00:00 

You are listening to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 37, "Self-Care." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, hello there. So happy to be with you today and glad that you're joining me. It's a great day, it's beautiful outside. I think finally summer has decided to come to Utah. We have had a lot of rainy, colder spring kind of weather and it's middle of June and it still is cold. I had my niece's wedding and reception on Saturday and it was just cold. I had to get a blanket and I had to go home and change my clothes so I could be warm because it was, I'm just not into being cold. 

00:54 

But some good news, and I want to thank you for this: my podcast last week on Thursday just hit 2,000 downloads. So this is the fun, it's a little bit of fun information. It took me 65 days to get my first 1,000 downloads and only 36 days to get to my second 1,000. So that's some good progress. Thank you for listening. I appreciate that because that would not be happening without you here with me today. So thank you, I owe it all to you. 

01:20 

Today we are going to be talking about self-care. This is great. I love this topic. More and more I believe that our society has some pretty skewed views about what self-care really is and I think marketing has a huge deal to do with that, in making us think that self-care is something that it's not really not. I started thinking about this a few weeks ago when I went to lunch with some friends and they started mentioning something about getting their nails done because they needed to focus on some self-care and something. And at the time I had this little nudge inside of me that just said I needed to start looking to self-care a little bit more closely, because it doesn't seem like it's just all about getting manicures and pedicures and spending a day at the spa. 

02:09 

I mean, it's a lot more intense than that, and so I started thinking about it, and I started reading some things about it, and then I found another podcast about it and listened to that, and it really started to become clear to me why our concept of self-care wasn't sitting well with me. And it comes down to this: self-care really isn't so much about what is happening outside of us, but is what is happening inside of us and what we are creating inside of us. Now, I'm not saying that getting our nails done or getting massages isn't a great experience, but they're more surface solutions to what we really need in order to be in a good place emotionally. If not we're doing those things to get in a good place emotionally, it's not gonna work. There are other things that we have to do to get ourselves taken care of. 

02:59 

And this is the deal: self-care is usually not very much fun. It's not like a day at the spa. Really good self-care can actually be pretty difficult because it requires a lot of discipline on our part. So in looking for more information about self-care, I came across this short article and I thought it was really amazing. So I'm just going to read it to you. It's not very long. It's entitled "Self-care is Not an Indulgence, It's a Discipline," and it was written by a lady named Tammy Foreman. The subtitle here says "self-care requires the discipline to do the hard and boring things that are good for us." Doesn't that just make you super excited to get involved in some self-care? Bam! Self-care today, baby. Hard and boring. That's what I'm after. 

03:48 

So here we go. Here's her article. She starts off by saying, "the way self-care is portrayed today is completely and utterly backward. First, self-care as a concept is almost exclusively aimed at women. Generally wealthy white women who can afford the goods and services that get marketed to them as self-care. The not-so-subtle suggestion is that women need to be reminded to care for themselves because, after all, they are so busy taking care of everyone else. And the even less subtle suggestion is that while we should be taking care of ourselves, that doesn't absolve us from taking care of everyone else.

 04:28 

"Which brings me to the second way that the current portrayal of self-care is backward. It's characterized as an indulgence. This means both that the practice of self-care is something we are occasionally allowed to indulge in and that self-care should feel like an indulgence. Think expensive bath products, luxurious chocolates, spa appointments. When we spend more time talking about the self-care power of high thread count sheets than we do about getting enough sleep, we've wandered pretty far away from anything that can be remotely considered healthy for either mind or body. Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline. It requires tough-mindedness, a deep and personal understanding of your priorities, and respect for both yourself and the people you choose to spend your life with. 

05:21 

"For example, self-care is turning off the TV instead of watching another episode of The Crown because the alarm is going off at 5 a.m. so you can get to the gym. Declining the second drink at the office holiday party. It might even be declining the first drink, saying no to the thing you don't want to do even if someone is going to be angry at you, maintaining financial independence, doing work that matters, letting other people take care of themselves. If we are being honest, self-care is actually kind of boring. Which is why self-care is a discipline. It takes discipline to do the things that are good for us instead of what feels good in the moment." 

06:03 

"It takes even more discipline to refuse to take responsibility for other people's emotional well-being. And it takes discipline to take full and complete responsibility for our own well-being. Self-care is also a discipline because it's not something you do once in a while when the world gets crazy. It's what you do every day, every week, month in and month out. It's taking care of yourself in a way that doesn't require you to indulge in order to restore balance. It's making the commitment to stay healthy and balanced as a regular practice." 

06:44 

Okay, that's the end. Isn't that a great article? I love the idea that when we regularly engage in activities that keep us balanced and in a good place emotionally, then we don't feel the need to escape from our regular lives. Going out with friends for a spa day because it's something you really love is a fabulous idea. But when we feel the need to go out for the same activity for a spa day because we feel we need to escape our regular lives, that's when we can start to see that there's a problem. I get up early in the morning and exercise. For me, exercise is a huge part of my self-care and it's hard to get up early. You bet it's hard to get up early. During the school year, I'm getting up at 4 a.m. so that I have time to read scriptures and pray and then go exercise at 5 because I have to be to school at 7:20. So, I mean, my time's pretty short there. Afternoon or evening exercising just doesn't work for me because I get too tired and if I try to read scriptures later in the day, I have a rough time staying awake. So after years of trial and error, they brought me to this place of doing all of these activities early in the morning. 

07:52 

So yes, there are mornings I lay there and I think about it how crazy I am to be getting up at four or in the summers I get up at five but my prevailing thought that gets me out of bed is how much I need these activities to help me stay balanced and to feel good. They are necessary for my self-care so I make the adjustments in my schedule to make sure I'm getting enough sleep so that I can get up in the morning. I think that time and trial and error help us to understand what things are really important for us individually but there are some great information out there that can help us get a handle on what we really need for good emotional and mental health and what we need to be doing for our self-care. 

08:31 

So one that I found that I really liked is from a man, Dr. Dan Siegel, and it's called the healthy mind platter. So the idea is based off of the food pyramid that there are certain things that we need to eat every day to have a healthy body. Dr. Siegel believes there are certain things we need to engage our mind in every day to have a healthy mental and emotional life. So here's his seven ideas for for better care. So the seven things you should put on your plate every day to have better self care. 

09:01 

One, we need to have some focus time. The tag that he puts on this is, "when we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, we take on challenges that make deep connections in the brain." Alright, so I see this so much in my own life. Now that school's out for summer, I have a lot more time to focus on things for my business that I want to do. And on days that I really  focus in on getting tasks done that I want and creating the content that I feel good about, it's energizing and it's exciting. I feel really engaged in my life and I want to keep moving forward. 

09:38 

So this for me is really a great part of self-care, that I walk away at the end of the day going, bam, I'm a rock star. I did that today. I did what I wanted to do and it felt really good. Plus, as we get older a growing brain is a healthier brain. A book that I've been listening to, "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Deutsch, I think, shares research about how as we get older we need to be learning new things to keep our brain active and resistant toward the natural slowing down that will happen as we get older and diseases like Alzheimer's and dementia. Cool, right? And just as a side note, in that book they talk about how learning a new language is one of the best things we can do as we age to keep our brain growing and changing. 

10:23 

Alright, the second thing that Dr. Siegel talks about is playtime. His tag for that is, "when we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, we help make new connections in the brain." I love this and I'm not always so good at it. Brené Brown found in her research that play was one of the major factors in our ability to have a wholehearted life or a life that is balanced and healthy emotionally. I believe as we get older sometimes we don't play as much. I know I sometimes find myself really struggling to play as much as I used to, to be as spontaneous and just engage in things that are fun for me. 

11:04 

One of the things that Brene Brown says is it's an activity that you lose track of time doing, and I don't do that so much anymore. I know sometimes I find myself really struggling to play as much as I used to, especially since I no longer have little kids who need me to play and engage with them in doing those kinds of things. But I love the words that Dr. Siegel uses. He says "spontaneous, creative, enjoying novel experiences." So I can definitely engage in more of those things without having to get on the ground and play a game that's actually not really fun and play for me, like Candyland or something. So not fun. 

11:41 

Okay, so here we go. The third one that Dr. Siegel talks about is connecting time. So when we connect with other people, ideally in person, and when we take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world around us we activate and reinforce the brain's relational circuitry. Okay, so cool stuff, right? So connecting with others in person and connecting to nature. I love these two ideas For Mother's Day my two daughters and I went to a nearby lake We walked around it. We were out for about an hour and a half. We were just chatting the whole time. It was an awesome Mother's Day for me just because I felt completely rejuvenated and connected with them after spending time with them out and in nature. 

12:26 

The fourth thing Dr. Siegel talks about is physical time. His tag is "when we move our bodies aerobically, if medically possible, we strengthen the brain in many ways." And I mentioned before that I've exercised Like early in the morning. This is a huge one for me because I found if I'm not exercising regularly I just don't feel right. I find myself starting to feel grumpy and more short-tempered. Life can get really busy and it's hard to fit this one in and that's why I ended up over 20 years ago starting to exercise early in the morning before my kids got up. Even as a young mother I recognized my need for exercise to keep me balanced emotionally. Lucky for the people who lived around me, right, my friends, because I would always finagle them into getting up and exercising with me. There were times we just walked, there were times that we ran, times that we went to the gym.So currently we go to the gym at the church and just work out in the morning and It just keeps me balanced emotionally, keeps me feeling good physically as well. 

13:34 

Alright. The fifth thing. Dr. Siegel talks about is time. In his tag "when we quietly reflect, internally focusing on sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts, we help to better integrate the brain." I love this. Since school got out, I focused on spending some time every morning doing a thought download. I just get out a piece of paper and I write whatever I'm thinking about, discussing with myself, my ideas, my feelings, my desires. It's been really insightful in helping me to understand myself better, knowing what I want to accomplish and what is really kind of holding me back from doing the things that I want to do on my days that I'm not so productive. 

14:17 

Number six, Dr. Siegel talks about downtime. The tag, "when we are non-focused without any specific goal and let our mind wander or simply relax, we help the brain recharge. Now this doesn't mean downtime all day long, but it does mean that we need breaks in there." So another book that I read this last year called "The Powerful Engagement" by Jim Lohr and Tony Schwartz, talked about the necessity of taking breaks. So when we schedule in a break to do nothing or something engaging and fun every 90 minutes or so, our productivity goes way up. We can accomplish, say in six hours, what without a break might take us eight or 10, okay? 

14:58 

Something I learned a few years ago, and I don't remember where, is that during this downtime where we just sit and do nothing, our brains get a chance to download all of the information we've been gathering throughout the day. But this means we just sit and relax for a bit. We're not on our phones scrolling social media, or we're not playing a game. We're just being non-focused and letting our brains relax. If we do this several times a day, our brain can keep up on the downloading. And if we don't do it at all, our brains can go into hyperdrive where we lay down at night to sleep. And because our brain is now doing a day's worth of downloading all at once, we can have difficulty sleeping because our minds have a hard time settling down with all that downloading going on. Pretty fascinating, right? So taking two, three times a day to just kind of sit and veg for 10 minutes and let your brain just kind of recover and start downloading gives your brain a chance to do that so that it's easier to sleep. How's that for a fascinating tidbit of information? 

16:00 

And the seventh thing Dr. Siegel talks about is actually our sleep time. His tag, "when we give the brain the rest it needs, we consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day." Okay, so this is a huge one, my friends. We have got to start taking better care of ourselves and protecting our sleep. One of the biggest excuses I hear from people that I talk to in clients is that after the kids go to sleep, it's the only time they can get things done. You know what? Figure it out. If that means dropping things that don't really need to be done, drop them. If that means dropping things that need to be done, drop them. Really, our kids do not need to be involved in every activity under the sun. 

16:45 

And it's okay if they're not playing varsity tennis in high school or aren't the best singer because we drop singing lessons and whatever else we may use to keep our kids highly busy. Whatever excuses we give ourselves about how we're creating a future for our kids, eh, they don't need to be the best at everything. And guess what? That school science project, it's not yours. It's your kid's. And it is okay if your kid does not get an A on it. Or even a B. Research shows that some of the most successful entrepreneurs out there were C students in high school and in college. 

17:21 

Again, as we've talked about before, these perfectionist ideas will take away every space in our lives where we can live and where we can sleep, right? Our houses do not need to be perfectly clean and decorated. You know, at some point we have to let go of these ideas of having to do everything and really engage in self-care, and sleep is one of those things. So figure out how much sleep your body needs. Most adults are between seven and eight hours. Know what time you need to get up, count backwards that many hours and go to bed. Alright, if you need a nap in the afternoon because you didn't get enough sleep for whatever reason, take a nap. Guilt-free nap. You don't have to feel guilty for taking care of your body in the way that needs to be taken care of. 

18:12 

Stop scheduling yourself and your family to the point of exhaustion. Learn to say "no." It's the most amazing two-letter word in the universe. "No." It's liberating. "No." It frees us up to do what other things we want to do. Just say "no." It's amazing that it's often one of the first words we learn as a child, but the word we struggle so much with as we get older. Right? 

18:41 

Coaching can help with that. If you need some help, call me. Okay? So there you go. Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a lot of awareness and discipline. It takes work to take care of ourselves, but it is work that is well worth it when we create a place where we belong, where we feel good emotionally and mentally and physically. 

19:06 

So your goal for today: figure out one way that you can take better care of yourself this next week and put it into action. Start doing it every day. I wish you all the best in your self-care endeavors this week. I know there's a lot of them. Okay? I love growing up. Growing up is pretty awesome. It gets us to a good place where the self-care starts fitting in easier and  easier for me as I get older. So if you would love some personal help from me to learn how to engage in more self-care or just navigate some tough situations with more clarity, contact me at tanyahale.com. You can go on my coaching tab and book a free 20-minute coaching session to get you started. I would love to help you learn how to be more compassionate with yourself and take better care of yourself. 

19:52 

And if you feel this podcast is helping you out, do a few things. You can subscribe, you can leave me a review, and you can share it with someone else who you feel would benefit from this kind of a podcast. Hope you have a really, really terrific day. I hope you connect with some self-care that you need and that you put the effort in and the discipline in to do it. Have a great day! See you later! 

20:16 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!