00:00 

Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 357, "How to Be More Understanding." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. As always, just so happy to share with you some content that I've been working on and that has been a continual progression of how I understand this work, how pieces fit together so that we can make things work better in our relationships and just feel better. I find that the more I incorporate these tools, the better my sense of self is because I see myself showing up in ways that feel genuine, that feel authentic, that feel in alignment with the person that I really want to be and that impacts my sense of self in a positive way. When my self respect goes up because I show up in a situation and I go, "dang girl, you did that like a boss. I'm so proud of you." When I show up in a situation like that, it can't help but impact my sense of self in a positive way. 

01:17 

So that's what this work does. It provides us with opportunities to build and to strengthen our sense of self because we show up better and better and better and treating people with more love and with more kindness, treating ourselves with more love and more kindness. It's just important, important work. And I'm so glad that you're here and I'm glad that I've been doing this for six years and the impact of the continual process of revisiting this work over and over and over has made such an impact in my relationships with my husband and with my children and with myself. And I just am glad that I get to share this with you. 

02:02 

So before we jump into today, today's topic, I want to just let you know, the next Talk with Tanya is May 13th. That is the second Tuesday of every month at two o'clock Eastern, 12 o'clock Mountain. It is a free webinar where you can just show up and we just talk about whatever anybody brings up. Last time we did coaching with two people specifically. And I think it's good, even if you're not the one getting the coaching, just being able to listen and to hear what other people are going through and apply those concepts and ideas to your own life is so valuable. I love listening to coaching calls. And that's one thing that I do on a regular basis to help me is to listen to other people getting coached and just be able to apply and implement the concepts that they're talking about into my own life. It makes such a difference. 

02:55 

So the other thing that I just want to remind you of as well, I know I've been talking about this, but if you listen to a podcast and in the last three months or so, and you go, "oh, I like that. I'd like to learn a little bit more about that," go to the show notes on whatever app you listen to your podcast on, and I will have many, usually somewhere between five and 10 other podcast recommendations of my podcast that you can listen to that will expand your understanding either on that specific topic or on something closely related. And I think that that's been a really great thing that I've been able to add to help with your learning and your growth and your progress. 

03:35 

So let's move onto today's topic. We were talking about how to be more understanding. So I think one of the biggest struggles that we have as people in relationships is quieting our primitive brain that always thinks that we're in danger. Because it thinks this, we are often on high alert for what doesn't seem fair, for feeling the need to be listened to and understood, and for defending ourselves when we feel attacked. And yet in the work I do with myself and with so many of my clients, our propensity to drive these types of behaviors, the not feeling "it's fair," the defending ourselves first, it isn't necessary. And second, it creates more problems than it solves in relationships. 

04:17 

Now we're not talking about things that would fit into abusive relationships. We're talking about our basic relationship. We both want this to work and we're just not connecting, right? And so this is what we're talking about. But notice that your brain will often go into "this isn't fair" and we have to feel like things are fair. We feel like I have to be listened to and understood first and we feel this propensity to really defend ourselves when we feel like some aspect of ourselves is being attacked. But it isn't necessary, first, because we're not really in danger when these types of relationship struggles come up. Physically, we're not being attacked. And what we're experiencing is just someone else's thoughts and ideas. We're not in danger. Our primitive brain wants to defend our point of view. It wants to go into a one-up position to try and prove that we're stronger and smarter. 

05:12 

But these are all just intuitive thoughts that aren't helping us to create better relationships. In fact, they are harming our relationships because what relationships need is not two people defending their position, but rather two people choosing to understand what the other person's point of view is. Choosing to move into collaboration instead of competition. Choosing to be honest and create safety for the other person. And moving into healthier relationship communication space does not happen naturally. We have to choose to develop the skill of not getting defensive, of not weighing sides to determine what's fair and what's not, and choosing to listen and understand before acquiescing to our primitive brain's desire to be understood first. 

06:00 

It is a choice. It won't happen naturally. And this requires a lot of paying attention to what's going on in our body and in our brain. And it requires intentionally choosing to employ skills and tools that will feel counterintuitive to the screaming of your primitive brain, and instead do what it takes to help the other person feel safe and secure in their interactions with us. And I promise, especially at first, when you start engaging these tools, your primitive brain will be screaming and throwing a tantrum about how you're doing it wrong, about how you're setting yourself up for failure and pain and how you're losing ground and how you're weak and getting walked all over. Your primitive brain will tell you all the stories to try and protect you. 

06:48 

So say hello to your ego. Okay. In layman's terms, an ego refers to a person's sense of self-importance. It is the instinctual part of us that is driven by pleasure and immediate gratification in response to the outside world. So often the concept of primitive brain and ego can be used interchangeably. And I will do that as they both refer to the instincts we have for self preservation and creating and protecting our identity. It is often fear-based in its reactions and can create feelings of needing to defend ourselves against what it sees as a credible threat. And yet these same circumstances, when seen through the prefrontal cortex, very often aren't really a threat to our physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing. If we slow down and really look at them, we can go, "Oh wait, like I'm not really in danger." So although the primitive brain's response to these circumstances can create so much discomfort that our natural reaction is to do whatever it takes to stop the feeling, to get away from the feeling by whatever means possible. 

07:55 

So with all of this going on in our heads, it can be super hard to quiet that panicky protective part of our thinking and step into healthier behaviors instead. And yet I promise you, it's possible. And the more you practice these tools, the more your primitive brain begins to learn that these situations really aren't dangerous. We're not really in danger. And it will start to settle down as well, but at first it can be excruciatingly painful and scary. But if we want to have deeply intimate, connected relationships, we have to learn how to show up doing what is best for the relationship rather than what is best for our primitive brain when it senses discomfort. 

08:43 

So I've found that I can feel discomfort and still choose to act in the ways my prefrontal cortex knows will be the most helpful for the situation. Discomfort does not mean what we're thinking of doing is wrong or harmful. It just means that it doesn't have enough past data to support doing it and also know that we'll be safe. So for example, if your go-to behavior has always been to get defensive, to attack before being attacked, to jump to conclusions and blame and accuse and criticize, your primitive brain has past proof that those tactics work to protect you because you're still alive. So choosing to employ new tactics will freak your primitive brain out because it doesn't have the past proof yet that these tools will keep you safe. So as you move forward to implement being more understanding and creating a safe place for your partner to share, be aware that you will get some resistance from your primitive brain. And it takes time to reprogram your brain to respond differently, to prove to it that these new tools don't put you in danger. So be patient and also be persistent in choosing what might be new behaviors for you. 

10:03 

OK, so a few months ago, I shared podcast number 347 with you called The Self-Care of Relationship Repair." So these two are connected. So go back and listen to that one after this one if you need a refresher. And that's in the show notes, so you can just refer that down there. So in that podcast, I talked about a process used by Terence Reel about how to repair our relationships. And one of the greatest things I love about his relationship repair process is creating a safe space for your partner to share all the things. And on that particular day, in that particular experience, you don't share a rebuttal or a rebuff at all. Your only job is to seek to deeply understand your partner's point of view. That's it, not to share your own. 

10:15 

And so today I want to expand a little bit on what it will look like to really seek to understand their point of view when you are talking with your partner about a topic that they might be struggling to understand clearly or something vulnerable that they're sharing with you, or even if you've had a disagreement about something, understanding is the first and most vital step. Well, let me add to that list. Even if they're sharing something that you are doing that they're not happy with, understanding is the first and most vital step. So Stephen Covey refers to this as "seek first to understand and then be understood," meaning the other person gets to share and explain first. Give them a safe space to tell all the things without judgment or defensiveness from you. 

10:15 

Now, I know this can be super hard, especially when you feel the other person might be attacking your motives or your behaviors, maybe even attacking your character. But to really create a safe space, they need the freedom and the safety to put all of their thoughts and ideas out on the table without being attacked or criticized or judged by you. 

10:15 

So here are the three things we're going to talk about that are going to help you do this: validate, restate, ask questions. OK, when choosing to create this safe space for your partner, these are the only three things that you're allowed to do. OK, your brain will sometimes be screaming to defend yourself, telling you to point out facts that they're getting wrong, to prove to them that they're wrong and that you're right. And you get to quiet that part of your brain down and let it know that, listen, now is not the time. That this time right now is the time to help my partner, this person I love. This is the time to help them feel safe and loved and accepted. Because come on, we love them, we choose them and we want to show up prioritizing them. And this is a way that we can show them that. 

10:15 

So in seeking to understand, one of the first things that you can do as your partner shares their story, their experience with you, is to validate them. This is the first step, right? Validating requires that you really listen to them. And when they share a difficult experience, you validate their response to it. Did they feel fear? Then you might say something like, "that makes sense that you would be scared in that situation." Do you hear the validation, right? Did they feel anger? You might say, "I think I would have been angry in that situation as well." Did they feel frustration? Well, you might say, "I can see why you would be so frustrated. I'm sure I would have been as well." So responding in these types of ways, you are letting them know that what they are experiencing is normal, that they are normal. I think we've all heard stories or experienced people responding with "you are crazy to believe that." Or "don't you think you're overreacting," which does nothing but invalidate the other person's experience. 

14:09 

Here's the clincher: you do not have to agree even one percent with what the other person's beliefs and experiences, you just get to validate that it was tough for them or scary for them or unnerving for them or frustrating for them. In this place of validation, we aren't focusing on the facts. Facts don't even matter here; what we're focusing on is the other person's experience with what they believe to be the facts. One reason this can be so hard is because if you see the facts different, you will want to jump in and correct where they're wrong. And yet I'm telling you, most often the facts don't really matter. And if you're trying to understand the other person, the facts don't matter at all. We're not validating facts. We're validating their experience with what they see are the facts. 

15:04 

An aspect of validation that is important is expressing empathy in this as well. So empathy is the ability to let the other person know that you understand the feeling behind what they're experiencing, not that you have had the exact same experience. When I was younger, I thought that I couldn't express empathy to someone if I had not experienced the same  thing that they were understanding. And Brene Brown taught me very differently. She taught me that I don't have to have had the exact same experience. I need to connect with the feeling behind the experience. 

15:42 

Okay. So for example, we might say something like, "I can see that. I know when people treat me that way that I feel dismissed as well. That's hard. I'm sorry they treated you that way." Do you hear the empathy there? Again, empathy in your validation isn't saying that you 100% agree with their story, or even that you 1% agree with their story. It is saying that you are seeking to understand their experience and that you are listening to a degree that you can relate to what they're saying. 

16:17 

So we've talked about some verbal ways that you can validate by letting them know that their responses make sense that, and there are also some nonverbal things that we can do to validate the other person as well. One: we can maintain eye contact. We can nod our heads while listening, right? We can use gestures like putting our hand to our chin to show that we're really thoughtful about what they're saying. And we can lean in to create a closer proximity. These are all physical behaviors that communicate that you're paying attention, that you're creating connection and safety for the other person. 

16:56 

If you're concerned about seeming fake in these, I want you to just really focus on listening without judgment, that's your number one priority. And then occasionally remind yourself to nod or gesture or lean in. And it may feel a little bit manufactured at first, but I promise it gets easier and more intuitive. The more you practice it, you just have to be willing to practice. Any skill that we develop feels uncomfortable and manufactured at first. This will as well, but it doesn't mean that you're disingenuine. It doesn't mean that you're not being authentic. You are really trying to be the person that you want to be. Remember that validating is a place of working to see the situation from the other person's point of view. You do not have to agree with it. You do not have to change your point of view to agree with theirs. You are just seeking to understand why they have the view they have and how it is impacting them. That is the point of validation. 

18:03 

And again, when you are the source of their discomfort, it can be very hard to listen to them tell you how you're doing it wrong, what you need to fix. And yet remember that this is their experience and you understand better how your actions and words are being perceived by them is amazing data for you to learn how to be a better partner. So validate, validate, validate. You cannot go wrong with validating another person's experience. 

18:39 

Okay. So that is one of the three things you're allowed to do. A second thing to help you understand the other person better that you're allowed to do is to restate what the other person is saying. So restating is paraphrasing what the other person has said in your own words. When you restate, you are letting the other person know you are truly listening and wanting to understand and that you are engaged and invested in what they're sharing. When you can restate well, it communicates to the other person that you genuinely are working to see things from their point of view. 

19:14 

So restating will often start off with statements like, "so just to make sure I'm understanding what you're saying is," or you might start off with, "let me see if I understand you correctly. When..." right, and then you add. Or it might even be like, "it sounds like..." or you might say, "I understand..." right? And so it's just these restatements of telling them back what you're hearing, what you're understanding. Restatements work best when you can give a great summary of what they've said, rather than just repeating back word for word their statement. Although that's gonna be better than not restating at all, but you want to take the whole big idea and restate it. So who knew that eighth grade English class skills of summarizing the main idea would be so important when you became an adult? That's what you're doing. Those skills that you learned in high school of summarizing, of identifying the main idea, that's what we're doing here, okay? 

20:18 

So after you've shared your restatement, follow up with phrases like, "is that correct? Is there anything I missed or don't understand yet? Is there anything else you need me to understand?" Questions like that, something that just says, listen, I really want to understand all the pieces, okay? So because these types of phrases communicate that you are interested in them and understanding all the aspects of what they're sharing. And this communicates love and acceptance, care and compassion. Also be careful of interrupting too often to restate what they're saying. Wait for a natural pause in their story  and even possible cues that they're checking to see if they still have your attention. So restating is the second thing that you're allowed to do to understand better. 

21:09 

The third thing you're allowed to do is to get curious. There will be things in their story that don't make sense to you. These are things that probably make sense to them so they don't actually add them to the story. We all have things in our brain that make sense and so we don't share them when we're telling but it leaves gaps in our story, right? So ask for clarification for better understanding on parts they may have left out. And we all hear just parts, right? None of us hear every word that somebody says when they're talking because our brain diverts off for little bits to make connections and to understand things, to do things. So you are going to miss pieces of what they say. 

21:53 

So saying something like, "I'm not sure I understand the part about this. Will you tell me that again, please? Will you help me understand what you mean by this, okay?" These kinds of questions will help you to clarify your understanding of what they're saying. Set aside your insecurities about asking for clarification. I promise they won't mind clarifying if you are sincerely seeking to understand. Also, learning to ask open-ended questions, questions that require more than a yes or a no, to gather more information for better understanding is an important skill.This means to avoid questions that start with the word "do," like "do you want this? Do you have this," right? And using more questions that start with who, what, when, where, why, and how, alright? 

22:48 

So in asking questions, clean up your reasoning for asking. Do not ask questions to get information to back them into a corner later on or to gather data to show them how they're wrong or to get them to change their point of view. That is not the purpose of getting curious. For example, "don't you think you were behaving a bit irrationally?" Would not be an appropriate question. First, it's a question that starts with do. And second, it is accusing them of being irrational rather than seeing greater clarification. Our goal is clarification, not throwing them under the bus to put a salve on our own insecurities. 

23:31 

So along those lines, a question like, "don't you think it would be important to," is not a great option because it is like you're trying to lead them to a particular conclusion. That also is not the point of getting curious. The point of getting curious is to understand what is going on for them, how it is impacting them, what their thoughts and feelings are. You are just collecting data to understand their point of view better. You are not trying to influence or interpret the data with your ideas and beliefs. You are working to understand the data from their point of view. So questions like, "what were you thinking and feeling when I said that? When did you realize this was going on? What did you make it mean when he said that to you? What are your thoughts about how to proceed? Why do you think you responded that way? I'm not sure I'm clear on this aspect of your experience. Will you help me understand better what was going on?" These types of questions are seeking more information. 

24:38 

Remember, the goal here is to understand the other person and their experience better, not to fix them or change their mind or show them where they're wrong. Their experience will never be wrong. It is their experience. It has been created by every other experience they've had in their lives and every thought and belief they have had that creates their reality. Just as your experiences have, there is no right or wrong in most of these situations. And learning to let go of the deeply held belief that most of us have around somebody always being right and somebody always being wrong will service very well in being able to create a safe space for our partner to share their experience. When you feel you have a good handle on the other person's experience and when they have affirmed that you understand their experience well, follow up with a curious question such as this, "what can I do to support you in this? Or what do you need from me? Or maybe how can I help?" 

25:46 

And if the problem had something to do with you, ask something like "what do you need me to do differently to support you?" That is how we start to wrap up this conversation when you really understand what's going on when you have validated, when you have restated, when you've asked questions, you feel like you have a good understanding, you feel like you're in a good place. We finish off with "how can I support you? What can I do for you? What do you need from me? How can I behave differently?" A question like that, that moves into this space of "I see your needs and I want to support you." 

26:32 

So these three things, validating, restating, getting curious, will help you to show up in your relationship, being the loving, kind and compassionate person you really want to be. People who can show up this way with their partner have amazing intimate relationships and feel connected in their relationships. Once you have gotten to a place of feeling as though you really understand the other person and their experience and you've confirmed it through restating and asking questions, you can finish off the conversation by thanking them for sharing with you. You can let them know that you know it was difficult to be that honest and vulnerable and that you appreciate their openness, their honesty and their trust to share it with you. You might even need to offer a sincere apology at this point for behaviors that you have engaged in that have hurt them. 

27:28 

Circling back around is one of the most powerful tools to let the other person know that you are genuinely interested in healing your relationships. So circling back around uses this format. I call it the four A's. One, awareness, which is what you have done in creating this understanding, right? You've created awareness around what you've done. Acknowledgment, you know, acknowledgement to yourself that, oh, I did this and acknowledgement to them that I see that I have engaged in this behavior. Three, an apology. I am so sorry that I have done this. This is not the person that I want to be in this relationship and alignment. This is where we circle back around and we say, if I could do it again, this is what I would do. Or oftentimes if we catch it in the moment, we can say, "this is not the person I want to be. Can I try it again?" Right? And then we give it another shot. 

28:27 

So once you've expressed appreciation and circle back around as appropriate, just let their story be. Don't start to tear it apart by telling them about the details they have wrong or about how they've misjudged you or how their behavior has been similarly hurtful. Just let it sit. Let them be seen and heard and understand. That is an amazing gift of safety that you can give them. If you need to share some of your experiences, tomorrow or the next day would be great, but not today. Let them have the safety of knowing their vulnerability was accepted and that it is secure in your hands and in your heart. 

29:13 

And very possibly, by tomorrow, when this info has settled a bit in your own heart, you will feel softer and more compassionate when your emotions aren't so high, right? And you will approach your side of the story with a different perspective if you still feel the need to approach it at all. You may see very clearly by this point the hurt that you've caused and feel only to love them better and redeem yourself by cleaning up your hurtful behaviors. And you may just decide that for now, cleaning up how you treat your partner is more important than defending your position. Promise this stuff works. 

29:54 

And listen, your partner, the other person that you're doing this with, may not have the capacity to engage with you in this way. And guess what? That's okay. You have the capacity to deal with them in this way. And the more safety that you create in your relationship by showing up this way, the more safe they will feel. And very likely, not always, we can't control the people's and we're not doing this to control the other person. We're showing up this way because it's the way that we want to be. But very often the other person will make adjustments based on our really good behavior. When we start cleaning up stuff and they don't feel threatened, they don't feel scared, very often people start behaving very differently and it heals our relationships. 

30:46 

Okay, so there's the three things that you can do to be more understanding. Validate, restate, get curious. I promise you it works. This is an amazing part of growing up is figuring out all this stuff. 

31:03 

Okay, let's talk really quick. If this information is helping you, if it's making a difference, if you're like, "oh my gosh, I love this." Please, please, please find a way to share it. I know that this information helps people live better lives. And if somebody could listen to even five of my podcasts and pick up three or four nuggets that help them to have better relationships, it is so worth it to me to do this work that I do in preparing and putting these out. And I would love to have you share this information. You can share it on your social media. You can copy the link and send it to friends in text messages. You can get on iTunes, the Apple Podcast app or Spotify, and you can leave a review. That way people you never know can even have greater access to this. But please share this information, especially if you were listening and someone popped into your mind. I believe that is God's way of saying, hey, share this and do it. 

32:14 

And if you feel like it is time for you to step into next level and really take care of some business, let's work together one on one. You can get in contact with with me on my website tanyahale.com. You can go to the "free consultation" tab. You can get on my calendar. Let's have a chat about how you can become a better, more loving, more kind person with skills and tools, with the awareness of how you have not been showing up. That is the biggest gift that I have to share with you, is an awareness of your behavior and how it is causing problems, because all of us have it. And as we clean it up, things just get so much better. It's what this work has to offer all of us. Okay, my friends, have an awesome, awesome week. Keep growing up and I will see you next time. Bye. 

33:10 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.