00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 238: "Overflow." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:19 

Well, hello there, my dear friends. Thank you for joining me on the podcast today. Hey, couple of things before we get started. My Mastermind classes are up and ready to go. I'm going to start those on February 1st. I am doing two mastermind classes. One is called "Better Relationships" and the other is called "Healing and Moving Forward After Divorce." If you get my email every Friday or every weekend, really, you should have gotten an email just yesterday about it, so check that out. If you do not get my email, you can go to my website, TanyaHale.com, and up at the top there's a tab called "Masterminds" that will have the information on it that you need. You can check those out and see if those appeal to you, if that's the kind of content that you're interested in learning about. If you do not know what a Mastermind is, it is basically a deep dive discussion group. So every week you would have a few podcasts to listen to, you would have some discussion questions to consider, and then we come together in a small group, no more than eight of us, well nine, including me, but no more than nine. It's a pretty small group, and we come together and we discuss, and we talk about these, and everybody has amazing stuff to share and everybody has a perspective and an insight that we can all benefit from. And so I really, really love the Masterminds because I feel like I learn a lot from you as well, and I love that I get to facilitate these discussions. They're just super fun for me. So if that's something that interests you, let's jump on it, and let's get these filled up. They will close just the day before, on January 31st they close if they haven't filled up already. So go ahead and check those out. 

02:09 

Alright, we are going to jump into the podcast today. We are talking about overflow. So when I was a young mom I remember hearing about the "filling your cup" analogy and I'm sure that most of you have heard this. You remember this from about the 90s? It's probably been around much longer than that but that's when I was exposed to it for the first time. Well, it's still around today. I still hear people make reference to it. The premise is that when we do things that energize us, self-care type of things, we fill our cups or our emotional capacity. When we go out to serve others, when we are expending energy for others, we are draining our cups. The idea is that it is important to keep a balance between the two so that our cups never run dry. So that we're always filling our cups, and draining our cup and filling our cup and draining our cup. So we're constantly keeping a reservoir in our cup so that we can give and serve others. So while on the surface, this seemed like a great analogy. It also seems to keep us in a constant state of hustle as we're constantly ebbing and flowing between feeling drained and filling ourselves up and then feeling drained and needing to fill ourselves up again. And I just kind of didn't think about it much. And I just took it for granted that this is how life works. 

03:25 

But here's the thing. When we feel drained, it feels kind of horrible. And I know I talk about the 50-50 of life, that there is always good and always bad happening in our lives and that we're not supposed to be happy all the time. But I don't think having a full cup means that we're not experiencing challenges. I think that having a full cup means that I have the energy to do the things I want to and that I have the perspective to move in the direction that I want to and need to. I think it means that I'm in a state of feeling content and purposeful. Feeling as though I can be of use in the world and to the people around me when needed. But if I feel that full feeling only to do a good turn and end up feeling drained, that just seems like a lot of unnecessary extra work for me. And when I expend so much of myself doing for others, it seems that draining my cup to the bone dry bottom is not only inevitable at times, but it also seems pretty counterproductive to me. At that point, it takes so much checking out of my life in an attempt to fill my cup back up that I may spend days or even weeks working to get myself back to a point that I feel I have something to give back. That just doesn't seem like a very effective plan to me, as well as I'm going to be honest, it doesn't seem seem like something I want to have to do or something that Heavenly Father would want from me either. We know the stories of Christ taking a nap on the ship or spending some time alone to then meet his apostles out on the water, but from what we know, he never got to the point where he hit rock bottom and needed to check out of life for an extended period of time. And I want to use his example as a place to start for myself. So I believe there's a better way to look at this cup analogy. I want to share with you some ideas today that have expanded my understanding of what it means to have a full cup. 

05:30 

First, I have to acknowledge that I am the only one who can fill my cup. I can have amazing people in my life who love me and serve me and who have my back, but ultimately, if I'm not taking care of filling my own cup, it will run dry. No one else is responsible for filling my cup because in reality, no one else will know what to put in it. And we don't fill our cups, unfortunately, with massages and manis and pedis. Okay, those are great. I love them as much as the next person. Don't get me wrong. But when we talk about having a life full of purpose and meaning and being truly content with our lives, there is so much more that needs to happen. Manis and pedis won't cut it. It is something that has to happen in our brains, something that shifts us from living in the scarcity of constantly feeling like we need to be filling ourselves up so that we don't get drained, to a state of living in abundance, of feeling full all the time. 

06:40 

Okay, now I'm gonna shift just a bit, because second I wanna talk about self-sacrifice and martyrdom. So many of us have had ideas put in our heads that we are only truly serving others when it hurts, when it is taking something from us. To me, it's this false idea that suffering is a virtue, that when we give and it hurts, that it does more good in the world than if we give and it doesn't hurt. Now, I remember the story in the Bible of the widow's mite and I feel like I understand some of what Christ was teaching with that story. The idea that sacrifice for God is important and that we should do good things for God, and not for the recognition of others. But sacrificing to the point of leaving myself destitute either emotionally or physically, I don't think is required from God because if I leave myself completely empty, I cannot be of much use to God. Now, might there be exceptions? Probably, because God very often does work with exceptions. But I feel that if I give and give and give emotionally and end up depressed and anxious and exhausted and then it takes me several weeks to recover, I'm not sure that that's healthy or helpful to me or to God because this is when we start running into sleeplessness and illnesses and anxiety and depression. And this sort of action makes our brains want to go into being the victim, the martyr if you will. Now we're not talking about clinically depressed, depression kind of stuff, right? That's something else. So we're just keeping this on what we do. But when we move into this martyr place, we end up powerless to move, to create, to expand. Because guess what? Our cup is empty. And poor us, we have given our all and have nothing left to give. So now our natural human brain inclination is to play the martyr, a place where we want everyone to notice that we have given up so much. Now, I know that everybody doesn't do this, but it's a natural tendency for so many of us humans, myself included. So as I'm preparing this podcast, I'm sitting in an airport. If you remember, on the plane, they always tell us that in the event of an emergency, if the air masks drop, we need to put our own mask on first. That's because if we're passed out because of a lack of oxygen, we're not much help to anyone. And I really struggle to believe that God wants us to be so empty that we can no longer be of service to those around us, and then especially play the martyr role when we do and end up damaging our relationships that way. 

09:42 

Now, I also recognize that as women, we've often been so conditioned, probably genetically as well as socially, to be the caregivers, the ones who always serve and put others first. We have this idea that we need to make sure that everyone else in our life has been taken care of first and is happy, and then we can eat from the scraps of what's left. But guess what? Everyone else is never finished being taken care of. Everyone else is never happy, and this is where we end up breaking down, sobbing alone in our bedroom so that nobody sees us and we don't upset them, or feeling broken and lonely while we're sitting in a room full of people. With Christmas having just ended, I just recently watched the Saturday Night Live skit entitled "Christmas Morning." It kind of embodies this idea. Everyone has all of these great presents, and they're cheering and they're singing about them. They have loads and loads of presents, and mom gets a robe. And kids get more and more and more presents, and mom gets a new robe. I'm like, well, I got a robe. And at the end, even the dog got a boatload of presents. But the dog also got a robe, right? And it's somehow we see that this as how it should be. But meanwhile, mom is feeling resentful, and that never turns out well. We cannot ever serve love from a cup of resentment. 

11:11 

And these empty or worse resentment filled cups lead to burnout and breakdown in one form or another. We may shut down emotionally and stop communicating and give up trying in our most important relationships, or we may step into the martyr position in a desperate attempt to be seen and have our efforts be acknowledged. So where am I going with all this? This last year, I came across a video with a friend who was a little bit of a fan of mine. Oprah and Brené Brown. And Oprah said something that shifted this whole concept for me. Brené asked Oprah about a voice in her head that she has to struggle with consistently to keep herself where she wants to be. And Oprah responded that the phrases "Who do you think you are?" And "you're full of yourself," were two that were big for her that that tried to keep her down. And then she said this that was life changing for me. She said, "I used to fear hearing the term 'who do you think you are' or 'you must be pretty full of yourself.' Now I work at being full. I want to be so full, I am overflowing. So when you see me coming, it ought to make you proud. What you see as a woman so full, I'm overflowing with enough to share with everyone else. I'm going to own the fullness without ego, without arrogance, but with an amazing sense of gratitude that I've been born at this time where I am female on the planet and have the great pleasure of and freedom to fill myself up." 

12:47 

Okay, what is that? It is amazing. Obviously she isn't using the term "full of yourself" to mean conceded or thinking she's better than others. But think of the imagery here in the context of the cup analogy: so full that she is constantly overflowing. Always having enough to share with others without depleting herself, without feeling drained. And this, my friends, is the win-win: always being full and feeling amazing and always available and able to share our abundance. When our systems are so well-oiled that we have developed such a constant flow of energy coming in that it then overflows and we always have enough and to spare. Then we can stay in the a space of being able to give and serve. And I believe that this is what Christ was able to accomplish and maintain in a space of always being full and giving from the overflow. He never ran out. 

13:52 

The old cup analogy has us often waiting until we felt drained before we could stop to fill our cup. And then we have to take a break from giving and serving in order to replenish. This new analogy has us keeping ourselves so full that we are always overflowing and we never run out. From this space, we are serving from a place of love and not obligation or resentment or victim or martyr mentality. We are not serving from a place of people pleasing where we are seeking to gain other people's 

approval. Obligation, resentment, people pleasing, all of these are energy drainers. It's like they double down on the draining and we drain twice or three times as fast. We can't ever get to overflowing when we're draining faster than we can feel. So we have to clean that stuff up. From an overflowing cup, we can serve with clean love, not seeking for alternate forms of reimbursement to return what we've lost from our cups. 

15:05 

So here's the question. What really fills our cups? What can we do to get to a state of overflowing? Well, I'm glad you asked. Okay, so many of the things we talk about here on the podcast are the way. We are, as Oprah said, so full of ourselves, meaning we are so full of our purpose and our meaning, of our direction, so full of good, clean love that we can't help but produce more energy than we expand. No part of this context means that we think we're better or worse than others. There actually isn't any form of comparison here at all when we're full of ourselves this way. There's no one-upping and one downing. To me, this refers to us being so clear on who we are, on what we feel called to do in this life, on the contribution we can make. We may not know the end game, but we feel clear and confident with the path we are on and the direction we are heading. We're also not perfect, but we are full of purpose, and we are approaching this space from a place of love and not a place of fear. And the love is a really clean love, meaning we give it freely, with zero expectation of the other person to respond in a way that we expect. 

16:33 

For me, I have found that so much of my purpose is learning to love better, to have a really big love that shows up even in the most difficult of circumstances. I'm still working on it, to be sure, but my awareness is so much higher than it used to be. So much of my purpose is tapping into not only what speaks to my soul, but also saying and do. This podcast and my coaching are a huge part of this for me. And I believe that we find big purpose when we engage in self development, not because it makes us more worthy or better than anyone else, but because it changes our experience in the world. When I can love more freely and more deeply, it absolutely changes the experience I have when I engage with others, whether it be in my most important relationships or with strangers I encounter out in the world. I find more purpose and meaning as I do the tough things that help me to create the kinds of relationships I really want. Tough discussions, right? When I seek to really be honest and kind. When I work to have the really tough discussions in loving and compassionate ways. When I seek to engage with and connect to God and Christ. These things create amazing energy. 

18:07 

Here's what I've noticed for me: those things take some energy to engage in, for sure. For me to work to manage my mind around a tough relationship, to show up loving when I want to be snarky and passive aggressive...it absolutely takes energy and mindfulness. To discipline myself to sit down and work out the content for a podcast. Yes, it takes energy and focus. But after I've engaged the way I want. That's when I get a flood of affirmation energy, a huge confidence boost, a feeling of purpose and direction that I am moving in the way that I really want to. That I am becoming the person I know I'm capable of. I think it's my spirit rejoicing saying, "yes, we're getting closer." And I think it's God's Spirit affirming that I'm going the direction that God needs me to go. These are the things that start to create an overflow. Because though they take some energy to engage in initially, the flood of energy that comes back from them is huge, more than what was initially expended. And it fills me to overflowing. 

19:28 

So how do we get to this point? I have a few suggestions, although absolutely this list is not exclusive. First, I would take some time to have a serious evaluation of what's really important in your life. Remember when you were a young mom and had several littles running around all day and yet you also wanted this Pinterest perfect home, although Pinterest wasn't a thing when we were kids, when we were young moms, but we wanted this perfect home. And yet to be the engaged mom that we really wanted to be, we had to hit a point where we realized that we couldn't do it all. So we learned to let go of the Pinterest perfection. We learned to say "no" to things that didn't serve us. We learned to put off that amazing trip with our spouse because it just wasn't time for that. So the same type of thinking has to happen in midlife. We really need to look around at what really are the most important things for us and start saying "no" more often. And for some of us that means saying "no" to our adult children or our grandchildren sometimes. Okay, but here's the thing, it's all so personal. And we all need to tap into our own calling to the things that feel as though they connect us with what we feel God has called us to do here on the earth. And sometimes we need to say "yes" more often to things that may scare or intimidate us, but that are calling to our souls. I'm a firm believer that our spirits know our calling, our spirits know what contribution we can make here. And if we listen to the small nudges, that we will find our purpose. But here's the thing, our purpose is almost always outside of our comfort zone. And it requires that we do some things that scare us and push us. 

21:26 

Something else I think that helps us to step into our purpose is realizing that the whole world does not rest on our shoulders. We often have a tendency to take on so much and to feel that if we don't do it, it won't get done and then the whole stack of cards will come falling down. Sometimes though, I think we go into exhausting hyperdrive, trying to cover all the bases. And though we may get a lot done, we are draining more than we are feeling. And here's something else to consider. Maybe 

you're not only exhausting yourself, but maybe you are taking over doing things that someone else could be doing that would help them to grow and develop and fill their cups to overflowing. 

22:16 

Another thing I believe we can do to move ourselves into overflowing is to find our creative space. I see our interests and our ideas and our desires and our dreams as our spirit speaking to us, nudging us toward what will help us find our purpose and direction. And "creative" doesn't necessarily mean painting or crafting or performing in the theater. What can you create that hasn't existed before? I was stuck for a lot of years not creating because I'm not an artsy crafty sort of person. I remember listening to Brene Brown's, one of her things and she talked about to be a wholehearted person, one of the pieces of that was to be creative and I was just like, "I don't know what I'm creative at. I'm not creative," right? Because all I was connecting that with was like artsy crafty and that's not my thing, right? But I have always felt the nudge to engage in self development, even since I was a teenager. And I was intrigued in later years by the idea of being a Life Coach. And I was intrigued by that for a lot of years before I actually moved in that direction. And when I finally followed that nudge, I stepped up and I got a Life Coach certification...the dominoes started falling for me. And following that nudge was not always comfortable. I was told by someone as I was just beginning that my life coach journey that no one would want or trust a life coach who had been divorced. I had some mind work to do around that and it made it scary for me to continue to pursue this dream. But I pushed forward and this has been one of the most creative pursuits of my life, especially this podcast. And I remember when I just had started listening to podcasts, I have been listening for maybe two or three weeks. And all of a sudden one day I was like, "oh, this is my venue. This is my thing. I need to do a podcast." And this was about, oh, probably about six months before I started to get my coach certification from the life coach school. And I just felt like podcasts were brand new to me, but I was like, "oh, this is my thing." And I moved on it. 

24:47 

It took me about five or six months to get it off the ground and to get started. But I did. And I feel like this is my creative outlet, doing this for you. This podcast allows me to create content every single week and it has filled my cup to overflowing. Putting this information out every week allows me to explore my own ideas, to think deeply about topics that I care about, and then to serve and help others by making that information available to them. Before doing this podcast, I would not have really thought of this as being creative, but it has been so fulfilling. It has given meaning and purpose to my life. So find your creative. Whatever it is for you, find it. Explore it. Create it. Listen to those nudges. And I'm going to suggest that binge watching someone else's creativity is not being creative, it's just being a consumer. You may love watching cooking shows, but make sure you're not just consuming the cooking shows, but that then you're turning around and creating things in the kitchen as well. Right? 

26:09 

You can only engage with your creativity, however, when you make time for it. And this is the last suggestion I have for you. Make time for yourself to think and to process and to listen to your spirit. This is sometimes called "white space" and we have to create white space in our schedule in order to have time to understand ourselves and to create. And maybe for a while it means just sitting there with a pad of paper and a pen thinking about what you want to do with your time, giving your brain space and time to put pieces together and your spirit the ability to speak to you. But investing in us, in discovering us, in finding us, is vital to our feeling full, and filling full to overflowing. I'm a firm believer that our spirit knows exactly what our purpose and calling in life is, and when we learn to listen to our Spirit to follow those small nudges we've talked about. that our spirit will lead us to our purpose in life. This is when we will find our meaning and our calling. But we will only hear our spirit speaking to us when we quiet down, when we make time for ourselves and create space for our spirit to speak. Whatever that means for you. Make time for it. Empty space in your calendar so that you can spend time connecting with yourself. Because when we engage with ourselves, when we step into our purpose and our calling, then the things we are engaging in are things that create more energy than they consume and we find this space of overflow. We become a fountain continually flowing, continually able to serve and give and love without the depletion. That can come from going against the flow. Going with the current always gets us farther than going against the current. So when we find our current, our unique path in life, doing what our spirit is leading us to do, we have more energy, we create more energy than we consume. And this is the concept of overflow. This is what I believe we are sent here to earth to do, to get to a space of overflow. 

29:00 

And we do this in middle age. I love growing up. This is like the best time of life. We are connecting with ourselves in ways we're not even capable of doing when we were younger. This is it, my friends. Let's step into it. Let's learn how to overflow. Let's get out of the hustle of the "fill and deplete and the fill and the deplete" and let's move into overflow. You have got this. I believe in you. You can do it. If you need some help from me, you can go to tanyahale.com, you can set up a free 30- minute consult. We can talk about coaching and see if it's a good fit for you. It might be it might not be and that's fine. I'm never gonna hard sell you because it may not be your time and it may not be good for you. But I'd love to invite you to come check it out and see what you think. Alright, my friends That's gonna do it for us today. Have a beautiful beautiful week. I love you. Thanks for being here with me and thank you for helping me fulfill my purpose in life and getting to share this amazing information with you. Have a great one and I'll see you next week. Bye. 

30:18 

Thank you so much for joining me today If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.