00:00 

Well, hey there. Welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 223, "It Really is All About You." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright. Hey there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Super glad to have you. Thank you for those who have left me a review. And thank you for joining me here. I love this opportunity to be self-reflective of my own life and of how I am applying these concepts and I hope that you just keep coming back because you're finding that it's helpful for you as well. 

00:50 

And with that, we're just going to jump in today. So we've probably all had times when someone was telling a story and we inadvertently jumped in to tell of a similar experience and someone has called us out by saying, "this isn't about you." So I sometimes get so excited to jump in and share stories and to try and connect that way. And yeah, in that instance, it isn't about me. But what I'm here to talk about today is that most of life, guess what, really is about you. 

01:28 

So I'm always fascinated by how judge-y we can all be about things that are really none of our business. We have opinions on how other people spend their money. Are they doing it the right way? Are they spending it on things that we deem worthy? We might judge the trips they take, the cars they buy, maybe even the size of a house they choose. We judge others on how they parent their kids. We always seem to think that they're too strict or they're too lenient. And it's no wonder their kids all turned out to be be drug addicts with how they chose to parent. We judge people on tattoos and on piercings and hair colors. We may judge them on how often they come to church worship service and if they're on time. And we judge people when they choose to get a divorce or when they choose to get married. 

02:18 

And here's the thing. These kinds of things don't have anything to do with you. But they also have everything to do with you because we always get to choose how to show up. I think most of us really, really want to be loving people. We want to be kind and accepting. In essence, I think that most of us are really trying to be good Christ-like people. And Christ during his earthly ministry was loving. He was kind and accepting. He didn't judge unrighteously. But somewhere along the way, things got a little confusing for us humans. Because our brains have a natural tendency toward tribe mentality, meaning that our primitive brain really, really, really wants to belong to the tribe because that's where it thinks safety is. Because of this, it is always on the lookout for how we're fitting in and we're always comparing ourselves with others. And it likes to come out on top, so of course it makes sense that our brains get judgy and are figuring out how to make it seem that we're better than other people. 

03:27 

Hence, our tendency to judge how other people are doing things that are none of our business. So, while what other people are doing is none of your business, how you choose to show up in response to that is 100% your business. And this is where life really is all about you. Now, to be clear, I'm not talking here about people who are abusing other people or calling emergency services when you see an accident, right? I'm talking more about the regular day-to-day decisions and interactions that we engage in. 

04:04 

Here's the thing, much to our surprise, most people don't need nor do they want to be told how to live their lives. They don't need or want us telling them how to parent better or how they should spend their money. They don't need or want us telling them who to love or not love, who to marry or who to divorce. Every person has their own path to walk and to figure out. The only real responsibility that we have is to learn how to love other people. To learn to be accepting of other people and where they are on their path. To give them space to learn and grow in the way that God knows that they need to. 

04:45 

And we do this by realizing that our path of growth, the only path we're responsible for, is to learn how to just love and support other people, to be kind and accepting. Very few of us enjoy having other people step in and tell us how to live our lives, what we should be doing to be doing it right. Sometimes we seek it out by asking other people for advice on how to do things, but mostly people don't want our opinions. But what we do want is to learn to be supportive and kind rather than judging. What we do want is the space to figure out how to do things and find what works for us. And what works for us absolutely may not work for someone else. 

05:38 

So when I was a young mom, I figured out, this is a mom in her 20s, right? You'll love this. I figured out that if I put a load of laundry in the washer right before bed, then when I got up early in the morning to exercise, I would move it to the dryer and start another load. And then when I got home from exercise, I would fold the clothes in the dryer and move the other load from the washer to the dryer. And then after showering and getting ready for my day, the other load was ready to fold and put away. So this was brilliant and life-changing for me because by seven or 7:30 a .m., I had two loads of laundry washed and folded and put away. And I'll tell you what, I never got behind on laundry. 

06:22 

And you can imagine, however, that when I shared this gold, gold nugget with other young moms who were struggling and complaining about being up to their necks with never-ending laundry, that they actually weren't even interested. Not even a little bit. And I seriously could not understand it. They were struggling, they hated laundry, and had so much drama about it. They were always drowning under 20 loads of laundry and unfolded laundry and wrinkled clothes because it wasn't folded and all the stuff. And I had the solution. But for whatever reason, it didn't resonate with them and they weren't the least bit interested in my amazing process. What it did do was have me coming off sounding like I thought I was better than and had all of the answers for how they should be living their lives. It just had me not connecting. 

07:16 

But even now, as a life coach, giving advice is not what I do, contrary to the beliefs of some. My job is to listen closely to your story, to point out thoughts that may or may not be serving you, and ask questions that help you discover your true desires within the context of what you've shared with me. And when appropriate, I'll teach you some tools that apply to your circumstance, and that will allow you to show up the way that you really want to. But my goal isn't ever to tell you what to do or give you advice. 

07:50 

In this instance, when working with a client, what I am thinking is all about me because I'm seeking to show up the way that I want to as a coach. I'm seeking to be a great listener, to keep emotionally out of their story so that I can see it clearly, to ask questions that will help them be introspective and reflective and really home in on their desires. So it is about me. It's about how I want to show up as a coach and as a person. 

08:22 

So let me share with you another experience that I had over 20 years ago when I was 29 years old and living in Germany. This is probably about the same time as the laundry incident, right? I was in charge of planning the Christmas music sacrament meeting and we had a woman in our ward who had a really beautiful voice. So she was younger than me and even more of an adult than me or so I believed, right? So I allowed myself to kind of get worked up about her attitude. I had asked her to sing a particular song for the program that we had planned and she came back with a suggestion for another song that she wanted to sing and, heaven forbid, she wanted to sing at acapella. 

09:03 

At this point, I mean honestly, why would all this matter? I look back on this and just kind of roll my eyes a little bit at myself and yet at the time I got all worked up and I started focusing on things that really didn't matter. How dare she suggest another song when I had worked so hard on this program and what was up with her thinking that her voice was so great that she didn't need music. I'm just appalled, right? And how I was, it's almost a little, it's kind of embarrassing to share this with you, but here we go. I really thought she was going to ruin the whole music program. Okay, seriously? I was focusing on all the wrong things and how amazing it could have been if I had instead made it about me in the sense that I figured out how I wanted to be the kind of person I wanted to be, that I wanted to show up as someone who was trying to learn how to be more Christlike at Christmastime, no less. 

10:03 

Right? So rather than gossiping to my friends about it and having all these drama-filled discussions about her and her requests, I could have realized that there was nothing inherently wrong at all with her request and happily let her do it the way that she felt comfortable. Or if I really felt it was a big deal and it was just not going to work with the program, I could have lovingly discussed the situation with her and shared my thoughts about the particular song choice. And really, the acapella piece, if she was comfortable, which she obviously was, why would I make a big deal about it? In the big scheme of things, it really didn't matter. What we were trying to accomplish was a beautiful worship service where we focused on the birth of our Savior, inviting the Spirit into our congregation and allowing people to share their beautiful vocal and instrumental talents. 

10:58 

And because I didn't realize at the time in my life that all of these experiences give me opportunities to learn how to show up the way I really want to, which is loving and kind, I showed up instead in a way that makes me cringe when I think about it at this point. How she wanted to show up is all about her. How I want to show up is all about me. And when I can realize and understand that, I am valuing both of our inherent worth. I'm recognizing her inherent worth by allowing her the space to have her own path to show up the way that she wants to and is capable of in her current path. And recognizing my inherent worth is about being cognizant of my own path and where I am on it, and showing up the way I want to in my own space of learning. At the time, I was doing the best I knew how with the tools I had, so I don't beat myself up for this experience, but I have used it as a learning opportunity over the years to remind myself that for me, all the little details are minutia. 

12:05 

How I choose to show up is what is the bigger deal for me. It can be so tricky sometimes, don't you think, to keep our wits about us and focus on how we're showing up rather than on other people's behavior. This is where working with a coach can be so beneficial. 

12:24 

Here's another experience. Just a few weeks ago, I was working through a situation with one of my children and it was a tough one for me. It took a lot of work to show up in a good space the way that I really wanted to, but I'll tell you what, I did a pretty good job and I was really proud and really happy with the progress that I had made, especially compared to how I would have responded a few years ago. In fact, I felt as though I had shown up really, really well and with about as clean of love as I could have. But a few days later, I had a coaching session, my own coaching session with my coach and I decided to talk to my coach about it because I wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything I missed and surprise, there was something I missed. My coach helped me to understand an element of how I was showing up that I didn't love, that I wasn't happy I showed up that way. She helped me to see how I was showing up with about 90% clean love, but that there were some elements of how I showed up that still had expectations woven in with the love that I was extending. And it was so insightful to me to see this other piece of my behavior that I wasn't seeing before. 

13:37 

Learning how to take responsibility for how I show up, regardless of how the other person shows up, has been a really tough learning curve for me and it's also one of the most empowering and liberating experiences that I provide myself. As I have learned to honestly make it all about me, about how I show up and clean up my intentions and my expectations and my love, I have also been able to deepen the connections and the relationships that I have with people that I love. I've developed more self-respect and I'm clear on how I want to behave. 

14:17 

As a human, I absolutely still have a long way to go, but I'm also really proud of how far I've come and how I'm now seeing things that I used to see. It's just such a process of continuing to show up the best I know how and also continuing to seek awareness and make small adjustments to my thoughts. This constant compassionate nudging has been such a vital part of my progress. 

14:48 

So with that, I just want to remind you, my friend, please be compassionate to yourself at all times. I can almost guarantee that you haven't set out to destroy relationships. You aren't trying to sabotage your life or anyone else's. You're just often unaware of what's really happening. And then we don't have the tools to adjust when we do become aware. And all of us are unaware of things. So this is what this podcast and coaching is all about for me. My hope is that through sharing my journey of self -discovery, that I can help you make those small adjustments that will help you live more in alignment with the person that you really want to be. And along this journey, my friend, compassion is queen. Please be kind to yourself. Please allow yourself the space to make mistakes and readjust. Please create a safe space within yourself to be a human. Of course you're going to make mistakes. Of course you're going to say hurtful things sometimes and not show up the way you really wish you had. And that's okay. See it, learn from it, and adjust a little piece at a time. 

16:09 

You've got this, my friends. This is part of growing up into middle age and it's amazing. I love it so much. That's it for today. Kind of a short one, but a good one, right? Okay, if you would like to work with me, if you want to talk about coaching, if you want to help me to help you see things that you're not seeing in your interactions with other people in your life, I would love a chance to chat with you about it. it on a free consult. You can go to tanyahale.com and you can sign up for one of those. I have a lot of times that I keep available and something's weird with my calendar that it's showing up like every five minutes there's an option to sign up. So it's still scheduled you for the full 30 minutes, but I don't, I can't have been able to figure out the tech on that one. So anyway, so go ahead and sign up for a consult. I would love to chat with you about this. 

17:11 

Yeah, leave me a review. If you have not, that would be very much appreciated. And I hope you have the best of weeks and an amazing day and that you can make it all about you this week. Have a great week and I'll talk to you next time. Bye. 

17:29 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!