00:00 

You're listening to Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 16, "Inner Circle." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Hey, hey, well happy day to you. Thank you so much for joining me. I really, really appreciate you being here today. I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately and about some of my great friends and just how spread out we sometimes seem to get. And I was thinking about our inner circle friends. And that's what I want to talk today with you, about these people who are closest to us. 

00:48 

So when we talk about an inner circle, we imagine ourselves in a layered circle and we're right in the middle and the people that are closest to us are our inner circle. And then we have people who are farther out and farther out, but these are the people who know our deepest thoughts, our fears, and our dreams. We may have a lot of friends, but these are the real friends that we rely on and who rely on us to help us get our feet settled on the ground and help us keep our heads on straight. These are the friends who are within arm's length when something comes up. The friends we can call on anytime, even midnight if we need to, and we don't require any form of permission to call them. We wouldn't even have to send a text first if we didn't want to. These are the friends that we reach out to first when we have a new idea that we need to work through or a challenge to overcome. And these are the friends we call when we're stuck, we're hurt, we're happy, and we're going to burst if we don't talk to somebody about it and get it out. These are the friends who we would almost always listen to and take advice and suggestions from. 

01:54 

So it's pretty important that these inner circle friends, those people who know us intimately, are providing not just a listening ear but also opportunities for growth and for forward movement in our lives. You know there's there's a quote that goes around that says we're the combined average of the five people we hang out with the most. And if that's true we need to be really careful with the people that we hang out with the most. 

02:21 

There's another saying that says show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are. And so as we look at the people that are closest to us in our lives it's important for us to see that that this is what I am. This is who I hang out with. This is where it all comes together for me. I had a Facebook that I posted on meme a few weeks ago that said that we're allowed to outgrow people. And I think that this idea makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. But I think that with other people it resonates so much. And I think we're all just in different places and we're looking at things differently. But I want to talk about this idea of being more intentional with the people that we create and that we put into our inner circle and look at the fact that we can outgrow people in our lives. And that doesn't mean anything about anybody. It just means that we're outgrowing them in certain areas. 

03:15 

So as we've talked about before, I teach middle school and middle school is a great place to look at this happening. It's a huge time for friend adjustment. And the reason being is because when kids are in elementary school, they just, they don't know themselves very well. They'll play with anybody. They'll do anything. They'll hang out with whoever. They haven't really tapped into what they love and what they don't love yet, the majority of them. And so they just kind of hang out with whoever. And they haven't yet started to make those decisions about what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of values do I want? What kind of life do I want to live? And then they get into middle school. 

03:52 

And this is why I love this age so much and why I love teaching them. Because this is where they start figuring out all those things. They start finding that I really like sports or I don't like sports at all. And I really love music or I don't love music at all. And for the first time, they start investing more time in these activities. And sometimes they just grow apart as friends. Also, it's a great time for kids this age that they start figuring out what kind of person do I want to be? Do I want to be a bully kind of kid? Or do I want to be a super nice kid? Do I want to be a more religious kid? Do I not want to be? And these kids start doing this. They grow and they change so much during those years. And they find that they just outgrow friendships. And all of a sudden, they don't have much in common anymore with that friend. 

04:44 

And I think sometimes we look at this middle-aged grade age and we go, "well, yeah, that makes sense," right? That's totally going to happen. But we don't see this happening and feel that it's as okay with adults. And yet as adults we are still growing and changing. We still go through this process and we still outgrow friendships. And it doesn't mean that either person is right or wrong or good or bad, or it just means that we become different people. We grow into a different place in our lives. And so I think it's important for us every once in a while to kind of stop and take a look at our inner circle and look at the people that we're hanging out with and see do these people reflect who I am and what I want to be. And are they really helping me to become my best selves because again if I become the combined average of these top five or six people is that who I want to be? I love that. 

05:45 

I listened to a biography of Abraham Lincoln several years and I love that it talked about when he was elected the president. His cabinet was made up of different people from many different political views. In fact, some had even been his rivals in campaigns, and yet he intentionally sought after and staffed his cabinet with these people. And why would he do that? He did that because he valued the different opinions and the different intellects who could bring a variety to the table, who could challenge the status quo and even challenge his perspective and give him a different one. And I loved the fact that rather than being intimidated by the differences of all these different people, Lincoln actually became one of the greatest leaders of the United States because of his willingness to seek for these different perspectives within his inner circle, the people he brought in close to him. He was willing to diversify in order to make sure that the best things were going on. 

06:48 

And I think that that's something that we can do with our inner circle as well, because if we look at our inner circle of people, if we're all the same, there's not a lot of growing going on. It is so good with friendships to reach out to other people who are different than us. So we're going to take a look at five different kinds of people that we want to have in our inner circle because they help to better position us for growth and success. 

07:18 

So first kind of person that we want is someone to inspire us. We're going to call this person a dreamer. And these wonderful people in our lives help us to see the possibilities of what we can think and do and become. The dreamers help us to think outside of ourselves and imagine a greater future. And because of that, we feel a desire for growth when we're around them. We desire to get off the sofa and become something bigger than we've already been. The dreamers inspire us to discover and then to begin growing into our potential. And these are the friends who make a greater life seem possible. I'm going to look at your inner circle of friends. Maybe friends who are just outside your inner circle, who fits in that category of a dreamer? Somebody who helps you see the possibilities of a bigger and a greater life. 

08:07 

The second kind of person that we want to make sure that we keep around us are people who will help to transform us, or drivers in our lives. These are the friends who help us take that bigger dream that we have and they start to help us figure out how to actually make it happen. They make us feel as though the dream can become a reality. Sometimes they might seem awfully practical and possibly not as empathetic as we sometimes need. But we can always rely on the driver to help us see how to get things done while we enjoy the thrill of the ride. The drivers are like the driving force, right? They really help us, help to give us that first initial push that I can do this, I can make this happen. So again, stop for a second and just think, who are the drivers in my life? Who are the people who really help me feel like, okay, I can do something new? I can push forward and do something different here? 

09:04 

Look, the third kind of person that we want is someone who makes us a better person. We want a motivator in our lives. So once we get that initial push, these are the people who keep pushing us to help us meet our goal. These are the friends that we call when we need an accountability partner for a goal that we have, something that we're doing. These are the friends  we call when we're discouraged with our progress and we need some energy and enthusiasm to keep moving forward. These people are motivators. They help us tap into the energy behind the dream and they help to give us the feeling that we can accomplish whatever we set out to do. These are great people to have around us because they're people who keep us moving when things get tough. 

09:50 

The fourth kind of person that we're going to want in our inner circle is somebody who really listens to us, someone who is a true supporter. This is the friend with whom we can truly let our guard down and be ourselves with no questions asked. This is the friend who is always available with an empathetic response. They get where we are and why we may feel inadequate at times. Our supporter clearly understands that we're not always going to be playing our best game. We have really difficult days. They get that and they don't judge us for having those rough days. We get a warm hug of acceptance because they take what and where we are and they meet us there. Supporters, I think a lot of us oftentimes have lots of supporters and I think that that's a great, great person to have around us. 

10:43 

And lastly, number five, we need to have somebody around us who will challenge us. We're going to call them a questioner. This is the friend who won't let us rest with our first easy answer. They're gonna challenge us. They're gonna challenge our easy thinking and our easy living. They're gonna push us to see things in a different way to understand things from a different perspective. These are the people that sometimes we're gonna feel that they're a little bit blunt. But we know that they put it out there because they love us and they really, truly want the best for us. We may not always like what they have to say and it may sting at first. But when we step out of the sting, we see that they're providing us with a viewpoint that is necessary for our growth. This questioner may love us the most of all because they're not afraid of pushing us out of our comfort zones and into courage zones where we can truly grow intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. 

11:45 

So some of these five examples of the kinds of people that we want in our inner circle. We have a dreamer, a driver, a motivator, a supporter, and a questioner. Now some person may fit more than one of these categories. But we want to start looking at a well-rounded inner circle. What are these what are we offering each other in our friendships? Are we creating friendships that help us to move forward? So let's just look really quick at some other things that we want to take a look at when we're when we're checking out our inner circle and when we're we're trying to balance it out. 

12:22 

Our inner circle friends are the people that we are the most vulnerable with. So we have to ask are they really helping us to become our best selves? Our inner circle friends have both water and fuel at their disposal. They have water because they help us to put out fires when they erupt. They know how to help us stop the drama before it explodes out of control. And because we're natural people, we have a tendency to allow things sometimes to turn into a bit of a drama and get it out of control and these people know when to throw the water on the fire. They can be empathetic But they also don't let us get too riled up about things that are simply drama and not worth the energy and the time. So they know when to douse things when to put them out. 

13:12 

But besides water to put out the fires our, inner circle friends also have fuel at hand and they know when to use it and this fuel is used to help ignite and fuel our passions and desires. They help push us for push us and fire us up when we need a drive forward to accomplish great things and tap into our potential. They know when to add fuel to the fire. They know when we need that extra push. A great inner circle friend has both water and fuel and they know when to use each one and they're not afraid to use it. They can help us keep an appropriate balance between pushing and resting between fighting and healing, knowing when we need to lick our wounds and knowing when it's time to stop wallowing and get back at it. 

14:02 

Our inner friends, as well, need to have respect for our values. Some of our values may be very different, but our inner circle friends will support our personal values and not seek to turn us from them. They're going to respect the fact that we value certain things even if they don't respect them. Our inner circle friends will be loyal. They're going to watch our back, right? And in so doing, they will be on our side and they're always going to want us to succeed. And they're going to rejoice in our abilities and our successes rather than feeling intimidated by them. If we have friends who are intimidated by our successes or our growth, we probably need to to move them a little bit farther out of our inner circle. Because you know what? There's a lot of stuff for a good friend to do. 

14:55 

But here's the deal. When we find a friend whom we can trust with the deep, dark, vulnerable stuff, a friend who will keep confidences and rejoice in our successes, a friend who is not afraid to have a tough conversation and help to see what we're not seeing, a friend who's willing to push us to grow into the best version of ourself, then that is an inner circle friend. If we truly do become the combined average of the five people we hang out with the most, we need to look at our inner circle and determine if those people are helping us to grow into our best selves. And if they're not, we may need to do some distancing. And this is where setting boundaries comes in, right? And this is where sometimes life feels tricky. Because sometimes we have to do what's best for us. And that doesn't mean that we cut friends off forever, but it can mean that we intentionally spend less time with them and intentionally seek for people who help us to become our best selves ever. 

16:09 

Alright, so intentionally choosing our friends, doesn't that seem mean? Well, I guess it depends on our definition of friendship and our goals for friendship. Why do we have friends? What is the purpose of having friends? If we're just looking for someone to sit on the sofa with and watch Netflix, most of this doesn't matter, does it? Have a friend, some of us just need a friend to just sit on the sofa and watch Netflix. But they don't fit in the definition of inner circle friends. And that's great. We can hang out with people who are not our inner circle friends as well. We just need to limit how much time we spend with them. 

16:47 

But if we're really looking for people to help us tap into our potential and grow and develop into our best selves, we have got to be a little more selective than the fact that we both love watching The Bachelor. We've got to reach outside our comfort zone. We've got to find friends who will help us grow and move into our place of potential. Because it's only when we tap into that that we're going to find greater happiness, guaranteed. 

17:16 

So don't be afraid to do some shifting with your friends. If you find that there are friends who motivate you, who push you, who support you, those are the people that we want to pull in. And it's important that we also make sure that we are providing a great balance for that. We can't just expect that from someone and not be willing to give that same type of inner circle friendship in return. But I guarantee you, as we look at the people who are in our inner circle, as we pull in people who really help us to become our best selves, we will find the best life that we can live. 

18:01 

I love growing up, don't you? I love learning things and getting into a place where I feel like I have permission to make the best decisions for me, and you have permission to create an inner circle that will help you create your best life ever. So here we go. If you feel it's time to examine your inner circle a little bit more, you can contact me at tanyahale.com and you can book a free 20 minute coaching session to help you get started. Because I would love, love to help you get to a place of greater growth and happiness. 

18:36 

So if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, here's a few things you can do. One, you can subscribe so you never miss an episode. Two, you can leave a review. And three, you can share this with people in your lives who you feel would benefit from the things that we're talking about here. I love life, I love sharing this with you, and I thank you again for being with me today. Hope you have a wonderful one, and I'll talk to you later. 

19:00 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.