00:00 

Hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 366, "The Art of Not Negotiating." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. I am super glad as always to have you here with me. I am so honored that you take this time to be here and to learn and to grow and I'm grateful that you trust me to share with you information that can help you have better relationships. I know that this information has completely changed my life and is creating for me a life that I just could not even imagine before and I'm so grateful for it. I know that as I work with clients that this work creates completely different relationships for them as well and so thank you for trusting me and trusting this process. I'm just really glad to have you here. 

01:09 

Two things just really quick. My next Talk with Tanya is July 8th. Those are always on a Tuesday and they are at 2 o'clock Eastern 12 o'clock Mountain. They are a free webinar where you can just come on and chat about anything. We can dive deeper into content. We can ask questions. You can get some coaching done. They've been really, really great and we've had such fabulous discussions. I would love for you to make it if that works for you. 

01:37 

Also, something that I started doing about three months ago that I am finding really helpful is in the show notes for the podcast I am listing anywhere from 3 to 10 podcasts that have to do with similar content. So if you want to learn more about the content, dive a little bit deeper into it and understand pieces better, go to the show notes, look at the other podcasts that are there and pull them up and have a listen and see what you can come up with. 

02:10 

So that being said, let's jump into today's podcast topic. We are talking about the art of not negotiating. So here we go. I think that our primitive brain is so fascinating because it is always seeking to protect us, but it does so from a place of 100% objective and moral neutrality. It doesn't have any right, wrong, good, bad, moral, immoral filters. It's like a Google search. It just finds information in our brain and spits it out. So it doesn't really know what we need protecting from. It just assumes we need protecting from anything that feels uncomfortable. So, some of the things that it thinks are going to protect us actually do the opposite. They put us in danger of some sort, or they set us up for long-term failure that doesn't serve us well at all. 

03:09 

For example, one that many of us can relate to is wanting to get up earlier for a variety of reasons. Usually, it's not a problem to get up early. When somebody in our life needs a ride to the airport, our primitive brain doesn't push back on that one and say, "you could sleep in." Like, we just go, "no, it's not an option. I'm getting up because that's what I do." For me, the pushback in my primitive brain is usually when I want to get up early to establish a new morning routine just for me, because it will serve me better in some way. I want to start exercising, or I want to create time for reading the scriptures and or writing in my journal. Maybe I want to write my podcast in the morning or make time to meditate. I have had so many times in my life that I've decided to make a change to get up earlier so I can create something different in my life and I've fallen down on my commitment. And when I understand my primitive brain better, I can understand why it can be such a challenge to keep those commitments to myself. 

04:10 

So maybe your thing isn't getting up earlier. Maybe it's changing an eating habit or a social media habit or something else in your life. It doesn't really matter because anytime we want to shift something in our life, our primitive brain will have something to say about it. And it's not usually very happy that we are messing with the status quo. Primitive brain does not like change because primitive brain is all about protecting us by doing three things. The first thing that it wants to do is  avoid pain. Pain is bad according to our primitive brain. And since primitive brain also has no concept of time, it is only focused on right here right now. It doesn't care about future. It doesn't care about past except to gather information from there. It just is concerned about what is happening this second. 

05:05 

Is it painful right now? Is it uncomfortable right now? Well then don't do it. Primitive brain has a PhD in arguing against things that will be painful right now. It will push and push and push for us not to do it. Want to start lifting weights? Primitive brain will argue against it. It's going to be painful. Want to start lifting heavier weights? Primitive brain will continue to argue. Do you want to go to bed instead of watching the next episode of your show? Primitive brain will not want to go to bed because that requires getting out of your comfy space on the sofa, changing your clothes, brushing your teeth, washing your face. All of that is painful compared to continuing to sit on the sofa vegging to a fascinating TV show. If primitive brain thinks it will be painful right now, it will have something to say about it and it will not relent until it gets what it wants or it finds out that for sure it's not going to get what it wants. 

06:10 

Okay. The second thing that primitive brain does to protect us is to seek for pleasure, and not pleasure in 10 minutes or even tomorrow. Primitive brain wants pleasure right now this second. So that chocolate chip cookie you just remembered sitting down on your kitchen counter. That sounds really pleasurable to eat right this minute. Staying in your comfy, cozy bed all warm and toasty at five o'clock in the morning. That sounds infinitely more pleasurable than getting up and going out into the cold for a run or a walk or doing your CrossFit exercises that you're going to get all sweaty and tired. Stopping at the fast food place to pick up dinner sounds so much more pleasurable than getting home and spending 30 minutes preparing something. Not to mention the dopamine rush we get from all the extra whatever-it-is that they put in that fast food to up the pleasure for our taste buds. I don't know what they put in there, but there's gotta be something, right? 

07:10 

The third thing that our primitive brain loves to do because it thinks it is protecting us is conserving energy. Because if I use up all my energy and then a tiger jumps out of the bushes to eat me, I won't have what it takes to fight it off and or outrun it. And though we don't generally have to worry about tigers these days, our brain may be concerned about the energy to keep up with the grandkids we are watching later today, or our packed schedule this afternoon, this huge to-do list we have. Primitive brain will come up with all sorts of reasons to conserve energy. And as with the other two, it will come up with them all day long. It never gets tired. 

07:53 

So when we look at what we call the motivational triad, that's those three things, avoiding pain, seeking pleasure and conserving energy. We have to really pay attention and realize that our primitive brain will be relentless about doing these things for us because one of its biggest jobs is to protect us. And often it does a fabulous job. If we're driving recklessly down the road at some point, primitive brain will cause us to feel fear and it will entice us to slow down. That is our primitive brain seeking to avoid the pain of a crash. Our primitive brain also automatizes so many things that we do because it conserves energy. So we don't have to think about every move we make when driving down the road or getting dressed or cleaning the dishes after dinner. Things have become automatic patterns, or habits, and we get to do them without expending much energy at all to get them done. That's actually quite brilliant. But it can also become a problem because it often works in opposition to our prefrontal cortex. 

09:09 

Now, our prefrontal cortex is where the executive functioning in our brain takes place. This is where we are able to think and to process, to make goals and plans to figure out what is the best course of action for us. And ultimately, what is the best course of action long-term very often goes against the purposes of the primitive brain. To use a previous example, if we decide in our prefrontal cortex that getting up early to read or meditate or pray or exercise will be in our best interest over time, when that alarm goes off at 5am, our primitive brain will start whining like a baby. "It's too early, I didn't get enough sleep, I have so much to do today, it's just so warm and cozy in bed, oh it's cold outside, I can start tomorrow, it's not a big deal." 

10:01 

So notice that all of these things our primitive brain is telling us are seeking to avoid pain to increase pleasure or to conserve energy or a combination. That is her job, and guess what, she is doing a bang up job of it at 5am. And if we end up listening to her and staying in bed, it will feel so good at that moment which is what primitive brain wants. But once that  alarm goes off at 6am, it all starts to spiral down. Because though primitive brain does a great job at making things wonderful, at the moment it often sets us up for failure in the future. 

10:43 

So let's say I listen to primitive brain at 5am and decide to reset my alarm for 6 a.m. and I go back to sleep. That feels great at 5 a.m. but at 6 a.m. when I finally roll myself out of bed, I start to feel disappointed with myself. I realized that I didn't keep the commitment that I made to myself and my self-respect and my self-trust take a hit. Though it felt good at the moment I chose to go back to sleep, it feels horrible an hour later. But permanent brain doesn't care. She will just move on to figuring out how to distract us from the next horrible feeling. Maybe with some food or some great justification or even just releasing ourselves from the desire to do what we had wanted to do in the first place, which was to establish a better morning routine. 

11:35 

And this is where we get to start paying attention and evaluating what is going on in my brain. Let's go back to the moment your alarm went off. What is the first thing your brain thought? Most likely it was your primitive brain giving you a reason why you should stay in bed. "Oh, do I really want to do this? Oh, this is so much work. Oh, it's just so cozy. Oh, I'm just so tired," right? To which your prefrontal cortex probably replied with something like, "but I really do want to do these things." And then primitive brain comes right back with another reason why you should just go back to sleep. And then prefrontal cortex will come back with something else. "Yeah, but we committed to do this. It will be so much easier if we get this done this morning." And your primitive brain, which is relentless, will give another reason and another reason and another until it either gets what it wants or it doesn't. 

12:33 

So at this point, once we start this negotiating, we are in a bit of a losing battle. Primitive brain is so persuasive. And as soon as we start negotiating with her, pretty much we're lost. At least that has been my personal experience. She wins most of the arguments that she has with prefrontal cortex. Remember, she has a PhD in human coercion and getting her way. So once we start negotiating with primitive brain and the longer we allow those negotiations to go on, the more likely it is that we're going to do what she wants. 

13:11 

But as soon as we move forward with our prefrontal cortex plan, as soon as I pull back the covers and stand up and start walking toward the bathroom, the primitive brain lets go of that argument because it says, "oh, changed our mind. Well, I guess we're not doing that." And it moves on to the next thing, starting the next phase of, "well, what's the next painful thing that's going to come up and how do I avoid the pain or increase the pleasure or conserve the energy?" Primitive brain doesn't get upset or discouraged or start feeling awkward for continuing to push. She just does her job, which is to protect us from what she perceives will be painful. 

13:50 

So let's say you make it out of bed to start your morning routine. 5 a.m., you pull back the covers, out of bed, you do this. Primitive brain just shrugs it off. She's like, okay, next thing. Remember, it doesn't see it as winning or losing a fight. It just sees it as a thing, and it moves on. What primitive brain will start to do is focus on the next way that it can protect you from discomfort, and it will start arguing that point. So you're out of bed, you've cleaned your teeth, you've gotten dressed, and primitive brain knows what a tough workout is next on the docket. So what does she do? She'll say something like, "you should check your text messages and make sure you're not missing anything important before we get started exercising." 

14:33 

Now, If you're not paying attention to what is happening in your brain, it is so easy to succumb to this suggestion because it makes sense. Of course we want to check our text messages in the morning, but primitive brain is just trying to avoid the challenge and discomfort of the workout. And it knows that if you get sucked into any element of your phone, that chances of a hard workout will go down and we will experience more pleasure. 

15:04 

So let's say that you deny your primitive brain the text message check and you get started on your workout. What's the next strategy your primitive brain uses to avoid pain, increased pleasure, and conserve energy? Well, same strategy, different mode. It's going to say things like, "oh, this workout is so hard. I don't think I can keep this up. There is no way I can do four more pushups. I'm too tired to do another set of squats. If I quit now, I'll have time to make a hot breakfast," right? I know  you know you've experienced this before. Maybe not with exercise in the morning, but you know what I'm talking about. And on and on, this goes on in our head all day long. All day primitive brain is looking to make this second of time more tolerable for us to avoid all the discomfort that it possibly can. And we get to learn how to pay attention and engage our prefrontal cortex to choose what we are going to do and not allow primitive brain to run our lives. 

16:10 

Now some things we have done for so long that we don't get much, if any, pushback at all. For example, no matter how tired I am at night, if I mean, I'm usually in bed by like 10 o'clock. I will always floss and brush my teeth before I go to bed. Primitive brain knows that. And she's pretty quiet about that routine because she knows arguing is futile. Even when she does say, "oh, I'm just too tired tonight, I don't have to brush my teeth." I never listen to her then. I never negotiate with her about brushing my teeth because I've just decided it's what I do regardless. 

16:53 

So notice that my decision to clean my teeth at night is so strong and powerful that there is no negotiation. I don't even pay attention when I get some pushback from primitive brain about it. She might come in my head and say, "oh, I'm just too tired to clean my teeth." And I'm just like, "yeah, that's what I do anyway." And I just brush my teeth. I don't even negotiate. I don't even listen to that voice, but something brand new in our lives, like a new morning routine, we are going to get major pushback and I allow more negotiation when my decision commitment isn't super strong. 

17:31 

So, how do we get ourselves to move in the direction we want, and stop listening to the unhelpful chatter of our primitive brain, and how do we stop negotiating with her? Here are a few things that helped me. Several years ago, life coach Mel Robbins published a book called "The 5 Second Rule." The basic premise is that to help you take charge of your life, to do what your prefrontal cortex really wants to do, you give yourself a count down from five. Okay, so using the analogy we've been using the whole morning. So the alarm goes off, your primitive brain kicks in with a reason why you should stay in bed. "Oh, it's just so comfy cozy and I'm so tired." And you just say "five, four, three, two, one," and you get up. Basically, you just stop negotiating with your primitive brain. And the five, four, three, two, one, get your brain on the place that says, "oh, I'm going in five, I'm going in four, I'm going in three," right? You just give yourself a count down to start, when am I going to move? And then without commentary, without discussion, without negotiation, you do what you had planned to do. 

18:45 

I think the reason that this is so powerful is because it completely shuts down the negotiation. Primitive brain can say what she wants, but we don't get into it with her. We just go into action. And once we're in action, primitive brain just says, "oh, okay, then what's the next pain point to protect me from?" Right? It's going to stop arguing with us about getting out of bed because we're already out of bed. So if we can just get out of bed, we're already started. When we need or when we take away the negotiation, what we're really doing is acknowledging that, listen, I already made a strong decision and I don't need to remake the same decision. Last night, you made the decision when you set the alarm. There is no need to expend energy remaking a decision that's already been made. Negotiating is not honoring the past you that made the decision to set the alarm and do something different this morning. 

19:47 

And we just have to know that when the moment to engage the decision comes, it always sounds good to make a decision when we're, you know, 10 days out or 10 hours out, right? It always sounds really good, but when the moment comes to move on that decision, primitive brain will have a lot to say about it. Of course she will. That is what she does. No need to be surprised or shocked about it. She will just push back on you, but you don't even really have to acknowledge what she's telling you. I promise she's not going to get offended and she's not going to be angry with you. She doesn't have that capacity. Driving past the fast food place on your way home and your primitive brain suggests you stop because it would be so much easier than making dinner. Just keep driving. Don't negotiate. Stopping in your brain to consider if it's a viable option, "should I stop? Is that food good?" Like all that stuff. Just stop considering. Don't negotiate. Just keep driving. 

20:55 

Primitive brain suggests that you open your social media account before you get started on your work project. Don't get into it with her. Just do what you said you were going to do. Count to five if needed and then sit down in your chair, open your program. Don't negotiate. Just do. Our ability to do what we really want to do, what our prefrontal cortex has planned, is really the key to creating the life we want. What gets in the way of this primitive brain, I guess let me restate that. What gets in the way is that our primitive brain thinks it has something helpful to add every second of every day. And yes, sometimes  she's very helpful, but when it comes to changing routines for something we want to do more. Doing things that are a little intimidating or scary or engaging in something that is outside of our comfort zone. Primitive brain is not helpful at all because she will try to talk us out of it every single time, no exceptions. 

22:02 

And when we can anticipate that she's going to do that, we can be more prepared. What if you just plan that every single morning when your alarm goes off, that primitive brain will try and talk you out of getting up? Of course, she's going to do that. That's what she was created to do. And I'm not going to listen to her. I'm not going to negotiate with her. I'm not going to choose to listen to her. Create enough awareness to choose not to negotiate. Just know your primitive brain will act up and speak out. Anticipate it. And then when she does it, stop being shocked and surprised and enticed by the same old argument about how skipping a day won't hurt and you can do it later. And just move on with what you already decided to do. 

22:53 

Have you wanted to take a specific online course and haven't signed up yet? I'm sure you can quote verbatim what primitive brain tells you about it. You've probably been listening to her for so long and negotiating with her. So quit listening and negotiating and just do what you said you were going to do. Go to your computer right now, get on the website, sign up, and you can be done in five minutes. 

23:21 

So here's another helpful trick. Give your primitive brain a name. Now any name will do. And then when you notice your primitive brain pushing back, you can talk to her. "Oh, not today, Betty. That's not so helpful." Betty can see what you're doing there. "Betty, but I'm not, I'm going to do it a different way today. Betty it is way too early in the morning to start with this," right? Let's just talk back to your primitive brain. This is a really great way to increase your awareness around thoughts occurring from your primitive brain and seeing them for what they are, which is often nonsense. 

24:00 

Here's the deal. You are literally one decision away from creating something different in your life because what you're going to do is start changing the trajectory and the way you speak to yourself and how you feel about yourself. Okay. So let's go back to the early morning, new morning routine scenario. The alarm goes off. You count down from five. You say, "not today, Betty, we're getting up, and you get up and you are exercising how and when you planned. Brilliant. Now, if you are intentional about your thinking, consciously aware of your thinking, here is where you can make some significant headway rather than just thinking, "oh, so glad that exercise is done." When you finish, instead tap into what you're creating with following through. Intentionally celebrate this win. "Look at me doing what I planned. I'm a freaking rock star," right? Celebrate your wins. Let your brain know that this is the direction you want to head in your life and tap into the increased self respect and trust available to you because you did what you said you were going to do. 

25:19 

If you show up day after day to pick up a friend for an early morning run and they don't show, you may still love them, but it doesn't take long before you don't trust that they will be there and you stop showing up for them. The exact same principle applies to you. If you stand yourself up day after day after day on something that you said you were going to do, it won't take long before you don't trust you either. Whether that be eating differently, whether that be exercising differently, whether that be using your social media differently, whatever it is. 

26:04 

But when you do show up for yourself, doing what you promised yourself you were going to do, you are learning, you're training yourself to know that you can trust yourself. And I want you to intentionally acknowledge what you are doing. "Wow, look at me keeping promises to myself. I can trust myself to say what I'm going to do. I'm amazing. Look at me." Now this may feel hokey and weird to you at first, but how you talk to yourself in your head or even out loud is so important. You are capitalizing on your awesome behaviors. You are building trust with yourself. You are strengthening your sense of self and you are acknowledging it to yourself. Talk to yourself in positive and supportive ways, especially when you show up for yourself and it will make a difference. 

27:01 

And when you do end up negotiating and don't follow through with what you previously decided, like getting up at five and you get up at six instead, please don't beat yourself up. Come six a.m. when you get up, I want you to slow down your  thinking and I want you to get curious. Why did you give primitive brain a space to have an opinion? What was going on that made negotiation seem like a viable option? How are you feeling with your final decision? Because maybe it was the best option to stay in bed for some reason. It's just important to identify your reason and decide if you like it and whether you really believe it or not or whether you're committed enough to your decision to get up at five. And what needs to shift for you to be more committed? 

27:54 

If you didn't love your ultimate decision to, in this case, stay in bed, then make a plan for tomorrow. What will you do when primitive brain shares her opinion tomorrow morning at five? For me, having a go-to thought is always a great way to get myself moving in the direction that I want. And I'll often think, "no, this is just what I do." I get up and exercise that often and then I move, right? And then that often shuts down the negotiation for me. This challenge will will often show up for me in preparing and even recording this podcast. It takes time and effort to be sure. And when I have it on my calendar for a certain time, it is 100% guaranteed that my primitive brain will have an opinion of something that I should do instead. Something that will be much less painful and require much less energy. 

28:50 

Now, I still succumb and negotiate with primitive brain sometimes, but I'm getting so much better at telling myself things like, "nope, it's time, let's just get started." Then sitting down, opening my document app and digging in. Once I'm started, it is so much easier to keep moving in the direction I've started. Another phrase I often tell my brain is, "oh, tomorrow Tanya will be so happy that the podcast is done for this week." 

29:20 

And though the bulk of the work is in the preparation, like once I get the podcast written, every single week when I'm ready to record, my brain will want to put it off and put it off and not start recording. It happened even just today. Now, sometimes I negotiate and I don't get it done that day. Sometimes I listen to my primitive brain and I go, "oh yeah, maybe I will go get some lunch first. You know, oh, I do need to go fold that laundry quick," right? Sometimes I negotiate, but I'm getting better and better at not. But again, I am getting better at just sitting down and starting again, the thought, "I'll be so glad to have this finished" helps to quiet primitive brain and get my butt in my chair and the recording app opened. 

30:10 

The thing about this one that fascinates me so much is that the recording part is the easy part of this. I've already done the hard part of doing all the prep. The recording is easy and still primitive brain wants to do anything but what's on my schedule. She would even rather do some cleaning in the house than record. And guess what? Recording is actually easier and I don't even like cleaning that much. So I'm starting to believe that primitive brain is just a temperamental three-year old that just wants to do anything that I don't want to do. It just wants to be in opposition to my prefrontal cortex and it's willing to argue and throw a fit when it doesn't get what it wants. 

31:00 

Okay. Good to know. With that information, I can prep my brain for pushback and double down on my decision to not negotiate. It really just takes paying attention and catching your primitive brain negotiations rather than unconsciously going along with them. We have to pay attention to the chatter in our head. So what's something that you negotiate with your primitive brain on that you want to finally get done? What's your plan for that? We talked about several options of things you can do. Figure out your plan and implement it. And armed with this info, I'm hoping that you will see a shift in your decision energy. I decide and I do, rather than I decide and I don't do. I decide, I do. I decide, I don't do. That's energy zapping. When we talk about the luxurious life, this is part of it. The decision energy that comes with making a decision and executing it. It's amazing. You've got this. And being able to manage this part of your life is a brilliant part of growing up. 

32:24 

Okay, my friend, that's going to do it for me today. If you would like some personal help from me, figuring out this or figuring out how to live a more luxurious life, figure out these tough, tough relationships. Maybe you're struggling with figuring out if you want to get divorced or I'm in the middle of a divorce and I'm tired of showing up like a jerk or you're at the end of the divorce and you're like, "I just can't get my feet underneath me. I can't feel like I can heal." Or if you're in a place where you're like, "listen, I don't want to get divorced, but I don't know what to do with this relationship. It is so messy and miserable." This is what I do, my friends. I've got you. Go to tanyahale.com. You can hit the tab on the top that says "free consultation" and you can get on my calendar. Let's talk about your situation and let's talk about investing in coaching. 

33:21 

Tell you what, it is not an easy process. You're going to invest money and time and energy and it is capital W Work. I know I'm selling you on this really well, right? It is hard, hard, hard stuff and it will clean up your brain in a way that you didn't even know was possible. When I talk with clients that I've worked with and they finish the 12 or 24 weeks with me that many of them do, oftentimes the phrase that I hear is "this was a game changer." And listen, we can change things in your life in six or 12 weeks that you may have been struggling with for two or four or five years and we can fast track your cleaning this stuff up into 12 or 24 weeks as opposed to three or four or five years. And if you can be living a better life, more peaceful life, a life that is more in alignment with who you want to be. I promise you, it is worth every investment that you will make in time and money and energy to create what you really want, to be living a life that feels amazing. Hey, my friends, have an awesome, awesome day. I hope to see some of you on my calendar this next week. That's gonna do it for me. Hope you're having a fabulous summer and I will see you next time. Bye. 

34:58 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "Weekend Win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.