of concepts than what I've got on there, it will pop up as a suggested for you podcast and you can share this podcast that way. Okay, so do this, my friends. Share the love. Get this amazing content out there so that people's lives and relationships can be changed for the better. Okay, that is it. I wish you all the best this week. Have an awesome week. I'm going to enjoy my last nine days here in Samoa, American Samoa, and I guess that's going to do it. Have a great week. See you next time. Bye. 

40:18 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.