00:00

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 283, "How to Be a Better Partner." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living.

 00:20

All right. Hello there, my friends, and welcome to the podcast today. I'm just so glad to have you here. I love this. I know I say that every week, but this is just so fun for me to create this content and so fun for me to work with you. And with those who work with me one-on-one, I just adore the fact that I get to do this for a job. In fact, I was reminded of that just last night. I got a text message from a previous client. I worked with her about a year ago and she sent me this fun text message just out of the blue and I wanted to share it with you. She was in the middle of trying to figure out whether or not to get divorced and it was a tumultuous time to be sure, which it always is. I don't know anybody for whom that that's an easy decision, but she listened to me on the Jody Moore podcast, July of 2022, when I was on that and reached out to me and we started working together. And this is what she wrote me last night. She said, "A year ago, I listened to some random podcast as my first podcast ever and you were the guest. I then reached out to you during the worst season of my life and you taught me how to show up clean and have my own back and I have no regrets on how I handled anything during my divorce and we get along well and the kids benefit from that. You then inspired me to go through life coach certification and I just certified last night and I've already helped a bunch of women get unstuck in their life and career. I just wanted to thank you for having a large impact on my life in a very short period of time."

01:55

What you do matters and you never know the lasting impact. Yeah, brought me to tears. Just very sweet to know that I get to be a part of people's journeys, especially these difficult things that I work through with my clients, whether it be a divorce on any aspect of it, getting ready to be divorced, in the middle of a divorce, after a divorce, they're all challenging, or whether it just be a relationship that you are struggling, struggling with and you want to show up better. I have a lot of clients who say, "I don't want to get divorced, but I don't know how to do this." And I get to work with them. And I just, I appreciate the trust that my clients exerted me in helping them get to a better place. And I absolutely consider it an honor to be part of their journey as well. So anyway, if you're in a tough spot and you need help figuring out midlife relationships, I also do a lot of adult children parent coaching and It's just amazing to me the progress that we can make in such a short amount of time. Anyway, just wanted to share that with you. If you feel like this could be beneficial and you're on the fence, go to tanyahale.com, get on my calendar, and let's chat about it. I'm not a hard sell. I'm not going to force you to buy something or make you feel guilty for not buying something if you feel like this is not a good fit for you. But it's absolutely worth a discussion and worth a chat to figure it out because this work changes lives. It has changed mine significantly and I know that it changes the lives of my clients and it might change yours as well, even more so than what it does just listening to this podcast.

03:43

So moving on a little bit today, I also wanted to hare with you one thing that I love about this work that I'm doing. My journey has been that I was married for 24 years, divorced for six and a half, got remarried a little over a year and a half ago to Sione. And the things that I'm learning here in this current marriage are so valuable, as I look back on my previous marriage and see the dysfunction that was going on there, I don't think I've really fully understood all the dysfunction until I got into this good marriage and now I'm able to look back and go, "Oh, look at that. Look at what was happening." And that's why in the last year and a half, so many of my podcasts have shifted in this arena to "this is what creates a healthy relationship" because now I'm understanding things that I never understood before. And so I love the space where I'm able to share this and I think that my unique journey of what I've been through and what I'm able to share with you is really helpful with the perspective that I have. I'm glad that you're here to share this and I hope that you find it useful and I hope that you share it with other people, when you think of other people who could benefit from this as well.

 05:01

Okay, so we're going to talk today about things that you can do to be a better partner. Okay, this isn't going to be all inclusive. It's just some things that came to my mind while I was thinking about this podcast. And I will say that these things don't apply just to marriages. They also apply to every other relationship in your life, but for the ease of conversation today, I'm going to keep it focused on marriages. So I have eight things that we're going to talk about today. And I've seen all of these work in my life and I've seen these work in my client's lives and so let's jump in.

05:35

 Number one: to be a good partner, it's important that we seek to understand our spouse at a more intimate level, which means that we step into curiosity a lot. When something triggers your spouse, meaning their level of response seems so much bigger than the situation would warrant, learning how to keep your cool and ask questions to understand why it's a trigger is really important. So I'll tell you that Sione is really great at this. I had something this last summer that triggered me and he could tell that I was triggered and here's the trick: I couldn't tell. I didn't realize that I was being triggered. I was moving into an old pattern of behavior of blowing it off and saying I understood and it wasn't a big deal and that I wasn't impacted by the situation at all. But he took the opportunity to get curious and to start asking me questions about the situation and about my thoughts and what was going on and he also shared that he didn't love the way that he showed up, and he got into a very vulnerable space as well, identifying his own pattern of behavior. And between his questions and his vulnerability, it felt safe enough for me to take a little deeper look at my own response and I realized that I was feeling a lot of shame about the situation and that shame was causing the shutdown.

 06:55

So when I took a deeper look at the shame and the thoughts that were creating it, I had some realizations about my own triggers that I hadn't been aware of before. And this is part of the brilliance of a great partnership. We get rid of the attacking, the blaming, the accusing and we get curious and we create a safe space for self-reflection and awareness because growth won't come for either of us until we're aware of the fact that we're not. And that means that when our spouse behaves badly, we don't attack, we don't accuse, we don't just fly off the handle. We don't start making it mean everything about us that I'm a bad spouse and I'm not worthwhile and I'm not valuable and they don't love me and they're going to leave. We have to turn all that crap off and we have to start saying, "wow, what's going on for them? How can I show up and create a safe space for them to look at this if they want to, to feel comfortable addressing some of this if they want to?" We have to step into seeing them, giving them space to be triggered, giving them space to have things that are tough for them rather than just being mean about it and thinking that they shouldn't because sometimes we go into that and I know that from personal experience. I think in my previous marriage when my spouse struggled I was just like, "get your stuff together, you shouldn't be struggling," and I did not give him space to be a human who struggled and who had a hard time. And so one of the first things that I think we can do is realize that our spouses are humans. They're going to struggle. They're going to have their own things that trip them up. They're going to be triggered by different things and sometimes they're going to show up in a pretty crappy way in our relationship and just as we do and that is part of what it means to be a good partner is to give them a space to put things on the table. Don't touch it. Don't play with it. Don't pick it up. Leave it on the table, but be able to step into a place of great compassion and kindness.

09:08

Alright. Second thing: choose to be self-reflective in your own life. The work that we do here is so amazing and if you're engaging and looking at how the concepts apply in your life, most likely you are doing a lot of this, a lot of self-awareness already. As you continue to explore how you are one-upping or one-downing, how you're not showing up honest and having tough conversations, you will see aspects in your life that need some cleaning up because awareness is probably one of the hardest parts of the work that we do here. And this is why working one-on-one with a coach can be so helpful, or get yourself a posse of friends who will listen as well and get together to discuss the concepts, and other people can help you see things that you are not seeing as you share your own circumstances.

09:58

So I have two groups that I can connect with almost weekly. One group is of five other coaches and every Sunday morning we have a Zoom call where we coach each other on things and the number of times they have called me out on my crap is impressive. There's a lot of crap, just so you know. Okay? They really helped me to see things that I don't. I also have two amazing and insightful women that I used to exercise with when I lived in Utah and we always had such insightful discussions. So we decided to continue those on Friday mornings over Zoom as well and we dig deep into topics that matter and it really helps me to be more self-reflective and to see things and show up more the way that I want to. And I also meet with my own life coach most weeks. Again, it's a safe space where I can bring up things I'm struggling with and she helps to create awareness around where I'm not taking responsibility, where I'm stepping into dysfunctional thinking and behaviors. My ability to be more self-reflective is absolutely increased when I am engaging with these thoughts. As well as Sione loves to discuss all things coaching and he's become a pretty darn good coach as well.

11:10

But when our self-awareness increases, we start cleaning up our own stuff and another benefit is getting to know ourselves at a deeper level, which helps us to know where our limits are. We set better boundaries around what's okay and what's not okay for us and we don't make commitments to our spouse that we're not able to keep. Because keeping commitments to our spouse is really, really vital. John Gottman's work talks so much about trust and how important trust is in our relationships. And to be a better partner, we have to be trustworthy.

11:46

Okay, let's go on. Number three: to be a better partner, we need to be mature enough to understand that marriages shift and change over time. And it's important that we shift and grow with them. So this is a time when we recognize that the initial phase of dating and building a relationship is just a phase. The excitement, the jitters, all the "woo-woo, this is so fun," that's all great and amazing. And it's also just a phase. It doesn't mean we are falling out of love when that tapers off. It just means we need to grow into a more mature form of love. This more mature form means that we incorporate the self-reflection we just talked about, that we don't lose our focus on what matters most, which is this person and our relationship. We keep doing the things that were so instrumental for us in creating love in the first place. And we also implement new strategies to build deeper and more intimate bonds than we already have or that we had in the past if we're struggling to get back with that. We have to put things in place.

12:54

For those of us who love a good romance book or a rom-com, it can be really easy to get sucked into the idea that what we're being sold is what is real, and it's not. Real relationships are not a Hollywood movie. Real relationships have times that are boring and deliberate, times that are difficult and overwhelming, times that feel disconnected. And these are the times where we intentionally choose to cultivate love in our relationships. We intentionally choose to show up kind and compassionate and engaging in ways that we know are going to be beneficial even if we don't feel it at the moment. A lot of times we don't feel it. We just choose it anyway. We choose our thoughts. We choose to create what we want. Love is not an emotion that really comes and goes, right? It's a choice that we make to engage. It's a choice to choose. If we sit around waiting for love to find us, we will be waiting a long time. We choose to love each other in the easy and the more difficult times. We choose to think thoughts that create connection rather than thoughts that create contention. Okay, so shifting with the growth of our marriage, exerting some emotional maturity to step into the more emotional relationship. Okay? Or the more mature relationship as life moves on.

14:29

Alright, number four: I also believe that being a better partner means that we learn to manage our own emotions. And this is often referred to as emotional regulation and it's super, super important, my friends. Often we can use other people to manage our emotions for us. For example, whenever we get upset or frustrated, we may have someone that we call to help us settle down. We may call it "venting" and I don't believe it's bad to have people that we vent to. However, I also believe that if we struggle to settle down and manage our strong emotions without someone else there, that is a problem. Part of our emotional maturity is being able to regulate our own emotions, being able to talk ourselves down when our prefrontal cortex gets flooded. And this is important for our relationships because we can't have difficult conversations when we're flooded easily and often. And this is a huge part of the "managing your mind work" that I do with you all. When we can manage our thoughts better, we get flooded less often. And this is the thought model that I work with you. Let's figure out, I'm feeling angry. Like what is the thought that's creating that? Let's really work into our thoughts. Let's see how that anger plays out in our actions. When we can start pulling all these little pieces together or pulling them apart and seeing how the pieces work, seeing how our thoughts create stuff and and really pulling those thoughts apart. Are those thoughts true? Are they not true? Are they helpful? Are they not helpful? Then we can really start to become more emotionally regulated. We cannot understand the importance of learning to see others with grace and kindness and compassion dropping the shoulds and allowing others the agency to show up however they want. This is where phrases that we've talked about like, "of course she's responding that way," and "yep, that's on brand for her." Those phrases can come in really handy. They help us manage our thoughts so we don't get flooded as easily and we can be more accepting of how others are choosing to show up in and live their lives.

16:44

Okay, number five, another way that we can be a better partner is to get out of our comfort zone. A lot of us will use phrases like, "oh, it just doesn't feel like me," or "it doesn't feel authentic," when in reality what we are being asked of us, or what we're feeling like we could do, doesn't have anything to do with authenticity. It has much more to do with discomfort or even laziness. To be a better partner requires that we are aware of the other person's wants and desires and needs and that we seek to show up in ways that will communicate that we want to be part of making their lives easier. It may not feel natural for you to use a lot of verbal expression in praising your spouse, or it may not feel comfortable for you to reach out and give them a hug. And yet if you know that this form of communication really connects with them, it's time to step into some vulnerability and engage in ways that you know will help them feel loved. Even showing up with the kinds of honesty, openness, and vulnerability that we often talk about here may be way out of your comfort zone. And yet there is no growth in our personal lives or in our relationships inside the comfort zone. What we're not talking about here is acting out of alignment with your values. We don't want to sacrifice our values in an effort to people-please someone else. But I don't think giving a sincere compliment that feels uncomfortable is acting out of anyone's alignment. So give the compliment, give the hug. Even if it means you have to move into your courage zone, your courage zone is where your growth is. Step into it way more often in your marriage.

18:33

Number six: being a better partner means that we have to be more honest. I know we've talked a lot about this in the past and I will continue to talk about it in the future. We cannot be an equal partner if we're not being honest. And I will say this is probably the biggest impact. The biggest thing that is making this marriage so much different than my last marriage is both of us stepping into more honesty. This kind of honesty really requires that we, first of all, stop lying to ourselves about our wants and needs, about the things that are important to both of us individually and within our relationships. And second of all, stop lying to your partner about what you're okay with and not okay with. This doesn't mean we have harsh and unkind discussions about all the things they're doing wrong. It does mean that we have loving and kind discussions about how things are impacting us and about our struggles surrounding them. Being honest means we stop saying "we're fine" when we're not. It means we stop agreeing to things we don't want to do. It really means we step into the discomfort of being honest. And I think so many of us are so comfortable being dishonest because we've done it for so long. It's easier to discount our own emotions and our wants and needs than to be honest and to risk causing waves. But waves move us. This dishonesty about even the small things is eroding away our relationships and destroying it long term. If you want your relationship to last, a better partner will learn how to be more honest in kind and loving ways.

20:24

K, number seven: another great way to be a better partner is to focus on the things you are really grateful for in the person that you've chosen. I know from previous experience that often expressing gratitude feels so difficult because we think that the other person doesn't deserve it after all of their shenanigans. And yet, Adam Miller, as he's taught in the book "Original Grace," we've talked about this before, he says "showing grace to another person is not giving them what they deserve, it's giving them what they need." So if we're really going to love in a Christlike way, we have to stop thinking in terms of what people deserve and start thinking in terms of what people need. And we all need to feel the gratitude of the people that we love. Even your spouse, who may be being a jerk, they need to feel gratitude. Let's make sure that we are starting from a place of clean love. A thank you, said with a bit of an attitude, is not gonna go very far. But a sincere heartfelt thank you, will soften two hearts: yours and theirs. When we learn to look for the things our partner is doing well, the things we really are grateful for, it increases the love in our hearts and perpetuates more gratitude and more doing of kind things.

21:50

When we are constantly looking for the things our partner is messing up on, it will create more and more angst in our hearts, our hearts will fill with resentment, it will push out the love, and we will struggle to feel love for them. And gratitude can show up in so many ways beyond words. What are things that you can do to show greater gratitude? Remember, they're often the really small things. How about offering to get them a drink when they're already sitting down? Or giving them a slow hug and a kiss and expressing gratitude. What about a five minute shoulder rub when you know they've been working hard on a project? Okay, here's the deal. I know that if you're in a tough relationship, these small things can seem huge, sometimes insurmountable. I remember how big they seemed in my previous marriage. And yet if you are wanting healing, step into focusing on the good stuff and expressing gratitude for the amazing things you are seeing and experiencing. Even if it's super small stuff that you're seeing, noticing and expressing gratitude will do so much more to create a safe space for them to step up into more if they decide to than if we are ignoring and dismissing their small efforts. These are all things that Sione and I work on quite a bit, but expressing gratitude is something that we really put a lot of effort into: really noticing. and appreciating the things that each other is doing for us. And it makes a big difference. My desire to engage when I know that he sees and appreciates what I'm doing makes a big difference. And I don't think it's cause I'm super weird abnormal person. I think I'm a pretty normal person as far as that goes. We all love to have our efforts acknowledged and seen. So give your spouse some more gratitude.

23:47

Alright. And number eight: if you want to be a better partner, put forth the effort necessary to become a better version of yourself. If you need more energy to engage at higher levels, you may need to address your physical exercise, your eating, or your sleeping schedule. If your spouse goes to bed earlier than you, it may be time to figure out how to get your stuff done earlier so you can go to bed more often together so you have time to cuddle and chat and connect. How are you caring for your spirituality? Regardless of what your church situation is, your spirituality is an important aspect of who you are. Are you taking care of it?

24:26

If you are struggling to address many of the things we talked about here on the podcast, it just may be time to invest in yourself for a change and get some one-on-one coaching or take some classes. Many women feel very uncomfortable investing money in themselves. They will spend thousands on their children or on a trip to Disneyland with their grandkids, but when it comes to investing in something just for them, that will help them become a better version, they balk. Be willing to invest in something that you feel will help you move forward into a better version. It could be coaching. It could be finally getting that university degree that you've wanted. It could be a personal coach at the gym or a gym membership. It may be one of Jennifer, Finlayson-Fife's sexuality courses, but I promise you are worth the investment. When you feel better, more centered, more aware of who you are and what your wants and needs are, you will be a better spouse.

25:31

So I like to think of us as having five different areas that are important for us to address regularly. Those are the mental, the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, and the sexual. And from the podcast with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife last week, you may remember that I shared my disconnect with my sexual self in my previous marriage, and it was throwing me out of sync. Because when I realized that I was missing this element, I could see myself as a five-sided spaceship. My mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual were all off the ground. They were trying to soar. They were just like, you know, roaring the engines and saying, "I want to grow. I want to do stuff." But my sexual self was keeping the rest of the ship grounded because I had not addressed anything about my sexuality. I had just kind of dismissed it and didn't really know that it made such a huge difference. But after I started doing the work with her and listening to other podcasts and doing stuff to step into my sexual self and as it has lifted from the ground, I feel like the other four elements have been untethered and my capacity for growth is unmeasurable at this point. I feel like all aspects of that are now growing because we're no longer grounded. We have to be willing to take care of ourselves if we are going to be a better partner. This is a huge, huge part of becoming more emotionally mature and growing up.

 27:08

Okay, so there's eight things that you can do to be a better partner. I promise you, we have the capacity to be better regardless of how your spouse is showing up. You can clean things up. You can be better now. Now, it's not going to mean that they're going to change their behaviors. They may not. And that's okay. I have clients I work with who say, "listen, they may not ever change, but I want to feel better about how I'm showing up." And I have other clients that come and they're like, "listen, I'm thinking about getting divorced. And I want to find out, I want to know, is this a good choice? Is it, I want to know, I want to be able to make a decision and not constantly be looking over my shoulder." And we help them clean up a lot of this stuff and get to a place where they can see how their spouse is reacting. And they may say, "okay, I've cleaned up a lot of stuff. It's not okay. It's time to go." And they may clean up a lot of stuff and say, "wow, things have changed a lot when I clean up all my stuff." I had one client several weeks ago who just finished up with me and was just exactly in that space when she cleaned up a lot of her stuff. She found that it was so much more manageable and that their relationship was actually much better than she thought it was at the beginning. Okay, so let's be a better partner. Let's do the things that it takes to show up a better version of ourselves.

28:37

Okay, this is a huge part of growing up and growing up is the bomb of middle age. I love, love what this work has created in me and the relationship that it is allowing me to create not just with Sione, but with my adult children, with my siblings, with other people in my life. I just feel like I am showing up so much better and I feel great about that and I treat people so much better than I used to. Okay, that's going to do it for me my friends. Have an awesome, awesome week. Be a better partner this week, will you? Step into it. and then drop me a line, let me know how it goes for you and what you're figuring out. Have a great week, see you next time, bye.

29:24

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.

Now, this is not to say that I don't think examples are important. I have so many amazing people that I look to for examples in my own life, but they're not setting themselves up as examples. In fact, when I mention that I see them as an example for me, they're generally a little bit taken aback and they're like, "oh, wow, well, okay, that's nice?" Like, they're just staying in their own lane, doing their own thing. and I'm able to look at them and see them as an example. And there are some things in my life that I'm really good at. Might people see that and use me as an example for something that they want to move toward? Very possibly. And if that's the case, I'm really glad and really honored that I can be that for them. But being an example is a byproduct of my choices. It is not the goal of my choices. And I really believe that learning to stay in our own lane comes down to accepting the agency that God has made such a vital part of His plan. When I accept and honor the agency of others, it is so much easier for me to stay in my own lane. When I struggle to accept and honor the agency of others, I feel the need to take over their choices so that they can make decisions that I feel are better for them, and oftentimes, they can make decisions that will feel better to me. Whether those decisions are huge, seemingly life-changing decisions, or whether they are small day-to-day decisions, what other people choose is really none of my business. What is my business is how I respond to their choices. Do I stay in my own lane? Do I choose to be loving? Do I choose to be accepting to be non-judgmental? Do I choose to create a space where they can show up honestly with me? Honest about who they really are and know that they're not going to be rejected and judged. This is staying in my lane, focusing on my own behavior, my own thoughts and feelings. And what actions am I putting into other people's circumstance line? That's what I have control over. I have control of what I put in their circumstance line. I have zero control over what they think and feel and do. Letting go of that is staying in my own lane.

25:44

Okay, and this has been a huge learning curve for me. And I'm gonna tell you, I didn't learn it till after 50. Okay, I'm 55 and I did not learn this concept, this idea. I didn't even think that I was crossing boundaries and getting in other people's lane. I just thought I was being super helpful, right? That people needed my help, that they couldn't do it without me. But they didn't know it, so I had to step in and let them know that they needed me, that they needed my help. Now, if people seem to be struggling, my goal is to offer validation for their struggle and extend empathy as much as is possible and to approach them with compassion. I try really hard not to offer advice to fill displeasure with their choice, to think that I could do it better., to get judge-y about why they are where they are. I'm not perfect at this, it's still a work in progress, but I am so much better than I was just five years ago. And if I want to share something I've learned or that I feel may be touchy, I always ask permission. Well, okay, "always" is probably a bit of a hyperbole. I really try to make sure that I always ask for permission, although I'm sure that there are people in my life who would say, "I remember a time in the last recent little bit," right? But I'm trying to really increase my awareness. So with my adult kids, sometimes they say that yes, I can share. Even with my kids that are not spiritual, sometimes and I say, "can I share something, you know, some of my own spiritual thoughts or experiences with you?"And they'll say "yes", right? It's not like they're anti-me or anti-spirituality. They're just not choosing that for them. But I can share, but I always ask permission first, always, there it is again. I really try hard to ask permission every time. I'm sure I don't.

27:41

And sometimes, guess what? Sometimes my kids say no, that they don't want to hear what I have to say. And if they say yes, I work really hard to share my experience without being preachy. I use phrases like, "I'd just like to offer." And after I share, I let go of it, not having any expectation that they will do anything with what I've shared. And if they say no, I respect their no. I don't ask them if they're sure. I don't ask them again. I move back into offering love and support. Now, before I learned to do this, I hurt a lot of relationships, thinking that I knew better, that I needed to fix all the broken people, that they couldn't do it without me. And that was not a place of safety for the people I love. They were constantly feeling like they couldn't meet my expectations. They were constantly feeling like they were never doing it good enough for me. And in that, I became a very unsafe place for them. I know, especially with my children, because we have had this conversation, well, with three of the four of my children, we've had this conversation about how I created such an unsafe space for them. And they would keep themselves at a distance. They would not show up honestly. And instead, they would show up a pretend version of themselves so that I would be happy. Okay, they were showing up trying to manage my discomfort. I have a podcast on that one too. It's called "Imaginary Friends." Go back and check that one out. And I don't have the number on that one either, because that one just came to my mind. But it's probably about two years ago. But do I really want my children showing up fake, pretending that there's something else? I don't. If I want to have a real, genuine, honest, equal relationship with them, they have to have the freedom to show up as themselves, knowing I'm not being afraid of my judgment. And now that I've learned to stay in my own lane better, my children can show up as them, not a pretend version of them. They don't worry that I'm going to reject them and they feel safe sharing personal details with me. And it's been a beautiful, sweet part of my relationship with my kids that they will share things with me that they know I don't live that way. I don't do those things, but they share it with me because they know that I'm a safe space. And that's creating a stronger, better relationship for both of us. 30:28 And I'll tell you what, in moving in this space, living more in this space of staying in my own lane, my marriage relationship is 100% different this time around than it was in my previous marriage. Learning to stay in my own lane in this relationship has had a significant impact because there is a lot of acceptance of what my husband puts on the table. And there's very little to no rejection. I'm really proud of what I'm doing and how I'm showing up here. It's pretty opposite of how I showed up before, but I'm able to just let him put his things on the table and go, "oh, I see. That helps me see you better. It helps me understand you better." And I don't feel the need to rearrange his pieces on the table. I don't feel the need to try and fix them up and make a couple of tweaks or take it back to my circle. My husband knows that he can share his deep and dark thoughts and struggles with me, and I'm getting pretty good at looking at the stuff on the table and leaving it alone, showing compassion and empathy for them, but not trying to fix them. Staying in our own lane also exudes trust in the other person's ability to manage their own lives and trust is a foundational element of every good and healthy relationship.

31:55

Okay, staying in your own lane is a life changer. Give it a try. And if you're just like, “oh, I am swerving all over the place and I don't know how to stop. I'm out of control," go to tanyahale.com, book a free consultation with me. You can get that at the top. There's a tab that says "free consultation," click on that, get on my calendar, find a time that works for you. And let's talk about coaching. Let's talk about how it can help you learn how to stay in your own lane better, how to clean up these relationships. I do a lot of coaching with people who are in tough marriage relationships and we just talk about learning how to stay in your own lane. We're not trying to fix your spouse because we don't have any control over that. We're learning how to manage our own stuff, how to stay in our own lane. And I do a lot of parenting for adult people who have adult kids and parents are having a hard time staying in their own lane. And it's amazing to me.

32:55

I had a client just a couple of weeks ago who after six weeks of coaching on her adult children just showed up and was just like, "oh my gosh, life is so good." And she probably spent the first three sessions crying almost the whole time because it was so painful and so hard. And she kept trying to just swerve into their lane and learning how to stay in her own lane has paid dividends for her. It took six weeks. Now, we're still working on stuff because I work with my clients in 12 week increments, but so amazing. So amazing to see her grow. She's worked her butt off to have that growth, but that's what coaching is. It's not an easy, peasy ride. Coaching is difficult. It's hard. It's painful. But it's so worth the work. So worth the work. I promise you that. My life is completely different and completely different in the most incredible and amazing way. And this is what coaching can offer. So these concepts here are really, really great. You can learn a lot. You can apply a lot and even if you can get with friends and listen to these concepts and talk about them and and flesh them out more and figure things out. That's a great thing to do. But if you feel like you're getting in over your head and you just feel like "I'm not seeing anything, I see the results because my relationships are horrible. But I'm not seeing what I'm doing that's contributing to that," that's what coaching can help you with.

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Okay. That's going to do it for me, my friends. Good stuff. So glad you were here with me today. Wish you all the best, have an amazing week, and I will see you next time. Bye.

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Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.