00:00 

Hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 216, "One-Up and One-Down Relationships." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:22 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Thank you for being here. So glad to have you joining me today for this podcast that I prepared for you. Before we begin, I just really quick, did you know there are two different ways that you can share this podcast? One of them is you can tell your friends about it. People that you know would be interested in this kind of context or even easier than that, you could just text message them a link to one of your favorite episodes. It's a super, super easy way to share content that you think can help other people and sending the link is actually easier because they don't have to go look it up. And the second way you can share this is by leaving a review. The more I get, the more it makes it possible for other people to find it easier. The podcast will pop up quicker when they put in keywords. It will pop up closer to the top. So if you are loving this content, if you're coming back week after week, I promise you there are people in your life who could also use this and it would be a great thing for them. So I encourage you to share it because the healthier we all are, the stronger, better society we have. We make for stronger families, better relationships, better friendships, we get along better in the community, all these things. It's just a great thing. I love this content. It has shifted my life into a completely different space than I was heading to before. So that's going to do it there. We're going to jump into the podcast today. 

01:55 

Today we're talking about one-up and one-down relationships. So last week on the podcast, I shared an experience that I had had with my husband where I talked about how I was learning to stand up and be seen and how to speak up and be heard. And in that, I shared the concept of being one-up or one-down that I wanna expand on this week in case some of y'all may not be really familiar with this concept in the context that we talked about it here on the show: in relationships, whether it be with a spouse or whether it be with children or friends. So this concept implies that one person in the relationship is putting themselves either above or below the other person in worth or importance. And when we state it like that, a lot of us will stand up a little bit and we'll recognize that yeah, that's gonna be a harmful thing in a relationship, if somebody's always seeing themselves as better-than or worse-than. 

02:47 

But so many of us do it and we don't realize we're doing it. And sometimes it's even encouraged in our society or our culture. For example, how many times at church have you heard a man say that he "married up" and that his wife is so much better than him? Okay, now before you roll your eyes too deep into the back of your head, I do want to acknowledge that I get that this is meant to be a compliment. It's somewhat of a self-deprecating way of praising his wife, but it is putting her in a one-up position and him in a one-down position. It's a way of saying that she's smarter and more capable than he is. She's more righteous or better than he is or that he's not worth as much as her. One-down. So whether it's meant that way on purpose or not, that is what's going on and our brains pay attention to those things. So men will also say things like, "I don't want to get in trouble. So whatever my wife wants, I'm going to do it," something along those lines. I know that you've heard that before. Okay, same thing here, but this is one-downing. And there's some one-up in there too, so let's look at it. 

03:56 

Saying that "I don't want to get in trouble" is putting himself in a one-down position because she is in authority over him. Okay, but then the fact that he's going to do whatever his wife wants implies that he's so great that he will sacrifice to keep the peace, a one-up position. It's kind of fascinating how we will one-up ourselves by one-downing ourselves, like in that particular instance. So it's fascinating how we do that. So lest you think this is a man problem, my friends, okay, as women we do the exact same type of things. For example, we say things like, "I don't have four children, I actually have five. My husband is so incompetent." Total one-up position for the woman. My husband is a child, not a man, not an adult like me? Do you see how it's very subtle but it's creating this one-up position? Or sometimes women will say something that implies that, "well, I didn't serve a mission like my husband so he's more spiritual and he can receive revelation more than me." I've heard that multiple times in my life. This is an instance where the woman is putting herself in a one-down position. 

05:13 

Okay, so again, I'm going to acknowledge that I know that these kinds of phrases are societal and cultural and that they are probably used often to sound clever or to sound humble. But the underlying message is that the other person is better or worse than we are. And this is a roadblock to us creating the kind of intimate partnership that most of us crave in our relationships. Now I'm going to use mostly a marriage relationship for the examples here, but at the end I'm going to pull in some other ones. So if you're not married, stick with it because there's stuff here that's important to learn. Say, you're if you're divorced, this information is really important to look back on your past relationship and say, "okay, did I do this? Where did I do this? How did this show up?" and to become aware of it so that as you in the future move into another relationship, that you are aware of this little trap that we come into, okay? 

06:15 

So let me explain this intimate partnership thing that we want. To truly have a partnership, we have to see ourselves as equals. Now, this does not mean we're the same because obviously all of us have different skills and talents and abilities. Some people are book smart while others are street smart, some people are incredibly musically inclined, while others are incredibly mechanically inclined. For some, faith is easy peasy and for others faith feels like it's a million miles away. So "equal" doesn't mean "same," "equal" in this context means that we are both people standing on equal ground, each having a valuable contribution to make to the relationship, that neither is better or worse than the other. Just different. And we're both humans who are going to be making mistakes. 

07:05 

One thing that can make this so tricky is that our brains are wired to compare. to be aware of our status in relation to everyone else around us. We have an innate need to be in the tribe, to not be ostracized from everyone else around us. Our brains want to make sure that we come out on top of at least somebody else. It's the whole "I don't have to be faster than the lion, just faster than you" concept, right? So our brains are going to compare; they're wired that way. They're always going to. It does not mean you're a horrible person, but it does mean you're a human person. And it is something that we want to be aware of and that we want to keep in check because how we compare to others around us isn't so life or death as it was in caveman days. For example, the lion and all. The context with which a lot of our primitive brain functions is not so applicable in 2022. But our brains are always trying to compare even between ourselves and our spouses. And there's an element of self-checking to make sure that we are pulling our own weight in our relationships. 

08:19 

Where this gets dangerous, however, is that this comparison can easily slip into one-up and one-down thinking. As I mentioned before, to truly have an equal partnership, we want to start seeing ourselves as equal partners, even though we bring different things to the table. When one partner is seen as being better or worse by the other partner, we are no longer in partnership. We're no longer standing on even ground. Now, this does not mean that we don't see the amazingness that our partner brings to the relationship. It just means that we don't make that mean that they are better than us because of their amazingness. And the opposite is true as well. It doesn't mean that we don't see our own amazingness. It just means that we don't make it mean that we are better than they are. 

09:08 

So I was really good at this second example in my first marriage. I was frequently comparing my strengths to his weaknesses. That's that's not an equal comparison anyway, right? And I was consistently putting myself in a one-up position. From that place, all I could feel was resentment and contempt, and this is not a recipe for a happy relationship. And some of y'all do the opposite of what I did...you are frequently comparing your weaknesses to their strengths, constantly putting yourself in a one-down position. But whether you're one-upping or one-downing, either way is damaging the relationship. It is separating us, putting us on unequal ground, creating a rift. The goal in any relationship is to stand hand in hand, inside by side. This happens when we start choosing to see our partner as our equal and it happens when we choose to start putting the relationship first. 

10:09 

So after many tough years in a marriage, and then being single for six and a half years, I have a tendency to move into some pretty fierce independence. But it's my new quest now that I got married a few months ago to create a truly intimate partnership. I'm finding that fierce independence is not necessarily helpful. I'm not saying that I can't or don't or won't or shouldn't do things on my own. And I'm not saying that I become needy. Not at all. What I do want us to consider is that fierce independence has me very often considering my own needs first, and true partnership has us considering the  relationship first. So does that mean I don't get to go on that cruise with my sisters next summer? Nope, not at all, because I'm going. It means that I will consider the relationship first and make that a priority. But my needs don't come before his needs all the time or after his needs all the time. And the same applies to him. What is best for the relationship? That's what is considered first and this creates more of a circular relationship rather than a linear one. 

11:27 

So rather than thinking of our partnership as linear, as a line where it can shift and one can be up or down, we want to consider it as a circle. So when I move into independence and I always consider my own needs first, that will often lead to one-up thinking, to a linear relationship. When I think of myself as subordinate for whatever reason, that leads to one-down thinking, a linear relationship. The example I shared last week was needing to ask my husband for money. So we were newly married just a couple of months and we were still living in two different states. And my finances had changed so that I did not have the income that I was used to. And I was not having enough money to cover my expenses. And our finances, mine and my husband's finances, were not yet combined. And I felt so weak because I needed to ask him for some money. And we had a big, big discussion that ensued with that, about me just feeling so much shame about needing to ask him. And when I finally just owned up and was honest about it and told him my thoughts about why it was so hard for me, he gently and kindly pointed out to me that I was putting him in a one-up position. And I was. I saw him as above me for me, needing money and him having money to spare. When I didn't see us as equals, both of us with equal access to the money that was now considered ours, when I saw him as the keeper of the money, I was creating a barrier to our partnership. 

13:20 

So one of my really good friends shared with me a similar experience with her husband of, I don't know, probably about 25 years. He's an accountant and he loves money and numbers and stuff. And he's always tracking all of the spending. That's just fun for him. So my friend has always been a stay-at-home mom. So she has not been in the in the space of bringing home all the money. I mean, he's been making all the money and she's been taking care of everything there. Again, an equal partnership when we choose to see it that way. But in her brain, for all those years, she was putting him in a one-up position with money. When he would ask her for receipts so he could track it, she began to tell herself the story that he was trying to control her. She spent the better part of 25 years feeling like he was parenting her, that he was in a parental position, that he was putting her in a one-down position. And in reality, she finally realized that he didn't really care about how much she spent or what she was spending money on. He just wanted to track it because that sort of data is fun for him. He wasn't one-downing her at all, but she was one-upping him. She was the one creating the inequality. She was putting him in a parent role and herself in a child role, and she had built up a lot of resentment toward him over the years, being in this one-down position, and it was keeping them from stepping into true partnership. The fascinating part being that this inequality was created only in her mind, and yet she was blaming him and resenting him for her own thinking. 

15:06 

I know I've talked a lot about marriage partnerships today, but I also want you to consider this one-up and one-down thinking in terms of other relationships as well. So what about with your adult children? Do you still see yourself as the keeper of greater knowledge and wisdom? Do you feel the need to advise them on all decisions you may see as questionable? If so, you are moving into a one-up position, and you will not have the friendship relationship available to you with your adult children. If you're thinking you know better than them, that their decisions are ridiculous or that they need you to help them see all of the facts, then you are putting yourself in a one-up position. Our parent-friend relationships with our children honestly can be some of our sweetest relationships, but only when we, and they, move out of the one-up and the one-down thinking. If they are still looking to you for advice on all the things, they are one-downing themselves, and it is time to move out of that place and put those decisions back on their plate. Resist the urge to step into the one-up position of knowing what's best for them. Let them know that you see them as a fully capable adult who can figure things out. Let them know that you see them as your equal. Now, will you always be their parent? Absolutely. You will always be what I call a "noun parent." You will be a parent, but will you always parent them? Hopefully not. That's a "verb parent," right? You stop being a "verb parent" when they become adults. You stop parenting them even though you are still their parent. 

16:55 

So I talk about this concept a little quite a bit in depth in podcast number 157 called "Friend Zoning Your Adult Children." Go check that one out. It's one of my more highly downloaded podcasts and then I have another one. Oh, I didn't look up the number, but this one is just called "Parenting Adult Children." And that one is also one of my highest downloaded. Adult children are a struggle for many of us. So this relationship with our children is one that has so much potential, but only when we let go of the one-up and the one-down thinking. In addition, I want you to look at your relationships with your friends and  your co-workers. Where do you see yourself one-upping and one-downing? If you're looking back at a past marriage, where did you see yourself one-upping and one-downing? 

17:49 

Let's clean up some stuff. Let's take responsibility for how we were showing up. If you are dating and moving into another relationship, where do you see yourself one-upping and one-downing? Pay attention. Please take a moment to courage up and take a good, hard, honest look at what's going on in your relationships. How are you showing up? Where are you one upping or one-downing? We all do it to some extent. The intent here is to create greater awareness so that we can have healthier relationships and more intimate relationships. 

18:29 

One last reminder. You are responsible for you here. You can only control you. Remember my friend who was blaming her husband for one-downing her when it was actually her one-upping him? Look at your own stuff. Clean up your own stuff. You first always. I truly believe that learning to love and show up in these relationships is what we're here on Earth for. Not just to create relationships that we endure or that we survive or that we just put up with, but one where both people thrive, where our hearts and minds truly become one, where we create the physical and the emotional intimacy that binds us together. This can only happen when we truly stand as equals, hand in hand, heart to heart, and side by side. Only when we truly see us as equals and learn to speak to and about each other as equals. Only when we learn to treat each other as equals, only when we learn to have a circular relationship rather than a linear one. 

19:43 

Being able to create this space of relationship is what growing up into middle age is all about. We can start creating at this age what we didn't have the experience, the insight, or the tools to create when we were younger. This is growing up and it is amazing. I love it so much. I'm so grateful for my own journey of growing up and how it has created relationships with my children and with my now-spouse that I could only dream of years ago. Thank you for joining me on this journey. And if you need help stepping into this journey, coaching is a brilliant process. I promise you. Can you make progress on your own? Absolutely you can. But there are, first of all, progress will be so much faster with a coach, with someone to help you see things that you don't see. And second of all, I look at my life and my coaching experiences over the years, and there are things that coaches have shown me about myself, about my thinking, about my patterns of behavior that I don't know that I would have ever seen on my own. And they have been huge things that have made a ginormous impact on where I am now, and what I'm creating. And this is why I love to coach. Because I know that with the skills that I have, that I can help you create something deeper and more intimate and more meaningful if you're struggling in that area. Absolutely. So you can find me and set up a free consult at tanyahale.com. Go there and check it out. And you know what, there's 216 of these. There's so much information out there that you can find and learn about. Go back and binge listen to some of these. Take, listen to three or four of these a week, or maybe three or four in a drive, or whatever you've got going on. Little pieces are going to start clicking for you. You're going to start hearing things and understanding things and seeing things. But you have to listen, you have to get the content, you have to put it in your life, and look for how it fits. And I promise you, you will start seeing changes. And then contact me when you're really ready to get down to work and have somebody be kind of honest with you and kind of tough sometimes about things going on and things that I would see that could help you step into a better version of you. Promise you it's all available. I love coaching, I love getting coached. Wish you all the best this week, my friends, and I will see you next week. Bye. 

22:49 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.