00:08 

Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Hey there, my friends, welcome back. This is Tanya and this is episode number three of Intentional Living, "Conflict Resolution." Our favorite topic, right? Because we all love a good conflict. I know that for a lot of years conflict for me was a bad word. Something that I just did not want to engage in and because of that I did not set clear boundaries. I avoided it at all costs and that caused a lot of problems in my relationships. And so I've learned to look at conflict a little bit different. A lot of us, though, have this idea that "I hate conflict." And we think of the word conflict and we start getting all these bad feelings and these bad emotions that start coming in and overtaking us and making us start to get sweaty and hot. 

01:13 

And I want to present us with a totally different idea about conflict today. First of all I want to say that conflict is not bad. I don't know that conflict is necessarily good either. Conflict itself is just neutral. If we think about what a conflict is, in essence it is basically just two different ideas. Well maybe more but for simplicity, we'll say two different ideas. I have an idea, you have a different idea, that creates a conflict. 

01:47 

So we have this conflict going on. And the reason why I think so many of us look at conflict as being negative is because that is what has been modeled for us most of our lives. When we look at TV shows how do they resolve conflict? Well they all get upset and they have a fight and and maybe they start yelling at each other or they start beating each other up. Same thing in movies and even in our own personal lives a lot of times. We've looked at how the way the way that people deal with conflict and there's a lot of manipulation involved, or there's a lot of angry words, or there's a lot of silent treatment or whatever it is. This conflict, this difference of ideas, because we are unable to to approach it in a different way, all we know is to stand our ground and to put our walls up and to start to fight. This is why so many of us hate conflict or have learned to to feel uncomfortable with conflict. 

02:45 

But I'm going to take us back to the idea that our thoughts about conflict are the key here. So when we look at the model, we start off with a neutral situation or a neutral circumstance. A conflict, we both have different ideas. That's a neutral circumstance. What I choose to think about us having different ideas is where the process starts. Now, I can automatically feel threatened, or think that, "well, they're stupid, they're dumb, they don't know what they're talking about." And that's going to automatically create some negativity around conflict. It's going to start causing some contention, which is what most of us don't like, right? Because we know where contention comes from. It comes from the devil, and we don't want that contention. 

03:37 

So we get this idea that conflict is bad because almost everything we've dealt with having to do with conflict has led to contention or has led to serious, difficult, hard things. And we think, you know, "they should agree with me", or "how can they think that?" And we all of a sudden become very judgmental about the other person's ideas. And I want to start changing our perception about conflict. I want us to start looking at conflict as being a neutral situation, but one that we can approach, that we can use to our benefit. Not in a manipulative sort of way, but we can use it to strengthen relationships rather than tear them down, which is what we're used to. 

04:18 

And I really, really believe that dealing with conflict in a positive way can strengthen relationships in a way that nothing else can. It's going through those difficult times that really bring a depth to our relationships. And if we have relationships that are always just light and happy and cute and fun, they're just skimming along the surface. And it's when we take those opportunities to have a difficult experience with someone that our relationships can be deepened and strengthened, and they can become better and more intimate than they were before. So we're going to talk about how we can use conflict to our advantage to do just that, to create better relationships. 

05:04 

So let's talk about the first of three ways that most of us deal with conflict. The first one is contention, and we've already talked about this. And this is why most people really hate conflict. Contention breaks down relationships. It makes the other person feel, or both people involved, feel as though the other person doesn't love or doesn't care about them. And it can be a very hurtful way to deal with conflict. And this, again, takes us back to the idea of why so many people are uncomfortable with conflict because they only know how to deal with it with contention. 

05:36 

Or maybe they know how to deal with it in a second way, which would be ignoring it. And this is an easy thing to do. And a lot of times this is a necessary thing to do. If I'm driving down the road and somebody cuts me off, dealing with it with contention is not going to be a very good thing, you know, getting a little road rage underneath my skin is not going to help that at all. In that situation, I just need to ignore it and just let them do their thing, right? But if I'm having a conflict with someone that I care about and a relationship that is important to me, ignoring is never, ever, ever a good option. Ignoring basically says "I don't care enough about you to handle this situation or to work through this with you." I think there are situations in my life where I would have rather had the contention rather than the ignoring, because contention at least says "I'm a little bit invested in this," whereas the ignoring just says "I'm not invested at all." But a lot of us deal with contention by ignoring it, even with people that we care about a lot, and that's a very hurtful path to take, as is contention. 

06:46 

So let's talk about the third way that we can deal with conflict, and this is what I want to really want to talk about today: compassion. And that doesn't mean that we're laying down and just giving them what they want. That is not what is going to create a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship means that all voices are heard and all voices are understood. This is probably the least utilized by most of us, but ultimately it's the most effective, because it not only preserves relationships, but it actually strengthens them during a conflict. It creates, in the end, a more intimate, loving relationship with whoever we are doing this with. 

07:30 

So wouldn't it be awesome if we would think, "oh, we disagree on this. This is a great time to extend compassion," and we get to strengthen our relationship. And I know that may seem like a stretch, but I think as we start to change our thoughts about conflict, that we can then start changing our feelings as we go through that process of resolving the conflict. When we change our thoughts and when we change our feelings, then we start to change our actions of how we respond to these situations and this is where we're going to go. 

08:01 

So I'm gonna give you a sweet little acronym for dealing with conflict and it is LOL. So we're going to resolve some conflict today with LOL. So here we go. The first L here is to listen and this gets tricky because I know for many of us, and myself included especially for a lot of years I'm much better than I was but I listened so that I could fight back. I listened so that I would know how to defend myself. I listened so that I would know how to attack right. This is not the kind of listening that we're talking about here. This type of listening really says "I want to understand your point of view." We're not listening to argue or to refute and not to show them where they're wrong and where we're right. We really really want to listen, to understand .Stephen Covey, in his "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," habit number five is "seek first to understand and then to be understood." So our first step has to really be to understand the other person's point of view and this requires some true curiosity and inquiry. 

08:49 

For this first step of listening, we have to really get curious about why do you believe that and what experiences have you had that bring that to play for you? Those types of questions that are going to help them understand that we really want to see their point of view, we want to understand why they believe the way they do. So true Curiosity has got to be the first thing we have, to love that person enough to really want to understand what they're saying. 

09:42 

We may find that we don't agree with it. That's totally fine. But if we understand their point of view and understand where  they're coming from, that really changes our response to them and it softens. It takes away some of that defensiveness or that aggressiveness that we may feel when there is some conflict going on. 

10:03 

This is the thing...we have to be sincere about that curiosity. If we are not sincere they can tell. We can all tell, can't we, when somebody is just listening? And we can tell they're just gearing up for a fight. We can tell. But if we really feel like they want to understand us, that softens our heart towards them as well. So then we get two hearts that are starting to soften in this conflict situation rather than two hearts starting to harden and build walls. 

10:11 

So the other point about listening that I want to make is that there can be no judging the other person for their viewpoint. We cannot start thinking that they are right or that they are wrong. Our goal here is just to listen and understand where they're coming from. Again, that doesn't mean that we need to agree with it, but if we really seek to understand it, our hearts will be softened. And how we listen makes a big deal. 

11:08 

I was thinking about earlier this year when we were doing some reading in the New Testament. Remember when the angel came to Zacharias and also to Mary and told both of them that they were going to be having a child? Zacharias that his wife would be having a child and Mary that she would be. Zacharias and Mary both had very similar responses as far as the words go. And yet the angel responded so differently with both of them. Zacharias was made mute for the duration of the pregnancy and Mary was was praised for her response. The the only thing that I can understand from that is though their words were the same, the intention and the desire of their heart behind the words was completely different. 

11:59 

So if I am seeking to listen so that I can arm myself with information to fight back with ,there's a different feeling there and there's something going on that's going to change the feeling of the discussion. But if I am truly listening to understand their point of view, and I'm curious and I love them and I want to get it, then there's a totally different feeling. We can we can share our love with them in that way by really trying to listen more carefully. 

12:32 

Let's go to the O of LOL. O means that we need to own our own. Okay, this means that I am responsible for my own feelings. When we are listening and trying to resolve a conflict, this is not a time for us to to blame people or to point fingers. It's not a time to to shame other people or to try and make them feel guilty. I need to own my own feelings and nothing more. For example, I would say "when you said such-and-such, I felt this." Now remember when we're saying this, we're going to start with a fact, not an opinion. Alright, so we're going to say "when you said you were tired and wanted to go to bed, I felt such and-such." Okay, rather than "when you turned your back on me and said that you just didn't want to spend time with me anymore then I felt..." right? Now we need to just keep it to the facts and not share our opinions. We could say "when this happened I thought such-and-such." 

13:38 

Now, what we don't want to get into is saying things like "well, you were so mean when you said such and such," or "you just don't understand because..." Okay? Those are loaded. They're loaded with accusations, they're loaded with judgment, and and it's not my responsibility to be in charge of anybody else's feelings or behaviors or thoughts. I need to own my own. I need to be responsible for my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own ideas. So we need to keep this part very clear. So when it comes time to seek to be understood I can share my opinion as well, but I definitely need to just make sure that I am owning my own feelings. I'm not trying to be responsible for the other person's thoughts or feelings or behaviors. 

14:26 

Alright, and the third L in the lol is love. And we've already alluded to this a lot but this is the time where we just have to extend genuine genuine love for the other person. You know what? They can believe whatever they want. They can behave any way that they want, and yet I can still choose to love them. They can give me the silent treatment. I can still choose to love them. They can say that I'm unreasonable and irresponsible, and I can still choose to love them. What they think, what they feel, what they say is not my responsibility. I need to be responsible just for me and not for anybody else, and I can love regardless. When I really just choose to love that person, regardless of whether I agree, regardless of whether I fully understand, this creates a situation where the other person feels understood and appreciated. They feel like we care about them enough to slow down the situation and to not fly off the handle and to read into it, but they can see that I really care  enough to really try and understand them and that I love them regardless of whether we have different ideas or whether we come to an agreement or not. 

15:51 

And this is what makes conflict amazing, is because this is where we can really start to increase the emotional intimacy. Even if we have a relationship and even if we don't come to the same place where we agree, if I feel like you cared enough about me to listen, you cared enough about me to be respectful and respond to me in positive, uplifting ways, if I feel like you understanding my point of view is more important than you forcing your ideas on me, that creates the emotional intimacy, the real deep connections that we are seeking for in our relationships. 

16:37 

So these opportunities to really listen and to own our own and to love other people are really, really great opportunities for us to strengthen relationships rather than have conflict destroy and tear down things that we treasure so much. So this is our assignment this week. Start paying attention to conflict. Slow down the situation and seek to do a little LOL. Seek to listen, to own your own feelings and ideas, and to truly just love the other person. I 100% know that this helps us to deal with conflict in such a positive way that our relationships are better and stronger and happier as a result of conflict. And is not what we all want to be in a better emotionally healthy place where we can deal with things like conflict in a way that strengthens relationships. 

17:34 

So that's what I've got for you today, resolving conflict. It's a great opportunity for us to move forward in life and to strengthen our emotional intelligence. So on that note if you would like to get some personal help from me with anything going on in your life you can go to tanyahale.com to sign up for a free 20 minute coaching session. And if you love what you're hearing, please share this podcast with anybody else who you feel would love it as well. Don't forget to subscribe so that you never miss an episode. That will do it for today. I hope you have an awesome day and I will see you next time, bye. 

18:10 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my "weekend win" Friday email: a short and a quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and to learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.