00:00 

You're listening to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale, and this is episode number 19, "Storytelling." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hey, hey, hey! Welcome to Intentional Living today. I am so happy to be here with you. I've got something great that we're gonna talk about today because it is one of the first steps in learning how to coach ourselves and get ourselves in a great place. And we're gonna talk today about the art of storytelling. No, not the kind of storytelling that you're probably thinking. No Goldilocks and the Three Bears here. What we're gonna be talking about are the stories that we tell ourselves about the facts that happen in our lives, the circumstances. So we're gonna start making that transition between figuring out what is a circumstance and what are the thoughts that we then have. So the first two lines in the model. So we have circumstance, thought, and then we have feelings, actions, and results. We're gonna focus on those first two today and talk about how we often get caught up in storytelling rather than on fact-telling. 

01:25 

Alright, so one of the most important things we can learn how to do when we're at this beginning process of learning how to coach ourselves is to start learning the difference between a fact and a thought. Now as a middle school teacher this is something that I teach my reading students and it's generally not too difficult for them to identify it and most of us can at some level. We can recognize phrases like "in my opinion: or "I think," those are really super easy giveaways when I'm training my students on this. 

01:56 

But it can become a little bit more difficult when things are not phrased in such a easy way, but rather when it's stated like a fact. For example, somebody could say, "the diamond is a beautiful stone that women love." It sounds like a fact when it's phrased like that, but when we look at it more closely and we start asking questions like, "is that true?" And we may say, "yeah, that is true." Follow-up question, is it true for everyone? Well, okay, probably not. There's probably some women that don't love diamonds. Okay, then at that point we would say it's true for some, but not for others. And if it's only true for some, then it is not a fact, but rather it's an opinion. 

02:40 

So where this all starts getting really tricky is when we're listening to someone tell us their story and they've got all sorts of evidence that what they're telling us is true. And it does sound really convincing and we believe them and why wouldn't we? They're someone we know and we trust. right? And they're convincing because they believe it themselves. And these people are not lying to us. They really do believe it. And so we end up believing the whole story, much of which may not even be true. 

03:11 

And so that's another level of difficulty. And then even a more challenging level is when we get to our own stories. These can be the hardest of all to figure out because you know what? We've been listening to our brains for as long as we can remember. In fact, our brain thinks between 40 and 60,000 thoughts a day. Crazy, right? That's a lot of thoughts. But in all that thinking, a lot of what our brain tells us is not true or is not even something along the lines of what we would want to do. 

03:46 

So I'll give an example. Yesterday I was driving down the road and there were two women who were running out on the shoulder of the road toward me on my side. And my brain has this really crazy thought and says, "you know, if I just swerved over, I could like totally take those two women out." Okay, so this is not the kind of life that I live. But it's an example that my brain popped that in to my consciousness and I was like, "what?" Like that's not even a possibility for me. I would never go there in a million years and my brain should know that. And yet my brain still put that thought out there. Or times that I'm in the store and my brain says, "you know, if you just took that and put it in your pocket, nobody would even see it." And I just think, what? Because that's not me either. And you would think after 51 years, my brain would know that I'm not a shoplifter. I'm not somebody who's going to swerve off the road to hit people. And yet my brain still puts pieces of information out there. And my brain's not the only one. I know that yours does the same thing, that we have these crazy thoughts sometimes. And so for me, that's proof and evidence that, you know what, what my brain thinks all the time is not true. 

05:03 

But this is the deal: throughout all of our years of living we've developed these patterns of thinking and they start to feel very comfortable for us. Because they feel so comfortable, we don't even question them and we just believe these little thoughts that come to our consciousness. Some of these are actually true, some are false. Some are helpful and some are actually quite harmful. I think we see people who generally tend to look on the positive side and they hardly ever get offended by somebody. And yet we all know somebody on the opposite end of the spectrum who seems to get offended at everything that somebody says. And this is what we're talking about: similar circumstances. 

05:48 

But people look at them so differently. And the thing is, it's amazing the things that we will tell ourselves and that we believe without ever questioning whether or not they're true. As I look back at some of the tough years in my marriage, I can see that so much of what I believed to be true was not. It was my thoughts. I was taking a fact and I was thinking my own thoughts about it. So with all of this, how do we really start to figure out what's true and what's not? And that's a tough question. It's a tough place to start going. And we have to be in a place where we go, "okay, I want to start really knowing whether what I'm thinking is true or not." And sometimes we don't want to know because we're very comfortable with where we're at. But we're not going to get to our best place until we decide that I really want to start looking at my thoughts and seeing what I'm thinking that's helping me and what I'm thinking that's hurting me. 

06:53 

So here's where we go back to knowing how to separate the facts out from the opinions, right? So this is where we are. So the first place to start, we need to do what's called a thought download. And what this means is we're going to sit down and we're just going to start telling our story. If you're doing this by yourself, you're just going to write it all out. It doesn't matter if you're a good writer or a bad writer. It doesn't matter if you hand write it or you type it. Okay, doesn't matter if you write in paragraphs or sentence or bullet points, just start getting all your thoughts out about a certain subject, get them out of your head and onto paper. 

07:34 

Now if you're working with a coach, very often the coach will just have you start telling your story and the coach will help you start to identify what are the thoughts? What are the facts? And they'll be taking notes as you talk. But if you're doing this for yourself, you're just going to do this on paper. Once you've exhausted. all your thoughts, now you're going to go back through them and you're going to read through that and you're going to start identifying the facts. 

08:01 

Now facts, remember, can be proved in a court of law. Everybody would agree that it's a fact. Alright, so saying that it's really super sad that your dog died. That's not a fact. That's a thought. The fact is that your dog died. The part about it being super sad is a thought. The reason being is because some people may not believe that it's super sad that your dog died. Maybe your neighbors are kind of glad and relieved because your dog would bark all night long and it used to keep them awake. But both of you could agree that the dog died. That could be proved in a court of law. 

08:40 

And here is where we start realizing that it's our thoughts that create our feelings and we can start taking control of our emotional lives. So the first line of the model is the circumstance line and this is where we put the fact. In this case, a fact could be my dog died, a fact could be I'm scheduled for surgery next Thursday, a fact could be my husband said I'm lazy. Now right here, be super sure that those are the exact words he said and not what you assumed or what you thought he meant. So if we go back and look at those facts, my dog died, adding a thought to that would be "I'm really sad that my dog died." So instead of "I'm scheduled for surgery next Thursday," "I'm really anxious and nervous about my surgery next Thursday." Then it becomes a thought, you see how that works? 

09:41 

So these circumstances, these facts have no impact on us until we start to attach a thought to it like we just did. "I'm scheduled for surgery next Thursday." We attach a thought to it. "I'm really nervous about my surgery next Thursday." And then we start seeing the difference between the facts and the thoughts, the circumstance and the thoughts. 

10:10 

Now this takes some practice and it's hard. And this is why a lot of people will hire me as a coach, because it's easier for me to see from an outside perspective what the thoughts are and what the facts are. And it may feel like a fact to say that work is really frustrating right now, but that's actually our thought about work. What we wanna say is what is an actual fact about something going on? A fact could be "I have a report due on Friday," or "my boss gave me an extra assignment today." Those are straight facts, but to say "my boss is so grumpy," that's a thought. We need to go through our thought download and we need to identify the facts, just the circumstance of it. And then we can go back through and we can start identifying our thoughts around that very neutral circumstances. 

11:16 

So a few things that I want to talk about thoughts here. First of all, we create our entire lives with our minds. Sometimes we believe our stories so completely and wholly and we have a rough time separating the facts from our thoughts about the facts. Our storytelling is so good that we can't figure it out. And sometimes we believed these thoughts for so long that it doesn't even occur to us to question them. It doesn't even cross our mind that they may not be true. If they are thoughts that aren't causing any problems in our lives, then that's not really an issue, right? But many of us believe things from our past that are not true and those things cripple us every single day. And we live in a constant state of anxiety and fear and anger from thoughts that we have that we don't even realize we're having because they're so commonplace in our lives. They become such a part of who we are. 

12:19 

So here's a real life example. So the client may say, "my neighbor is the worst ever. She's so disrespectful and just feels like she's all that and can do whatever she wants. I came home the other day and she had taken down the fence between our properties. She had lumber all over my yard and she was standing on my property. She didn't even ask permission to fix the fence. She didn't tell me she was going to do it. She thinks because I'm a renter that she's better than me and she can do whatever she wants. I'm so tired of her treating me like a second class citizen." Alright. This is where having a coach can be super important because it's easy to see that this client is very emotionally involved and having a rough time dealing with the situation, right? They're upset, they're angry, all these feelings going on. 

13:06 

So at this point, the coach stops the client and asks her to restate just the facts. So remember, facts are provable. Every person would agree on the fact and it includes no judgment or opinion. So in the end, here are the facts. She has a neighbor. The neighbor is taken down the fence. There was lumber laying on her yard. The neighbor was standing on her property. The client did not know the neighbor was planning on fixing the fence. Everything else is storytelling and it may be an emotionally charged, painful story but it is storytelling nonetheless. 

13:47 

It's fascinating as a side note here to see that the client immediately started attacking her own self-worth with the stories she was telling herself. Telling herself like she's being treated like a second-class citizen, like she's not as good because she's a renter, those types of things. Kind of interesting but that's a whole other thought model for sure. 

14:11 

So we've identified the facts, so what are the client's thoughts? The client says her neighbor's horrible, her neighbor is disrespectful, her neighbor thinks she can do whatever she wants, the neighbor thinks she's better because she owns the property and the client rents the property and the neighbor treats her like a second-class citizen. Now look how emotionally charged all of those thoughts are. When we go back and look at just the facts, there's lumber on the yard, the neighbor had taken down the fence, the neighbor was standing on her property, the client didn't know the neighbor was going to fix the fence. Those don't have any emotion attached to them at all. They're just basic, plain, boring, neutral facts. But this client's thoughts are what created all the emotion, the negative emotion around it. 

15:06 

So are there other ways to think about the facts that would be less painful? So in looking at the facts and her thoughts this way, the client can begin to see that they are two very different things. So she can acknowledge that maybe her neighbor was fixing the fence because it was falling over. She can see that it was actually nice of the neighbor to not ask for time or money to help fix the fence. She can think that maybe the neighbor was trying to help her by not inconveniencing her. The thing is the client can choose to think any of these thoughts and either line of thinking could be the truth. Maybe the neighbor is disrespectful and thinks she's better. Or maybe the neighbor was trying to make her life easier by not inconveniencing her. 

15:50 

But at some level in our lives, don't we just have to decide that it really doesn't matter? The thing is, the circumstance happened. Those facts: the neighbor was standing on our property, the neighbor's taken down the fence, there's lumber on the yard, the client didn't know the neighbor was planning on fixing the fence. Alright, those circumstances happened. Nothing's going to change that. They've already happened. But my thoughts about it are going to change everything in the future starting with how I feel. So with a situation like this, the client can choose to think the thoughts such as "my neighbor's horrible and disrespectful and she thinks she's better than me." And it's just going to change my future. It's going to change how I feel about that neighbor, which is then going to start affecting how I treat my neighbor, my actions, right? 

16:55 

And it works the other way as well. If I start thinking that, "well, maybe my neighbor was just fixing the fence because it was falling over. Maybe it was really nice of her that she didn't have to bother me about it or that she didn't ask for timer money." It doesn't matter what's really true at the time. The circumstance happened, nothing's going to change that, but my thoughts about it will change everything in the future. So what I have to start deciding is which way is going to serve me better? Which line of thinking is going to create better neighbors? Which line of thinking is going to help me feel more peaceful and happy? If I don't want to be peaceful and happy, if I really love the drama associated with the negative thoughts, I can stay there. But if I don't enjoy that, I can choose to think the best of other people. 

18:01 

And I'll tell you what, I know for me, I am a much better and happier person when I choose to think the best of others. When I choose to look on the positive side and not get offended and not think that people are intentionally trying to hurt me or frustrate me or make me angry, I'm in a much better place myself. 

18:26 

So this is how our facts and our thoughts work together. The first thing is to start figuring out where am I telling a story. And divide up those facts and those thoughts. So our assignment this week is to start getting better and more clear at separating out the facts from our thoughts. I want you to just sit back and notice. I don't want you to judge. I don't want you to start saying, "Oh, I'm a horrible person." Because I thought that. Because you're not. I just want us to start noticing. Pay more attention when you find yourself starting. You notice that your mind starts racing and your emotions start running a little bit high. Take a step back, do some breathing and work to identify just the facts. Alright. Don't work on readjusting or training facts. 

19:22 

This week, I just want us to work on learning to be more aware of what are facts and what are thoughts. Is this hard? Of course it is. That's why we call it work. Right? Because it is hard. And it's going to be challenging, especially when you start trying to look at situations that feel so normal because you've been doing them your whole life. But the awareness of how we are manipulating the facts is the first step to being able to gain control over our thoughts, and through this are feelings and our actions as well. 

19:57 

So I would love to hear how you're doing with this and what you're struggling with and also your successes. So go ahead and you can write me a note on Facebook. You can leave notes here and reply to this podcast. But this is a thing. This is a process. And we are never going to outgrow the need to work through our thoughts like this. I don't care if we're doing this for 40, 50, 60 years. We will still have our brain thinking things that are not true. That do not hold true to the kind of person that we are. But as soon as we start learning how to identify the facts and believing the facts and questioning our stories, we're going to be well on our way to a healthier, happier emotional life. 

20:49 

So I hope this has been helpful to kind of clarify these first couple of steps in the self-coaching thought model. And if you would love some personal help from me to learn how to separate out your thoughts from the facts, or even just navigate some of these tough situations with a little bit more clarity, contact me at tanyhale.com and book a free 20 minute coaching session to help get you started. I would love, love, love to help you start gaining a greater awareness of how your thoughts are controlling and ruling your life. 

21:19 

Alright, that'll do it. If you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please do a few things for me. You can subscribe. You can leave a review. And you can share this with people that you feel would benefit from it. I hope you have a terrific day today. And I hope that you have, can find a little bit more awareness between your facts and your thoughts today. We'll talk to you later, bye. 

21:42 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.