00:00 

You're listening to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number two, "Control issues." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Hey there, my friends, and welcome back. Hey, this is number two, "Control issues." I don't know if any of you struggle with this but it's something that I have struggled with I think more and more over time. But I'm also learning how to balance it out a bit as I start to understand what I need to be focusing on and what I don't. So that's what we're going to be talking about. Let's start off with defining what's going on here. 

00:49 

The biggest issue we have with control is that we're trying to control other people and things rather than ourselves. We are trying to control things we have zero control over and when we have zero control over it it is a recipe for stress and frustration and anger. 

01:10 

So I want to start off by talking about a psychologist, John Lund, who is a member of the Church. Many years ago I was listening to one of his talks and he said something that really changed a lot of how I think about control especially when it comes to my children. He said what if you were only required to do two things. One, set a good example for your kids and two, have unconditional love for your kids. What if you were released from every other responsibility regarding your kids besides those two things. And when we start looking at that setting a good example and having unconditional love for them those are things that we can control. 

01:54 

Oftentimes our frustration with parenting or with spouses or with people at work or our neighbors or whatever, the frustration comes because we are obsessing over things for which we have zero control over. So let's take a look at these two things that we can control. First of all, unconditional love. I can choose to love someone unconditionally. It is not their choice whether I love them unconditionally or not. They don't have any say over whether I choose to do that. So I may have an adult child who's very angry with me and who may not want to be around me or talk to me or interact with me. That's their choice. I have no control over their choice to do that, but what I do have control over is my choice to continually love and accept that child and not get upset and not get my feelings hurt. 

02:54 

And all these other things that are going to cause problems within the relationship. So an unconditional love really is a Christ-like love, and this is one thing that I love about getting older. I feel like I have such a better understanding of what it really means to have unconditional love. Unconditional love is letting go of the control that I think I should have over someone else's life. I'm going to treat people with respect. I'm going to treat them with acceptance. I'm going to treat them as though their life really matters. I'm going to allow them the space to walk their own path, to figure out what their own path is and walk it. Because the path that they are on is the exact path that they're supposed to walk, so that they can learn the lessons that they need to learn. 

03:44 

And how do we know that? Because that's the path that they're on. I love the idea that allowing people space to learn and understand the things that they've got to learn from their path. Their path may be 100% different than mine, and that still doesn't mean that it's the wrong path. I remember several years ago when I was doing some learning in this area, I had a little vision of sorts. I would never claim to be a visionary person. I'm not one of those people who wakes up having had visionary dreams or things, but I was doing some learning in this area, and all of a sudden, I had this vision of Christ being in the center, and there were paths walking to Christ coming from every direction in a circle. A 360 degree circle, and there  were just billions of paths, billions of lines, infinite number of paths walking toward Christ. And I saw very clearly in that experience that every one of those paths was a valid path. It may have been on the opposite side of that circle from where I was. However, that path was still leading toward Christ. It was still taking them where they needed to go. 

05:08 

And I think in my younger life, I had this vision of Christ being in one spot, and we all had to move and shuffle to one path, and then we all had to walk the exact same path to Christ. And that experience that I had when I saw this in my mind was that I needed to be more accepting of people, and I needed to allow people the space to live what they needed to live. And just because it's not what I needed to live, it doesn't mean that it wasn't exactly what they needed to live. 

05:42 

This was exemplified for me at another time when I was sitting down and chatting with a good friend who I hadn't talked with for quite some time. And as we discussed life and what was happening and we're catching up, I found that this particular friend had had many years of really difficult drug addiction, and she had struggled and struggled with that, and and she had had gotten in a good place, and she was moving forward. And as I talked with her and about her experiences and what was happening, I was struck with the idea that her life experiences, though very different than mine because I had never been involved in drugs in any way, was the exact path that she needed to be on so that she could become the person she needed to become. The path she was on was making her into a person who was so much more compassionate with others, who understood a sector of life that I couldn't even touch. It created in her a compassion for others, and it was beautiful. 

06:47 

That was all part of the piece of this understanding that everybody has their own path. And as I learned to accept that other people's paths are their paths and their responsibility, I can control my love, and for them, and I can control how I feel. I don't have to be responsible for their path, so I can't control their love. So if I have a child who's angry with me, I can't control whether they love me or not, but what I can control is my love. I can't control if they respond to my text messages or my other expressions of love when I reach out to them, but I can control that I choose to love them. I can control that I continue to reach out in various ways to express my love to them. And this all starts with my thoughts. 

07:41 

So again using that same example, let's say I have a child who is angry with me, I can think in my head, "oh gosh, she's just a selfish little kid, "or "she is a selfish little kid," and then how does that affect my feelings? My feelings then start to feel angry, or I start to feel frustrated and I start to think "well gosh, who do they think they are I'm their mother and I have done this and this and this for them." And then when I start having these feelings of anger and frustration then it's going to start affecting my actions. When I see them I'm going to speak curtly to them and I may stop trying to reach out. I may start making little snide comments like "yeah, well if you really loved me you would..." And I might start having actions like that. Then the result of that is going to be that it's going to be a breakdown in my relationship, even more so than it already was. That child is going to feel that anger and that frustration and he's going to see the results of my actions and and he's going to pull away even more. 

08:48 

However, if I go back and I have the same scenario and my thought is "wow, this this child is really hurting. I feel bad for them that they seem to be struggling so much," then the feelings that I start having toward that child are completely different. I have feelings of compassion and feelings of tenderness toward them, which then affect my actions. I reach out with more sincerity and with more kindness and with more sensitivity for their struggles and the results of that is that then that child feels loved. They feel like they're not being judged and that ultimately is going to circle back around to create the kind of relationship that I want. 

09:33 

Now maybe not next week or next month or even next year, but eventually I can create a safe place where that relationship can be healed. So unconditional love is my choice. That doesn't mean that it's easy. It definitely is not easy sometimes, but it does mean that it's possible. I can choose my thoughts that will control my feelings and my actions and ultimately the relationships that I have with the people in my life that I love. 

10:06 

So the second part of what John Lund talked about was he said that we could set a good example. This is something that I  can control, but let's talk about what a good example is. First and foremost, this is not being perfect. Can we please let go of this idea that we have got to be a perfect parent or a perfect spouse or whatever. This is not setting a good example. First of all, if we were perfect, it would be unattainable by anybody else and that is not something that makes people feel warm and fuzzy and feel like they can use us for an example. But what does set a good example is not a perfect life, but a progressing life. A life where the people around me see me doing my best. They're going to see me mess up for sure, but then they're going to see me get up and they're going to see me try again. They're going to see me apologizing when I make mistakes and when I hurt people. They're going to see me learning and growing and becoming a better person. 

11:10 

This is the example that we want to be setting in our lives and and it's a very realistic example. If my children or my spouse or the people around me see me being consistent in my efforts to move forward, this is when it's really going to set an example for them. When they realize that that perfection is not what this is about, but they see me reaching out and trying to be humble and trying to strengthen relationships in that way. 

11:45 

So here we have these two things. We have loving unconditionally and we have setting a good example. So let's go back to our control issues though. So when we start talking about control issues, why can't we control others? Wouldn't that be easy? I just think sometimes it would be so easy if everybody just did what I said when I said; life would be so much easier for everyone, wouldn't it? And yet it wouldn't because that is not God's plan. God's plan is definitely that I have my path and I have my responsibility. You have your path and your responsibility. Our children and our neighbors and our friends and our spouses have their paths and their responsibility and we're not responsible for anybody else. 

12:34 

Can I feel concern for where they are? Definitely. Can I express that concern? Yes, I can definitely tell them that I love them and I'm concerned that they're engaging in hurtful behavior or something. Can I express love? Of course, and I should. Can I set clear boundaries of what's okay and what's not okay? Definitely, and that is loving behavior to set those clear boundaries. Can I tell them what they should be doing? Absolutely not. It is not my job to tell anybody else what they should do, especially unsolicited advice. 

13:15 

I think I spent years wanting to help people so much and I was always dishing out advice and telling people what I thought they should do and probably five or six years ago I had this big aha where I was like, "oh nobody really wants that." I may feel like I have something to share with them but they have got to want it and they've got to seek for it and if they ask me for it, that's a different story. But I find that very rarely do people ask us really for advice. Sometimes they want a listening ear, sometimes they just want to bounce ideas off people but they really don't want us to tell them what to do. And that's part of this control issue that we have is that we want to be able to tell people what to do, but realizing that I have no control over another person starts to reduce my stress. 

14:05 

Because if I'm trying to control something over which I have no control, my stress level goes up. And this is what we're trying to get rid of, right? We're trying to get rid of the stress and the anxiety that having control issues causes. And so if we can start learning to give up responsibility for other people's choices and start just being responsible for my own, then life gets a whole lot better. 

14:34 

Let's talk about some ways that we don't have control over other people. Back in the day when I had little toddlers and they would have a temper tantrum in the middle of the store and they're screaming and maybe they're on the floor or maybe they're just strapped in, but they're screaming and yelling, I realized very soon that I could not control that. I could not stop that screaming. I couldn't control them. But what I could control were my thoughts and my feelings and my actions that came from that. I could control how I felt. I could either think, "I've gotta shut this child up because they're embarrassing me and they're making other people feel uncomfortable," or I could choose to think, "oh, this child's struggling right now. I feel kind of bad for them." And yeah, when you're in the midst of that, that's a hard thought to have. I totally get that. But we learn very quickly when we have little kids that we can't control them. If they're gonna scream and throw a tantrum in the store, they're gonna scream and throw a tantrum. I don't have any control over that. I can control my response though and my thoughts. 

15:41 

Teenagers, let's talk about them pushing boundaries. That's what they're programmed to do. Teenagers are trying to become adults and in that they have to stretch and push and try and do different things and try to get out from under the control of their parents. And you know what? I can't control them. I teach middle school and I will tell you what. I cannot control those kids. If they decide that they wanna get up and walk out of my classroom, they can get up and walk out of my classroom. Now, I can enact some consequences for that. I can do a lot of things along those lines, but I can't control whether they want to sit there in my classroom or not. I can't control whether they wanna pull out their phone and be on their phone in the middle of class. But I can control my thoughts and I can control my response with the consequences that fall into place. 

16:38 

Now, one thing about getting older that I found is these adult children, they are tough. Oh my gosh, we thought toddlers and teenagers were tough. Sometimes I think adult children are more difficult than all of them because we have no sense of authority. And we can't enact consequences anymore, we cannot tell them what to do at all. And I found that with my adult children my only response can be "wow, that's a tough situation. What are you gonna do?" and having to just stand back and let them figure it out. Sometimes they will ask but rarely do they ask for help resolving a problem that they have, because they want to figure it out on their own. That's part of growing up for all of us, isn't it, that we want to figure it out. And we need to figure out that, that's part of our maturity process. 

17:29 

So I'm finding that the more I learn to control my own thinking about circumstances the more that I am able to let go of controlling other people's responses. And in the process, the more peace I find in my life. I feel less frustration, I feel less anger, I feel less being uptight, I just find that I'm more at peace. And then when I'm more at peace I'm actually more in control Than I am when I'm trying to control everybody else's behavior. So is this an easy process? Absolutely not. It is not easy to get to this part. But is it possible? Yeah,. Aor sure and it gets easier the more we practice, as with any skill. This learning to let go and control just ourselves is a skill and it gets easier the more that we practice it. 

18:23 

So let's talk a little bit about the process. Now, Brooke Castillo with the Life Coach School teaches something that she calls the Thinking Model. This is the model that we use to help us understand how to control our own lives. So we start off with the very top line would be our circumstance. This would be a factual straight-up circumstance. After that, we have a thought about that circumstance. That thought then determines the feelings that we're going to have. Those feelings then impact the actions that we engage in, which then create the results that we have in our life, our overall results. 

19:05 

So let me give you an example from my daughter and this is my daughter who is away at college. So she called me one day and was talking to me and told me about a situation that she had been in just the night before, maybe two nights before. She had had a friend from work call her at like two or three in the morning and the friend was really upset and was having some struggles. They were afraid of their boyfriend that they were living with and so my daughter was concerned and she got up and went and and chatted with a friend for a bit. Then they decided to go for a drive. She was really just trying to show some compassion and some moral support, which I was like "wow, good for you, girl. You know, you're trying to reach out and help other people." 

19:53 

Well, this took a turn when they were parked in, I guess a parking lot. I'm not sure exactly sure on the details here. But they were parked somewhere and the boyfriend found them and some arguing ensued and the boyfriend dragged my daughter's friend out from the car. They started to yell at each other and my daughter was was totally freaked out by the whole thing and was like "oh my gosh, what's going on?" And she worked with the one friend, but the other friend worked in a companion store, and when she got back to work the next day then the boyfriend was causing problems. Anyway just ended up being this big thing and she was telling me about this. 

20:39 

I had some options here. My initial feeling was total fear for her safety that she's engaging in a situation that could be pretty dangerous for her and if I had acted on that feeling of fear, my action then would have been to start telling her you need to stay away from them. These people are not your friends and they're putting you in a dangerous situation. And that would have been my action. The result for that then would have been a breakdown of trust with my daughter. She would not have  trusted me with that type of information in the future and she would have stopped telling me tough things. 

21:19 

So, when I take that initial feeling of fear and I walk that back, what would be the thought that would be creating that feeling? It would have been thoughts like "she's not smart enough to make a good decision. She's too inexperienced to know that this is a dangerous situation and to know that this isn't good. She's just not smart enough." Um, which is completely untrue. She's a very smart girl and she's very street smart and has great common sense. But that initial feeling of fear was coming from a place of thinking that she was too young or too inexperienced or not smart enough. 

21:56 

So let's look at a different response for that. So first of all, the circumstance was that she has friends that are yelling and fighting and she was a part of that situation. So my thought then for that situation that she was in is that, you know what, she's smart, she's capable and she's learning to grow up. She can figure this out. Whereas then the feeling that that thought creates is confidence that she will be able to figure out how to respond in a way that will keep herself safe and in a way that will be as compassionate as it can be in the circumstance. The action then that that confident feeling I have in her creates is that then I'm able to express empathy and confidence in her. So rather than responding as before, like saying, "Hey, you need to stay away from those guys and not be friends," and give unsolicited advice to my adult child, the action then that I'm able to express is empathy and just say "wow, that just sounds like a really tough situation. I'm so sorry." You know what was going on and maybe ask them some follow-up questions and then express confidence. You know, like, "wow, you know what, I know that you'll figure this out. These are tough situations but you can figure out how to handle it in a good way." 

23:13 

And this this is the course of action that I took with her when we were talking. I noticed that it helped to strengthen my relationship with her. In fact, it strengthened my friendship with her as we've become greater confidants over time with each other through certain things and she will talk to me about tough things and intimate things and sensitive topics because as I have learned to give up control of trying to tell her what she should be thinking or what she should be doing and letting her go through the process she needs to go through right now. It created a better relationship, which ultimately is what I want with my children. I want strong, healthy relationships. 

23:56 

So by learning to control my thoughts and thereby controlling my feelings and my actions, I can allow others to walk and to learn from their own path, walk and learn their own paths. And I can be confident, they can be confident in my love and my support for them. When I stop trying to control other people, I strengthen relationships. And I find more peace because I let go of things I have no control over. And ultimately, isn't this life about the relationships with the people that we love and having strong, happy relationships? This is what it's about. And letting go of control of other people around us is one of the best things we can do to strengthen our relationships. 

24:38 

That doesn't mean we let go of our love. It doesn't mean we let go of our concern and our compassion, but we give them the space to walk their own path and to figure out their own things. Stressing over things I have no control over is one of the biggest peace busters in this life. If I can't control it and I'm stressing over it, it's a no win situation all around. However, when I focus only on what I can control, which is myself, I find myself empowered. So if we go back to this model, circumstances, and then our thoughts about the circumstances create our feelings, create the actions, create the results, can I control the circumstances? No, that's an aspect that I don't have control over. I cannot control the fact that the person in front of me is driving really, really slow. 

25:35 

But I can control my thoughts about those circumstances and thereby I can control my feelings and my actions. Let's look at that. If I need to get somewhere and I'm driving behind someone who's driving really slow, I can have thoughts such as "oh my gosh, this stupid person just doesn't even know how to drive," and then my feelings are greater frustration and maybe even anger. Then my actions, I may become a more violent driver. I may start honking my horn. I may, you know, do all number of things. 

26:08 

But I can also can go back and control that thought about that slow driver in front of me. I can think "you know, it's a good thing they're driving so safe," or "you know, that's an older person in that car. I'm glad that they're being so cautious" Then  I'm going to have more feelings of compassion and I will be able to think clearly to be able to to control my feelings and my actions better. 

26:34 

So, my friends with control issues, this is our assignment this week. First of all, we have to start seeing what we are trying to control that we have no control over. The first step of any of anything that we need to change in our lives is awareness and so I want us to all just become more aware this week of what we are trying to control when we're trying to control ourselves when we're trying to control other people. 

27:03 

So for example I cannot control the traffic lights if they turn red at the wrong time. I can't control that. I can't control the price of gas. I could get all upset and angry and frustrated about it but I can't control it, so I can let myself get worked up and have actions and and results in my life that cause me a lot of stress or I can learn to just chill out a little bit and realize that I can't control that. I cannot control whether my neighbor chooses to shovel their walk or mow their lawn. I can't control that. I could sure get upset about it but I can't control it. I can't control whether or not somebody thanks me for something that I do for them. I can't control whether someone gossips about me. 

27:51 

But what I can control are my thoughts about these circumstances. And when I control my thoughts, I can control my feelings, and when I control my feelings I can control my actions, and when I control my actions I can control my life amazing. It's such a simple simple process but can be challenging to start incorporating, especially if our behaviors and our thought processes have been otherwise for a long time. But we can start working on it. So I think it's great that, guess what, I can still have control issues but I have to focus on the things I can control. Control issues on myself, not control issues on other people or other circumstances that I I don't have any say over. 

28:43 

So again, let's keep our eyes open this week for things that we try to control that are none of my business. We'll see you again in a few days when we do podcast number three. So in closing, if you want to receive some personal help from me with anything going on in your life, you can go to tanyahale.com to sign up for a free 20 minute coaching session. And again, if you love what you're hearing, please share this podcast with others who you feel would love it as well. Thanks so much, and I hope you have a terrific, terrific day controlling what you can control. 

29:22 

Hey, thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my "weekend win" Friday email: a short and a quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and to learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.