00:00 

Hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 364, "Relationship Neglect." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. So glad to have you here today. Before we jump in, just want to remind you that if you are interested in Talk with Tanya, the next one of those is going to be July 8th. It is at 2 o'clock Eastern, 12 o'clock Mountain. It's one hour. It is a free webinar where you can show up and we just talk whatever you want to talk. We can answer questions. We can do some coaching. We can dive deeper into a concept. If there's a podcast we've recently done that you want to ask questions about or dig deeper into, that's the kind of stuff. That's what this is about. Anything that you want to bring, we are happy to talk about and we have been having some great, great discussions there and would love to have you join us if that is an option. You can do that by going to tanyahale.com and you can go to the "group coaching" tab and there is an option there. 

01:13 

And also, if you are not signed up for my "weekend win," which is just an email that comes out most weekends, it's just something meant to me read in two minutes or less, a little nugget of life coaching content that you can go, "huh, hadn't thought about that one before." That's what that is about. So all that can be found at tanyahale.com. Let's go ahead and jump in to today's podcast. I'm really looking forward to sharing this content with you. I think that the basics of what we're going to talk about can be so helpful in helping us to start to change the trajectory of a difficult relationship. 

01:53 

So many of us are in relationships that feel shallow and unfulfilling and we want more intimacy. And yet, we find that it feels impossible to step into or impossible to figure out. We don't know how to overcome our fears of failure and rejection and to step into the vulnerability necessary to create a deeper connection. And over the years, our fears and our pains have caused us to go into protective mode where we have intuitively pulled back emotionally, and even physically, in an attempt not to get hurt, to not be at risk of pain from rejection. And we have settled for a life of disconnected safety. And although it is disguised as safety, what we find over time, however, is that the pain on the other end of the spectrum, instead of the pain of rejection, we experience the pain of isolation. 

02:49 

Instead of the discomfort of vulnerability, we have the discomfort of loneliness. We are disconnected from the person that we love the most, or at least that we used to love the most at one time. And we have a lot of fear over what the future will bring with regards to this relationship. It can be so easy to neglect our most valued relationships. And it may start off with protection when the other person seems distracted and disengaged from us, when we possibly were working long hours to get established in our jobs or establish ourselves financially. Or maybe the neglect and disconnect started when we had that first child and we were exhausted and touched out and stressed out and out of money. 

03:40 

In this place, we are hustling to just have what feels like a normal life. Just getting in the shower can feel like a feat, not to mention finding time to be with your spouse when you are coherent and have enough energy to have a decent conversation. Those are just exhausting years. And if we just keep adding children and adding responsibilities and all of that, it doesn't naturally swing back to a better relationship. In fact, it just keeps getting farther and farther away. And I remember being told that my most important calling in life was that of a mother. And I believed it and I took it very seriously. 

04:26 

And I'll tell you what, I don't believe anymore that this was wise counsel. Is being a mother important? Absolutely it is. It is a very important job. But my most important relationship is the one that I have with my spouse. But like many other women, I invested heavily in the health and the wellbeing of my children while often neglecting my spouse. I thought that I was following wise counsel, but come to find out it was actually destructive in my situation and I find that it's very destructive in many other women's situations as well. 

05:05 

Our marriage relationship can be a very easy relationship to neglect, right? Our primitive brain likes to focus on putting out fires and so many other things can feel as though they are far more important and we let them take priority over our relationship. We put off taking the time to talk with each other in an intimate way and about intimate things and instead we end up just talking about the kids, talking about work, about things that need to get done without taking the time to connect in a more intimate and personal way. We forget to talk about thoughts and ideas, about the hows and the whys of our engagement at work rather than just the what. We slowly, step by step, back out of the intimacy that we used to have until it seems we are just looking at each other wearily from across the room, both of us waiting for the other person to make the first move, and unsure that we can trust that person anymore with our thoughts and feelings and vulnerabilities. 

06:13 

It can be so easy to step out of the vulnerability that at one time created the closeness and the intimacy that trumped all other relationships. Remember we used to stay up all night talking about our hopes and fears and dreams. We couldn't get enough of each other and just wanted to understand everything about what made the other person tick. But then life got busy, we slowly backed away, we started neglecting our relationship just bits at a time. And before we know it, it can feel like we are so distant and it can feel impossible to re-engage at the level that we used to. 

06:56 

Maybe at first we were just so tired that we just wanted to sleep. Then we might start feeling stressed with the lack of sleep, or children, or finances, and we let that stress turn into irritations and snippy comments. Or maybe we're even just too tired and so we actually just ignore them and dismiss them and hope that they'll go away. We may find ourselves sneaking into bed early so that we'll be asleep by the time they show up. Or maybe we're the ones who are keeping ourselves busy and distracted and hoping that they will be asleep by the time we get there. Maybe one of you wants to go for a walk or invites the other to run an errand and the other is just too busy or not interested or too tired. In very small ways, we begin to neglect our relationship, forgetting that it takes a lot of intentional effort to stay engaged with each other, to stay deeply emotionally connected. to continue to trust the other person. 

07:57 

As humans, we are wired for connection and when we don't have that, especially when we are in a relationship where it is anticipated that we will have it, we start to feel very lonely and isolated. I remember feeling so lonely in my previous marriage, especially in the same house, but there was so little emotional connection, if any at all, and that lack of connection created great loneliness in me. More loneliness than I had ever felt in my entire life before or even after the divorce when I was living alone. I did not feel that lonely. I know that many of you recognize this pattern of living what is sometimes called "parallel lives." We're being roommates and nothing more. We're sharing a home and a bed, but not a life. When we are with people but not connected to them, it is an incredibly lonely experience. 

09:08 

And there is a connection between this lack of emotional connection and decreased mood, increased risk of depression and other negative mental health outcomes. Strong emotional connections keep us mentally healthy. They are important for our emotional well-being. And when we neglect our most important relationships, when we get distanced from these people, it will directly and negatively impact our mental health. I'm going to put an article in the show notes, if you want to look into a little bit more of these kinds of concepts. 

09:47 

I don't think that any of us set out to neglect our relationships on purpose. As mentioned earlier, I believe it usually occurs when we just get busy and tired and stressed and distracted, and we set our relationship aside for a bit. Not intentionally, but we just have so much going on. And then it can just feel so awkward to pick it back up again, to step into vulnerability where there hasn't been some for quite a while. Strange, isn't it? That we can feel so close and vulnerable to someone, and within a very short time of not engaging at that same level, we can lose the ease of stepping back into it, of having those beautiful, deep conversations. But that's how it works, for whatever reason. 

10:37 

So, if you want more from your relationship, how do you regain the emotional connection? You have to have enough courage to step back into the vulnerability that created it in the first place. You have to prioritize your engagement with the other person in a way that lets them know that you want them in your life, that you desire closeness with them, that they are important to you. I know that just saying that makes some of you feel all itchy and uncomfortable, right? Because it is always risky to be the first one to make a move toward vulnerability and intimacy. What if they don't respond favorably? What if they dismiss you or outright reject you? Well, guess what? They might. There are never any guarantees when another person is involved because they get to behave how they want. But if you want a more connected relationship, you have to stop neglecting your relationship and start prioritizing it. 

11:45 

And how do you go about doing that? The first thing as always, we have to get our mind in the right place about it. It is important that we clean up our reasons, our why behind what we're going to do. If we're just going through the motions because we feel like we're supposed to, it is never going to work. If your spouse is engaging from a place of protection, it is likely they won't respond the first, second, or even the third time that you seek to engage better. It just takes time. 

12:22 

I know I've shared this analogy before, but I'm going to share it again because it works so well here. I want you to imagine that you rescue a dog from a facility, a dog who has been abused for so long, maybe even their whole life. You're going to bring that dog into your home. You're going to put it in the sunniest corner of your home. You're going to have a nice plush pillow for it. You're going to speak kindly to it. You're going to have plenty of food and water and plush toys and lovely things for this dog. You're going to give this dog everything. 

12:54 

And the first time you go up and try to pet that dog on the head, it may growl at you. It may snap at you. It might even try and bite you or it may cower in the corner because that dog is engaging from a place of protection. It is scared. It is terrified. It doesn't know what to expect. It is trying to protect itself. But with a dog, we wouldn't say, "oh, dog, you're a horrible dog. You're a mean dog. Go away, dog." Right.?We wouldn't just take it back to the to the where we get these dogs from. Right? We would we would go, "oh, sweet baby. You're so scared. That's OK." And we would continue to speak softly to it. And we would continue to engage in beautiful ways with it. And we would continue to try and reach out and give it space to feel safe again. 

13:49 

And then eventually. It might take a week or two weeks. That dog will let us put our hand on its head. And eventually that dog will let us put our hand on the side of its face. And eventually that dog will come off the pillow and maybe follow us or put its head on our lap or something, right? But it takes time. It takes time to build the trust necessary when this dog has been in a negative situation for a long time. 

14:19 

And this is what it's like with our spouses. If we have had negative, neglectful behaviors for a very long time, it's very likely that both of you are living in this protection mode. You're both like the rescued dog. And it's going to take a while to trust. So if you are the one reaching out to your spouse, trying to change behaviors. And if you are the one reaching out to your spouse, trying to change behaviors, you just have to know that the first, the second, the third time you seek to engage better, it's not like they're going to go, "oh my gosh, she's now lovely and kind and treating me well. I'm going to let down all my defenses and jump wholeheartedly into this relationship." That just is not how it works. It is going to take time. 

15:13 

And you have to be doing it genuinely for yourself. You have to be showing up this way because it's the kind of spouse that you want to be. You can't be showing up trying to manipulate their behaviors. And if you are just going through the motions, it will be really hard to sustain good behavior, to continue to show up loving and kind and compassionate. When you are clear on your why, because really you love this person and you want to re-engage, you want to be in a loving, a loving and a caring partner. You want to love this person like they've never been loved before. Then even if they take a long time to respond, you are showing up for you because it's the person that you want to be. You're not showing up to change their behavior, to control their engagement or to manipulate their response. You're showing up because that is the person that you want to be in this relationship. 

16:15 

I found it fascinating when I recently listened to Mel Robbins' book called "Let Them." She talks about the fact that when I change a behavior for my reasons, not trying to poke the other person with my behavior to get them to change, but just changing because I want to, it will take three to six months for the other person to begin to respond to those changes in my behavior. Three to six months to build back the trust. Three to six months of me consistently showing up before they go, "oh, this behavior is sticking. This is new. Maybe I can trust this." Okay? Three to six months, but guess what? It also may never happen. 

17:06 

And let's say you do this for six months. If they continue to show up disengaged with no interest in having a deeper connection, maybe you'll eventually get enough data to make a different relationship decision. But for now, you get to keep showing up the way that you want to. You get to love the way you're showing up, to create a safe space for your person. And you get to give them the consistency and the time to trust you again. 

17:36 

Once you've got your brain in the game in a productive way, okay, here are four simple, albeit vulnerable. and scary things that you can intentionally do to prioritize your relationship and stop neglecting it. 

17:51 

First, choose to express more gratitude. Gratitude positively impacts both the giver and the receiver. Studies show that both people feel happier and less depressed and that it increases relationship quality and overall well-being. In fact, one study showed that partners who expressed their gratitude for each other had greater trust and loyalty and had happier relationships. Personally, I just don't think you can say "thank you" enough to your partner. I feel like that is one of the best things to say "I see you. I acknowledge you. I accept what you are offering in the relationship circle." 

18:41 

There's been a clever Instagram reel going around where a man in his car pulls up to a woman on the street and you're thinking she might be a prostitute. But as he leans out the window, what he asks for is some gratitude for working so hard for the family. And so she says, "okay, it's like a hundred bucks." And he's like, "okay, I'll do it." And she says, "you know what? Thank you for all the hard work you do for our family. I really appreciate you." And this man breaks down in tears and he happily hands over the hundred dollars. I think it's a sad commentary about how starved we can be in our relationships to be appreciated for the efforts we put forth of how desperately we want to be seen that a little video like that will go viral, especially when something as simple as expressing gratitude, seeing and acknowledging the other person can help and heal and create such a safe space for this person that we chose to love. 

19:44 

What's started out in our relationships with us feeling so much gratitude for what the other person was offering in our lives can so easily move into an expectation that they will perform the behaviors. And this is when we begin to neglect our partner and to stop seeing and expressing gratitude for their efforts. And over time, that expectation will turn into a demand, a place where we don't just feel disappointed if they don't do it, but we will actually get angry if they don't perform in the prescribed way. And this happens with both men and women. It's just such an easy human place to go. We have to really keep it on the forefront of our minds if we are to combat neglecting our relationships in this way. 

20:35 

Expressing gratitude is a powerful way to keep from moving into expectation with disappointment and demand with anger. So, express gratitude often. When your brain sees something your person is doing or thinks about something your person is doing that blesses your life or the life of others, stop and acknowledge it immediately if you can. If they're not there in the room, send a text or even a voice message to let them know what you're seeing and that you appreciate it and that you appreciate them. 

21:12 

I'll tell you what, I don't care how many times people tell me thank you for these podcasts, it always feels good. Now, I would do these podcasts even if I didn't get words of gratitude because I'm doing them for reasons other than validation from other people. I'm doing them because I love putting this content out there because I feel called to do this because I know that this changes lives. But gosh darn it, it feels good to be acknowledged for the hours of work I put into these and for the effort and mental capacity that I put forth to create these. It still feels good to get a thank you, even though I validate myself on this. 

22:01 

This goes back to podcast number 289 called "Why Our Relationships Need Validation," and if you have not listened to this one, it is one of my favorites and it will be in the show notes, so make some time to check it out if you haven't or if you want a refresher. In this podcast, I talk about how we all need to be providing our own validation in our own circles. Remember the relationship circle? Those podcasts will be down there as well. But when we step into the relationship circle, we choose to validate each other with things like gratitude because we want to let the other person know that we see them, that we acknowledge their presence and their efforts in the relationship circle. They are important to us. Expressing gratitude multiple times a day will do amazing things for you, for your partner, and for your relationship. This is one of the best ways you can prioritize you two as a couple and create a safe space. 

23:05 

If you are not in the habit of expressing gratitude regularly, I'll tell you what, it will feel uncomfortable, it will feel awkward, and guess what? That's okay. Because every time we engage in a new skill and expressing gratitude is absolutely a skill, it will feel uncomfortable and awkward. Do it anyway. I promise it will make a difference if only in you. And it will become more and more comfortable the more often that you do it. 

23:39 

Okay, so the second of four things. Start engaging in non-sexual physical contact. Touch their arm or their hand when you express the aforementioned gratitude. Reach over and grab their hand when you're sitting on the sofa. In fact, sit on the same sofa close to them rather than on the other side of the room or the other end of the sofa. When driving in the car, reach over and rub the back of their neck or their shoulder, stroke their hair, or gently touch their elbow to get their attention. Rub your hand across their back when you're walking past them. When they come home, stop what you're doing and give them a hug or a kiss. John Gottman and others suggest a six second kiss at all of these crossroads and a 20 to 30 second hug when you come and go. There are so many ways to touch non-sexually. I want you to imagine expressing gratitude to your partner for something they've done while holding their face in your hands and looking them in the eyes. It is so powerful. Intentionally choose to touch them, to be in their space and to welcome them into yours. This is not sexual touch. This is just physical touch. 

24:59 

And this example I just gave you touches on the third item, which is eye contact. Part of neglecting our spouse is avoiding looking at them in the eyes. It's avoiding really seeing them. Start looking them in the eyes again. When they are sharing something with you, no matter how trivial it may seem to you, stop and look at them in the eyes. Engaging with eye contact can feel very intimate and it is. And it's a valuable part of reestablishing the connection that we crave with this person. Eye contact says, "I'm listening. I'm paying attention. You're important to me. I am prioritizing you over whatever else may be going on right now." So turn off the TV, the phone, the stove, the podcast, and give your spouse your attention. 

25:53 

When they want to talk with you in bed, don't make them talk to the back of your head. Turn over, grab their hand, look them in the eye, put your hand on their shoulder, whatever. Focus on what they're saying. Really listen. When you make eye contact, it is so much easier to really hear what's being said. And it screams prioritization. And that always feels good. 

26:23 

Fourth and last, we're going to move past the whats in our conversations and into the whys and the hows. So let me explain this. Asking what happened at work today is a great place to start a conversation, but it's just that. It's a start. It keeps things at a surface level and doesn't require much of any vulnerability. Many of us start and stop with what happened at work today. And then that's the end. But if your spouse replies that, "oh, so-and-so quit today and for such-and-such a reason, "we can go, "oh, huh, interesting." Or we can dig a little bit deeper and we can really seek to understand our spouse's experience with that. We want to ask follow-up questions that will allow them to respond beyond the basic facts and into how it will impact their work and maybe them specifically. 

27:15 

For example, we might ask, "oh, how's that going to affect what's going on with this project that you're working on?" Or maybe "how will that affect you and the work that you do?" We're focused on getting more information because we want to understand them. We want to see them. We want to know what's going on inside of them. But notice that neither of those questions are too deep, right? This, you know, "how's that going to affect your project? How's that going to affect the work you do?" But they are showing interest in our spouse's work. 

27:50 

And then we might follow up with something a little deeper. "What are your thoughts about it?" Or if it was someone they worked closely with them, "we might even want to ask, how do you feel about it? I know you two work really closely together." These questions offer an opportunity to share more intimately and vulnerably. Genuinely asking follow-up questions because we want to understand them and their experience is one way that we can prioritize them. We are letting them know that we are interested not only in what's happening around them, but also in how it's affecting them and what they think or feel about it. 

28:29 

And as we've talked about so many times here, let them have their experience. Listen to what they have to say, validate their thoughts and feelings, restate when appropriate, and get curious and ask more questions. Remember the podcast a few weeks ago about how to be more understanding? That's what we're talking about here. And I want you to be careful not to go into judgment or start offering advice or commentary. Really showing an interest in what they're experiencing and why and how it's impacting them is such a valuable way to let the other person know that you care about them, that they are worth your time and attention. Two things that we aren't often liberal with when we're in relationship neglect mode. So go ahead and start with the what, but be sure to move forward into understanding the whys and the hows also. 

29:27 

When you are really honestly interested in what's happening in your spouse's world and they can sense that you really care about them in their life, you asking questions is not going to come across as grilling them. Instead, it will help them feel loved and cared for. It will help them feel like you really want to understand what's going on for them. 

29:51 

Listen, this is the person you chose. This is the person that at one time you wanted to be connected to forever. Reconnect with that version of you and with that version of them. Think about what an interaction would be like if you combined all four of these tools at once. This would entail something like holding their hands, looking into their eyes, and having a conversation that involves asking meaningful questions and expressing gratitude for them. Maybe they tell you about something difficult they're doing at work and you let them know how grateful you are for the efforts they expend in supporting your family the way they do. Maybe they share an aha or an insight that they gain from listening to a podcast or some self-reflection about it and you let them know how grateful you are to be married with them and how thankful you are to be married with someone who always puts forth effort to grow and progress. 

30:51 

Our behaviors in long-term relationships can often be like water, always seeking the lowest place where it can settle. Remember that our primitive brain wants to avoid pain, seek pleasure, and conserve energy, and often this is combined in behaviors that don't engage our spouse in difficult conversations or don't require difficult conversations or vulnerability. More often than not, it slides us into neglectful behaviors. And yet to have the connected emotionally intimate relationships that many of us want, we cannot be like water. We need to be willing to expand energy and effort, time, and money if necessary. We need to be willing to be able to manage the stories that our brains create, to assume the best intent of our partner, to respond instead of reacting, and to be open and honest even when it feels scary. 

31:49 

This reminds me of what I often call the easy-hard, hard-easy concept. Neglect is easy now but creates a much more difficult relationship later on. A deep connected relationship is difficult now, it's hard now, but it creates a much easier relationship later on. If it's easy upfront, it's going to be hard later on. If it's hard upfront, it's going to be easy later on. So choose to engage, choose to see your person, choose to accept and acknowledge them. Yes, it takes effort and energy and time. But managing a difficult relationship takes so much more effort and energy and time. While having a beautiful connected relationship creates energy, a difficult relationship drains energy. A connected relationship fills your cup. It helps you get to the place of overflow. Connected relationships are absolutely part of a luxurious life. 

32:58 

Now, for some of you, I know that you are just...your skin is crawling. I know that. I know you're a bit freaked out at the thought of engaging in your disconnected relationships this way. You feel emotionally naked and vulnerable and terrified. And that's okay. That is the process of creating the depth of connection you're seeking for. Yes, you will be scared. Yes, it might be so difficult for some of you. 

33:27 

And if you want this relationship, this is what is required. So courage up, lean in, figure this out. I know you can do it. And if you just don't know where to start and you need some support and some coaching along the way to your more connected relationship, let's work together to help you create what you are aching for. Most of you in neglected relationships, you can recover. We just have to create the safety. We have to create a space where our person knows that they are wanted, that they are seen, that they are loved. And these are ways that we can do that. 

34:19 

If you want to talk about working with me to get you in a place that's going to be amazing, you can go to tanyahale.com. go to the "contact me" tab at the top and you can get on my calendar. And I will tell you, I work with people who are trying to decide if they want to get divorced, people in the middle of divorce, I work with people after divorce who are trying to heal and establish better and healthier relationships. I work with people who call me and they're like, "listen, I don't want to get divorced, but this relationship, ugh, it is so hard." These are my people. This is the kind of work that I love doing. And I feel so honored to be part of your journey. 

35:03 

I work with individuals whose partners are not interested in doing this work. And I work with couples where both of you are saying, "listen, we want to figure this out." This is tough Work, capital W Work. I know we've talked about this, but it is work worth doing. I promise you. So the difference that coaching has created in my life is mind-boggling to me. And as I work with clients and see the difference that this relationship makes in their lives, or the difference that this work makes in their relationship and in their lives is equally mind-boggling to me. 

35:49 

This stuff works, I promise you. And it is work. It's gonna be the hardest work you're ever gonna do. But it's so worth it. I know it is. Okay, that's gonna do it for me, my friends. Have an awesome, awesome week. Let's stop neglecting and start prioritizing our relationships. I know you can do it. Okay, talk to you next week, bye. 

36:17 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!