00:00 

Well hey there, welcome to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale. This is episode number 214, "How to Stop Being the Fixer." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast. I'm so happy to have you here today. I want to share with you an insight I just had a few minutes ago. I noticed that sometimes after I write a podcast and right before I get ready to record it, I just get into this space of holding back and just putting off and procrastinating recording it and I just was thinking what is that? Like why do I do that? Because I love recording them and I realized that that feeling of apprehension, I was like "what's going on," and I started thinking "what's the thought that's creating that" and I think the thought that I identified is "what if this is wrong? What if people don't like this one? What if I get a lot of flack for teaching something that everybody thinks is ridiculous?" And it just kind of cracked me up. I've been doing this for three years and fascinating that my brain still wants to go there. I love doing these and I'm very confident in what I write and in what I present. I also know that not everybody's going to agree with everything that I say, and I'm okay with that too. So it's interesting that my brain still kind of goes there. But I just want you to realize that we've all got these human brains and the human brains are just a little bit crazy sometimes and they want to put thoughts in our head because they are just trying to protect us and it's okay. I open up my Garage Band and I press "record" anyway, even though it feels uncomfortable, and I want you to realize that you can do that as well. Even though something may feel uncomfortable for you, guess what? You can still press play. You can still do it, even though it's hard. 

02:12 

So there we go. Alright, today's topic. I love this one. It's one I've kind of been playing with in my mind for a while, and then I came across some information this last week, and I was like, "oh, okay, this solidifies the idea for me," so I finally sat down and wrote this one. It's titled "How to Stop Being the Fixer." So, do you relate to the idea of being a fixer? If so, this podcast is absolutely for you, and if you don't identify with the idea of being a fixer, it's still going to be incredibly insightful, so stick around. And when we're done, you can send me a note. You can always tell me like, "oh, I like this one," or "I didn't like this one for this reason." But here we go. A fixer is a person who goes around trying to fix people and things. So a lot of things need to be fixed. Fix away, my friends. The world would be better when a lot of broken items are fixed: that broken stove, that broken handrail, that broken swing set. I mean, life would just be nicer, right? 

03:21 

But today we're talking about being a fixer in terms of someone who tries to fix other people. So let's be honest, if you're a fixer, you have probably come by it very honestly. So think back to when you had a brand new little baby or when you've babysat in a little baby or whatever your experience is. This new little person had no way to make adjustments and fix things for themselves. So what did they do? They cried and they fussed. And this was their way of letting us know that we needed to fix something for them because they were helpless. They needed us to feed and clothe them, to monitor their temperature and their comfort. Without us, they couldn't move to a different place or feel comforted. And so we, as the adults, had the role of taking care of everything for these baby people. When they felt sad or mad, we would figure out what was wrong and we would fix it. When they were hungry or poopy or otherwise uncomfortable, we fixed it. We would run to their side, pick them up, assess their discomfort and do what it took to fulfill their need. And this is exactly how it should be when our children are helpless babies. As they start to grow, however, it's important that we start being less than 100% in control of their lives. Little by little, they'll start moving themselves around the room, they'll start feeding themselves the food on their tray, holding their own sippy cup, putting on their clothes, entertaining themselves with toys. 

04:52 

And if we, as parents, had some awareness, our children were also taught to start being in control of their emotional lives as well. And they learned to be okay with the more difficult emotions, realizing that they are a normal and necessary part of life. And they learned how to feel and express emotions from any category. They learned how to be sad or mad or frustrated and also happy and peaceful and playful. And this pattern of us slowly letting go of the control continues on and on as they grow until they are fully functioning adults who can care for themselves, both physically and emotionally.

05:32 

So here's where the tricky part comes in. Well, there's a couple of tricky parts. Here's one: many of us, as the parents, were raised not knowing how to care for ourselves in these areas, especially emotionally. We were raised in the generation that said, "If you don't stop crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about", right? Emotions, difficult emotions were not something that many of our parents felt comfortable with. So we didn't learn how to manage our difficult emotions very well, if at all. And so we currently have some pretty rough coping mechanisms around managing difficult emotions, if we have any at all, right? And because of this, we often weren't very good at teaching our own children emotional regulation because we had not learned it and we weren't good at it. Just a side note, one of the first big things that I worked on when I discovered coaching and started really implementing it was how to feel the difficult emotions, because I didn't know how to do it. And I saw the havoc that that has wreaked in my kids life and how we've had to start from scratch with those who are ready to learn that. 

06:51 

So anyway, so the patterns of behavior that we have created, they involve fixing things for people when we can tell that they're struggling. So not only, I mean, it is our job to raise our children to do this, but sometimes the patterns of behavior, starting from when they were tiny, put us in this mindset of being a fixer. And this means that we often step in where it's none of our business to step in, especially as our kids grow into adulthood, and we fix things physically or we do whatever it takes to try and settle things emotionally. 

07:28 

So let's talk about what all of this can look like in our lives. So let's say an adult child gets themselves in over their heads financially, we might step in to pay off their credit card or loan them money. All the while knowing in six months, we will be doing it again. We might step in the middle of their struggling relationship with their other parent or a step parent, hoping to smooth things over to fix it for them, right? We might go over to watch the grandkids and also spend a few hours cleaning up the kitchen or doing the laundry. So now let's be clear. There are times people really honestly need help and we might be in a great position to help them. I'm not saying that we stop doing nice things for people. What we're looking for here are patterns where we are doing things for them that they really need to be doing for themselves and that they could figure out if given the space. 

08:26 

So we need to ask ourselves "what is the reason behind do behind what I'm doing when I do these things?" If deep down we have a belief that they're not capable of doing it on their own, then we're probably fixing when we don't need to. Adult children really need to be taking care of these things on their own. Any adults we interact with. We might run into the same situation of trying to fix things for our spouse as well. So I use a lot of child examples here, but this could work just as easily with a spouse. So when we start stepping in and doing things that even they know that they should be doing for themselves, we are sending them the message that they're not capable or strong enough. And this same concept applies to emotional work. If one of your adult children comes to you and says they're so frustrated with their child, how do you respond? It's so easy to want to step in with suggestions of how to help or what we think they should do. There we go again, being the fixer, right? Now of course your child will be grateful when you tell them what to do. Of course they will "ooh" and they'll "ahh" about your wisdom, because subconsciously and in the very second, it feels good to have somebody else take over. But subconsciously it also feels horrible because there's an underlying message that we're not good enough, that they don't believe that we could fix it ourselves. 

09:59 

And here's the crux of what I want us to understand about our fix at tendencies: the underlying message is that they're not good enough. They're not capable enough to do it on their own. And also that we don't accept them how they are. Ouch, uh huh, yeah, I get it, that hurts. But let's dig deeper and let's see what's happening here. Our "fix it" tendencies are like a bandaid for a gaping wound. They may stop the initial gush of blood for a short minute, but overall it's not really doing any good. In fact, they can give a false sense of all being good when underneath it's anything but. So let's say your husband really struggles with feeling good about his worth. You know, feeling like he's a person of worth. And so we try to fix it by constantly telling him, "you're so awesome, you're so great, look how amazing you are." But here's the thing, compliments like this don't really help, especially when the other person doesn't believe them. In fact, our brains are tricky and will actually tell us the opposite. If I don't believe something about myself, other people telling me is not going to change that. If I don't believe I'm smart, other people telling me all the time that I am smart isn't going to change it. Change has to come  from the inside, from our own thoughts and belief systems. So someone outside of us telling how amazing we are or how smart we are actually backfires, because then our brain kicks in and tells us the opposite. No, you're not. You're not smart. You're not amazing. So crazy, right? We end up reinforcing negative thought patterns when we're trying to do the opposite. 

11:52 

When we see someone struggling financially, physically or emotionally, and we step in with a quick fix, it has the same effect. Their brain, though probably grateful, will also say things like, "see, I knew I couldn't do it on my own. Even they know I can't do it by myself. That's why they keep coming to the rescue." So again, let's be careful to realize that there are times that this is not the case, and someone really does need a good dose of service. But check how often you're stepping in and why you're stepping in to "help" them fix their situation. So another piece of this is that the person who is struggling may also feel pressure to feel happy when we give them compliments, or when we do things for them. But it's hard to feel happy when we know we're needy or desperate, or when we know that other people see us that way. We think we can help them to fix them by making them happy, but it's actually backfiring more often than not. 

12:57 

Here's the clincher: our attempts to help them feel better can come across as us not accepting them for who they are. If they're struggling with feeling like a good parent and we counter with, "oh, but you're a great parent," their brain rejects that and then adds on top of that the thought that they're not the great parent we're telling them that they are, and that we don't accept them for who they are. Again, our brains are so tricky, but acceptance of another person means we accept them exactly how they are, without them needing to change anything. They don't need to be more financially stable, they don't need to get along easily with their other parent or step-parent, they don't need to have a clean kitchen or always have the laundry done. They don't have to feel like a great parent. They just need to be accepted for exactly who they are. And then they can start accepting themselves for who they are. Our attempts to help them feel better, to be happier, help them understand where they are right now, is not good enough. And so we're trying to fix them. And that screams an acceptance. And this layers onto the struggle they may already be having of feeling as though they are good enough or capable enough or smart enough. 

14:22 

And here's another little bomb I want to lay on you. The work to be done here is not theirs. It's yours. We cannot control how others feel about themselves or their lives or how they choose to engage. But if we feel uncomfortable enough about it to try and fix it for them, here's where our work is. So some questions we can start asking are, "why do I feel uncomfortable with where they are?" "Why do I feel the need to fix them?" "Why can't I be okay with where they are and with what they're engaging in?" This, my friends, is the work. This is our opportunity to look at the thoughts and the feelings that are causing us to want to step in and fix when we have no business doing so. Often we will feel so uncomfortable ourselves that we think if the other person changes, we will feel better. If our son and daughter-in-law would just clean the kitchen after dinner, then we would feel better going to their house. See what's happening here? We feel uncomfortable with the dirty dishes in the kitchen and we want them to change so that we can feel better. But the real work to be done here is understanding our own discomfort around the dirty dishes. They're apparently okay with the dirty dishes, otherwise they wouldn't be there. It's us who is uncomfortable. That's what we need to be looking at rather than the dirty dishes. What thought is creating the feeling of uncomfortable? That's where the work is, first and foremost. Understanding that nobody needs to change anything for us to feel more comfortable. We need to do our own work and not expect others to change for us to feel better. We need to stop trying to fix others in order to fix our own discomfort. So hopefully that idea has hit home for some of y'all. This is the work. Stop trying to fix others and start working on fixing ourselves. 

16:30 

So the title of this podcast, "How to Stop Being the Fixer," how do we do that? Okay, first, what we just talked about, look at yourself. Discover your own discomfort and learn to manage that. Look at your thoughts and clean them up of all expectations, thoughts that people should be showing up differently and that there are better ways to do things. Second, let's move from trying to fix things to validating the other person's experiences, okay? Here's where we have an opportunity, something really tangible, see their struggle. So say something like, "I remember feeling in over my head as a young parent too. It can be hard to feel like you're doing a good job," right? We're validating where they are. We're hearing what they're saying and we're going, "oh yeah, I remember that. I've had a similar situation." Then we want to ask them to tell us about it. Questions such as, "what is it about parenting that's the hardest for you?" Right? "When are the times that you feel like you're not a good parent?" What we're doing here is connecting with them first by validating their thoughts, and then we're moving into curiosity and asking them questions. Moving straight into fixing shuts them down and breaks down the  communication. It screams that they're not doing it well enough. It screams an acceptance of them and the way they're doing it. The opportunity to connect has just walked out the door as soon as we step into fix-it mode. So see their struggle and then ask about their struggle. Normalize their thoughts and feelings and then start a conversation. The fixer in you will be screaming to tell them what to do and how to fix it. Tell the fixer to shut down. Just shut, shut, shut, fixer, it's okay. Sh, sh fixer, fixer. There's a new sheriff in town. Okay, moving into curiosity is such a brilliant move here because it can be a way of helping them process their own thoughts and emotions and even their actions. Okay, so that's step number two. 

18:43 

Step number three, take an opportunity to focus on the process and the progress of their experience rather than the end results. And here's where Carol Dweck's book "Mindset" comes in. If you aren't familiar with this concept, go back and listen to episode 12 called "Mindset." Carol Dweck's research on this is spectacular. In essence, there are two mindsets that people have, a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset says that things are what they are that we can't change them. The results are the end all of what's going on in our lives. It's just the results that matter. A growth mindset believes that we can always change and grow and that it's not the end product, but the process or the progress that matters the most. So with this step, it's our opportunity to ask questions about their learning, their growth, their enjoyment, and their struggle rather than focusing on the end result. When we can focus our minds on the journey rather than the destination, we find a lot more joy and fulfillment in life. 

19:50 

So last step, fourth, pay attention to your tendencies to judge them for where they are. Because first of all, we start judging their space, where they are, how they got there, etc. and then we start judging ourselves for being so judge-y, if we're aware enough to recognize the judging connections, right? Our brains really love to come up with solutions for things that we don't understand. And if we don't intentionally direct those solutions, we move into judgment. That's our ways brain of making sense of things. We start thinking, "oh, they're just lazy, they're unmotivated. They're just not smart enough to figure it out." Ugh. Kiss of death, my friends. Judging rarely gets us where we really want to be and it makes connection impossible. So instead, head back into curiosity. I think I'm deciding that curiosity is the opposite of judgment. So rather than "they're so lazy they don't get their dishes done," start genuinely moving into I wonder why. Right? I wonder why they don't prioritize dishes and and their reason for not prioritizing is just as valid maybe as your reason for prioritizing. Real curiosity wants to know and it doesn't have any judgment attached to it. If we want to ask questions to get them to see that they're wrong, that's not curiosity. Just so you know, that's judgment and judgment breeds disconnect in our relationships. So we have to stop judging and start asking real genuine questions. 

21:41 

Okay, so there you have it. That is how to stop being the fixer. There are small changes, small nudges that we get to make in our brain but when we realize that that being the fixer is creating more problems, it's not really fixing problems, we can start learning to step back a little bit and and start moving into some of these other steps and behaviors and thought processes that we've talked about. This can often be really hard to see in yourself but stick with it and if you want some help seeing things that you're not seeing and understanding this process of how to stop fixing and learn how to focus instead on your own work, coaching just might be the exact tool for you. And if you want to chat with me about it, you can set up a free 30 minute consult at tanyahale.com. Okay, we absolutely can create better relationships in our lives and it starts with focusing on our own work rather than trying to fix everyone else. Fixing doesn't fix, my friends, it just exacerbates the problem. 

22:55 

Okay, that's gonna do it for me. This is something about growing up, like learning these things makes middle age so worth it. This is the perfect time of life to learn the things and to understand things that we just weren't prepared to understand before. Okay, if you have not left me a review yet, I would love to have one. I've had four reviews in the last month and thank you, thank you to those who are leaving me reviews. That really helps other people to find this. The more reviews that I get and the more stars that I get on this podcast, the farther up the chain it shows up when other people are looking for podcasts about certain ideas. So a great way to help other people is to leave a review. And another great way to help other people is to share this with people that you know would love this kind of content. There are people who like this kind of stuff and there are people who don't. Find your friends who like it and share this with them. It's a great way to open up conversations in your relationships so that you can talk about things that really matter and figure things out at a deeper more personal level for yourselves. So share this with your friends and then have a discussion about it. It's a great, great opportunity to connect even more with the people in your lives. Okay my friends, that's going to do it. Have a terrific, terrific day and I will see you next time. Bye. 

24:25 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.