00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 359, "10 Ways to Be a Safer Spouse." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth. Because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams, we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. Tanya here. So glad to have you and glad to be able to share with you some content that I've been preparing for you. Before we jump in I have a couple of things. My next round of classes are going to start May 20th. So that's not too far from now. And they're going to be summer and I'm not having topic classes. I'm going to be doing some open coaching sessions. So classes will be limited to eight people apiece. They're going to last for 12 sessions over the summer. I have one week in there that I will not be available to coach. So it's going to be a total of 13 weeks, but only 12 sessions in there. They're going to be Tuesday afternoons and Tuesday nights. So this is just...we come to a coaching session. If you want to get coached that night, you just raise your hand and we'll coach you. We'll have time to go through three or four coaching sessions in the time of the class period when you're getting coached. It's a wonderful experience, very brilliant. When you are watching other people get coached, it's just as brilliant because you see things from an outsider's perspective that you don't see when it's your own situation. So I think that those are going to be really, really fabulous. 

01:35 

So you can go to my website, you can go to the "group coaching" tab and you should be able to find those classes, those open coaching classes available to sign up for. And they are limited to eight people each. So there's going to be a total of 16 people that will be able to do these coaching over the summer. Everything will be recorded. So if you have a class or two that you can't come to, you will still be able to listen in on the conversation and engage that way. 

02:04 

So the other thing, next talk with Tonya is May 13th. You want to get signed up for that same place, the "group coaching" tab on my website. Also, I'm going to be sending out an email that is going to ask for questions and answers. I want to do some episodes where I'm answering some questions that y'all have. So make sure that you are signed up for my weekend email called the "weekend win." Just going to my website, that will be a pop up that comes. And also last, at the end of the podcast, I have started creating a list of podcasts that you can listen to that will expound on the concepts that we've been talking about. So if you want to learn a little bit more about the topic, go to the show notes wherever you're listening to your podcast and check those out and find out some more information about what we're talking about. You can continue to learn. 

02:58 

So jumping into today, we are talking about 10 ways to be a safer spouse. So being able to create safety in our relationships is so foundational to being able to feel connected and being vulnerable in our relationships. And I found from my own personal experience that creating a safe space is something that my primitive brain just doesn't know how to do. So when I let her be in charge of how I show up, I don't create safety for other people at all. Primitive brain is all about protection. And protection often means that I don't have the ability to see things from other people's perspectives, that I don't show up honest, that I'm selfish with my time and energy, that I avoid difficult conversations. And I always do what feels easiest for me rather than what's best for the relationship. And for me, that space has me engaging in being controlling, manipulative, self-righteous, passive aggressive. I might even engage in some gaslighting and some dishonesty when my primitive brain is in protective mode. This is not a great recipe for creating a safe space for others to engage vulnerably and honorably, honestly with us. 

04:16 

Now let's be real here. All of us are going to engage in bad behavior occasionally. That's just part of being a human. Those are the types of situations where we become aware and then are quick to acknowledge and then circle back around with an  apology and a solution for cleaning up our mess. Those one-off occasional situations aren't usually where the unsafe relationships are created. More so it's when we have repeated offenses that we either don't clean up at all because we refuse to acknowledge our bad behavior even when it's brought to our attention or we get defensive and don't seek to understand the other person's point of view or even if we acknowledge what's happening we don't make any effort besides a quick and thoughtless apology to change our thinking and behavior. 

05:08 

So to feel safe in a relationship it is important that there be a level of trust with the other person and if one or both people continually show up with the same bad behavior without acknowledgement and efforts to improve it is hard to feel trust. So today I want to share with you 10 ways that you can show up better in your relationship so you can build the trust necessary to create a safe place for the people in your life. Also be aware that there may be some relationships in your life that you have the ability and the capacity to be very safe and other relationships where you struggle with safety. This is totally normal because each relationship has its unique blend of patterns of thinking and behavior. So while we go through these items maybe start with a relationship you feel is struggling to be safe; I'm going to be talking today about being a safer spouse, although these concepts are going to apply to most of your relationships, but start with a relationship where you're struggling to be safe and see what you can see here to clean up. 

06:17 

Now I know it will be super easy to look at your spouse or your adult child and point the finger at them with the things that we're going to talk about that they're not doing and that they're the one causing the problem, but I'm telling you that's not helpful and it's not helpful because we can't control anything that they do. We can only control how we show up, and when we start cleaning up how we treat them it's always amazing to me how often the other person now has the capacity to show up better. Not always but often. And we're not making these changes and engaging in this way in order to control our our spouse's behavior or to make them behave a certain way. That has nothing to do with it. We work on cleaning up our own crap and showing up better because it's in alignment with our own values with the person that we really want to be. 

07:16 

So you can clean up your stuff and you can show up super safe and the other person may still choose not to engage in vulnerable and connecting ways. Maybe the trust has been gone so long that they need continued exposure for an extended amount of time to begin to believe that the changes we are implementing are here to stay. Recently I read that it takes three to six months for someone else to make a shift in response to our changed behavior. Now I know that that can feel like forever if your purpose for change is to manipulate the other person to change, but it doesn't feel like forever if your purpose for change is to live in greater alignment with your values and with the person that you really want to be. In the show notes I'm going to have some additional podcasts you can listen to that will teach you more about these concepts so check those out if you're feeling the need for a deeper understanding at the end of the podcast. 

08:14 

So let's get started. Number one: be honest, be trustworthy, and keep your promises. Learn to recognize when you are not being honest with your wants and needs, when you are not doing what you say you're going to do, when you are not saying what is true for you. We can have so many patterns of dishonesty based on societal conditioning that we are supposed to keep the peace and not allow contention. We've been taught that we need to make sure everyone else feels comfortable, even at our own expense. And this is a level of dishonesty that we often don't recognize is actually going on. We've engaged in these behaviors for so long that we don't even see them. And if this is you, ask the other person in your struggling relationship for insight into how you're not trustworthy, how you're not being honest or how you're not keeping your promises or showing up with wants and needs. It's entirely possible that you have engaged in these behaviors for so long that you don't even see them. And if you are a perfectionist or a people pleaser, it's entirely possible that you are not being honest and trustworthy. So if you identify and sometimes call yourself a perfectionist or a people pleaser, just know you're probably not being honest. And you may not be trustworthy in many situations. Make sure that your actions align with your words in other areas besides your relationship, dishonest and untrusty untrustworthy behavior in any arena of your life will bleed into your relationship. 

09:53 

And if you aren't trustworthy and honest with someone and your spouse sees it, there will always be questions about whether you are trustworthy and honest with them. The behavior you say you value needs to align with how you behave as much as possible. If you say you respect someone, don't be gossiping to your spouse about them. Don't talk about how much you dislike a certain person and then go to their party and sweet talk them. Learn to show up honest in every situation. When your actions don't align with your words, there will always be elements of distrust around you with others, like your spouse who sees that behavior. 

10:37 

And do not let your people-pleasing tendencies sabotage your relationship. Keep your promises, large and small. When you say you're going to do something, do it. If your person sees you not doing this with others, there will always be a seed of questioning whether or not you are doing it with them. So be the person you profess to be. Of course you're human. So when you fall short and you're not that person, own up to it quickly and honestly. Circle back around, be genuine, be honest, be vulnerable. Be a person who is in, who is constant in your quest for being honest and open and vulnerable. The constancy, not the perfect execution, is how you build this trust. Okay. 

11:30 

Number two way to be a safer spouse: clean up areas where you might threaten others mentally, emotionally, or physically. So this is about learning what passive aggressive behavior sounds like and looks like and doing everything you can to clean this out of your behaviors. It's about understanding what gaslighting is and calling yourself out when you do it. It's about being loyal to this person, creating a space where they don't feel their intelligence is being attacked or dismissed. It's about emotionally being genuine and supportive of the other person and about them never ever feeling threatened physically. We need to create a safe space of loyalty in this relationship, a place where they know they are prioritized and protected by us, protected by us mentally, emotionally and physically. We have to become the safe space in that way. 

12:31 

Number three: make sure this person feels chosen, prioritized and considered, and that they 100% feel like they are your equal. It is so important in relationships that we learn to see the other person as just as important as us, not more so and not less so. Yes, what you are doing is important, and you get to have your wants and needs. And the other person in the relationship needs to know that you consider them your equal, that what they want and need is also valuable and will be considered. Both of your wants and needs matter. When the other person feels and knows that you aren't with them by default, but rather that you are intentionally and purposefully choosing them, that creates safety. When they know that they are a priority for you, that creates safety. 

13:33 

Now, this doesn't mean that you don't get to have your own wants and needs, but when we step into the relationship circle, we can commit to prioritize the relationship to consider what we want in the context of the relationship. Does that make sense? We have to prioritize this person and the relationship. We also prioritize things that are important for us, but always in the context of the relationship. You are not better than your spouse. You are also not less than your spouse. You are equals. Show up that way. 

14:17 

Four: show up for the other person in ways that are meaningful to them. It is so important that when the other person makes a request of us, that whenever possible, we seek to honor that request. Often people will say, "it just doesn't feel like me to do that." But that's not what being in relationship is about. It's about showing up for your person because you want to learn to love them better, because you want them to feel loved in every possible way. Because when they express something they want, they know they can trust you to take it seriously and prioritize them. So if your spouse says they really value date nights and that doesn't come naturally for you, figure out a way to prioritize it and show up in ways that speak love to them by making sure date nights happen and that you create the time for them. 

15:09 

Now, I'm not suggesting that you go against your morals or values or your goals or your dreams. But if what they are asking is doable, do it. Let them know that you value them enough to show up for them in ways that are important to them. Love them enough to do things that may not come naturally to you. This is an important way to let them know that they are safe with you. 

15:31 

Five: choose to resolve conflict. Don't just let things fester or disengage until the dust settles and then go on as though nothing happened. Engage with your partner, learn to communicate and figure it out. Tough conversations are never easy, but when we avoid figuring it out with our person, we are quietly letting them know that we don't value the relationship enough to have an uncomfortable discussion. Every time we walk away without resolving a conflict, we just add another  layer of frustration and resentment and we get deeper and deeper in disengagement. Conflict resolution skills can be super hard because it requires that we set aside our own egos. It requires that we choose to really understand the other person. It requires that we manage the freaked out, primitive brain that wants to attack, accuse, criticize and blame. 

16:34 

And all of this can be super hard, but it is vital if we are to understand one another and create a safe space. Both people in the relationship need to know that they can disagree, that they can talk about differences, that they can share opposing opinions and still be valued for who they are and accept it. If you don't know how to have tough conversations and resolve conflict, learn. There are so many books and podcasts and YouTube videos and everything else they're teaching you. You will never have a safe and deeply intimate relationship without amazing and great conflict resolution skills. 

17:21 

Okay. Number six: take accountability and ownership for your bad behaviors and clean them up. When confronted with something you do that your partner is struggling with, own it. Step into accountability. It can be so easy to get defensive, to want to accuse the other person of being too sensitive or having too high of expectations. It is so easy to make excuses and defend our position. And yet every time we jump right into these behaviors, we negate the other person's experience. We let them know that their viewpoint doesn't matter to us. We let them know that our behaviors and reasons behind our behaviors are more important than how our behaviors are impacting them. 

18:07 

When you become aware of your own bad behaviors, address them with your partner. Let them know you see them and that you are not okay with them. And then talk to them about what you're going to do to clean it up and enlist their help if appropriate to increase your awareness or get ideas about how to move forward. Own your stuff. Accountability and ownership and especially following through are super sexy and they're super safe. When we know the other person is working to be a better partner, that feels very safe. 

18:47 

Number seven: increase your awareness around your particular brand of manipulation, mind games, coercion, false pretenses, and clean them up. Few things feel more unsafe than feeling as though we're being played. When we are using subtle underhanded ways to get what we want at our spouse's expense, we are playing our partner. And a lot of this can be small and at the time seemingly insignificant. And yet anytime our spouse feels they are being backed into a corner or that we're using reverse psychology or making them think one thing when it's really something else. When they're feeling manipulated and used, we are breaking down safety. 

19:34 

It is so important that we learn to really be honest and stop telling our spouse that things are fine when they are in fact not fine. That we're okay when we are, in fact, not okay. It's so important that we stop pretending that we like things, that we stop playing hard to get, or giving the silent treatment. We have to learn to start being bluntly honest and kindly honest about what we want and what we're experiencing rather than being misleading, withholding information, blaming, giving the silent treatment, finding ways to quietly and subversively punish them. So see it, acknowledge it, address it. No relationship will feel safe and create the intimacy that we want with these types of quiet behaviors running in the background. 

20:32 

Number eight: choose to spend quality time together and prioritize intimacy. Now, I get it. We can have so much going on and it can be super easy to slide your spouse down on your priority list, but if we want them to feel safe, they have to be prioritized in every aspect of your relationship. Quality time does not mean money. It means opportunities, spending time together, enjoying each other's company, listening to each other, sharing hopes and dreams, being vulnerable. 

21:10 

You know, I love the times that Sione and I just go out for a walk in the evenings after dinner, just holding hands, walking for 30 minutes to 60 minutes, talking about all kinds of stuff. We were having a great talk the other day about what it means to really show up loving and what does it mean to see our ex-spouses as our equals? And how are we doing that? And how are we not doing that? And how can we be better at really showing up that way? We had such a great discussion and these are the kinds of things that create this intimacy and this safety, right? Sometimes we as people can't have been so busy and distracted from our relationships for so long that now it might feel uncomfortable or fake or even forced to spend time with them and do the work to feel connected. 

22:03 

I work with a lot of clients who come to me after 20 plus years of marriage who are like, "I just don't even know how to reconnect at this point because it feels so uncomfortable." They have not done it for so long, but investing the time and energy into creating opportunities to spend time together will pay dividends in your relationship. There are loads of apps that give you questions you can ask to help you get started. There are games you can play and activities you will both enjoy. One app that Sione and I enjoy using is Card Decks by John Gottman. Tons of questions that you can ask that sometimes when we're driving around and have 20 minutes and we don't have anything big on the table to chat about, we'll pull out one of those questions. And inevitably it brings up a great discussion topic where we can dig deeper into something enjoyable. 

22:55 

So for your spouse to feel safe with you, it is important that you communicate in word and indeed that you want them in your life. When any of us feel unimportant, dismissed, set aside, taken for granted, it feels horrible. You can't control how your spouse is showing up, but you absolutely get to treat them in a way that says "I love you and you and our relationship are important to me." And if you struggle with your sexual sense of self and a healthy, vibrant sex life is not part of your partnership, get to work on it, figure it out and start incorporating sexuality into your relationship. That is such an important part of the intimacy we are seeking to create. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are not two separate things. They are intricately connected. We have to have both. Okay. 

24:03 

Number nine: stay in your lane and do not violate their boundaries. Okay. Staying in your lanes means you don't pick up things that are theirs to fix. You don't seek to control things that are none of your business, controlling his relationship with his parents or with y'alls or his kids, not yours to be in charge of. How he chooses to fulfill his work or church or even home responsibilities, all his to take care of. And when he asks you to be in charge of something that is not yours to take on, politely declined. For example, say he's struggling with his relationship with one of your children and asks you to speak to her for him. Okay. None of your business; stay in your own lane. You may think that you are helping him with something that is uncomfortable, but saying 'no' in this instance, lets him know that you honor his agency and you believe in his ability to clean up his own messes. He might get a little bit frustrated at first, especially if he's used to you being in his lane and doing things for him. But in the long run, staying out of his lane, even when he invites you into it will be so valuable for creating safety. If your spouse has said they don't like something or that a certain behavior is not okay with them, choose to honor that. Honor their boundaries. 

25:33 

Now, to be clear, we're not talking about manipulative or controlling demands, but honoring their preferences lets them know you respect them as a human and it creates safety. And number 10, be consistent and respectful in your communication and implement helpful tools to communicate more honestly and clearly. I know that we've spent a lot of time on this podcast talking about owning your own, being honest in your communication, not having back burner issues, rocking the boat but not creating a tsunami, and circling back around. These tools communicate respect and kindness. They treat the other person as an equal and they create a safe space for your spouse to be vulnerable and open if they choose. 

26:19 

They also communicate that we are working to show up as an equal partner. We all have times when we spout off and say something we later or even immediately regret. Welcome to humanity. So circle back around, clean it up. Let your spouse know that you value them enough to confront your ego and that you're working to show up better in your relationship. Let them know you are aware of how you hurt them and apologize. We all do these things. Giving yourself and your spouse the space to be human, to make mistakes, and to circle back around and clean it up is so valuable. And learning how to be honest with your thoughts, opinions, wants, and desires is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. I know for me, I often don't even realize what I'm thinking or feeling underneath the social conditioning that I need to make sure that everybody else is comfortable, that everybody else is happy, that I don't put anybody else out by having wants and needs. 

27:27 

But a huge part of my personal work is creating awareness around where I'm not showing up as an equal by being honest about these things. And I'll tell you what, I am consistently working on this and sometimes I make headway and sometimes I just get stuck. The social conditioning is so strong for me. So I don't even see my dishonesty because it's not blatant dishonesty. It's not like I'm choosing to be dishonest. It's just that I'm so caught up in automated social conditioning behavior. Okay, I believe I can say that I'm as honest as I'm aware, but I'm working to increase my awareness. 

28:15 

So that's 10 great things and I want to share a bonus item before we end for the day. Sione and I actually have the first part of this quote that I'm going to share with you hanging in our bedroom and this concept is in alignment with what we've been talking about today. So it's from someone named Jung Pueblo and he says, "find a partner who can accept you as you are, but also inspires you to evolve because they take their own growth seriously. Love will not seek to change you, but it will embrace you so unconditionally that you will feel safe enough to heal the old and put effort into the new. The courage you both have to stay committed to the energy journey will reflect brightly on your relationship. All the good qualities that you develop as empowered individuals will help you calmly, compassionately, and creatively handle the challenges that you may face as a couple. Because you both know that growing is not easy. You will warmly support each other when one of you feels down and rejoice when victorious steps forward have been taken." 

29:28 

The best option is that both partners are joining in this work to step in and lean into the relationship. And I get that this isn't always an option because some people for reasons known to them are not willing to step into doing this work. But even if your spouse isn't joining you in this journey, you can make significant progress on your own by learning to be a person who lives more in alignment with who you really want to be. You can create a safe space for your spouse and maybe they will respond to this safety someday, and maybe they won't. But in the meantime, you are building your own sense of self by showing up the person you want to be, by being loving and kind and respectful, by showing others compassion when they struggle and bring a safe space, create a safe space for them to work through their human experience. 

30:25 

The safer you are, the more sense of self you're going to have and the higher the percentage that your spouse is going to respond to that. No guarantees because we can't control that. But there's a better chance they're going to respond to safety than that they're going to respond to being feeling unsafe. Okay, that's going to do it for us today. I love growing up, don't you? Yes, I hope so. I think that's why you're here. 

30:55 

Alright. If you would love some personal help from me, if you want to figure out if coaching is a good option, if learning how to be safer for your person is on your docket and you're not quite sure how to do there, coaching is an amazing option. I can help you move somewhere in three to six months that it will often take you two, three, four years to get to on your own. We can fast track you and move you into a better space, a healthier relationship, a more satisfying and intimate relationship. This is what I do. And also I just would like to ask if this podcast is speaking to you, please share it. Please leave me a review. I would love that. And if you want to chat with me, you can go to tinyhell.com. You can go to the free consultation tab and you can get on my calendar where we can talk about coaching and get you set up to start making some changes that are going to make all the difference in your life. Have an awesome, awesome day, my friends, and I'll see you next time. Bye. 

32:12 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.