Tanya Hale 00:00 

Hey there, this is Tanya Hale with Intentional Living and this is episode number 23, "Divorce and the Kids Part 2." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

Tanya Hale 00:22 

Okay, well, welcome back. So this is part two of Divorce and the Kids. Today I'm going to continue this conversation with Allison, my 19 year old daughter, about the divorce and the effect that it had on her. Last time we talked a little bit about her initial responses, some struggles and challenges. She's gone through some things that her dad and I have done that have hurt and helped. And today she's going to discuss a little bit more about how she came to terms with the divorce, some good things that have come of it, some future concerns that she has and also some advice that she would have for parents who are getting divorced and who have kids as well. So here we go, continuing on. 

Tanya Hale 00:57 

Let's talk about how you kind of came to terms with the whole divorce issue because that was a process for you as well, right? 

Allison 01:09 

So divorce, I really didn't come to terms with it until over three years after it. 

Tanya Hale 01:16 

So just within the last year? 

Allison 01:18 

Yeah, so just in the fall semester, just barely. And I thought I had gotten over it and I hadn't. I had gotten over having to switch houses, having to move back and forth. I had gotten over having two different lives, but I really hadn't gotten over the divorce. But the thing that really helped is I saw the benefits of it. I saw you growing and changing, completely transforming the woman that you were. You're completely different. Like I don't even recognize you. And I feel like my dad did the same. He changed and he grew and I saw the benefits of such a horrible situation that was the end of the world for me. I saw how both of you were extremely happier. I saw you completely change and start to follow your dreams. You know, I saw my dad just settle down and kind of figure himself out a little bit. So I was able to see the benefits. And then I also feel... I talked to both both parents. So you initiated the talks and taught me lessons from it and explained things to me. And I was like, okay. So then I started asking my dad follow-up questions that I had from our conversations. So I was really able to get as much as possible a full view of the divorce and that really helped me to understand the divorce in such a deep way, it allowed me to then...once I figured out your guys's, yours and dad's point of view, and kind of dealt with the divorce in that way I was able to turn it toward myself. And I was really able to tackle it this last semester. 

Allison 03:42 

That was one of the hardest things that I have done. It was hard looking inside of myself and so I wrote this paper in my English class. And the class was writing about poverty and we could take it any way we wanted and I chose...I remember I walked into my teacher's office and I was like "so I have a good idea for this paper" and he's like "okay, give it to me," and I was like "well, why there seems to be a scarcity of emotional connection and romantic relationships." And he looks at me for about two seconds and says "that is a good topic," and I replied with "yeah, but I'm not gonna write it." "What do you mean you're not gonna write it?" "I'm not gonna write it. It's too scary, it's too intimate, it's too personal. I'm not I'm not going there." And I was in his classroom four, five times throughout the semester just completely "I can't write this I I need to find a new topic," "Allison, it's two weeks before the 15 page papers due." "I don't care. I'm finding a new topic. I can't finish this paper. I can't do this." 

Allison 05:10 

So facing it was something and writing it down was something I had never thought of. I never thought of writing it down, but being able to coherently put into words the thoughts and the feelings that I'd had in the last couple years, I really was able to get past a lot of things. I just remember most of the time as I was writing there were just tears streaming down my face. I was just typing through tears, just getting it out there because I really, it wasn't something I could come to terms with, just letting it do pushing it under the carpet anymore. I realized that it was affecting me to the point where every time some little glitch came up, I had another little mental breakdown about the divorce and about family. And I really needed to just get over it and get done and have it be something that wasn't affecting me every single day of my life and every minute of every day and just to face it and actually think about it. And just confronting it really allowed me to come to terms with it and get over it. 

Tanya Hale 06:40 

Yeah you also started going to see a counselor during that time as well. 

Allison 06:45 

Yeah she didn't so much as counsel so much as life coach. Because I applied there but they were so backed up that it took about three months from when I applied to actually get into counseling. So I applied when I first started writing my paper and I got in once I had finished my paper and it about a month after I finished my paper. So I was ready to confront it. I felt like I was pretty much over it; she just helped me with lingering issues and how to talk about it with my family and stuff like that. But she didn't so much as counsel because I had kind of done that on my own through writing the 15-page paper about emotional intelligence. 

Tanya Hale 07:48 

But that was a process where you actually, I mean, for a long time you just buffered or you numbed out a lot of the feelings and you had to hit a point where you were able to face those feelings and look at those feelings and figure out what those feelings were and what they meant, right?Aand it seems like that's when you really really turned a corner with being in a better place. 

Tanya Hale 08:10 

Okay so let's talk about some of the ways that the divorce has benefited your life. 

Allison 08:15 

So I touched on the life lessons that you've learned from the divorce that you've taught me, so boundaries is one of the ones that you just praise. 

Tanya Hale 08:24 

I'm a big boundaries fan for sure. 

Allison 08:28 

Definitely boundaries is one of those. I feel I had this crisis, when it first happened, of family is not important, everyone is going to leave you. But family is important. And when it's broken, it really makes such a huge difference, and it affected my life so much because it was so important. And I just really, as soon as I didn't have that family foundation, because even if you and dad didn't get along, you both love all of us kids with your entire hearts. And that's one thing that has just always been a blessing and a constant in my life is you guys just always loved us no matter what. And that was so helpful. So it took me a while, but I realized that family is important. Connections, relationships with people are important. And without them, when you keep everyone at a distance, it really makes for a lonely existence. 

Allison 09:50 

And looking back at high school, of course, you can see these things afterward. I realized how much I distanced myself from people. A lot of people knew me, and I was friendly to people, and I'm an outgoing person. But I never really allowed anyone to get super close and really intimately know me in a way that I'm not scared of anymore. So I realized through the divorce just how important relationships with people are, whether they be family, friends, and then romantic relationships. I see how beneficial it is to have a healthy relationship, because I've seen what you and dad have gone through by being in an unhealthy relationship. But I think because of it, I'm a lot stronger. I feel like it veered me down a path that I didn't even have on my own my radar. So I feel like I've had to grow and really kind of toughen up because the boys were both gone. Two older brothers were both gone from the divorce so it was just me and Madeline. Yeah. And you know I just kind of had to put on my big girl pants and... 

Tanya Hale 11:19 

Because she relied on you a lot. 

Allison 11:22 

Because she... she... I don't know. I was always the one because...the reason I have a car is because of the divorce. 

Tanya Hale 11:34 

That's a benefit. 

Allison 11:36 

Yeah. That's a benefit. We need to go back to the good things. Phone, car. 

Tanya Hale 11:42 

We didn't have any of those before. 

Allison 11:43 

Yeah. Those are all directly from the divorce. Yeah. So... Yeah, I was one of those kids that had a car at 16, but that's just because y'all didn't want to have to chauffer us back and forth. So I know a lot of times Madeline didn't want to go back and forth, but I was like, "Madeline, get up. We're going." "I don't want to."" No, we're going. Come on, let's go." So I feel like I really had. .. 

Tanya Hale 12:17 

You had to step up. 

Allison 12:18 

I had to step up and I had to be the person that got us there on time and, you know, made sure we were awake to get to school when we were at our dad's house and we had to leave there at 6:50 in the morning in order to get to school on time. And, you know, I feel like I really had to step up and be the person to just get things done because Madeline was younger at the time. And I felt very protective of her. I feel our relationship today is from the divorce because we kind of had to deal with all the struggles and all the switching back and forth. And we were directly affected and directly involved in the divorce. So I felt very protective of her. Like I had to take care of her and look after her. You know what I mean? We were the ones struggling, drowning in the ocean with two separate people on other sides. The boys weren't even around. So it was just kind of Madeline. 

Tanya Hale 13:24 

The boys were out. So they weren't part of the custody issue at the time, but you girls, you girls were. And I think I would agree with that. I think that you matured a lot because of that and that your relationship with her is a lot better. Any other good things that you feel have come about? 

Allison 13:48 

No. 

Tanya Hale 13:50 

Okay, so let's talk about a couple of other things. What are some of your future concerns with the divorce and the current situation. 

Allison 14:02 

Future concerns...I think that there's really only one. Since I've hit that big wall of finally getting through it and overcoming it and I just, I feel okay with it now. I see, I know that it's a good thing and I know that you and dad have both grown immensely and that you've both come out a better person because of it. But my only future concern is family gatherings. How are those supposed to work? I've never seen y'all have a civil conversation before. 

Tanya Hale 14:41 

We have. 

Allison 14:42 

Not that I can remember. 

Tanya Hale 14:45 

You were young when it... 

Allison 14:46 

I've never seen you guys have a civil conversation where you're talking to each other respectfully and... Like there were times where you were laughing together, but that's because we were the whole family, you know what I mean? So how are we supposed to get you in the same room? What if one of us wants to get married? Are we gonna have to have, okay, "cousin, you're on mom, other cousin, you're on dad, you have walkie talkies, make sure they don't get within the like same half of the room together." How is that supposed to work? What if I wanna have a family dinner over at my house? Am I gonna be like, "well, choose one or two to see if we invite mom or dad this week," you know what I mean? Life, I both want you there for all the important things, but I just don't know if I'm gonna be able to get that anytime soon. And that's my biggest concern is, yeah, I get that we're not a family anymore, that you guys aren't a family anymore, but you're both still my family. You're both still my family and I both want you in my life, but if you guys can't even function around each other or if you're constantly giving off weird vibes so I can't even have you at the same gathering, then what's the point of even having a family gathering if you can't have everyone there? 

Tanya Hale 16:11 

Gotcha, yep, that's a definite concern. Very valid. Alright, so let's finish this up. So any other parents going through stuff like this, what advice would you give to them? 

Allison 16:31 

I feel like knowing that you and dad just loved me with everything, it really helped because I knew that even if you were messing up, or you were doing something that just really ticked me off, I knew that you guys were both just trying your hardest. And it was new for both of youT there's no rulebook for parenting, there's no rulebook for divorce, there's not "you do A B and C." Every family is different, every child's different. But just knowing that my parents loved me really helped me through it because family was important and you guys made sure to emphasize that and you know keep us rooted. 

Tanya Hale 17:27 

Good. What else? What other advice would you give? 

Allison 17:30 

I feel I was able to handle it more once you kind of, I don't know how to say this, but you focused on the kids.Yyou realized that kids were part of the equation too and it wasn't just between you and dad. And once you got past that point of "me, me, me, this is my divorce, this is my boundaries, my da-da-da, my da," and you realized that you know, me and Madeline were being pulled in the middle either which way, you know, those first couple years where it was, we just felt like we were in the middle of the war zone. 

Tanya Hale 18:12 

Yeah. 

Allison 18:12 

And both of you were just trying to get us onto your side. You know, "you can come live with me full time." "No, you can come live with me full time." "Hey, if you do this, da-da-da-da," I just always felt torn in the middle like I had to choose a parent. 

Tanya Hale 18:27 

Uh-huh. 

Allison 18:27 

I had to choose, well, this is my favorite parent and I want to live with them all the time and completely disregard my other parent. And both of you guys kind of figured this out, but once you realized that your kids were in the middle and that we were struggling with it as well, you know, we were having a hard time because suddenly we had two lives. Our entire livelihood was torn apart. The "family bliss" and peace that I had seen, you know, in quotes, family bliss, it wasn't there anymore. And especially when I wasn't old enough to fully see the whole picture, it was such a shock to me. And when I loved my parents both so much, and then just seeing them so centered on themselves and their concerns, I really felt alone those first couple of years because it, you and dad didn't care about us. You just cared about the custody battle and, you know, getting back at each other. You know, so I feel like that was a big one, as you focused on your kids after a while. 

Tanya Hale 19:49 

I don't think it was horrible, but it definitely wasn't ideal. 

Allison 19:55 

It seemed that way in the moment, as it always does. 

Tanya Hale 19:59 

Yeah, I think I think we did a pretty good job though, not pulling you in, I mean, a ton. Yeah. I mean, we definitely, as I look back, I go, you know, that was tough and I was really trying hard not to, but there were times that I found myself really caught up in the emotion of wanting to stand my ground, right? And because of that, I found myself crossing those boundaries with you and with Madeline for sure and that wasn't the best place to be, but I don't think it wasn't a consistent, really hard pressure, but there were instances where that came up for sure. 

Allison 20:38 

Yeah, listening to other friends that have had divorce, you guys, you know, it's a blessing that you guys didn't manipulate us. I feel like you didn't intentionally manipulate us, obviously. There was little stuff underneath, little comments that both of you made, especially at the beginning. You guys were a lot more talkative about the other, the other parent, but it kind of faded off after a little while. But I know kids were, their parents were just outright manipulating them and, you know, telling them all the juicy, gory details of every little thing that happened. And it just completely ruins their view of one of their parents or both of their parents and they just completely lose respect for them. So I'm really grateful that both of you guys realized that some things I don't need to know, I don't need to know everything. And you told me, you were like, "I'm not going to answer that." And I was like, okay. But for the most part, you answered my questions and you explained things to me and, and you treated me like an adult who could understand these complex ideas and situations that were going on. And you didn't try and completely buffer me from it, but you didn't completely just throw me out in the ocean. You kind of, you had this good balance of protecting me from the really bad stuff, but at the same time allowing me to figure it out on my own and grow and learn from it. 

Tanya Hale 22:27 

Alright. Any other advice you'd give or are you good? I would just say, get to a place where I don't have to worry about future family gatherings. 

Tanya Hale 22:39 

Like what we talked about before. 

Allison 22:42 

Get to a place where...you guys don't have to be friendly. You don't have to talk, but I don't want a weird vibe in the room. I don't want, I don't want to have to worry about that so get to a place where you and your ex can put aside your differences for a while and realize that you're coming together for someone else outside of yourselves. It's, you know, it's gonna be my event and I want you guys both to be there, so put aside yourselves realize this situation that I'm inviting you in it's not about you. It's about me at the moment. How conceited does that sound? But it every situation in life is not gonna be about you and just realize times where it's your kids' time and it's them rather than you. 

Tanya Hale 23:23 

I love that. Okay well there we go This is my daughter Allison, isn't she terrific? I love her a lot and she and I in the last couple of years have gotten to be really, really good friends. And I think a lot has opened up this last year as you've gone through that issue at school with writing the paper and doing all of that and I think you grew up a lot through that. It was horrible but it was a necessary step... 

Allison 24:13 

It was a necessary evil, yeah. 

Tanya Hale 24:14 

...for you to get to the good place that you are with us now and for us to have the relationship that we have. So I'm grateful for that. 

Tanya Hale 24:21 

So one thing that I do want to point out though is you know what? Everybody's situation is different when it comes to divorce, when it comes to how things are working and because the people are all different and this is just our experience and this is Allison's experience and I'm sure if you talk to any of her other three siblings they would have very different experiences as well. But I'm hoping that this was a good, positive enlightening thing for everybody else. I know as Allison and I have talked about these things in the past that it's really opened my eyes a lot and helped me to see things and understand things better and I wanted to share some of that with you. So hopefully there were parts of this that were educational for you to understand about divorce and how it affects the kids and what goes on and we're going to call it a day. 

Tanya Hale 25:09 

So just to finish up I just want to thank you for being here and for joining with me and I hope that this is beneficial to you. If it is please share it with someone that you know that could use this information and I guess that's it. Have an awesome awesome day. We'll talk to you later. Bye. 

Tanya Hale 25:29 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help to get to your best self ever. See ya.