00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 190, "Protective Walls." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome. Welcome to the podcast today. So glad to have you. First of all, I just want to say thank you for being here. So grateful to be able to share this content with you and share things that are changing my life and impacting me in such significant ways and I'm grateful that I get to contribute to the world in this way and to put things out into the world that are making a difference in my life and in the lives of other people. And I appreciate those of you who take a few minutes to send me a quick note and let me know the impact that this has on you. And I really appreciate those of you who just keep coming back and those of you who share this information and this podcast with other people. That really helps me to make the kind of contribution that I want to make in the world, which is to empower people with tools and with information so that we can have better lives, so that we can live more in alignment with the kind of person that we want to be and more in integrity with who we really are. And I just love the opportunity we have to work together in this. 

01:33 

So let's go ahead and jump in today, shall we? We are talking about protective walls. So this basic idea has kind of been on my mind for a while and then I listened to a podcast a few weeks ago. It's a podcast called Foreplay. It was episode number 319 and it was called "Cracking the Nut: How to Break Through the Hard Shell Around Your Partner." And I loved the analogy that they used here and the layers that they used talk about here. So I thought that I would share that with you today, obviously with a lot of my own information. But the basic concept started from this Foreplay podcast, podcast number 319 if you want to go check that out. 

02:13 

So anyway, here we go. So want to ask you when was the last time that you caught yourself feeling angry or frustrated or critical or disengaged or maybe trying to control other people. When was the last time you caught yourself emotionally disengaging and walking away. So these are all protective strategies that many of us employ when we feel threatened in some way. And this happens to all of us. I don't think any of us are ever not going to go into this protective stance because we all do, because our primitive brains are programmed to protect us from danger. And when we're in a situation that feels emotionally dangerous, we will often unconsciously switch into protection mode. That's our primitive brain doing what it does best. This can be one of those patterns of behavior that we talked about last week. When we notice these protective walls coming up, I think it's really fascinating to start exploring them and figure out what are they protecting. That's what we're going to talk about today. 

03:23 

If we've put protective walls in the thought model, they're going to go in the action line, the things that we do. These are behaviors that we engage in that make us feel safe in a pseudo way because they also isolate us and they take us away from the thing that we most want. As most of us have experienced, when we want a safe emotional connection, the best 

thing to do is to emotionally connect rather than disconnect, to engage rather than disengage. Our primitive brain will tell us otherwise, that protection is the best option. The truth is we have to be vulnerable in order to create the safe emotional connection that we desire with other people. It can be such a conundrum because our prefrontal cortex will be saying, we need to engage, we need to drop the walls, we need to do all this, but our primitive brain is back there going "danger, danger, and we've got to protect, we've got to put up these walls." We have this conversation going on in our head, between our thinking brain and our primitive brain and sometimes it's challenging for us. 

04:35 

This is the thing. It can seem so counterintuitive that to be emotionally safe, we have to first risk being emotionally unsafe. In actuality, these walls don't protect us as much as they isolate us, which is the opposite of what we really intuitively desire in our lives. Beyond the intuitive of protection, we also desire these connections with people. So what I want to share with you today is something that can be done to explore your own protective walls and also something to help you understand  how the protective walls of those people in your life who are putting up their own protective walls, how do you come to understand those and see what's going on? So these emotional walls are protecting something. The question we have to ask first is what are they protecting? So we're going to talk about three layers here. We're going to talk about the protective wall and underneath that the second layer of fear and underneath that the third layer of the need. Alright so this is where we're going here. 

05:47 

Okay, so the first layer is the protective wall, and we've talked a little bit about that. The second layer, then, is what the wall is protecting, which are our raw spots, when we're more vulnerable, a place where we're hurt and scared. And something is rubbing up against those raw spots causing our primitive brain to think that we need to be protected. And this is sometimes what we might call an "ouch" layer. So think about how physically, if something is hurting on your body, how you go to extra 

lengths to protect it and make sure it doesn't get irritated even more. With a hurt wrist, we will avoid using that hand. With a hurt foot, we will limp or find ways to stay off that foot, right? We protect the ouch, we protect the pain. So our brain intuitively seeks to protect what is already raw and irritated physically, and it does the exact same thing when something is raw and irritated emotionally. 

06:45 

So when our emotional protection kicks in, when these walls come up, we and others around us don't see the hurt or the ouch, we and they just see the protection, we see that wall come up. And protection shows up in these kinds of actions, we might withdraw emotionally or physically, we might feel anger or frustration, we might turn away, we might protest, we might start to criticize the other person or threaten, or we may even start to control, trying to control the other person's actions. These are all actions that we engage in to protect our own fear, our own ouch. With ourselves then, it's important that we take some times to figure out what is the hurt beneath the wall. So when I notice myself putting up walls, I've got to figure out what's going on, what's behind the wall, what is the hurt beneath it. 

07:42 

When I notice a spouse or a child or a significant other putting up protective walls, I want to do the same thing. I need to take the time to figure out what is the hurt beneath that protective wall. Very often the hurt is fear. And we can ask ourselves what are we afraid of? We can ask our partner or our child what are they afraid of? But when we're not creating that safe space first, remember we talked about the safe space a couple of weeks ago, when we're not creating that first, we're not going to be able to get to the fear. That protective wall will not come down if we don't feel safe. So discussing the fear takes vulnerability and that is only going to happen in a safe space. Whether we're creating that safe space within ourselves, knowing we're not going to beat ourselves up or be harsh with ourselves, or whether we're creating that safe space for the people in our lives that we care about them, knowing that "okay I can step into this and I can be vulnerable and they're not going to turn on me," right? 

08:47 

So this is one thing we would need to understand, though, is that our primitive brain has really really good reasons for putting these protections in place. And usually it's because it doesn't feel safe to share or acknowledge the fear, to show the ouch, because it's afraid of greater pain. If I already feel pain and then that gets rubbed up against or hit or jostled, then it's going to increase the pain. So I'm going to put up that wall to protect myself. So whether we're creating the safe space within ourselves or we're helping to create a safe space for the people we love, this is always the starting point. 

09:28 

Okay, so then beneath the fear, or that second layer that we've been talking about, is the third layer, which is the need. There is a longing in our fear, in our hurt, and that is the unmet need underneath the fear that we are often scared to look at and even acknowledge. And often the need, we don't yet have awareness around because we've been protecting it for so long. Sometimes we have these needs and we are completely unaware of it. We've never allowed that need to surface. When we can get to the need beneath the fear, then we can start to create connection in our relationships. When we ignore the hurt and never acknowledge or understand the need, we will never get to the connection, to the intimacy, that we desire in our relationships with ourselves and with others. So the protection hides the hurt and the hurt is protecting the need. 

10:27 

So I know that I have been in relationships where there was no way I was going to share my need because it was too painful to share and have it either ignored or ridiculed or dismissed or treated as insignificant. It was much less painful to put up a 

wall and soldier on then it was to have someone pretend that my fear and my need didn't exist or let me know that they  didn't matter, or state that I was being ridiculous. So if the fear is not addressed, then the protection actually kicks in harder. We double down on that protection. This protection tells us that space away from the person who's hurting us is safe so the walls come up. It's our primitive brain saying, "hey, we need some space here. We've got to protect." And of course, in those situations, there is no connection created. And what is a relationship if we don't have connection? Right? So what we need to create is a really safe space for vulnerability with both ourselves and with the other people that we're engaging with. This safe space allows us to discuss what the fear is that is being protected by the wall. And then what the need is that is being protected by the fear. 

11:50 

So for ourselves with our own introspection, we have to be willing to set aside self protection and share the fear to be really honest with ourselves. Okay, I know that that sometimes the self honesty is a hard place to get into because we have not been honest with ourselves for so long. We have not been truthful with what we're really feeling. We don't even go there sometimes, we just ignore our feelings, we ignore what's happening. So with a spouse or somebody else in our life that we're working with, we have to be willing to acknowledge their fear, to help them release the protection. We have to create that safe space. Something has triggered the protective wall to come up. And it's so important that we learn to identify the trigger of the fear, because the trigger is the doorway into the hurt. So this is something that can be tough because protection elicits protection. It starts doubling down on itself. And if someone that I love starts protecting themselves, my primitive brain goes, "whoop, I need to protect myself." So when our spouse or whoever we're working with throws up protection, I begin to throw up a protective wall as well. It's our primitive brain going into a space of trying to keep us safe from emotional pain. So becoming really aware of these patterns of behavior is super important. And the only way that we can begin to create connection is to eventually get to the need. And the need that is underneath the fear and that fear is underneath the protective wall. 

13:38 

So let me give you a few examples of how this works. So with our own protective walls, when I notice myself putting up protective walls, which I have noticed this a lot in myself over the years. Let's say that we see one of our adult children engaging in behavior that goes against the values that we taught them when they were younger, right? We may find ourselves going into protective mode, which would be controlling behavior. Maybe we're trying to tell them how they should be doing it differently, or maybe we start criticizing or shaming them. Also walls, right? Or we may get angry or we may withdraw. These are all protective mechanisms for us, right? When we see these protecting behaviors showing up, it is super important for us to slow down, acknowledge that they are showing up, and then start getting curious about what's really going on. What is the fear or "the ouch" that the protection is trying to safeguard? 

14:36 

Here's just a couple of examples off the top of my head. So maybe it's that we feel we didn't do a good enough job of parenting and our insecurities in this area start to get rubbed raw right when we see them making bad choices. Well, "bad choices" is all subjective, right? When we see them making choices that are not ones that we would make, we may start feeling insecure in our parenting. Or maybe it's our fear for their safety or for their future security. So after we've identified the fear then we can look at the need that is below the fear So when we look at insecurities Maybe I feel a need for validation that I did a good job as a good parent. Maybe I'm just so insecure there, right? Or maybe I feel a need to trust my children to walk a path that's going to serve them. In both of these particular situations, both the validation and the trust are actually our own responsibility and can be created by me. The people, my children in this situation, do not need to change anything for me to feel validation or trust. I can create that all on my own. I can choose to trust them and I can choose to validate myself. But identifying these needs will be incredibly helpful In our ability to step out of the protective behavior, to stop putting up that wall. And when we realize that these needs, receiving validation for our efforts and trusting our adult children to make the best choices for them, when those needs come from within us and not from them, then we can become the process of managing our own thoughts in that direction and healing ourselves. and connecting with ourselves. 

16:30 

When we're controlling, criticizing, shaming, getting angry with them, I can promise you we don't feel good and we are not showing up as our best selves. And what this does is then break down the connection that we have with ourselves. We always feel better when we're the kind of person that we really want to be, and digging deeper to understand our own needs is a great way to understand how to become that better person that we want to be. Getting to this level of honesty with ourselves can sometimes feel daunting. But only when we understand our own needs can we heal our own hearts and move  into this better space. This is something that I do a lot as a coach. I help people get to this level of honesty because it can be tough. It can be really tough to do by yourself and I use a coach as well. I hire a coach to help me move into these spaces of honesty and to see things that I don't see on my own. 

17:31 

So let's put this in a situation with another person. So let's say that you and your spouse are having a discussion about finances and in frustration they finally say, "fine, do whatever you want." They turn around and they walk out of the room. Well, we can see that they have just gone into protective mode, right? The walls have just come up. They are disengaging both emotionally and physically with how they just responded. "Fine, whatever you want," is an emotional wall. Turning around and walking out of the room is a physical, that's how they're disengaging physically, right? So we recognize the first layer, which is the protection, just that they they put up their wall, they say, "do whatever you want," and they walk out of the room. 

18:18 

Now we want to get to the second layer: the fear that is being protected. So as we cherish and value this relationship, we don't want that wall to stay in place. So engaging with our spouse at that point will require that we create a very safe space for them because the protective wall will not come down if they don't feel safe and then we will never get to the fear and then we'll never get to the need. Creating a safe space may sound something like, "honey, I'm sorry. I recognize that I was not listening to what you were saying. Can I circle around and try it again? I really want to understand your point of view here." Or maybe it sounds and looks like pulling them into a hug and saying, "I can see that I was being controlling," or "I can see I was being critical or judgmental in how I was responding. And that's not the kind of person that I want to be with you. I'm sorry. Can we start again?" Whatever that sounds like to you, whatever that feels like to you, something that creates this safe space. This requires a lot of vulnerability and a lot of humility. But if we want to create a safe space for our partner, it is imperative that we move into this type of engagement. These types of acknowledgments of our own faults and weaknesses let our partner know that we are seeking to create a safe space for them. 

19:47 

Now depending on your history and how long these walls have been coming up and how long there has not been a safe space, you may not be successful with this the first time or the second or the seventh or the twentieth time as we continue to work on becoming aware of how we are showing up and consistently seeking to show up in a better way. We can show our partner that we are serious, that they really do matter to us and that we can be trusted to create this safe space that is vital for connection. So when we have created a safe enough space for them to re-engage, then we can start genuinely asking questions to help us and them recognize the fear, recognize "the ouch" beneath the protection. What is that protective wall protecting? Questions like "what specifically did I say that was so helpful? Please help me understand. What about my response showed you that I wasn't listening? What was I doing that caused you to feel like you needed to disengage?" Really moving into a space of curiosity and honest curiosity, not because we want to turn around and use that against them or use that to to push our own agenda, but we really want to understand so that we can create a safe emotional space, a space where they know that they can say that and be heard. We have to be willing to open up a space for honest discussion. 

21:17 

And sometimes this honest space will be painful, but it is it will also heal and allow for connection in the relationship. You may find your own protective walls coming up in defense. When you ask those questions and your spouse says, "well, this is what you did," right? We are automatic to say, "oh, protective walls come on up." OK, but we need to really seek to be open and move into curiosity instead. Once we begin to understand the fear, then we can move into seeking to understand the need underneath the fear. So if the fear is "you never listened to me," we may want to follow up with a question such as "how can I listen to you better?" Here we can see that the need is to be heard. They want to be heard. They want to be seen. They want to feel that they're important to us, to feel that they are being seen as an equal. And by asking how we can help to fulfill that need in the relationship, we are understanding how to create a safer space for them and creating greater connection as we truly listen and understand them. We can use this space of protection to understand ourselves and our partner in deeper, more intimate ways and create the connection that we really desire. 

22:38 

So here's the thing, the protection is how our primitive brain is trying to survive the present moment. This protection erroneously tells us that we're safe, but ultimately it's destroying our relationships. So it's really important that we are aware of when these protective walls come up for us and for other people in our lives. They are there for a purpose and that's because the primitive brain is saying that we're not safe. They are an indicator that there are some things that need to be changed in the relationship to create a safe space. If we can start by creating a safe space and then seek to discover the fear beneath the protection and then the need beneath the fear, then we can really start moving our relationships into the place where we want them to go. If we are brave enough to go there, we can get to the core. We can get to the need. 

The need is the solution to the protection. When we get to the need, then we can create connection, healing, and intimacy. And this is how we create the relationships we really want in our lives. Protective walls are just something that's always going to happen in our relationships. But not being scared of them, not being annoyed by them, but using them as an indicator that there is some healing that needs to happen here. There's some understanding that needs to happen. I need to understand the fear or the ouch. And then I need to understand the need beneath all of this. 

24:19 

It's a beautiful amazing kind of thing when we can start to move into this space of really creating those safe spaces so that those protective walls can be discussed and so that we can move to the more intimate levels of relationship beneath that. Good stuff, right? This is what growing up is all about. It's all about understanding this kind of stuff at a deeper level so that we can move into more of the kind of relationships that we really want. Okay, my friends, that is going to do it for me today. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day. Today is actually Valentine's Day, I believe when this comes out. So I hope that you have a great Valentine's Day. Loving yourself, if nothing else. And I just wish you all the best and I will talk to you next time. Bye.