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Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 289, "Why Our Relationships Need Validation." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hello there, my friends. So glad to have you here on the podcast. Happy New Year. I know last Monday was the first but here we are a full week in. 

00:33 

I hope it's going great for you. Just a couple of things. I am going to be doing the physical and emotional intimacy discussion group. We're going to be starting that in March. So I'm going to be doing some traveling that's going to make it difficult for me to get started before then. So if you are interested in learning more about that when it comes out, go to tanyahale.com. Go to the "contact me" section. Scroll down just a little bit and sign up for my "weekend win." This is just an email that I send out every weekend just to say, "hey here's a great little tidbit of information that I think you might enjoy," and in that information you will be the first to find out when that group is available. I think it's going to be amazing. I'm super excited to just have a deep dive discussion every week for four months with people who want to talk about intimacy, and how physical and emotional intimacy are connected and how we create both in our lives. 

01:35 

So that being said, the one other thing with two other things. One, transcripts are now going on the podcast, so usually the day after this comes out the transcript will be available and we are working backwards. So I'm not exactly sure what number we're on, but just if there's one that you want to check out, just check and see if it's ready yet. But we are working on those. 

01:54 

And also my consults, when you call and you want to talk to me about about coaching, see if it's a good fit. I have moved those from a 30 minute consult to a 90 minute consult. And here's why. I want to build better relationships with you. I want you to come to a coaching session with me and I want to really have time to see you, to hear you, to help give you some tools and some understanding of where you're at and not just tell you about what I do for coaching. What I do for coaching is amazing. I love it and I think everybody should have a life coach. However, I just, I really want these to be a really great place, a great tool, for you to be able to use to come and see with some experience in getting coached what coaching can do for you and how it can help you. So if you're interested in that, you can go to tanyahale.com. To the top right, there's a brownish kind of button that says "free consultation" and you can have access to my calendar and get signed up. So check that out if you're starting to think that this may be the year that coaching is your thing. I had such a powerful experience with my life coach this week with this struggle that I've been going through and just really, really helpful. 

03:12 

So okay, let's jump in. Today we are talking about why our relationships need validation. So one of my clients recently told me of an experience where she showed up with some really scary vulnerability in her relationship and her husband validated her. You know, it was this place where he's like, "oh, I see you, I see that's a struggle and it's okay, like it's not a big deal." And it was an experience for her because she has struggled to step into this vulnerability. It was an experience that caused a flood of emotion for her and she felt so connected to him that she actually left what she was doing to go and connect with him physically, something that she has not been in the habit of doing. And this is the power of validation in relationships. It can create emotional connection and intimacy. Now what was interesting was that this client then commented that she felt uncomfortable with the validation because she had been told that we shouldn't need validation from others that we create our own validation. And I know where she's coming from. On this podcast, number 29 entitled "Validation," I speak about that exactly, that our sense of self needs to be validated by ourselves and that our self worth can't come from anyone else. 

04:26 

So today we're going to talk about these two different types of validation and when they show up. So let's revisit the concept from podcast number 29. When we are seeking validation from others to shore up our own sense of self, this is when it's 

problematic and it's a problem because other people are not and cannot be responsible for our sense of self. This is an  inside job. That's why it's called "sense of self" or we may sometimes refer to it as self-worth. I'm not saying that other people aren't important in our lives. Just that if we are waiting for others to create our value in the world, we might be waiting a long time. And to be honest, we might never get it if we're waiting for other people. And not because other people don't love us or appreciate us or support us, but because we all have a tendency to get caught up in our own lives and not to always notice the people around us. And because we can't get self-worth from someone else. We are each responsible for creating our own sense of self. When we do, not only do we get to determine how much and how strong it is, but we also have control over keeping it. Other people can't take it away from us. If we get our sense of worth and value from how others treat us, then if they take that away or if they go away in our lives, we also lose that sense of worth and value. If we create it for ourselves, others cannot take it away. 

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When I work with clients whose sense of value came from their previous spouse or from being married, then when they're not married anymore and don't have that spouse in their lives, they don't feel they have worth outside of those spaces. And often they will desperately seek to be in another relationship in order to feel valued again. And that often doesn't go fabulously. We need to have that sense of self from ourselves. It has to come from inside of us. We are solely responsible for validating ourselves, to create it. 

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Now, this doesn't mean that we just think that everything we do is right, because all of us do a lot of wrong in the world. But we can give ourselves compassion for what we did wrong, why and how we did it wrong, know that in doing wrong our worth is not up for debate. We can validate that we are still a good person who made a mistake and then move into solution mode 

rather than getting into, and staying, in victim mode. This helps to create a greater sense of self-worth when we move into solutions. Self-worth means that we recognize our value when we're behaving in a stellar way and we recognize our value in the midst of our dysfunctional humanity. We are not reliant upon perfect behavior, circumstances or other people to create our worth for us. 

07:26 

So this is a place where validation from others is not helpful. It's not that we don't appreciate others supporting us or validating us. Humans like that and it doesn't make us narcissists. It's that we're not dependent on others validating us for us to love ourselves and recognize our value. So now in podcast number 244, I talk about the relationship circle. And if you haven't listened to that one yet, you may want to go back and listen to that one to help put some of these next things we're going to talk about in context a little bit more. Plus, it's a really great podcast and it has a great analogy to help us understand how we can be individuals and also be in connected relationships and how they are not in conflict. 

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So in the relationship circle podcast, I talk about how the in relationships, there are three circles. Here's our visual. Okay, three circles sitting side by side in a row and they're connected just at the edges. The two circles on each end are the two people in the relationship. And each one of these circles is self contained. Each person in that circle is responsible for themselves and everything about them. They are in charge of their thoughts, their feelings, and behaviors. It is their job to manage their happiness or unhappiness, whether they choose to love another person or not, or whether they are creating resentment, or whether they are establishing healthy boundaries. Everything having to do with that person is contained within that circle. When we have a strong sense of self, we act from a place of being the person that we are choosing to be. We behave in certain ways, not because we need other people to validate us, but because it is in alignment with the kind of person that we want to be. We love that person. We are in our own circle strong and confident. 

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Now, the circle in the middle that is connecting the other two circles is what we call "the relationship circle." This is the place where both people in the relationship show up to create something that is different than themselves. And this is the place where validation becomes necessary. Not because it impacts the other person's sense of self, but because in this space, validation nourishes the relationship and creates intimacy and connection. Part of the reason we are in relationships is to create a place where we can receive support and grow something different than ourselves. Relationships can create a space for us to see and explore our flaws in a way that sometimes is not available to us, all on our own. Relationships give us an opportunity to learn how to accept and love others for who they are and not for who we expect them to be. Through a lot of trial and error, relationships teach us to honor other people's agency, to stay in our own lane, to have clean love. 

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Let me give you a personal example from this last week: I figuratively and inadvertently threw a huge boulder into some water that caused quite a splash and some awfully big ripples. And it was really a struggle for me to see that I had done that, and to figure it out. People were hurt by my actions and knowing that I have hurt others always creates a lot of pain for me and a lot of shame for me because that would never ever be my intention, and yet I did it and I had a lot of things to figure out surrounding this situation. Now I wasn't ultimately questioning my self-worth, because I know I'm a human and I know that I'm gonna make mistakes and I know that's part of the process, but the shame I felt does come from a place that says, "oh there's something wrong with me," and I needed to clean that up and I needed to figure it out and I needed to step out of that shame before I could do anything ,because shame keeps us stuck for sure. And so in addition to a lot of thinking and processing on my own I was able to take this struggle into my relationship circle with Sione and put it on the table in there. 

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Now I didn't take it into the circle and put it on the table for him to fix it. I put it there so that he can see me, really see me, and not just in my days of glory, but also in my days of despair and huge failure. And this is a space of being vulnerable, of allowing the other person to see the real us, all of us, and it can feel scary sometimes. But it is also the process of being known, which we all crave at some level. To know and be known is a huge part of being in an intimate relationship, and we cannot be known until we allow ourselves to be seen. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And I'll tell you what, I put some doozers on that table this week. I showed him my flawed thinking, I showed him my shame, I showed him my judgments, and my anger, and my defensiveness, and I showed him all of my reasons. And I didn't do it just once. I did it a few times a day for about three days in a row, and I cried almost every single time. 

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So here's my sweet husband creating space for me to figure all this out, and how did he do it, what did he do? He validated my thoughts and my feelings. Now, that doesn't mean he said that what I had done was right, but he created a safe space for me to share without judging me or telling me that I was right or wrong. He helped me to see my thinking processes. He listened. He could have very easily gone into judgment or told me I was overreacting or that I should be over it already. He 

could have picked up the pieces on the table and tried to fix them. He could have tried to move them around so they would make more sense to me. But instead, he didn't touch anything. He just created a space where I could safely explore all the angles and move the pieces around and see it more clearly. He listened, he validated, he empathized, and he got curious. And what did his effort create? Greater intimacy. I felt so seen and so heard. My heart swelled with gratitude for how he showed up in supporting my struggle and my growth, and that swelling created greater love and admiration for him, created such a greater connection to him. I showed him my vulnerable soft underbelly, and he was gentle and kind. And this is a place where validation creates greater intimacy. He could have said, "oh my gosh, I can't believe you did that," but he didn't. He said, "oh, I can see that it hurts that you did that. I can see this is hard for you." People don't need our validation to love themselves, but relationships need validation to create connection. So this, it was an amazing way to create this greater connection, but this came on the heels of a larger catastrophe, the likes of which doesn't happen regularly. 

14:35 

The question is then, how do we validate our relationships on a regular daily basis? What does it look and sound like on the daily? So I just shared with you one way, and that is to create a safe non-judgemental space for the other person to show up in all their humanness. It can be easy in relationships to get frustrated with the other person's behavior, or to get overwhelmed with fear that the person is going to be showing us what they have the capacity to be: their worst selves, right? That can be scary. But learning to remember that what they are putting on the table has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with them and that we get to help them by supporting and accepting them. So when our brain says, "oh my gosh, what are they putting on the table?" We get to just stand back and say, "listen, this doesn't have anything to do with me. This has to do with them. Let me see them." 

15:31 

So the process I like to talk about is offering validation, empathy, and then curiosity. So start by validating their challenges, their pain, their struggle. This sounds like, "oh wow. This is such a tough challenge. I can see it's really difficult. I'm sorry you're going through it," right? Validate their challenge, validate their pain and their struggle. Next, empathize with their experience. This doesn't mean you have to have had the same experience, just an experience that helps you connect with a similar emotion. For example, I haven't had a sibling die, but I have had both of my parents die, and I can connect with the 

pain of losing someone in my life that I loved dearly. So empathy might say oh, it's so hard to lose people you love so  much." Right? Something that connects you with the feeling. And then third, get curious. Ask some questions and really listen to understand. So this is an amazing process to help validate another person's struggle. 

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So another way to validate is to seek to notice more often the sliding door moments that we talked about a few weeks ago. If you recall, John Gottman talks about these sliding door moments, little snippets in time where the other person in the relationship makes a bid for connection. This can come in the form of a verbal request like actually asking for something you want, like a hug or a minute to talk, or it can come in a physical request such as reaching out to hold your hand or leaning into you for a hug. It can come in the glance of an eye or the looking away. It can come in the subtle emotional withdrawal or the silence. It can come in a sharp word or the loud closing of a door or the eyes filling with tears. We have all sorts of ways of making bids for connection and some of them more positive and some more negative. The important part is that we are present in our relationship and seeking to notice the bids for connection. And when we see them, choose to step through that sliding door before it closes. Choose to engage. Choose to reach out for a hand and ask them how they're doing. Choose to catch their eye, smile and let them know you love them. Choose to let them know you see the struggle and are available to talk if they want. Going through the sliding door rather than ignoring it is an amazing way to validate in our relationships. Going through says, "I see you. I care about you. I care about this relationship. I prioritize this relationship." 

18:17 

This sort of validation is generally severely lacking in relationships that struggle. Relationships are about having someone who sees you, who accepts you, who loves you. And when we don't do that for each other, we feel disconnected. When we do show up for one another, when they make a bid for connection, we actually connect. We build trust and we strengthen the bonds of the relationship. 

18:43 

So then another way that we can validate the other person in our relationship is to express gratitude. This is such an easy and powerful way to say, again, "I see you. I acknowledge your efforts. I accept both you and your efforts." I have read several studies over the years that talk about how gratitude is so important for our own emotional health and happiness. The more gratitude we feel and express, the happier our lives are. And I believe the more gratitude we express, the better our relationships are. Gratitude is a form of validation, a place that says, "you matter to me." I value you and I see you. Here's an example. Let's say you live in an area that gets a lot of snow and every time there's a big snow storm, you go out in the morning and your neighbor has already used their snowblower to clear your walks and driveway. Now many people would make an effort to send a text, to go knock on their door, or take over some cookies to say "thank you." In essence, you're communicating that you acknowledge their efforts on your behalf to clean your walks of snow. You are seeing them as a person and making an effort to connect. Some people would either not notice that the snow had been cleared or they might think, "well, they have a snowblower so it's easy for them to do that" or they might just never get around to somehow expressing gratitude. Now is it an egregious offense? No, but think about the impact it has. Now, not so much on the other person because if they have a good sense of self they are not clearing the snow to receive accolades from you. They are clearing it because it's the kind of person they want to be and they will continue to clear it whether you express gratitude or not. Now, if they are clearing it to receive validation for their sense of self-worth, then if you're not validating them, if you're not saying thank you, they will stop doing it. But if they're doing it because they have a sense of self-worth and it's the person they want to be, they're going to continue doing it. However, the impact on the relationship with your neighbor is more significant. It sends a quiet message that you don't value their time or effort to clear your walks, or maybe that you don't value them as a person, or you don't value having a good relationship with them as a neighbor. 

21:10 

When we apply this concept then to our more intimate relationships, it can get more complicated. Our brains have a natural tendency to get complacent in what is around us every single day. So they can easily go with our spouses or other people who are around us all the time. We can easily go from gratitude to expectation to demands. So let me explain. When you first started dating your spouse, you most likely felt a lot of gratitude for everything they did. Every date you went on, every meal they paid for, every compliment they offered you, every door they opened, every kiss you got, it was like, "oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. You're so nice. Oh, I appreciate that." And then you get married and it might be still continuing and you're grateful that they go to work and that they support you in what you're doing in life and you support them in what they're doing, whether it be having a career outside the home or a career in the home as a stay-at-home mom. You're grateful when they do their part in caring for the home and the children. And we are often very generous with our gratitude 

at the first part of a relationship. And then over time, it gets complacent, right? It becomes our everyday normal. And we Powered by start to just expect these things, right? So we go from gratitude to expectation. Of course they go to work. That's what they do. Of course they care for the kids and the home. That's what they do. And we often stop expressing a lot of gratitude. They are still doing many of the things, but because now it's the normal, because it's expected, we stop expressing gratitude. 

22:49 

In fact, often we even stop noticing that they are doing these things at all. And then as time goes on, we get demanding about those things. We no longer just expect them, now we demand them. We demand that they have a plan and take us out on a Friday date. We demand that they get us the right Christmas gift. And when we don't get what we want, we get angry. Something that we used to be so grateful for, now we demand. Okay, so we may not demand it as in, "you have to do this thing." But we have let it become something that is so expected, so strongly, that we get angry or frustrated when it doesn't happen. And it is natural human tendency to follow this gratitude -expectation -demand course of action. 

23:38 

Figuring out how to not get complacent in our relationship this way takes conscious, intentional effort. And it's such an easy day-to-day way to validate the people in our lives. Here's the message that gratitude sends: I see you. I acknowledge your efforts on my behalf. I accept your offering. I want more of you in my life. You matter to me and our relationship matters to me. Can you imagine hearing that? Those are strong, powerful words. They evoke powerful emotions. Gratitude on a regular basis is such a powerful way to validate the efforts of the other person. And to be honest, it's a pretty easy and painless way as well. Think of this from the point of view of the spouse that generally makes dinner. They may love to cook and find a lot of satisfaction in doing it. And even if they didn't have a spouse to eat the food with, they would still cook because they enjoy doing it and they love eating good food. But having that spouse acknowledge your efforts, comment on the delicious food, express gratitude for your efforts to provide them with a delicious meal. That sort of validation says that they value your contribution. They value your efforts. They value you. And they can express gratitude every single meal and it wouldn't get old. We like it. And we like the connection that it creates in our relationships. And we don't like it because that person would need validation to keep cooking and feel good about their cooking. But because the validation creates connection, it creates greater intimacy and we are created for connection. you We have this deep drive inside of us to be connected. 

25:34 

And so when we have these relationships that should be tight and intimate and there is no connection, it is a recipe for misery in our lives. So many of our relationships become stale from lack of validation and not just stale, sometimes they become incredibly dysfunctional. So what does it look like when we fail to validate? It looks like non-acknowledgment, just ignoring, whether it be intentional or not. Like, no acknowledgement at all. It looks like dismissing, saying or thinking that it's not that important or that it doesn't really matter. This may include other phrases such as, "you're overreacting," "Aren't you over that yet?" "Oh, just let it go." "OK," or even an exasperated sigh. Oh, right, like that. Or it may look like an eye roll, turning away from not giving full attention. It looks like expecting, or demanding, rather than gratitude for how they're showing up. It looks like failing to acknowledge important events or dates, whether that be anniversaries or birthdays, or whether it be finishing a project or accomplishing a goal. To really show up in the relationship circle and create the connection that we choose, we have to choose to be present. We have to choose to be all in. We have to choose to put the other person's needs and wants on the top of our priority list. 

27:11 

I'm sure there are a lot of other things Sione would have rather done this last week during the time I was processing all of my stuff with him. And yet he let me know that I was top priority by giving me his time and being present. In the hours that this took, I never felt he was exasperated or tired of the same old story. He never got distracted by his phone. He knew I needed to process and he showed up for me in my need. And to top it off, he even thanked me for sharing all of that with him. That's what validation looks like and that is how we create connection in our relationships. 

28:05 

Now, if the relationship doesn't matter, there is not a lot of need to validate. Generally, we don't walk down the grocery store telling people complimentary things. Okay, but sometimes I do, I take that back, right? But I'm not looking in those moments to create connection or intimacy with someone. I just want to be a kind person. But that relationship with someone in the grocery store that I don't know doesn't need strengthening. It doesn't need connection to be successful. But the relationships that matter to us do need strengthening and they take effort and energy. If we want greater connection and intimacy, if we want a deeper, more substantial relationship, it is vitally important that we show up seeing the other person and letting  them know that we see them, that we validate their efforts to do great things, to show up in service to us, to be in our lives. Validation is a gift we give to our relationships and when our relationships connect more deeply, both people in the relationship benefit. 

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Here's a challenge for you this week: I want you to choose an important relationship and I want you to seek to validate it more often. If this relationship is one where you sometimes or rarely validate, set something like three times every day, you're going to validate something the other person does. You're going to be looking for what are they doing that I can be grateful for. How can I see them more? How can I notice those bids for connection? And if you're generally good at validating, yay for you! Maybe look at another relationship that might need some extra TLC. And remember, we are showing up the way we are because it's the person that we want to be, not because we think that it will change the other person. We want that other person to feel love like they have never felt love in their whole lives. We want them to have zero doubt of our love and devotion to them. When we incorporate some form of greater validation in our relationships, I'm willing to bet that something will shift where there previously hasn't been much. Because when we let people know they matter, that we care about them and that we care about our relationship, hearts soften, attitudes change, connection is made, and intimacy grows. I love growing up. I love the opportunity to create the kind of relationship that I've never had before. It's an amazing space and you have this capacity as well. Go into your relationships, validating, see the other person, acknowledge the other person, love the other person, show gratitude for the things that they are doing that often get overlooked. Just might change your relationship for the better. 

31:31 

Okay, my friends, if you would like some one-on-one help with me, you can go to my website, tanyahale.com, click on that "free consultation" button and set up a time that we can sit down and chat about your situation. I can do some coaching for you and also we can talk about coaching with me and what it would look like and all the things about that. So, wish you all the best. Happy New Year. Have a great, great week and I will see you next time. Bye.