00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 171, "Growth is a Skill." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Well, hey there and welcome to the podcast today. Happy to have you. This is Tanya. We're just going to jump right in today. We are talking about growth is a skill. So I'm talking about this professional development growth that we go through, all this stuff that I'm walking you through and I'm helping you to see and understand. It is a skill. So let's talk about this a little bit, because this is kind of a new perspective for me. I have always thought about growth as more of a byproduct. For example, we have tough challenges and we make it through, we figure it out, and it's a byproduct of our effort or energy expended. And although all of these I think are definitely a piece of our growth, I've recently taken a look at growth a little bit differently. Very often I will end this podcast by saying something about growing up and about how amazing it is to grow up into middle age, how we are growing up, right? We're growing up into a better version of ourselves. But as I've been working with a few clients lately, I'm discovering an aspect of growth that I haven't really considered before and that is the idea that growth is a skill. 

01:33 

So a skill by definition is "the ability to use one's knowledge effectively and readily in execution or performance." Okay, that sounds a little bit stiff and so I'm going to give you in my language which ends up being much longer. But I see a skill as something that is learned and that we get better at the more we practice, it until the task becomes like a primitive brain function, something that becomes easy and fun and that doesn't require a huge amount of focus and energy. Anything that we learn to do that we get better at over time. So let me share a few examples. Many of you know that I am a middle school remedial reading teacher. So I get all those sweet little kiddos who are reading below grade reading level and I try and drill into them the idea that reading is a skill. It is not something we are born with. It is not based on our intelligence. It is a skill. It is something that the more we practice it, the better we get. Learning to play any sport is a skill. For example, I learned to play tennis when I was back in high school. My dad started teaching me and when we started playing, I was not very good. In fact, he would stand beside me and drop a ball and I would swing. And he would drop a ball and I would swing. And we did that forever, forehand and then we did it forever, backhand, and then he would stand, you know, five or six feet in front of me, toss the ball, I would hit it, right hand forever, I mean, it took forever. And it was just such a process. 

03:10 

And at first you're thinking, alright, not super fun, because you're not good at it. And you would miss the ball, or you would hit it on the rim, or you would, you know, just not be able to get it over the net. It wasn't fun. Learning to play any instrument, not fun at first. I took piano when I was younger, and it wasn't fun. And I eventually quit. It wasn't fun because I couldn't play anything fun. I couldn't do anything fun. And it just felt like so much work to do the scales and to play these stupid little songs that were boring for me, right? This was obviously back in the day when they didn't have fun songs for us to play when we were learning. But it was so much work. But our ability to do something increases as we extend a concerted effort to practice. If we don't practice at things, we don't get better. 

04:02 

So I'm currently working with a client who is really new to this work, as in a couple of weeks new to this work. He finally got to the point in his life where he had done a lot of self-reflection. He knew that where he was was not where he wanted to be. He wanted to move into something different, but he didn't really know where to do it. He knew he wanted to approach life differently. He wanted to be engaged in his relationships differently, but he didn't have the tools. But then he found my podcast and he has been listening regularly. And then he got with me and we've been working together to help him implement the tools. So right now, the skill of growth in this area for him is really difficult. Everything takes so much intentional thinking. He has to decide how does he want to show up in his relationships? How can he take full responsibility for his thoughts, his feelings, and his behaviors. How can he manage his mind to not believe the stories that show up there and the stories that have been there forever? How can he override the patterned behaviors that come so easily that have been in place for years? How can he create something different than what he's previously created? And it has been a  process for sure working through this with him. It has been a very hard process because everything is new. He's learning to do all of these things from the very beginning. And any skill that we start learning at the beginning, we are not good. And sometimes he wants to quit. Sometimes it just feels too overwhelming and sometimes it seems too hard to figure out. But he's also very clear on where he wants to go so he just keeps sticking with it even when he's exhausted by the process of learning these new skills. Because learning a new skill is tough and growth skills are no different. 

05:57 

And at first learning a new skill is not very fun. We fail a lot. We have to engage with our own inability. We have to be willing to set aside our I got this mentality or for me, like my perfectionist persona, right? Like, that I do everything the right way, right? This craziness going on, right? We have to be willing to not be good at first. And that's one thing that is really difficult for many of us, is we are not used to having a growth mindset that says it's totally okay to not be good at this. But then after we start engaging and and starting to start trying to figure it out. After a while we see a small bit of progress. We see one day in a tough situation that we showed up the way that we wanted to. Okay, we may have had to do a lot of thought management before we started for the engagement, but we did it. 

06:51 

I did this with my with this client just this last week. He had a situation that he knew that he was going into that was going to be very tough and we worked together to help him manage his mind around how he wanted to show up around what he wanted to have happen when he went there and that he wanted to show up, not trying to manipulate other people's behaviors or expect them to show up anyway, but that he just wanted to be happy with how he showed up. And we did a lot of thought management before. And guess what? He did it. I was very proud of him. It was very exciting to see him moving into this space of showing up the way that he wanted to. Okay? And this is a place where he was able to manage his thoughts and didn't let his emotions go unchecked. 

07:36 

So as we learn to manage our minds and our emotions, we will find that we don't yell or we don't roll our eyes, or we don't say something passive aggressive or storm out of the room, or get hurt and offended. We find that we start to become very deliberate in how we start to show up and in how we want to show up. And we show up on purpose, the way that we want to ,and this gives us a taste of success, just like when I learned to play tennis. I could start hitting a strong shot more frequently. I started to get more and more of my serves in. And this taste of success was exciting for me and it helped me keep wanting to go back to the courts with my dad and to continue learning how to play tennis and to get better at the skill. But our taste of success at the beginning is usually pretty small and it can still get easily overwhelmed by the many failures we still get to experience as we go through this learning a skill process. But here's the deal: if we just keep plugging along, moving the direction we want, and not giving up, eventually the skills you are learning here will come more and more easily to you and one day you'll notice you implemented one of these skills easily and without a lot of thought and that It is when it really starts to feel amazing and exciting. Slowly, more and more, as you continually focus on creating what you want to in your personal growth, you will notice that you do it more easily without so much mental focus. You'll see that your thoughts about growth are starting to change. 

09:09 

I have a friend who is an amazing concert pianist, but guess what? She was not always an amazing concert pianist. She started out as a beginner. She started out struggling to hit the right notes and to keep her tempo where it needed to be and adding the inflections that make her music so beautiful. She worked with teachers who helped her see her flawed fingering and who pushed her to improve and increase her pace and her difficulty and helped her to see how to do things in a better and a more efficient way. It took thousands of hours of practice, but now playing the piano for her is not even in the realm of work. It's 100% in the realm of fun. She can sit down to any piece of music and sight read it and it sounds beautiful even the first time through. Playing the piano for her is easy and fun because she's invested the time and the effort and the energy to learn the skill. 

10:03 

Personal growth is the same. At first, it can be a lot of work because we are having to learn new ways to think. We can spend thousands of hours thinking about it and implementing it and practicing it. And eventually we get good enough at it that it becomes easy and fun. And the reason that this has been so insightful for me lately is because I noticed this in my own growth process. And I've been comparing where I am with my ideas of growth with that of my brand new client who's struggling so much to learn this. For him, every piece is difficult and for me, I'm in a place where it's fun and it's so much  easier. When I first started this work, I'll tell you what it was overwhelming sometimes. I would get an insight about how I was being manipulative or how I was being judge-y or how I was being passive aggressive and it could feel a bit overwhelming. And I sometimes was just like "oh my gosh, not another one. Not something else that I have to work on," and it just felt sometimes like I was going to drown a little bit. But mostly I'll tell you what I didn't shy away from figuring it out because I was so done being the person that I was when I was married, that I was not going to be that person anymore. And I did not want to take that person into another relationship at some point. And so I went to work, looking to see it in more places, in becoming aware of how my issues showed up, and when they showed up, and why they showed up. And, I'll tell you, what I worked with coaches, I worked with life coaches who helped me to see these things from different angles, coaches who helped me to show grace to myself and accept my humanity more and give myself room to grow and to make sure that I kept myself in a loving space rather than a beat myself up place. I worked with coaches who pushed my thinking and who made me uncomfortable, for sure, who helped me see things that sometimes I was a little bit like, "oh my gosh," right? 

12:08 

But I'll say that even now, even though I still have a long way to grow, growth no longer seems overwhelming to me. I no longer get hung up on my failures. I don't remember the last time that I was made aware of a flaw and it kind of took me out of the game for a bit because I was just floored by it, right? It's now...I expect these flaws and I look for the flaws because to me it's an exciting place to be to see something new about myself that I can work on. Because now, guess what? I'm a lot better at growth. My skill of growth has improved. It has become easier and fun for me because I'm so much better at the mindset. I'm so much better at the self-love. I'm so much better at the accepting my humanity. I'm so much better at learning to see and putting it all on the table and working on it. It's become easier and fun. Now it may be strange for you to hear me say that growth is fun, but it really is because guess what? It doesn't all have to come on the heels of a big, huge trial. Sometimes we grow just because we want to grow. We look for the things that we're struggling with and things that we need to do better and we can move on them without having a big trial move us into that. 

13:24 

So when I'm doing my own thought work, or when I'm chatting with a coach or with friends, and I see something in myself that I would like to adjust, it doesn't feel overwhelming to me anymore. I actually get a little bit excited because I know that this is an opportunity for me to improve my life and I am almost addicted to this improvement thing where I just love so much moving into the future, into a better space, becoming more the person I want to be. It's an opportunity to improve, to find greater satisfaction, to develop deeper relationships and more self-love. I now understand that when I am growing, that I am in my best place ever. And it's energizing for me to see my flaws and to work, to tackle them. Okay, when I see one more way that I'm being judge-y of those people around me, it actually kind of excites me because I know that on the other side of that judgment is a better version of me. I used to catch myself being judge-y and I would go, "oh my gosh," right? Like what kind of, what is that? Like why do I do that? Why do I go into that? I don't do that anymore. Now if I catch myself being judge-y, I'm like, "oh my gosh, fascinating." Like why, let me look at that. What's going on with that? What, how am I being judge-y? How is this different than other times that I've been judge-y? Right? I just start asking myself all the questions and it becomes kind of kind of a puzzle for me to figure out. 

14:53 

I know as well that seeing my flaw is not going to be too much for me because I'm handling them. I know how to work through them. I have the skill to see a flaw and to work through it. I know that I can see these huge feelings and I can failings and that I can still come out on top. Maybe not today or next week or next month, but I know I have the skill to work through it. So, compared to when I first started doing this work and it felt overwhelming and tough and insurmountable sometimes, now I find it fun and engaging and even easy sometimes. I'm no longer bogged down by the fundamentals because I'm so much better at managing my mind around these things. Now, do I still have a multitude of sins to address that I'm not currently aware of? Absolutely. Absolutely I do. I 100% believe that I always will. But even that thought does not feel overwhelming to me because I know I can do it. I know that they'll come one at a time. I know that God will give me grace in just showing me what I can manage one piece at a time ,and because of that it feels very manageable to me. My skill level has grown to meet the challenges of my awareness. 

16:10 

And this is how coaching can help you. I am the person who will help you gain the greater skill of growth. I can do this for sure. Can you do it on your own? Yeah, you can. But working with a coach accelerates and deepens your progress as I can help you see things you may not be aware of. I will help you understand what's going on and to identify your thought  patterns that are keeping you stuck. I will help you learn and practice the skills to move into a place where growth is no longer overwhelming and seemingly beyond your reach, where you have the skill level of growing, that you move into it more easily. Growth really does equate to happiness. It is the pathway to feeling fulfilled and increasing our self-love. I really, really do love growing up. And I would love to help you on this journey. 

17:03 

So if this is your time, if you're ready for coaching, if you're ready to accelerate and deepen your progress and move into developing the skill of growth, you can go to tanyahale.com, you can book a free 30 minute consult and we can discuss how coaching can help you develop the skill of growth, move into a better version of you and find more satisfaction, more fulfillment, and more happiness in life. This is the process. I love it so much. Okay, my friends, if these concepts ring true to you, share them with people, please. And let's help people develop this skill of growth. That will make such a huge difference in how they live their everyday lives. And I will talk to you next week. See you later. 

17:57 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.